Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

BLAHs

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It takes an unwavering belief ( some pain, sweat and tears) in one’s self to accomplish the improbable dream. I like to believe that nothing is impossible. Some days I just don’t feel IT ! I woke up with the Blahs (Balancing Act of Love and Hates). Have you ever woken up and just felt meh, not wanting to get in the shower or get dressed or adult? but there is that little voice inside your head that whispers the words of wisdom “get off your ass cake, you’ll feel better after a shower!” If I am not fully awake I listen to myself and stumble through my morning routine slightly irritated but optimistic that my soul will be right and I will feel ready to face my day and all the wonderful crapped filled moments of it.  I woke up this morning NOT wanting to listen to myself. I dillyed, I dallied, I almost made hubby and myself late for work  =  (

The Fall is coming. The weather is changing, my mood is too. I love the Fall but I hate the shorter days. I love waking up to the crispness in the morning air but I hate that by noon I am roasting if I wear pants to work. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Leg maintenance is a MUST for the Summer. If I want to wear shorts of any kind, I must shave the sticks( legs ) . I love that about Summer but I hate that about Summer. I love the Fall because it provides a little lea way with shaving but if you are not careful,go too long  and you can hurt yourself or your loved one! Like a picker bush in full bloom, you could take an eye out!

I find myself fighting the BLAHs this week. I am worried about the Fall. I had a great Summer. I did really well on program and did not miss a week of WWs. I got up every Saturday and went to a meeting. I am a little sad; my favorite season is drawing to a close. I will miss you fresh fruits and veggies = ( ***  I don’t know what to look forward to. The shorter days? The darker mornings? The heat running? Okay! wait a minute, hold it ! No looking back. There are plenty of things to get excited about with the arrival of Fall. No, I am not going to toss around praises for pumpkin here! candy-cornEven though it is yummy and good for you in a bunch of ways! People tend to go pumpkin crazy, which drives me a little nuts. How about soft blankies? and sleeping comfortably with the windows open? How about the Fall festivals happening in and around the city where I live? I am heading into this new season happier, healthier, smaller in size and bigger in confidence. I can do this. I can enjoy Fall without falling off program = ) I  will be able to wear my (old, new) winter jacket (that I grew out of, that I fit back into) again!

I am thinking I will join the YWCA until Spring. Keep moving, keep motivated and Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

 

Adventure Anyone?

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Life is pleasant unplanned for, wonderment. Growing up I can honestly tell you that I didn’t have many friends. Most of my friends were related to me or were kids in my neighborhood. School can often be a lonely place. If you are different from the norm it can be a brutal battlefield. Open season by others who lack the maturity to realize that it is the person(s) who are different that usually make the greatest effort to be better to you than the shits you hang around with. I survived public school. I was bullied; I became a bully. I am not proud of either experience but I walked away with life lessons I will never forget. I became a strong believer in random acts of kindness. I often sing in the middle of a store, a museum, or town square. I engage people in conversation about the loveliness of the day or an article of clothing that looks nice on them. I embrace my life with a joy I did not know growing up and I am a better person for it. Because I changed my attitude my life changed.

I am blessed to have amazing people in my life. My hubby has taught me so much about myself that I didn’t want to believe was true. I have the BEST bestfriend anyone could ever want. I belong to a book club that is filled with life affirming, positive, intelligent, well spoken females who inspire me.  I learn something new about friendship from these ladies every time we meet. I have learned to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you =  )

Yesterday I had the pleasure of undertaking an adventure with two ladies I met at hockey. Yes, I said hockey. My hubby is a HUGE hockey fan. As long as there has been hockey in our city we have held season tickets. I am more of a casual fan of the game. Often while hubby is engrossed in the goings on of the game I am being a social butterfly. That is how I met Christine and Allyson. Chris was doing duty at our team Booster Club table and I was trying to annoy her. Instead, I made her laugh (one of my more endearing qualities) I think. Allyson, whom I casually met at a game is friends with Chris. We met during intermission in between periods; a time spent by the diehards, hitting the bathroom, consuming snacks, trading stories about the shared love of the game and gossip. In time we became friendly.

Our first attempt at adventure in the last days of July showed me what great people they really are. Summer can be a busy time, we finagled our schedules to converge so these two could try to teach me all about kayaking. Our adventure day dawned with soaking rains. Time to break out Plan B. I find Plan B helps me to separate the true hearted from the PIAs (pains in the ass); sad but true. A like minded person will be willing and able to adapt to a new course of action and adventure while a PIA becomes like their moniker. Whining ,unless we are going to a winery, is just not cool. I have to hand it to these two. We adventured on. After some thinking we settled upon a walk around The Tower Hill Botanical Garden. We all got in a great walk, met some wonderful older generational people coming to Tower Hill for an event, and talked through a grand spectrum of life events. We found we have a lot in common besides the hockey. While we ate lunch we agreed to meet again before the doldrums of winter make life grey.

