Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

The Lost Weekend

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A film noir from 1945 starring Ray Milland and Jane Wyman. It is a story of an alcoholic that goes on a bender and well, loses an entire weekend. That’s how I felt last weekend. I overbooked my free time, stretching myself too thin (no pun intended) and poor choices were made. It’s a strange feeling when you first uncork that bottle. The aroma wafts toward you and you feel light headed, enticed and maybe even giddy. You are having such a great time that you don’t realize just how far your lifeboat has drifted away from its anchor…

…and it is election night and you can cut the tension in the room with a knife. People are angry and don’t handle their emotions well on all sides. Long term friends (not mine) are questioning loyalties and people go out of their way to be hurtful and hateful instead of life affirming and giving. What a week! I want to retire to my bed and mope under the covers until Spring…

…but I won’t!

I am better than all that! I deserve more from myself than giving up! It was one weekend. It is over. I had a ton of fun. I had stress that I could have handled better. Next time I will slow down and be better. Observe, absorb, learn, move on. I got to spend some amazing quality time with family, my best friend and a co-worker who I adore. There will always be another chance to put my best effort forward. Never lose HOPE! for without hope all will truly be lost. She is the holder of the light and beauty that guides us through our darkest days.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant to BE!hopewpid-wp-1410621777438.jpeg

 

Not My Best = (

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I struggle with being patient. I hate to wait. I try to keep my inner rage a secret. Sometimes though it bubbles to the surface, a meltdown starts and I have a mini explosion before I can fully regain my composure. Sorry.

Contrary to my own popular belief, I am human. I make mistakes. I can be hateful, mean and petty. I strive everyday to be better than the worst example of myself. This week has been a bitch. A slight runny nose blossomed into a full blown head cold early Tuesday morning. As I sit here writing I am huffing and puffing through my mouth as my nose refuses to breathe. I am angry and frustrated. I needed this cold to be gone Tuesday night! Last week I missed my Friday night writing deadline for my WWs meeting. Truth be told I was exhausted and emotionally spent. I wasn’t feeling the love for myself or anyone else to sit long enough to capture my thoughts in the hopes someone would feel inspired. I wasn’t feeling inspired. I am sorry. I was not my best.

I sort of tracked this week. I am sure my relaxed attempts will reflect back at me tomorrow from the scale. Am I okay with that? I should be and yet I am not. I need to be at my best to really put forth the effort needed to change a lifelong bad habit of abusing myself with poor food choices. Do you know what happens when I don’t feel my best?  I don’t DO my best. I start to feel sorry myself. If I start listening to the dark voices of my addiction that tell me, “just ONE won’t hurt!” I will be finished. When your addiction is food,” just one more” can ruin every thing you have accomplished.  It is hard for me to be good to myself when I have medicine head. All I really want to do is lie down in the middle of whatever it is I am pretending to do and CRY.

I haven’t cried but I have struggled.  I want to feed my anger and my frustration. I know it is not a great idea.  I am forgiving myself for not being at my best. I am trying to accept that on this journey I will falter and make mistakes. I have learned the most amazing things from some of the mistakes I have had. I will pick myself up, pull up my big girl panties and work through this! I will hold my head up high (my nose runs less this way) I will move forward and carry on. I can do this. I will do this. I want to be in every minute of this journey, bumpy road and all. img_20161104_174522668.jpg

Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant to BE !

 

 

 

and Cue the Music…

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Owning something for me means being honest with how I am feeling or coping with a situation in my life at any given time. Last week I went to my usual Saturday morning meeting. I wasn’t feeling my best and for the first time since going back to WWs in February I didn’t want to get out of bed and go face the scale (insert dread filled music).

I know myself pretty well, when the nasty, insult laden negativity starts to creep into my thought plane I need to be extra careful. I talked myself into the shower. I talked myself into making the drive across the city. I talked myself into walking into the door. I am that hesitant, negative tourist who ends up having a grand time once I convince myself everything will be fine. Everything was fine.

Have you ever felt wonderful and terrible at the same time? Instant unease in the pit of my stomach. I am happy that I am doing well but I am scared I will falter and give up. I am happy that I am losing weight but I harbor disappointment for having allowed myself to become so unhealthy in the first place. Wait, What?

