Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

My Lost Weekend?

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Hubster is away from our homestead this weekend. He attends a gaming convention (not hunting and fishing ) every February. Long before I came into his life he has been making this annual trek to “hangout” with fellow nerds to have a grand time coming together to play games of various inclinations and skill levels. Nerds from all walks of life and different parts of the country come every year to sit in a conventional hall and play games all weekend long.

I am not a gamer, never will be. Time is a precious thing. I squandered too much of it in my youth. I have had my fill of lost weekends. I have been dreading this weekend since January. I look forward to being on my own and yet I am nervous about the prospect of it, separation anxiety I think or maybe the truth is I have not been on my own in a very long time. I have gone on these convention weekends since my hubster and I were dating. I would people watch, go shopping, catch up on books or research papers while I was on break from school or just did more shopping. I always went with my hub until last year. These conventions have always been held a significant distance from our house so for me it was a mini adventure and travel. In the past we have been to Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont. Places far enough away that a decent adventure can be had and sleeping accommodations must be made. Not anymore, now the convention is a mere 25 minutes from my house so why rent a hotel room?

I used some vacation time so I could have a long weekend being FREE but… hubby asked me to come for lunch on Friday (today) and supper on Saturday. Good bye to unplanned trip to Maine. Goodbye to getting anything fun in. Good bye to being FREE. I am pretty sure that I don’t have to tell you, we had an argument. This convention is his thing not mine. His once a year adventure not mine, his nerdy friends not mine. I know he will miss me but I think that is a good thing. I suggested that I could come to stay overnight on Saturday. This year he is splitting a room with my besties husband. He doesn’t want me to stay overnight. Oh no! bad idea. Apparently I SNORE! I can not unknow (yes, I know unknow is not a real word but I like it so there’s that!) this now; it makes me sad. How have I lived this long without knowing that sometimes I SNORE!

Just awesome! Let me say for the record my hubby snores as well but apparently mine is of epic proportions; UNBEKNOWNST to me! I feel so insulted, ugly and unwanted except for lunch and supper. I have no interest in visiting him for any reason. I wish to be childish and surly and waste my weekend doing nothing but being angry over this…OR…

I can just move on. I haven’t decided yet.

I Want One More Look At You

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I never thought the other shoe was going to drop but it did. One minute we were laughing, talking about the small things in and around our lives and the next the phone rang…it was nearly midnight and you were gone like a whisper on the wind.

Are you watching me now? Once upon a time there was a family of five: a husband, a wife and three little girls. There was no picket fence, or tidy, neat lives arranged in a row; but, they were my family and though I didn’t know it then I feel it now, I loved them. All of them. Our number is now TWO. Sisters we are, strangers we have become. Once we were whole. My parents held us all together with faith, love, and hard work.

There is no worse feeling than the uncertainty that final goodbyes bring. Will I ever see you again? Will I be Okay without you? Will I ever feel happiness again? Will there ever be a time when I feel like a part of something larger than myself? I used to think I was a misfit but I FIT with my family. A puzzle of sorts where my odd bits jutted out where theirs spooned in. Damn it! I want one more look at you. Sometimes it is so difficult to be in the world where I feel like I am on my own. Is it selfish to want to swim in waters of their love? One more hug, one more smile, one last chance to just sit and enjoy each other for awhile. If it is selfish I don’t care.

I really tried this year not to be sad on Breny’s birthday but I failed. Are you surprised? Don’t be, once a soul is broken it never regains its full glory. I drove to Dunkin’ Donuts and bought myself a pity donut, a French cruller, and a hot cup of coffee. I found myself sitting in the donut shop parking lot talking to her ghost? or maybe it was just that part of my soul that clings to her memory. After my sister died I made a bucket list of things I wanted to do so I could never forget her but who I am kidding? I think about her everyday! I will never forget. Her photos litter my office. I have all the cards she ever sent me, all the letters written in her left handed chicken scratches, every little thing I can hold.

