Category: angst

There Is a Sadness…

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…that sits with me. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It came with the knowledge. There is a period in every human’s life where we live blissfully unaware. Unaware of the things that change us and shape us into the adults we will become. I have always believed that we are all born with the same potential. We are all capable of achieving great things for ourselves and for those truly gifted, maybe the world. People in general, are also hopelessly flawed, {{{sigh}}}. In a quest to fix themselves they often push their failed dreams and inspirations onto their children, or there is mistreatment, judgment, and abuse. I love my family but like most families we had our ups, downs, and weirdness.

My knowledge came the day my little girl soul realized I was not loved or wanted as equally as the others. I have been treated differently my whole life. I am that kid that colors outside the lines. I am that kid that daydreams in your class because I am beyond what you are teaching. I am at that kid that craves to know WHY over everything that I find curious. I am at that kid who will drive you to the brink of anger but, I will not understand what I have done to put you there. I am that kid that relates to you by telling you a story of a similar nature to how you are feeling so I can avoid being told…you can’t possibly understand how I feel. I am a terrible listener, because the truth is I probably can’t or don’t want to because I always felt that NOBODY ever cared how I felt. So, sadness came to sit with me.

SADNESS and I have known each other for a very long time. I am fairly adept at managing it but occasionally just for a change of pace, life intervenes and then I find SADNESS holding my hand, making my decisions, borrowing trouble so ANGER can come for lunch.

Lately, I have been putting myself through the ringer. My older sister passed away in August. While we were not close and really had not been a part of each other’s lives for quite a while, I loved her. My inner child pines for days gone by, when we were children and all of the world’s wrath had yet to unfold on us. (DARK? sorry that’s how I feel) but we all know that life consistently rolls forward with or in this case without you. I hate to cry but as I age, I find myself getting really good at. I do not enjoy when I feel myself welling up over shit that I would not have spent more than a few seconds of apathy on in my youth. Who is this old lady that inhabits my soul? I told you ANGER has come for a visit. The realization of me being the only peep still carrying the colors for my family feels wrong. It makes me feel all the feels, which, if you know me, makes me very uncomfortable with any of it.

I feel a hope rising within me. While sadness and anger are a part of everyone who lives, it is time for them to go back on the shelf with the other time worn emotions of my soul. Negative emotions suck too much energy out of who I know I am. Yesterday, my usual sense of being returned. Things are getting better. I no longer have to be the kid who fixes other people’s problems. IYKYK. I am seen. I am heard. I am wanted. I am LOVED.

Brenda 2004, Mom 2007, Pops 2016, Celine 2021. My family. Tears flow for the love I no longer get to share with the ones who have gone on before me. Until we meet again. You know, I love you, right?

The Bubble

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Everyone that you know in and around your life, myself included live their lives in a bubble. Wait, hear me out. As adults we generally have a decent dedicated small circle of friends and family we lean on, look up to and hang out with. These people are part of our bubble and in turn we are part of theirs. It reminds me of math class when the teacher makes the circles on the chalkboard showing where common variables are within the innermost middle of the bubbles that are intersecting each other. This is life. The bubble changes size many times in the course of a lifetime. Variables change; people come and go, loved ones die.

I have an older sister. She was recently diagnosed with stage four cancer. Our family bubble has always been lopsided. Not perfectly formed, difficult to maintain. Our mother was a wounded soul, who brought that into a family dynamic. Those wounds braided themselves into the fabric of our lives. I often found myself at odds with my older sister. Yes, there were times we truly got along. Sadly, there were many more times when I just didn’t want to be part of her bubble. I have always loved her. I have not always liked her or appreciated her. It is a wonderful thing that love never dies or gives up.

Because I am an ass that holds a good grudge our relationship has been strained for many years. I take full responsibility. She didn’t reach out to me about not feeling well until the rowboat she has been drifting in life with started to take on more water than she could bail. There has been contact throughout our grown-up lives but nothing really meaningful. She moved out of Massachusetts in the late 1980s. Only rarely to come back this way. Weddings, funerals, the occasional “I miss the family” tantrum, and in the grand scheme of things just because she wanted to be loved by her bubble, her family.

I have always been the odd duck. I prefer Swan, but whatever. I was the middle child. I am an introvert. Go ahead and have a good laugh, but it is true. When you experience me in public that is the mask I learned to use for survival. I prefer tangible things that don’t have emotions over people who make life messy. Being this way makes me appear angry and judgmental sometimes. I have never been good managing my own emotions. No one ever taught me. My mother was ALL over the place. Happy one minute, raging against the machine the next. Growing up was? Let’s just say I am adult survivor of our shared childhood traumas. Enough of that. Time to get to my point.