The toughest part of this journey for me is to be honest with myself even when it hurts. In the end if I manage to work through the mental demons blocking my path I come out of the other end of the tunnel in a better place than when I entered the underpass, usually. This week I have been in a dark space. I have been running away from how I am feeling since my Pops passed away. I have experienced profound loss before when my kid sister died in a car crash. I survived but I am not the same. I struggled for years about not being enough, that  I let her down, disappointed her and if I had just been???!!!??? I could have prevented the tragedy in the first place. All lies, all self-doubt, all fear driven.

I am feeling overwhelmed and uncertain. I feel like an after shock. An earthquake came and destroyed my little corner of the world. Every once in a while I feel a wave of negative energy wash over me. I don’t know what to do next. I am afraid and I am struggling because I feel like I have been left behind. I will work my way through this. The anxiety I am feeling will pass. I will be Okay. I am not alone, family is bigger than what you are born into. I am just having a moment.

That moment:  an event or a feeling that can change your life path. I have had a few  moments in my time.  That moment when I realized that I meant something wonderful to someone. That moment when the phone rang and she was gone from my life forever. That moment when I finally understood that I am Okay just as I am. That moment when I decided that I am worthy of more than I have allowed myself to believe. Moments make up a lifetime. We all have bad, uncomfortable moments but it is up to you what you do with that. Don’t let small mistakes become BIG problems. My moments have taught me many things. I am stronger than I thought. I am brave. I am capable. My moments have been valuable beyond measure.

Before I met him I thought I would always be alone. Before she died I thought I couldn’t live without her. Before I married him I never knew how wonderful love was. Before I understood, I thought I was broken. Before I knew who I was, I yearned for something more; now I am enough. OWN YOUR MOMENTS. Learn from them, lean on them in times of uncertainty, embrace them. Be in YOUR MOMENTS.

Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant to Be

 

Great Expectations

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No, I am not talking about the Charles Dickens novel. The higher the goal you set for yourself the bigger the ladder you may need to reach it. I am sitting here in my little corner of the world slightly peeved. What is with the harsh amount of rain that I can hear and feel pounding my roof? I hate the RAIN. It makes me too introspective and gloomy. The only time I think I enjoy rain is on a hot summer night when the air needs to be refreshed. I am in a fowl mood. Yes, I said fowl. I really wanted to eat my favorite Friday night supper; grilled chicken breast with the grilled veggies and a pita. It is raining outside like Noah has been resurrected, sent on a mission to repopulate the world once the Almighty is done flooding evil doers into the afterlife. I won’t go out to my local pizza shop to get soaked just to eat chicken  =  (  So now I am grumpier than a two year old who refuses to nap.

Rant over!

images-jpg-dickens

I have realistic expectations of reaching my goal this time. I am trying not to let my good intentions get too far out in front of me. I am still making really good choices when it comes to my meal planning. I am allowing myself to be in my moments and enjoy the trip. I am rediscovering the person I have always been. I surprise myself everyday. I noticed for the first time today I can see my hands and face have slimmed down. Sometimes though I feel impatient, like tonight because it is raining. I want to rush through to the end of the story before all of the characters have been developed. WHY? I will get there when I get there. I am feeling more confident with myself. I feel younger than I have in a long time. Being really overweight made me feel worn down and tired all of the time. Now I feel like I could walk all day and dance all night. Go ME!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be !

 

Choices

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I start my routine in the darkness of early morning. I have been following this particular routine for many years. Sometimes under the guise of wisdom I try to change my set patterns for a new bag of tricks,which in all honesty, is the same routine only with more swearing caused from not applying my new found wisdom correctly. What? ; )  Sometimes I am such a dumbass! Do I get points for stubbornness? Having routines helps me to stay on point. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself grumbling over being bored. Routines can be so mundane… I fall out of love with having order where once there was chaos. Silly right? Everybody wants peace but if Peace and I go steady too long I get antsy. That is why I created cheat day. It can only happen once in a while and I can’t waste a cheat on something I could have everyday. You know like going hog wild and ordering croutons with my salad. Really? That’s all you got?