It is harder for me now to remember what she sounded like. Her laugh, her joy, her angry voice, her concerned looks… not many people can say that their sibling is their best friend. She was my everything. https://youtu.be/Pm7vULhD0o0

Are you Watching Me Now?

Love the people in your life. Everyday is a gift don’t forget to open it!

Have You Ever?

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Caught a glimpse of what you are to someone who loves you? Understood how they value you? view you? regard you? Have you ever felt the emotion that is tied to their version of that unknown element, that je ne sais quoi, the beauty or wonderment that makes you the object of their love. Trust me when I say it usually has nothing to do with the superficial value of outer beauty and everything to do with the important things:  kindness, patience, wisdom, trust, understanding. Intangibles that turn love into the thing people will spend all they have just to catch a glimmer of.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

I am no stranger to depression. I have experienced it, survived it, lived with a parent who was deeply affected (paralyzed) by it. I struggle everyday with finding a reason to continue one more minute of one more day in a string of days that seem to never change but I manage because I refuse to give in. I want more. I will never stop searching for happiness, peace, well being. Love compels me to keep searching.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

He does not see the ugly things about myself that I do not like. He only sees me. He tells me I am beautiful. I am the one he trusts with his love. I am HIS one. Have you ever been that loved? Some times I am so busy being upset with myself that I don’t want to believe he stills loves me, needs me, desires me. I hate me! Why doesn’t he give up? How can he still love me! I lash out by throwing angry words against his soul hoping to break his bond to me but the holds are strong. He talks to me, he sees me, he understands I am fragile, he listens to what I am really saying. Sometimes things do not come out as words but as bad choices or hateful behavior. He cradles me to his chest, wipes away my tears and keeps right on loving me in his quiet gentle way.

I am finally gaining an understanding of who I am to him. I see the sparkle of joy as we see each other from across a crowded room.  US

Have you ever been so loved and unaware of what you mean to that someone at the same time? I was.

All these years and he is still my reason to face the day.

Never forget who  you are…https://youtu.be/TqsAElcHcZs

To Thine Own Self Be True

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I often wonder if I had listened to my true self when I was still young and impressionable would I be happier with my life now? I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of running away from myself. Sometimes I say inappropriate things, especially if I feel uncomfortable in a situation. I love the people in my life with my whole being. I expect too much from people. I am headstrong! I want what I want when I want it even when I know it is a bad choice. It drives my hubby craZY!!! I DON’T like to hug but I partake in its joy when I genuinely feel an affinity for the person in search of said contact. I will always sing. I don’t care if it makes you feel uncomfortable because we are in a grocery store. It makes me happy. It causes people to stop and drink in what is happening around them in the now! A smile returned is the greatest feeling.

I will always say something if I think I can stop an abuse:  child, sexual, verbal. No one spoke up for my mother when she was a little girl and she suffered horribly at the hands of others. I will not be SILENT! If I can change one persons path in a better direction than I feel that I have accomplished a life well lived. I am fiercely loyal but I can also be an asshole of the grandest kind to someone who hurts me. https://youtu.be/C6kLbDHu0yc

I am everything…I have ever needed to be!

I would like to say thank you to all of the incredible people that have been or continue to be in the audience of my life. I would be nothing without you.

 

Friday Night Freedom

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I chose quiet over crowds. I chose silence over screaming. I chose to be comfortable in front of my laptop screen unwinding from my work day instead of going to a hockey game tonight with my hubby. I just need a break from all the noise. This is about me making some much needed quiet time for myself. I don’t often talk about what it is that I do for a living to pay my bills, I don’t want to bore the snot out of you. Let’s suffice to say that yes, I am gainfully employed and be done with that messy business. I think I can say with all honesty that we all have the same frustrations in common. I gave up a boring job in a boring department to move onto the bright lights of a job no one had before me. Nothing like jumping out of an airplane without a chute. I always wanted to learn to fly.