Yesterday we all piled into Christine vehicle and made our way to Gloucester, MA to have brunch at Sugar Magnolias. This place held up to my every expectation. I have eaten there once before. I found them just as wonderful this time around. Great food, small town feel, not mad expensive. The girl at the counter even remembered me =) . After we finished eating we headed over to Hammond Castle. We walked around the grounds before going into explore the castle’s secrets. The day was muggy and overcast. The sound of the ocean crashing over the rocks always makes my soul shine. I could have stood in that backyard all day and just watched the ocean but a catering service was setting up for an afternoon wedding and we were in the way. OOPS
We paid the admission and wandered through the castle. I am guessing insulation wasn’t a big thing back in the 1920s. It was stifling hot and the rooms smelled like a tomb. Still we had fun. I even sang in the Great Room and the gift shop. I couldn’t help myself 😉 After about an hour of roaming through the many landings and rooms we decided we needed fresh air and ice cream.
I had a lot of fun and we plan on more adventures soon. Thanks again for a great day.

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Now I See

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I made this life decision to be better to myself back at the very beginnings of February. I have been tracking, exercising, making better choices. I have been trying to be of a certain mindset. I try everyday. I log all of my foods even the ones I accidentally (on purpose) over indulge in. I have adopted the Elsa way of thinking about negative thoughts LET IT GO!elsa Just by applying a positive outlook on what I am trying to do I am having a positive experience. That is not to say that sometimes I feel angry or frustrated. I am just not letting it color the rest of my day in a bad light. This week I was off from work on vacation. I hate vacation time. I suck at relaxing. We never really go anywhere so having the soul of an adventurer kills me =  (

This week for the most part I stayed on point. I used my time wisely, had a few adventures, tried a few new things. People are beginning to notice my weight loss. I hate this part of my journey. The well meaning comments, the head turns, the questions about my health. I struggle with how it makes me feel. Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to accept/acknowledge a compliment?  Where does this come from? Why do I hang onto this? It is hard because sometimes I don’t believe I DESERVE TO HEAR IT.

I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I will succeed. I am worried that I will become to overconfident and fall into the bad practice of only half trying. I have been overweight nearly my whole adulthood. I have never admitted to anyone before that I have an eating disorder. It is a tough burden to own. Not all people who are over weight have an eating disorder. My ED will control my life if I let it. If I minimalize how it affects me or make its power too mighty, I suffer. My over eating has always been tied to whether or not I feel comfortable with who I am. I use food to punish myself. The minute I start comparing myself to others I falter. I become small in my own mind. I struggle with my self-worth. Am I good enough to be loved? Am I good enough to succeed?  I let go of that bad mojo. I don’t want or need it in my life anymore.

Am I worth the effort? Of course I am, so are you. I will never be magazine beautiful but I am beautiful. I will never be wealthy but I have so much more than money can ever buy. I AM enough. I don’t need to “fix” my flaws in order to be worthy. I just need to try to make each day better than the last one. You know what? Just like Dorothy, in the Wizard of OZ, everything I have ever needed has always been right there in front of me waiting for me to see. love

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE =  )

 

Vacation?

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I try to write something new every Friday night before my Saturday WWs meeting. I usually have ideas filtering through my mind all week, so there really isn’t much of an issue for me to find the right words for how I am feeling. I sit at my laptop and engage you in a (one-sided conversation) like we are together in a room, enjoying a drink and catching up on our busy lives. I didn’t do it this past Friday. I am sorry  =(     I decided I was on a vacation. Ok, that’s not really true; I was just super exhausted. I fell asleep half undressed before 9 p.m.

I wanted to spend some father /daughter time with my Pops. I decided to take him out of the nursing home for some fresh air and a haircut. Sometimes when I am on vacation I allow myself to get too busy and I don’t spend much time with him. I am not a Spring chick anymore so by the time I returned him safely to his residence I was POOPED.