No! What I mean is that I allow myself to do or have something I really want. I won’t give into the dark thoughts that swim in the recesses of my mind. Those thoughts try to undermine my success by throwing guilt at the windows. Screw that! I think I have finally learned that it is ok to have a treat every once in a while as long as I stop and ask myself first, “Is this what you really want? or are you needing something else? like validation? or a hug? or some new pants?” Turns out sometimes I am not really looking for something to eat. I am looking for a nap, or a hug or clothes that fit.This morning while I was trying to decide if I should wear a pair of pants that fit or wear the baggier pants, I realized something. It feels great (wonderful and inspiring) to have more choices. Instead of trying to figure out what I am still able to squeeze myself into I have to figure out what won’t fall down around my ankles. It’s a nice choice to have!

This time around the Sound I have approached my weight loss efforts in a totally different way. I’ve changed my routine. I have not bought ONE frozen prepared entrée. I have made a lunch everyday. I have made better fruit and vegetable choices. I have been more patient with myself. I no longer hide my eating; instead I have expressed my needs and fears to my hubby. I am not obsessing over every ounce that I consume. I am having fun. I bought a Jawbone just so I could see if I can beat my own steps from the previous day. When I make a choice to eat something that is off the “grid” I try to leave a few bites behind. THIS IS HUGE for me. I was raised with the thought that leaving something leftover on your plate was not being thankful for what you were given. Horse pucky! It is my educated choice about the non nutritional value of that double dipped, chocolate swirl, caramel sticky bun surrounded with nuts, gooey heaven on my plate.  I only really want you because I am tired or stressed or any other myriad of excuses. It is okay to just have a taste. I can live without you BUN of DOOM! I’d much rather enjoy my new way of living than hang out with you anyway.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

What what?

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Wait a minute! Breathe…

My thoughts don’t always jump from my brain cake to the page so easily. I have had my apple cart pushed over and all of my wares have rolled to the nearest gully. In the quiet moments of my day , my emotions hit me like a wave. I am struggling not to let them brim over and make me cry. Everyone in my life wants to know if “I’m Okay” and I am not sure how to answer that. A vase with a crack might still hold water but would you trust it on your best coffee table?

I am not young. I am not old. Whenever I was with my Dad, I felt like a little girl. I was loved. I was protected. I was safe. Now I am without him. Will I be Okay? Yes, in time. I have to fill the void in my soul with something meaningful. I just don’t know what that will be yet. It is not the fall that kills, it is the sudden stop. I was holding my own until everyone left and all of the gatherings were finished. The moment I exhaled to relax and regroup, my emotions slammed into me. I have cried a lot this past week. I sometimes forgot to eat or I didn’t feel like eating. I will be honest with you, I tracked my food very liberally. I didn’t step too far out of bounds but I did stray. The difference is the old me would still be in bed, still eating, still crying, still trying to figure out what to do next. I would be angry, mostly at myself, I am sure, but…

I don’t do that anymore. I want more from myself. I want more out of my world around me. I spent too many years agonizing about being enough. Good enough, pretty enough, happy enough. ENOUGH!!!! I have always been just what I needed. The only standards I need to live by or up to are my OWN! If you don’t like that your life is a standing pile of POO, step away from the pile. Make a new path, find a new way. Everyone’s journey has different roads. Just keep truckin’ . When I start to swirl in my own self-doubt I quietly remind myself that my Dad believed in me. I will not give in to my dark thoughts. It only takes the smallest spark of hope to accomplish BIG things.

You are beautiful. You are important. You are enough. Believe in the power of YOU!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE-Ever!

Journey on

Pardon the Interruption…

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…We now return you to our regularly schedule programming. You never know what you are made of until you are forced to see ;  )

My Friday evenings are usually spent thinking of something inspirational and thought provoking for my group of fellow WWs. I try to blog before our weekly gathering on Saturday morning. This week was tough for me. Life dealt me a tough hand that ruined my week that threw me into a spin. My beloved Pops passed away in his sleep Wednesday night.