I have worked for the same company for just shy of thirty-four years! We are like an old married couple afraid to move on to greener pastures, finding comfort in each others existence but most days the sight of you turns my stomach. Wow! when did this happen you might be wondering? I think somewhere in the late 1990s if I were to wager a guess. But there is something to be said about the sameness of something. There is comfort in routine. I like to think that I am good at what I do. But…sometimes I just want to be an extra in a Hollywood production of “This COULD Be Your Life But It Isn’t” Change my routine, have some fun, think outside the box. When I first started my JOB I was barely nineteen. I often joke with new hires and visitors that when I started my job I was young and beautiful; now, I am just beautiful. The crowd laughs but it always makes me a little sad.

I now belong to that crowd of “not young anymore”. I have been downgraded to the  “matronly” category. Thank the Fountain of Youth gods I haven’t hit the “older than dirt, die or retire” set just yet. Not “old” old just older. I am not having an easy go at it. I feel out of step now. My life is ok, I feel vibrant and alive. It’s just I feel like all the people I work with are so much YOUNGER than I am. Once upon a time I was on their side of the tracks now I live on the dark side. Growing up I loved that Disney movie Freaky Friday but this is ridiculous. Some mornings I do feel like the crypt keeper. People around me ask for my sage advice; while I am honored it kinda bums me out. It bothers me more than I like to admit, must be my “age” hang up. I know I need to find my zone. I need to reacquaint myself with my inner child, find my internal fountain of youth. Maybe I am just suffering with that ‘lack of energy and enthusiasm (lethargy) which can be a sign of winter depression. Known medically as seasonal affective disorder (SAD)’. They actually have a depression syndrome called SAD!  How poetic. Nice that science finally admits that winter makes people sad! About damn time sciency people! About damn time.

I love Maxine. She is my spirit animal. I am already feeling better. I have enjoyed being alone with my thoughts. Time for me to get back into the mainstream of my life.

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To Be

Job stress
odd but true
Friday thoughts

 

Janus Man

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JanusMeans “archway” in Latin. Janus was the Roman god of gateways and beginnings, often depicted as having two faces looking in opposite directions. The month of January is named for him. January is the month of reflection. We all look back on the year that is leaving and we worry about what is rounding the corner of what will become the new year. I stopped making New Year resolutions before I was out of my teen age years or did I? That is a question I have been chewing on since mid- December. I think my life long resolution remains; be the best version of yourself everyday!

In my heart of hearts I know I am a good person. In the words of Popeye,” I yam what I yam.” Popeye poster I refuse to waste anymore time on the year that has just ended. My life is not a script. There are no re-writes to be handed in, no rehearsals for opening night. This is it kid, your life in glorious Technicolor. I don’t always like the path I am traveling on. I whine. I complain. I cry. I carry around resentment like a toy poodle in a hand bag. I get so sick of myself I want to be anyone but ME. No matter where I try to run I am right there with ME baffled by own stupidity. I have had enough. I will not continue to punish myself for my shortcomings anymore.

I have finally accepted that I actually prefer to eat clean rather than to bog myself down with JUNK. It is okay to be kind to yourself. You are the only copy of the book called This Is Your Life. Below please find the love letter I have in my heart.

Dear Trish,

You have an amazing capacity for love, share it. You are friendly and welcoming to everyone around you; learn to be kinder to yourself. You give everyone else the chance at making things better. Extend the same patience to yourself. A smile and a heart felt compliment does more for a person’s soul than any amount of chocolate. Celebrate all the wonderful things that make up your life. You have great friends. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. Stop under estimating your ability to be the best example of yourself. Embrace who you are, look at where you have come from, make plans to get through the obstacles on your path and play on. You just have to BELIEVE in the power of you. Kudos to you for getting out of bed today = ).

Love….ME

I showed up today. I went out this morning in the gusty winds and drove myself straight to my favorite Saturday morning WWs meeting. I swallowed my pride and stepped onto the crusher of dreams, (key music), the Scale.  Guess what? The world has not ended or stopped turning. I was angry for a few minutes but I have to accept what I have done to myself once again in the guise of “taking a break”, “relaxing” or any of a hundred other excuses I could use. The time has come for me to pull up my Big Girl panties, dust myself off and return to my spot in the grand parade.