Hubby and I went to our favorite local pizza joint for our “yippee we are on vacation” supper. “The plan” was to stay up and watch bad TV, enjoy each others company and then go to bed. I altered “the plan” by walking into the bedroom. I wanted to change into my jammies. I had every intention of joining hubby in the living room. My alarm slammed me awake at the ungawdly hour of 5 a.m. I don’t remember falling asleep. I never made it into my jammies, nor did I brush my teefs (teeth). My morning was less than glorious. I wasn’t feeling it. I had made plans with a friend from work to go on a pre-Zombie adventure to Salem, MA. I didn’t want to go to a meeting. I didn’t want to weigh-in. I didn’t want to go on an adventure. I woke up crabby!

It is rare for me to wake up and be in a bad mood. I assure you it does happen, my hubby can attest to it. I talked myself into getting into the shower. I grudgingly ran through my normal morning routine. I pep talked myself into being in a better mood. I talked to myself all the way to my meeting. I was going to make it a great day. You know what? It turned out to be a GREAT DAY!!!  Attitude really does have a lot to do with how successful or how much we struggle on this path. Once I made up my mind to be in my moment, crabby or no, my attitude changed.

I logged nearly 15,000 steps on Saturday, the most steps I have ever walked in one day ! Kim and I walked all over that crazy town. Kim graciously took my pic with the Bewitched statue. Cross that one off my bucket list. I am proving many things to myself. I am a force. I can do this. I am having fun while doing this. No one can do it for me.  Your life is waiting for you…go find what makes you happy and DO IT! Never give up on the person you are meant to be!

squee

 

Mirror, mirror…

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…on my wall.  I have had quite a few things on my mind this week. Thoughts that randomly invade my sleep, thoughts that nag at me in the check out line at the grocery store, questions that come to me when I am mid-conversation with someone. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about where I’ve been, how far I have come, and what is next for me on this adventure. I try to face my fears with humor, determination, and a good anxiety med now and then  o-O .  Last week I told you about my need for new bras. I was nervous about going. I  talked to myself from the time I left my morning meeting until late the next afternoon before I bravely ripped off the Band-Aid of fear, plunging headlong into the experience. You know what? It wasn’t as bad as I remembered; maybe I have changed,opened myself up to a new way of being myself. I am down both a cup size and a band size, Yeah!!!!  =  )   =  )  =  )

It is not just my body that is different. I feel different. Happy in a way I have not been happy in a long time. I noticed for the first time this week that my pace while I walk is quicker. I am not so out of breath any more. My feet don’t hurt.  I feel more confident in my ability to choose the right things for myself. I have enough energy to last through my workday and still have enough reserves left to go shopping or take an evening walk or enjoy extra curricular activities{{wink, wink}}. No nap needed =  ) I know there is more work to be done. I just thought I would take a moment to rest, appreciate the wonders I have seen before I continue the climb.

I look in the mirror. I see my smiling face. There is a feeling a self-worth. I am becoming the woman I want to be. Once upon a time I couldn’t see through my tears. I missed the beauty that was right in front of ME! The beauty (inner) has always been there; I just forgot. Life pushed me hard. I lost my balance. I fell down. I thought I would never be better. I got to a point where I was tired of feeling badly about who I was, who I was allowing myself to be.  I stood up to myself and took control. It has been tough on me to accept that my normal means being ever mindful about my mouthfuls; but, I am a big girl and I am learning to adult. I got this. I am doing this. I own this.

 

re·flec·tion(rĭ-flĕk′shən)n

1.The act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.2. Something, such as light, radiant heat, sound, or an image, that is reflected.3.a. Serious thinking or careful consideration: engaged in reflection on the problem. b. A thought or an opinion resulting from such thinking or consideration: wrote down her reflections.4. An indirect expression of censure or discredit: a reflection on his integrity.5. A manifestation or result: Her achievements are a reflection of her courage.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Cups

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I am unsure of how many men read my blog so I want to start by apologizing in advance. This post is girl biased. I lived for years with the shame of having way too much sand for my sandbags. I have never(not once in my lifetime) ever enjoyed shopping for a bra. The Trish of old would safety pin, glue, sew; hell, if I could’ve fixed a favorite bra with a staple gun I would have been the girl to give it a try =  )  It is difficult for me to feel comfortable about my breasts. Most women have a hate/love relationship over it. Over the years I’ve settled for; if they behave I will be happy. C’mon you know what I mean about behaving. Stay in your cups, no sneaking out.

Some bras push your kibbles and bits sooooo close together you look like you are hiding your unborn Siamese twin. Some are great in the support arena even if they snap you into an unnatural posture. Others are not intended for large full loads but I will admit I bought you because you looked pretty. Even I can be drawn in by false beauty, DAMN! My favorite unfavorite is the underwire. I mean really, you would think that by name alone it would do as it implies and STAY under your breasts to lift and separate. LIES!!! The wire tends to slide back and forth like a bow across a fiddle, poking you in the armpit randomly causing just enough discomfort to make you grit your teeth while trying to accomplish the simplest every day tasks like breathing.