Celine is my sister. She has stage four Breast Cancer. I know very little about her adult life from the past 25 years. My choice. In an effort to create my own (bubble) life, my own version of happiness, I simply did not reach out. I cannot change the way our paths have gone. I am unsure about how I feel. We have spoken. I am at odds. I am angry for us. I am angry at myself. In my efforts to avoid feeling or dealing with my emotions, I hurt her. When in fact I just wanted to exist in a place where peace reigned. Foolish mortal. I cannot undo what has been lived. I am sorry I wasn’t … present in your life. I am sorry I missed the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have no idea how much time she has left on this plain of existence. I hope she finds peace in her final days. I do indeed LOVE her. I hope our loved ones on the other side of the veil greet her with the love she missed in this life.

3:36 A.M. Sleep Derailed

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It is often in the small hours of the morning that I find myself awake, fighting off dreams that are searching for meaning. This morning is one of those mornings. I misplaced a favorite sweatshirt. I have been riddled with angst ever since I sought out its comfort and found I have NO IDEA where I have left it. Is it in my vehicle? No. Is it at my gym? NO. Did I leave it at work? Possibly… To the outside observer this all most seem trivial, but it worries me. I am not a fan of getting older. I have noticed that lately my hands are unable to button /unbutton tiny closures. I cannot see fine print as easily as I used to. My music is now MUZAK. WTF. Sometimes, more often than I like to admit, I am having a time remembering everything. I have become a list maker. A LIST MAKER (Key, dread filled muzak).

Hubby and I went to bed at 8:30 ON PURPOSE. WHO? have I BECOME? Well, I have zero ideas, but I will never stop trying to figure it out. I am having a hard time at the moment with my headspace. Menopause is a tough mistress. She takes (my youth), takes (my hair), takes (my humor) and the only things she is willing to give I do not want (wrinkles, weight gain, and, anger issues). Most days I am just fine. I mean I have to embrace whatever comes at me, eventually. I try to live every day with a positive twist but sometimes I carry the weight of my decisions on my shoulders which in turn becomes bad dreams where I feel like I am treading water wearing kitten heels and a white shimmering dress. [Spoiler alert…this is an obscure reference to Ginger Grant on Gilligan’s Island. I told you I am OLD…er] No one will rescue me, that is my job. I am capable. I am willing. I just need to stop being so hard on myself.

I recently watched a video; ok it was an Instagram reel but still. This guy was talking about how we as humans have to learn to lose people and be okay with it. He wasn’t talking about loved ones who die but people who walk away from our lives or that we walk away from. I learned that my “need” to ask my hubby a hundred times a day if he is okay is actually a leftover from childhood trauma. Why? because no one ever asked me if I was okay when I was a kid and I clearly was not. Mind Blown! I overthink everything. I have a hard time relaxing. I lack the ability to let go. I suffer with anxiety, who doesn’t? I don’t like people to know that but recently I have come to the conclusion that I do much better if I just admit I am having a tough day. Life can be a challenge on great days. I love a good challenge. I am not giving up on myself any time soon. Thanks for sitting with me while I thought through my nightmare. I think I will go back to bed and squeeze in between hubby and our cat and just wait for the dawn of a new day…Check you later…

In My Own Little Corner…

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In my own little chair… Rodgers and Hammerstein

I’m as mild and as meek as a mouse
When I hear a command I obey.
But I know of a spot in my house
Where no one can stand in my way.

In my own little corner in my own little chair
I can be whatever I want to be.
On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere
And the world will open its arms to me. https://youtu.be/zLzWe2FXMIA

I am a child of the 60s & 70s. There was no internet or shopping on Sunday, no cellphones, and color television was in its youth. Disney was a family event on Sunday nights on NBC (the peacock network) and we watched all of the magic as a family. I first saw Cinderella sometime in the early 70s, not animated but with the most beautiful people a five- or six-year-old girl could ever imagine were real. Our family did not own a color television until the late 70s. As I remember it was not a new purchase but a cast off from a relative who could afford to buy a newer model. The colors on our secondhand TV were skewed a little? People should not be orange hued. Stereo sound was not an option until the 80s, yet I thought our secondhand TV was the most magical gift. Remote control channel changing was not a bonus on this set so one of us (the children, of course) always had to be on the ready for a channel change, which meant dashing across the room to spin the dial. I never wanted this job, as I might miss something of importance in a commercial or the opening scene of a show.