I knew someday it would have to happen, like most people I assumed we’d have another day. My bad. Let me say I have no regrets. I never let anything go undone when it came to my Dad. He gave me so much yet I feel like I gave him so little in return. I owed him a great deal. He taught me about perseverance, strength, love, beauty. He was not a perfect man but he was a great one. I have cried a lot in the past few days; but, I have also smiled and laughed and have been touched so profoundly by other people’s love for both me and my Dad.

I am truly blessed. My heart has grown three sizes. I thought I might not be able to keep on track and manage my foods.  I haven’t felt the need to feed my sadness. He is at peace. So I feel at peace. Whatever time we had together, whatever there was left to do that’s not yet done is okay, it’s all good. We had a great run, didn’t we DAD? I will stay the course and I will make it to my goal whatever it is because I have what I need to get there. He believed in me. He loved me. He had faith that everything always turns out just the way it is supposed to. I don’t intend to let him down. I am his daughter.

Never Give UP on the Person You Are Meant to Be

Faith is believing. I believe that someone will always be there in my corner guiding my way. These are my angels: Dad, Mom and my kid sister. Until we meet again all of my love, ❤ Trish

A heartbeat…

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…that is all it takes. One heartbeat between life and death. He was a good man. He had a family. He loved the people in his life in the best possible way; by being there. This man was my Dad. I love him. He taught me to live, to be kind, to drive a car, change a tire, whistle like nobody’s business. All of the very best things that I am are because of him. He was my biggest fan and my most favorite companion. I get my singing talent from him. He loved a good laugh and horrible jokes. To me he will always be my SUPERHERO.

He could yodel and had a great Tarzan yell. He loved country (& Western) music and dabbled in turning a tune or two. He believed in a higher power and tried never to miss church. He was a good man. He had a wife and three daughters. He loved us with his whole being. My Dad never had much but was always ready to share what he could.

Over time my Dad lost many things, a daughter, a wife, precious siblings, memories he wanted to know. My Dad had vascular dementia. He never lost me. I had him in the palm of my hand. I protected and cared for him with everything I had. We made memories that will last me the rest of my life. My Dad passed away last night. There will never be a day that I won’t miss him. There will never be a day that I am not thankful for all the wonderful memories we made.

“You know that I love you Dad?” Yes, I know. I love you too, sweetheart.”

Go dance in the stars Pop… You are finally FREE!!!!assorted 014

 

Words = Power

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HMMMmmmm….. seems I am out of words. Maybe it is because right now I have so many streams of consciousness (free flowing thoughts separate yet connected) that I am having difficulty putting my feelings in their proper place. Part of my weight loss journey is about celebrating NSVs, establishing better eating habits, recognizing , accepting and changing the things in my life that helped me to overserve myself in the first place. In other words, I finally shook off all of my regularly schedule list of excuses and lies. I stood up to myself and demanded to get better. I have been trying to be kinder, gentler to myself. Be more open to changes.

I am happy. That is not to say that I don’t have tough days or a week, unbridled happiness is fiction for TV. I did not make my regularly scheduled blog post this past Friday. I showed up late to my Saturday morning meeting. I was met with a wide smile and a question of concern from one of the leaders (who reads my blog) over my non posting and my tardiness. At that moment I shrugged it off due to being at the BIG E the day before.  I didn’t lie to her. I was tired and hormonal. I got up late! I am a girl, sometimes my monthly kicks my ass. I told her I was too tired to sit in front of my laptop and focus about my journey but that is not the entire truth.

Words = Power

In the beginning I started this journey towards a better me for a multitude of reasons. I missed the girl I used to be. I missed feeling well. You never know what a new day will bring. I forgot to take care of myself when my life was in turmoil.  I felt so hopeless I forgot how happiness soothes like sunshine after a rain. Everyone who breathes knows sadness, turmoil and pain. That is what makes us all alike. I let mine steal my worth.

Words = Power

Even if the only one who hears the words is me. Lies when repeated in your head somehow have a way of becoming self-truths. I know that MY negative thoughts are dangerous for me. I use my hubby as a sounding board when I am feeling like I should be punished for a food transgression. He is the one who gently reminds me that I am loved, that I am beautiful, that I am important. He never lets me down no matter how hard I push back.