I have come to the part of this journey where my old tried and trues no longer do their job. I have lost enough back fat to necessitate a newer smaller set of cups and spoons. Time for the dreaded(ful) bra fitting. I am not a hugger by nature so you can just imagine how uncomfortable I feel whilst another woman comes at me with a tape measure and a look of disbelief or horror, yes, it could be horror I see there. (I am afraid to ask)! I can not tell you how happy I am that I am on the last set of hooks instead of stretching the first set almost free from its anchored slots. After weigh-in tomorrow morning I plan on putting on my bravest smile, tame my fears and head to Lady Grace.  I am ready to (be groped and prodded) fitted for new, flattering, well-fitting friends . Never let it be said that I am not brave enough to face my demons head on.

I grew these beauties myself. I try to take good care of them( I still wash them by hand every day!). Be kind to yourself. Buy some new gear! Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

Words on a Wednesday

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Every step I take brings me closer to my destination. I love the summer months.Summer brings longer days, brighter skies, adventure, BBQs, baseball, the heat, thunderstorms and humidity =(    I hate humid days. It curls my hair and my mood. I feel like Velcro. I fish through my clothes searching for the most breathable fabrics I own. Any type of real activity leaves you feeling like a moist towelette you get from a fried chicken place. YUCK! but it’s Summer… so suck it up Buttercup!

When Summer slips into the months of August and the earliest parts of September I start dreading the coming Fall. I hate this part of summer. It is the time when I start taking inventory of what I have that fits versus what I have that I have grown out of. My recent past has been spent in turmoil over the things that I grew way to fluffy to squeeze into. I mean who doesn’t love a nosh at a family BBQ? or ice cream every weekend? even if it is at the expense( or expanse )of your waist line and your health?

This summer I am in the same exact situation but from a different perspective.  I have been eating healthier, making the best choices I can. I have lost enough weight that most of my “go to” line of clothes floats on me. Oh no, I need clothes. I hate to shop. I am bad at it. Worry, anxiety, stress, tears … this moment is being interrupted by a feeling I have inside me that says, “it’s okay, you are doing great things for yourself. This is not a race. This is your life, live it on your terms.” I have taken inventory in my closets and dressers. I have clothes that I can wear. There will be no unplanned nudity from wardrobe malfunction.  My hard work is beginning to pay off. I am learning to enjoy the fact that my clothes feel better against my skin. I no longer feel like I am being held hostage by my underwear. There is no pinching or bunching at the seams from any of my clothing.  YEAH ME!

It has been a really long time since I have felt this relaxed in my own skin = )  Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Anyone want to go shopping?

It Didn’t Happen…

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Sometimes an adventure doesn’t go the way I envision it. The stars don’t align, my destination is inexplicably closed, my vehicle misbehaves. I can get angry or I can find the adventure in the Missed Adventure I have been dealt. Find the joy where you are. This past weekend stuff went awry. I ventured out with a friend from work for an afternoon of fun. Our plan was to walk the Quabbin Reservoir, visit a winery (for some shenanigans) and hit Rose 32 Bread for lunch. And that’s when… the grapes hit the fan.

Okay so maybe that’s a little over the top but things didn’t go as planned. I came home from my usual Saturday morning meeting/weigh in. I fed hubby and the cat (PIMYA). I rechecked my notes, maps, and snackies and set out. I sent a text to my friend letting her know I would be in her neighborhood by 10 o’clock. I was driving up Route 9 towards the Brookfields when I realized I hadn’t yet gassed Bessie up for our adventure. When things start to go wrong, the fallout gathers speed rather quickly. If you are not careful the whole day can be ruined. I’m a worrier by nature so I was starting to feel a little stressed. “Breathe, Trish, just breathe” Yes, I talk to myself, who doesn’t? I am a firm believer that a positive outcome can be achieved if you keep trying for one = )

After much fanfare and a few false starts I finally made it to my friend’s house. I am an easy travel companion; I don’t mind if others want to join our band of mayhem and mischief makers so our duet became a quartet and we headed out. The ride to the winery was the best part of our morning trip. The road and surrounding scenery were awe inspiring and beautiful. I try to give credit when and where it is warranted. Having said that, notice I make NO MENTION of this winery by name or give it free publicity. It simply didn’t live up to it’s glowing reputation. Our band of merry makers arrived just shy of 11 o’clock. The grounds were manicured, beautiful, and void of any activity. I checked my phone for the time. They should be opened. Hmm?

