I Want One More Look At You

I never thought the other shoe was going to drop but it did. One minute we were laughing, talking about the small things in and around our lives and the next the phone rang…it was nearly midnight and you were gone like a whisper on the wind.

Are you watching me now? Once upon a time there was a family of five: a husband, a wife and three little girls. There was no picket fence, or tidy, neat lives arranged in a row; but, they were my family and though I didn’t know it then I feel it now, I loved them. All of them. Our number is now TWO. Sisters we are, strangers we have become. Once we were whole. My parents held us all together with faith, love, and hard work.

There is no worse feeling than the uncertainty that final goodbyes bring. Will I ever see you again? Will I be Okay without you? Will I ever feel happiness again? Will there ever be a time when I feel like a part of something larger than myself? I used to think I was a misfit but I FIT with my family. A puzzle of sorts where my odd bits jutted out where theirs spooned in. Damn it! I want one more look at you. Sometimes it is so difficult to be in the world where I feel like I am on my own. Is it selfish to want to swim in waters of their love? One more hug, one more smile, one last chance to just sit and enjoy each other for awhile. If it is selfish I don’t care.

I really tried this year not to be sad on Breny’s birthday but I failed. Are you surprised? Don’t be, once a soul is broken it never regains its full glory. I drove to Dunkin’ Donuts and bought myself a pity donut, a French cruller, and a hot cup of coffee. I found myself sitting in the donut shop parking lot talking to her ghost? or maybe it was just that part of my soul that clings to her memory. After my sister died I made a bucket list of things I wanted to do so I could never forget her but who I am kidding? I think about her everyday! I will never forget. Her photos litter my office. I have all the cards she ever sent me, all the letters written in her left handed chicken scratches, every little thing I can hold.

It is harder for me now to remember what she sounded like. Her laugh, her joy, her angry voice, her concerned looks… not many people can say that their sibling is their best friend. She was my everything. https://youtu.be/Pm7vULhD0o0

Are you Watching Me Now?

Love the people in your life. Everyday is a gift don’t forget to open it!

7 thoughts on “I Want One More Look At You

  1. I don’t think I can tell you how this post touched me. I thought you were talking about a love, a husband?? But it was your sister. My sister died 23 years ago. I can’t believe it’s 23 years. I so miss just talking to her. Some day. Truly your post touched my heart.

    • I was convinced as a small child that my parents gave me a kid sister. We were especially close. She was born with hearing loss. I taught her to read, write, ride a bike. We had our own sign language. She was amazing and I miss her everyday. Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry for your loss. Loss of a sibling ,the first people to really know all about you, is something that needs to be written more about.

      • The sister relationship is special. She was 5 year younger than me but we could talk to each other about anything. I accept that she’s gone, and I feel better, but I don’t have to tell you it’s an emptiness that never goes away. I’m sorry for your loss too. Some parts of life are difficult.

  2. I lost my only sibling 11 years ago and I have never gotten over his death. He was my rock. I know that he is in a beautiful place and with our Mom and Dad, my Son and Husband and at times I sit on that pity potty :(. The loss of our loved ones is devastating. Your writing always makes so much sense to me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love you my friend💝

  3. Trish, I am always here whenever your ready!! I Love you and I may not be such an eloquent writer as you are but I feel your pain along with my own. Every year my birthday comes and instead of looking forward to it I dread it simply because she’s not here. She always made it a point to call me so we can wish eachother a Happy Birthday! I feel the void always!! I Love You T know that!!

  4. Love you cousin. anytime you need a hug I am here for you. No kidding around. I am here. BTW, I can say that my sisters are my best friends because they are. We always have each others back. So as I said, always here for you. AC

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