I did not enjoy my time away from program as much as I convinced myself I would. I really hate the way craptastic food makes me feel and look. When I stick to my version of the WW program, the things that work the best for me ; ), I am a much happier person. I am more positive in my approach to the world and its human beans. I like myself more. Eating in a healthy way helps me to live a better life for myself and the people in my life.
My road is long and arduous, the scenery (me) beautiful. I am making my journey worth every step I make.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be…EVER

Or Is It JUST Me?…

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I often wonder to myself, WTF! Am I the only one who gets the dropsies right before FLO hits town? Or is it JUST me? I often wonder to myself, am I the only one who goes all cleaning commando right before FLO blows into town? I want to wash every dish, do every bit of the laundry, scour all the pots, organize the dresser drawers and scrub the bathroom so it glistens! Or is it JUST me? I often wonder, hmmm?

Why does FLO have to be such an unpleasant house guest? She lurks in the shadows toying with your emotions. I cried watching the movie BFG. I cried reading someone’s post on Fb that I have never met and therefore have no way of knowing if said tragedy of missing cat is real or meant to make me look like an ass. Never mind the tricks FLO plays on short term memory. I lost my gloves in my coat yesterday. I couldn’t find a receipt I carefully misplaced in the pile marked, log into checkbook! ????

Okay, so here in the lovely state of Massachusetts we have been experiencing a reverse heat wave. Wisconsin type temperatures in the NEGATIVE digits for more than one night. Usually my emotions would be all over the place, there would be whining, crying, and complaining but not this week. If there is one great thing about FLO it is in the way she knows how to throw her heat around. I got by without having to wear too many layers for survival. Sadly with FLO’s dramatic entrance my personal furnace has burnt out. Thank GAWD it was 9 degrees outside today or I may have collapsed from the sheer weight of the outerwear I would have been forced to wear.

Now that Flo has settled in for the week I just want to know is it just me? Or does she cause you pain too? My head hurts, my skin hurts, my boobs, even though beautiful, are unyielding in size, get in my way and make me want to cry every time I try on a t-shirt;  because when FLO comes to town I swear my clothes shrink at least three quarters of a size. Also what is it with the munchies? I want chocolate covered salty anything served with foaming cups of hot cocoa with tiny salted caramel marshmallows enticing me as they spin around my cup. The darker the chocolate the better. I thought menopause was supposed to fix this mess and slowly give me other crap to worry about. I guess my body isn’t there yet. OH Joy!

I am happy to report the dishes are indeed done, as is the laundry, and the reorganizing of my dresser is complete. My memory is returning to its strong self and the crying has been taken over by fits of anger and frustration!  I am pleased to report everything here is SNAFU. FLO is moving ahead full steam and in a couple of days all will be back to standard operating procedure. This blog post had been brought to you by: Kleenex, Advil, and the need to lash out in anger over imaginary injustice.

 

 

 

My Year In The Rearview

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As this year comes to a close, I have been stuck in my head thinking. I have been without my dear Pops for fifteen months now. The void he left difficult to fill. I feel ???… Everything has changed. I shop closer to home. I waste huge amounts of time in the guise of being tired after work. In reality I don’t have a clear idea on what I want to do with all this free time I now find myself with. My Pops always had a way of making me laugh or smile. I miss that. I still feel disconnected. How did I end up here? I feel like I have no sense of purpose. I have fallen out of love with the routines of my life. I am in a RUT, RuT, rUT, rUt…ERGH!!!

Lately, I feel like I am stuck in a sitcom from the 50s. The sameness of life, the lack of real JOY, no color, or maybe its more Pleasantville in style just before their awakening. I miss the innocence of youth. Trusting in the grown ups around my life that everything would indeed turn out okay. At some point in my coming of age I started to notice life wasn’t simple. Black and white really was a narrow way of thinking and living. Like the characters in Pleasantville I began to “live” in my surroundings, discover new and scary things about myself. I have come to understand, life is a series of successes and failings. What you do with those experiences is what makes life worth being a part of. I am not the same girl I was a short twenty years ago. I like to think I am a better person now.