The early bird doesn’t always catch the worm. Sometimes he snags a crabby apple. Just our luck =( The best way to get and keep a repeat customer is to give them something to come back for. I offer nothing here except that I was greatly disappointed by the failure of this part of our journey. I give credit to my fellow adventures who let their obvious disappoint roll off their backs. We simply finished up and MOVED ON. Being in the right mind set makes the difference between success and failure. We  ventured down to the road a bit and found a slice of Heaven in the way of a local café/bakery.

Did you live near a local bakery when you were growing up? To know the smell of fresh baked wonderfulness makes my inner child squee with a delighted happiness I can only compare to a paid day off, an early winter thaw, finding money on the sidewalk = pure JOY. I read the offerings mindfully and chose wisely. I was not disappointed. The bread fresh, made on site, all of the components equally fresh and eye appealing.Rose 32 Bread made the sour memory of the winery fade into a minor glitch in an otherwise perfect day.

The key to success? Be prepared for what may come your way. Our adventure didn’t turn out the way it was planned. I met a new friend (hi, Jordan!). I reconnected with a cute little girl who has turned into quite the young woman (hi, Sadie!). My coworker (Kim) was patient, fun, and generous; never complaining once about the turn of events. All in all our Missed Adventure turned out nicely. I try to approach my WW journey with the same winning attitude. I try my best to make the best choices for myself. I stop and take a deep breath when things feel like they are slipping from my grasp. I adjust my plan and move on. I don’t always succeed but I never give up.

 

 

 

 

For the Love of a Salad

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Do you have a favorite food? That one dish you would sacrifice all of your weeklies for? The one dish you dream about? Laugh, if you want but my all time favorite thing in the world is a garden salad with grilled chicken from Steve’s Pizza in West Boylston. Yes, I weigh the chicken. I count the Syrian pocket that comes with it. The only thing I truly CAN NOT figure out is their dressing. It makes the salad that dish I would sacrifice every one of my weeklies for.  Yes, I log the dressing too! even if it is creatively.  ;  )

I am learning to recognize the taste of the food I eat. Food has always been my bestfriend and my worst enemy. In the past I have used food as a mood stabilizer. A difficult admission but I spent years running away from myself, my dreams, my life. I would eat with no other purpose than to distract myself from unpleasantness. Numb my inner demons instead of deal with real issues. My own feelings of loneliness, self-hatred, fear. I wasn’t taught coping skills as a child. It’s a poor excuse to keep leaning on in adulthood. Who knew it would take me almost a lifetime to stand up to myself and demand more because I finally understand my worth.

I refuse to let food push me around anymore. I am the boss of me. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am trusting myself to make the best choices from what is available. I have given myself permission to be flawed. Perfection is not truth in advertising, Photoshop is. Live your life. Never Give Up on the person you are meant to be. Food is my bio-fuel not my friend or my council.

 

Almost

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I almost didn’t make it… I almost called you…I almost made the biggest mistake of my life…I almost…

Once a few short years ago I ALMOST made it to goal but I gave up. I was tired of just being out of reach of that magic number. I was scared of being “normal.” I was losing belief in myself to survive maintenance. I felt very conflicted about the “new” me.

What makes this time around different? Simple answer : ME

I am handling myself much better now than I did before. I believe in what I am accomplishing for myself. I am trying to stay positive. I forgive myself when I falter. I am trying not to drive my framily crazy with constant chatter over my lifestyle changes. I am having fun. I am jumping at the chance to partake in the world around me like I have never done before.  I am having the time of my life. I think they call it “FUN”!?!

Adulting is hard. It is the tough job. The vacation schedule sucks and often there are not enough carefree days. I have accepted that what I am doing is the best course for me to achieve a healthier lifestyle. I have accepted that I CAN NOT trust myself around certain foods or food situations. I have accepted that there is no FINISH LINE or complete date. I am a work in progress and will remain so the remainder of my days. But don’t we all have things we are working on?

Last week I was kind of pitching a party tent for myself. I knew I was heading for a plateau so I dusted, got myself ready to set up camp to stay awhile, but a funny thing happened on my way out of my meeting. I felt like it was time to go after it,to keep moving forward so I did. I put more moves on my Jawbone this week than I have in a long time. I went on two adventures. I had a great week. I may make stops along my way but there is no stopping me.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be =  ) Journey on!