I was smitten (still am) with this adaptation of Cinderella. The actress (Lesley Ann Warren) who played Cinderella was in my young eyes so beautiful, so timid, so brave, so many things I tried to manage my feelings for. I really believed she was in that kitchen by the hearth dreaming of a better place, a happier place, a place where she was not afraid, where she could be anything she dreamed she could be.

Where is the wonder that I once knew? The reality of being an adult is that we lose our ability to see the world as we once did. I am at that point in my own life where all of my “heroes” are leaving this plane of existence. Lisa Loring, Cindy Williams, Olivia Newton-John, Irena Cara, Robbie Coltrane, Kirstie Allie, Sidney Poitier. For the record, Lesley Ann Warren is alive, and hopefully is doing well. In my heart of hearts she will always be my favorite Cinderella although Brandy comes in a very close second place.

To all of the people who have sat in their own little chair dreaming of better versions of themselves or that which surrounds you. I see you. I hear you. We are all capable of being more than we accept. You are ENOUGH. You are LOVED. You are beautiful. You are a wonder! You are everything to those that you love. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

We are the music makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
    On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
    Of the world for ever, it seems.[2]

— Stanza 1 from Ode by Arthur O’ Shaughnessy 1873 borrowed by Roald Dahl for inclusion in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Rolling Stone

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Sisyphus lives

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

…Happily Ever AFTER

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After what? Hmm? Really, why do we have to wait for after? What if after never comes? I will be happy now in the present not AFTER : I own my own home, or get the best job, or wait until the debts are paid down. Happily ever after is an old timey way of feeling good about living through a rough patch, being greeted with fresh hope for the better tomorrows that may never come. Screw that.

We met at hockey. She was part of the staff of security guards at our local arena/convention center/concert venue. We hit it off. We have had some good belly laughs over the years. We have gossiped, chatted, compared war wounds, and held our heads as high up as we could manage when one of us got our wings clipped ( life decides to throw a curve ball ). She is the one I walk with whenever we both manage some time away from commitments, chores and other miscellaneous happenings.

She has always been the shoulder I seek to lean on when I need to lean. She never tells me to get over myself, or stop being a baby, or “grow up” she listens. She hears me. I hope she feels the same way about me. I try to be her sounding board when she wants to vent, “no strings attached”, no judgements thrown or made. She is indeed a rare find. Her and her hubby have not had the best of it lately. There have been too many doctor/hospital visits in the recent months. Yet, she still manages to be as open, upbeat, and well, her. Everyone takes a beating from life. You just can’t let it beat you in the race. Show up, participate, be your best self. She has taught me so much. Don’t just listen but hear what is said. Take in all of the beauty around you. She is the best kind of friend, in being herself I have become a better person.

I wonder if you realize how brave you are? how strong? how wise? Your life path is headed in a new direction. I will not leave you because that life path has become difficult. It just means that some days I will lead. All you have to do is call… I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved.

Unfettered

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Every Sunday I make my way to Shrewsbury to go to my WWs meeting. I buy myself a coffee, as a sort of enticement for a job well done or at least attempted, from my local Starbucks. More than once I have pinched, swiped, taken or asked if I could have a painted rock from the drive-thru window. I assure you it is okay. The rocks are left there in loving tribute to Zoe Wolfus, a Shrewsbury teen who died by suicide.

I never had the pleasure of knowing this wonderful human. Being a local to this area I have seen the write up for her from the obituary. I have read tributes to her on Facebook. I just wanted to say thank you to the Universe in hopes that somewhere she will feel that little spark of joy on a Sunday which makes all the difference and I am sure not just to me. Her friends and family paint the rocks as a way to pay her life forward. She wanted the world to be a better place.

Any time we choose kindness the world IS a better place. If you or a loved one needs help, ask for it. Someone is always willing to listen. Love is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Trust the people in your life to be there for you. As people we often go to extreme measures to save the littlest of creatures but we are fearful to ask for help for ourselves.

You are enough. You are loved. Believe in your beauty.