I used to have a chip on my shoulder the size of a baseball mitt. I have always balked at authority. I hate to be told what to do. I have an vein of anger that runs just below my surface. It has caused me irreparable harm whenever I have wielded it in an attempt to get my way, or prove a point, or just to be an ass. I stomped about wanting to be left alone…life finally gave me what I always wanted and you know what? I was wrong! I know now that what I really craved was acceptance. I wanted to feel like I belonged to something, anything. I was seeking guidance.  My parents were too involved in their own messy lives; my sisters and I were left to figure shit out on our own. I hold my parents no ill will. They did the best they could to keep our family intact. My mother suffered with mental illness her whole life. Everyday was an adventure with her! Would today be a clothing optional day? Would we be play acting with the neighbors for pocket change so she could buy cigarettes? Would I find her at our local church crying to God in the hopes he would rescue her from being a housewife? Oh, the memories!

My Pops loved that crazy woman. His faith in her never wavered. I wonder how alone he must have felt? My Pops was old skool, never cry, never let them see you sweat. If he had resentment towards my mother I never knew it as a child. He only ever mentioned how bad things were sometimes after she had passed away, before his dementia turned her into a saint. He never gave up on her or any of his children. In my Pops eyes I could be anything I worked for, have anything I reached for, become something spectacular as humans go. I will find a way to keep working on a better version of myself because he never gave up gazing at his stars.

This past year there was very little sparkle. I am finally beginning to feel my age, with its wonderful assortment of aches, pains, and wrinkles. I will always have to be a WW. It holds me accountable for my bad food moods. I will not be taking anymore selfies. Every time I do I see this old woman looking back at me. She just does not match the beauty that lives in my soul. I will continue to sing even if no one hears me. It helps me to feel I have a reason to be. Every time I make a little kid smile or touch the heart of a person passing by, it makes me feel like I have a purpose. I do not like menopause… a roller coaster ride of screw you, my emotions taking me on a ride I am pretty sure I didn’t buy a ticket for. I am one of the lucky ones? no hot flashes, yet! I got heart palpitations instead! Oh JOY!

Hockey started up again this year as did my resentment for the amount of time it steals from me. In all honesty, because sometimes it is good for me to put my bullshit meter on pause, I have made some amazing friends at this frozen sport. I am trying to find something creative to do whilst hubby is preoccupied with his sport of choice. And by being creative I mean, stay away from the Booster Club table so I won’t eat my weight in anger. This should be an interesting ride!

I found my courage this year to adventure without my bestie by my side. No lies to be told. I missed her, terribly, but her children are at those ages where everything is drive them here, do this , do that, and adventuring just had no room in her busy life. I managed. I can now say that I have a small circle of women I enjoy going on adventures with = ) All because I took a chance and asked them if they would like to “hang out” with me.

Life is in the living. Good-bye 2017. Hello, to the mistakes I will make this year, to the adventures I will undertake, to whatever 2018 has in store for me. If I could take anything from the past year into the new year with me it would be Hope. She knows how to keep things light and filled with anticipation. I wish you  all the best things for 2018. Love the people in your life. Step out of your comfort zone. Embrace change.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Wise on Whys

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I am honest. I am real. I try to be true to myself. Sometimes I pitch a fit and I am not kind to myself. I have never been able to figure out why I can’t be my own best friend but I  can’t. I have been trying for so long to accept myself, to like the person I am, and to be at peace with myself that I forget that once upon a time I was all those things. Children are wonderful at knowing who they are. Sadly most of that awesome self acceptance and awareness gets changed by adults who think they know better.

Once upon a time in small town America there lived a little girl with golden hair, a cherub face and a soul filled with the lightness of being. I am cursed with a memory that holds onto useless info as readily as a wrapper holds a candy. With knowledge comes power, sometimes that power is not a good thing. I was a golden child until I started school.I was happy to live in ignorant bliss, public education changed all that. My childhood in a nutshell, before going to school, I was precocious. I asked a lot of questions. I was encouraged to be bright and full of life. With the coming of age I was  required to be educated. Off to school I went, only to find out there were queues to stand in for everything, no one cares if you are bright, no one wants you to be full of life; they want you to be compliant, obedient.