Words = Power

I really like my primary care physician. I had my once a year physical last Monday. I am not a big fan of going to the doctor. Physicals, mammograms, oil changes are all part of life so why do they feel so intrusive? I have been putting my best foot forward since February. I dutifully went and had my lab work done in the middle of my vacation ! I was beaming to go see her, show her all that I have accomplished so far and you know what?…

Words = Power

…while she was pleased with the overall results of my efforts; I need to do more!  She was pleased to tell me that she could now move me off the MORBIDLY OBESE warning on my chart!  She has no idea that her words hurt me. She is a great physician and is very supportive. But,W-O-W!!!!  I think getting smacked with a pointy rock would have hurt less = (  I didn’t leave there feeling empowered. I left with a hole in my happiness. I struggled with myself and how this news made me feel the rest of the week.  The negative thought demon was swinging around in my mind, taunting me with bad ideas, lies and misdirection. I tracked all of my foods everyday. I made a list of any NSVs I had. Every time I let myself get distracted by my littered thoughts I tried to find something to change my mood. Instead of eating, I started binge watching a new show on Netflix! I finished two books I have been sort of reading for months now! I kept on keeping on. I was worried about going to the BIG E on Friday. Large Fairs have a way of sucking a person into a false sense of freedom; to do whatever, eat whatever, drink whatever. I almost forgot myself but I managed.

wordshavepower

I started to blog because I felt powerless and ineffective about taking care of a parent with dementia. I started to blog because I wanted to find myself. I started to blog because I knew someone might be out there feeling just like I do; like they are alone.  Words do equal power. I wield my power to help me be a better person. I am not perfect but I refuse to give up on the person I am meant to be. I had to let go of those medical words. I am working on a better version of me everyday. Everyday that I don’t give into a negative thought I am that much closer to achieving a healthier me! I am beautiful. I am strong. I am…whatever I can imagine I might want to be =  )

NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PERSON YOU ARE MEANT TO BE !

WORDS = POWER

 

 

House of Cards

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In the quiet of the gloaming I find myself reflecting on the moments of my day. Gloaming is the time before darkness settles in and the afternoon is filled with the soft glow of dusk.  The heat of the day is saying goodbye. The birds of song change their tune to something more soothing and mellow as if they know night is nearby.  I can feel the tension in my body begin to wane. I cherish these moments. Summer is hectic. The long days make me want to throw 40 hours into a 24 hour day. I hate when I become inpatient and try to live my life in 12 minutes.

We deserve more for ourselves. What is wrong with taking your time? This weekend, which for me began on Friday, was both crammed with activity and inactivity. Hubby and I made our annual trek to Springfield MA to visit the BIG E! As I get older I enjoy the trek across my great state less and less. The Mass Pike has never been a fun ride, ever. It is crazy long between exits and people with bad driving habits often make it unsafe. The Big E means the beginning of Autumn for me. I wait all summer for its arrival; yet, I dread the thought of going. It isn’t because I don’t have fun while I am there. It is just reality has a heavy hand. Now I have to prepare myself for shorter, cooler days with less and less outside time. Something WINTER this way comes…

I love the crispness of the air. I love being able to wear warmer snuggly clothes. I love that I can put on a hoodie and not have to wear the heavy digs of Winter. But, my mood begins to suffer. I struggle with sadness and feelings of being trapped. I grow anxious as the days get shorter and colder. I feel like a House of Cards waiting to be set astray by the gentlest of breezes. Something WINTER this way comes…  I wonder if this is how my Dad feels.

I feel melancholy since returning from my adventure on Friday. I have been fighting with myself all weekend. My Dad struggles with Dementia. He lives in a nursing home now.  I took care of my Dad by myself for nearly eight years. I am falling into the mood I adopted while taking care of him. At the end of each Summer I always felt like I was losing just a touch more of who he used to be. I would struggle with sadness, fear and anxiety. I learned to hate the dark seasons. I spent precious hours biding our time until the earliest hints of sunshine and light returned to our days freeing us. I am torn everyday. I want him to live forever but I want him to be free. I want him to remember but I know he will forget. I hate that love can’t fix everything. Happiness is a House of Cards.