You Are Stronger Than You Know.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

The Tale of the Kiss and the Slap

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Or why the pain of rejection lingers. If a magical being flew into your life blessed one palm of a hand with a kiss and the other with a sharp slap which would you remember longer? Most might say the kiss because it was innocent, sweet and well, magical while the other was rude, disruptive and hurtful. Which one? It’s easy…the one that hurt. Pain whether it is physical or emotional tends to linger. We try to figure out what we did to deserve it or we waste energies trying to absolve ourselves. If you are an overthinker, like me, you turn over every minute, dissecting every detail. I have to tell myself to stop obsessing. When I was young and experiencing life on my own without the safety net of family, I did not know how to make friends. It is a skill set that, let’s be honest, we work at our whole lives. If you are blessed to have one close friend in your adult life, that you are not romantically involved with, congratulations! You have won the lottery! Sometimes relationships just stop working. We all enter into relationships because there is something there we are drawn toward. We need (OMG I SAID THE NEED WORD) to feel like a part of a larger picture or there is something we want that we might never have experienced before, or there is a beauty there we fall head over heels for. (THE KISS)

Why do relationships break down? BOREDOM? infidelity, having different life goals, age, maturity ? Yes, all of those things. I am saddened to say that sometimes there are other darker reasons : abuse, neglect, alcohol or drugs, betrayal. (THE SLAP) The relationship must end for the health of all involved. Some are successful with the breakdown while others spiral out of control. I use breakdown because no one feels up after a relationship ends. Well, I never do anyway. I used to be the one to spiral, not anymore. I know what I am worth. I want more for myself than what I used to settle for.

I am also not the same person I was before life slapped me around, lol. I am enough. I am a good person with a big heart. As I sit here writing this I realize that Once Upon A Time that wasn’t true, I was not a good person. I hated myself and things I wasn’t a part of. I carried around anger, hurt, disappointment … like they were accessories for my wardrobe. Often I was rude to people, disagreeable, because I was so unhappy with who I thought I should be instead of just being who I am. My younger sister taught me to see the vulnerability of life. If you look at something hard enough you learn to appreciate the work that went into making it a piece of art. My Dad thought the best of everyone he met, a rare quality. My husband was brave enough to scale my “wall of scorn” to learn who I was. I love him. He loves me. Our life together is no one else’s business. Have your opinions, I live my life. I love my life. I have learned to be a better person because of the people in and around my life.

Everyone who lives has regrets. I have few regrets. I love with my whole being. I am human, sometimes I am a queen sized ass hat. I try to own it all, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. I offer apology when it is offered in return. There have been people in my life who chose to be passive/ aggressive instead of working through a rough patch. I get it. Avoidance means that a person does not have to accept their roll in the souring of a friendship. It makes it easier to sell “the innocent victim roll” to everyone. I have been there and done that. It is an empty feeling because somewhere in middle of all that anger is the truth. Walking away takes strength. It is ok to be sad when you have a loss. Rest a bit, take stock in who you are, where you want to be and then go live your life. Go after whatever sparks JOY for you. GO after it. What ever that IT is.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Hello Darkness,

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my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again… Only this time I am the one pulling the strings, not the other way around. There is something going on in the background of my existence. I have been “not feeling well” lately. This whole be in your moments. Be happy in your life. Be grateful. I am trying to be content and adjusted but I am still struggling with the demons of to have or not to have. “it is only a cookie”, “a little bite”, “just this once”, but some times the landslide comes. I tumble down the side of my best intentions. I can feel myself slowly climb back onto the beast of self loathing because I want to give up. NOT TODAY !!! I DO NOT GIVE UP! Instead I choose me, my happiness, my life, my path.

I cannot entertain the silly notions I let loop in my mind. Yes, I am tired; I know I have less miles to go before I can safely exhale and take stock in all that I have accomplished. Today I will pick up my path where I laid my burdens down. Thankful in the journey and all I have learned about myself so far. Fake it until you make it , right ?!?

Why does change hurt so much? yet other times it is like a long awaited sigh of relief? I am unwilling to allow my worst self to take control of my well being. My life, and my perspective in my life has changed. There are days when I am in a constant battle over the joy a memory brings me and the anguish of trying new things. The problem with memories lies in the fact that emotion is what keeps us tied DOWN to them. We as humans try to hold onto happiness by recreating a favorite memory even if it is NOT A GOOD IDEA! Over the last few short years I went from being someone’s bestie to their DEAR friend. AM I happy for her but sad, angry and a little/lot hurt? YES…BUT!!! Our lives have changed. Her unique friendship skills are needed elsewhere. Her children are now mostly grown. I am no longer needed in the ways I once was. There is new found freedom for us both. Truth is; her new bestie needs her more.