And that’s where all the fun and frustration began…I lost my sense of awe. I stopped wanting to know why.

I have decided that I have had enough of being a jerk to myself. I stopped thinking about my whys. Every time I allow myself to forget my whys I fall flat on my face. One would think that at my age I would be wiseR but I am not. I have always sorted out my feelings by trying to hide them. Why? I have a right to experience how I am feeling yet I try to suppress or deny them. Why? My response to raw emotion is not pretty. I have never learned to find peace in the chaos. I was not allowed to “feel” my way through sadness or stress or anger. I found other coping skills. FOOD:  my lover, my enemy, my friend, my partner in crimes against crumbs.

I have learned many things about myself and this crazy WW program that I try (yes, sometimes I actually try) to live with. Nutella is not my friend neither is any other processed carby junk food which hates me but makes me crave for its attention. I often struggle with my whys. I started obsessing with my being overweight so many years ago now that I am not sure my original reason why is still valid. I have come to a place of understanding that I do not need to be a size 8 to be happy or to be loved or to be friended or valued. I know those things are not my WHYs.

Why do I worry about my whys? What are my whys? Do have any whys? The answer?

I WANT… to be a better example of myself. I WANT…truth over lies. I just WANT to be happy with the person I am and the honest effort I put into being me everyday. No strings, no promises, no bullshit. I WANT…to be able to breathe, to climb a flight of stairs (without going into cardiac arrest), to button jeans [without having to stuff my muffin top into the pockets], to let go of self loathing because hating myself is easier for me than love. I WANT to remember how wonderful it felt being that little girl who knew her whys. I love the way I feel when I eat food I don’t have to be angry about or worry over its negative effect on my health. When I eat/drink the right things I am not thirsty from diabetes. I don’t crave more junk. My moods are better. I like being with me. I am more optimistic in how I approach every single day.

I am over feeling angry about the program changes that have once again tipped my cart over. There are bigger concerns in my world. Today I found the path again that led me back to my WHY.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Updates

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What is happening to our internet world? I go off to work, when I come home I find that Microsoft has updated my laptop without first warning me and yup, you guessed it threw my musings into a bin, literally. It took me the better part of two days to locate and restore my missing data. At first I thought I had picked up a virus, really just what every writer who uses a laptop as their medium needs, ERGH! Thank the writing GAWDS it was just an UPDATE!  Just as I got things back into some semblance of an order, Google did a thing with their drive !UPDATE ALERT! and I find myself once again chasing missing info.

I have missed you. Yes, it is true = ) don’t be embarrassed. I find peace sitting at my keyboard sharing myself, fears, wishes, dreams with someone who hears me. I went to my WWs meeting last week and I actually managed to lose a few pounds. WWs  corporate has reinvented the wheel and now EGGS are FREE ! Chicken breast, turkey breast, beans are FREE ! Yeah right and I am Ginger from Gilligan’s Island .

Ginger2 NOT!

Surprise people!!!! Foods you eat are not free. Some foods are packed with better nutritional value than other foods that doesn’t make them free! I came home filled with angst not joy. I have been angry all week. In the guise of freeness WWs has taken away points. I am pretty sure the small weight loss I had last week has packed its bags and moved  itself into my hips.

I know in my heart of hearts that if I walk away from this program I will return to it heavier than when I left. Stress eating you are the bane of my existence. Christmas time never stops being stressful. All the parties you “have to” go to, all the money you spend, all the BS of the prep work for a day most people have forgotten the true meaning for.

I know in time (when my clothes are choking me) I will work the program again. Right now I am just not feeling it. I just want to sleep until Spring. I am tired. I want to be ready to tackle this with all of my best efforts, right now it’s not what I am doing. I am at this party wanting to be anywhere else. I am not ready to embrace this new “FREE” food idea. Maybe tomorrow…