She has no trouble finding new friends or new besties. I am not good at making new friends. I do poorly with the small things; sending cards, buying trinkets, remembering tiny details. I love with my heart and soul. I try to make you feel how much you mean to me in our moments. I will do most anything you ask. Movies? Let’s go! Lunch with your IN laws? Sure! Babysit a cat/dog or your house, drop everything to pick up that package from your stoop? Me, that’s all things I am, all the things I do, because YOU have value to me as a person and you are my friend. It hurts to be relegated to a new category. I feel uncomfortable in my new roll. Things I once would have easily shared I now keep to myself. I have found other people to hang out with. I enjoy my new friends but I miss what I once was a part of. I no longer chase anyone for their time. The other thing about change, no matter how badly you want something to be what it once was it can’t ever be. It just doesn’t work that way. The ultimate plan of the Universe? I don’t really know. I do know that there is no such thing as time travel. lol. Time has come for me to stand alone, to find new…?

I didn’t want to like you when we first met. I didn’t think my friend needed someone in his life with a premade family. Of course, I was wrong. I learned to love you. You are smart, beautiful, adventurous, caring, and so many things I admire. I used to joke that I would keep you over him. Funny, how time changes things. There is a season for everything in life, right? ETHFAR

But…we didn’t get to say good bye. WE just stopped trying to be friends.

I had major surgery in May. I am mostly fine but I am now realizing how mentally unprepared I was. I am a woman of a certain age and so menopause? will some day be in my future. I have a female reproductive illness and I had a shitty thyroid so my body is writing its own version of “when I am damned good and ready!” Seriously body stop being such a bitch. Hallelujah! for no hot flashes or sweats but MAJOR BOO for the tears over nothing, the sadness about my aging, the waves of anger I have never felt before, and my scar that I can not unsee! Anger and I have had an off again on again relationship for years so I foolishly thought I could handle these waves of emotion that sometimes feels soul encompassing. WRONG. I am not OKAY! Will I be OKAY? The answer is yes, in time. Right now I am happy treading water. I have done something with my health that I have always been unable to do before. I am making amazing choices for myself so my health gets better every day. I am proud of myself for finally choosing my well being.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS, inquire within

I love to go to museums. I have a huge interest in clothing from bygone eras. I love the theater. I love a good musical. I sing, no joking; all the time. I am no longer apologizing; it brings me joy and peace{kind of like Christmas but without the meaningless gift giving}. I love to adventure : walk trails, hike, shop, sail, browse a good sidewalk sale, drink great coffee, try a new hot spot. I love books, libraries and other centers of knowledge. I compliment complete strangers because being nice matters. I enjoy being amongst people I have things in common with. If any of this appeals to you LMK, K? we could so totally hang out. Who knows we could even end up BFFS? There is a position open = )

DISCLAIMER Some content is meant to be “tongue in cheek” no offense meant.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

LOST

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I am out too far. I cannot safely return to the shore. I have many more strokes to execute before I reach the other side. Dark thoughts haunt me as I tread water just managing to keep my head above the swirling darkness. I have come this way many times before. I never manage to make it to the other side…

Have you ever wanted to freeze your perfect moment in time? One of my favorite movie special effects happens with time freeze. All of the action is frozen except for the principle player and maybe one or two other key role players, a theatrical aside. Brilliant; until that is how you feel your life is unfolding. I plod along. I feel like I am finally gaining an understanding into why I rely on food so heavily to keep me happy and then I have an aside. I have been on program this time around for almost two years! I have been doing well. I know what I want. I know I can I break that tape across the finish line, and then I have an aside. I pause the action so I can freeze all the good things that I am doing with my life… so I can have an aside and misbehave.

WHY? wHy! whY?!?

It is late at night and in this moment I am LOST. I am surrounded by people I love who love me and yet I feel singular, alone, one. I feel abandoned, cast away to fend for myself. I blew up at my hubby yesterday over nothing and everything. The battle I rage against is mine and mine alone. I create the walls, the monsters, the self-hatred. THIS IS how my ANXIETY manifests itself. I begin to doubt everything that I am doing. I OVERTHINK the smallest of details. I have a difficult time remembering my worth. I feel like people can see the tears in my fabric, that like a prop I am not real.

I feel the rut of sadness fast approaching. I feel uneasy. I just want to have the strength to stay the course, putt through to the next hole. I head back to work, my regular routines in a few days. I know I will be able to do this. I just need to find a way to be honest when I am feeling overwhelmed. As my kid sister would say, “You are not lost. You just haven’t been this way before. All roads lead somewhere. You’ll figure it out.”

For her I will keep on until I figure it out and I am not lost anymore.