Craptastic

Sunday September 20,2020…Odd date, right? Having nightmares in the wee small hours of this morning. I am not alone in my dreams. I sense you (my self loathing self) just out of reach. I know you are watching me as I try to work out the frustrations that keep me tossing and turning. I don’t always want to do the right thing. Sometimes I do not want friends or a husband or a place to live. I want to be free of everything that holds a person to the earth. The darkness I try hard not to entertain. Today it has the upper hand. I am not in a good mood.

Some youthful asshats chose the end of my driveway for their own private idea of a good time, no surprise they woke me up. How surprised they were when I yelled at them as I shone a flashlight into their car. “How stupid!” I seethed to myself when they asked to borrow said flashlight so they could locate a dropped shoe? I could have been armed with more than a light. I could have called the police. I could have done a lot of things. They drove away. Damage done. I was angry, wide awake and in the depths of a pit of darkness.

I ate my anger. It seems that old trick still doesn’t work but I thought I’d give it the old college try anyway. My anger hasn’t gone away so I guess the only way to get to a better place is to get moving to a better place. I have learned that when I pay attention to how I am feeling I can usually save myself the pity party. I wasted today. I could have made better choices with my food, with my energies, with all most every aspect of today. I want a Mulligan. In reality tomorrow is Monday, no Mulligan for me.

And So It Begins…

Over the course of last week(June 8th) the job called and summoned the hubster back to work. Joy and anxiety, two emotions that should not be holding hands, and yet…

The hubster and I work for the same company. We have two very different types of jobs.  While we occasionally see each other at work more often than not we do not see each other until the end of our day. I did not get a call back. At this moment my skill set is not needed. I know how anxious I am feeling being home alone; I can only imagine how he is doing right now at work without me. And so it begins…

I have missed the faces of my family, my friends, my co workers{sigh}. We are all bound by the rules of the Governor of Massachusetts to wear masks while in public spaces. Until further notice, while I am allowed to “see” my family, my friends, my co workers it has to be from a distance under the cover of a mask. This alone makes my soul heavy. My parents did their best to raise me to be kind, to be strong, to be open minded, to love with an open heart. I feel like all of those good qualities have been put through the ultimate test. I have chosen to let some friends quietly leave my circle. Why? their wheel house, too many wheels. I want what is best for them. I chose what makes my mental health better. I just don’t want to deal…Some times you can love someone for ALL the wrong reasons. You have to be strong and wise enough to set them free, to set yourself free.

I started writing this blog because I needed someone to talk to because the voices (my thoughts, not pyschosis) in my head were too loud, too negative, and were void of love. My anxiety and negative vibes so strong I couldn’t hear myself think. Writing what is on my mind helps My voice( the things that I really am, what I believe in) to be strong and loud. When my insecurities get too weird for me to manage writing helps me to filter out the menusha.

I have now been back to work for almost eight weeks. I don’t feel I am any safer or unsafer than before. I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Remember when you went through life everyday NOT worried you were going to end up a pandemic statistic? Me either. I am tired of watching the talking heads come to no good solutions. People are making me afraid of my own shadow. Remember when reckless behavior was sleeping around? hanging out with sketchy friends? smoking things? drinking? Now it is all about spoiled people thinking their rights are being infringed upon. Misplaced, dangerous anger never once fixed ONE SINGLE ISSUE! I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Every thing in the world is screaming to a halt. If we promise we have learned a lesson and we will try to behave, can we be let out of timeout?

 

 

Do I LOVE You Enough?

When I ask someone in my life that question I always get the odd look. But? Do I? Do I love you enough? Why do I ask? I get caught up in myself. I can be very selfish and petty. Being the drama queen that I know I am, I can react way over the top about things.  I just want to make sure that I haven’t pushed you away. So I guess it is my way of checking that you are okay. That our relationship is okay. Because I do love you very much and some times I am such an ass.

I woke from a fitful sleep. Today is my birthday. I dreamt all night about loss in my life. I was not sure you were in bed. I rolled over. I could feel you beside me but I couldn’t hear you, fucking air conditioning. Today is our day off from work for the Fourth of July; I was going to sleep in but I just can’t… I woke up feeling out of sorts. I just needed to hear your soft snore but I am greeted with silence. I step into my slippers and trudge to the alarm clock, shutting it off before I forget. I make my way to the bathroom. Ninja cat is outside our bedroom lying on the cool tile floor trying to catch a breeze from the air conditioner running in our room.

I sit in the bathroom talking myself down from a night of bad dreams. Love does not keep you from loss. I could not have loved my parents or my sister any more than I do or any more than I ever did. Loss comes to us all eventually. When I finish in the bathroom I do not return to bed. I still need a few minutes. I know you are sleeping but my heart is racing from anxiety. I force myself to fulfill my morning routine. Feed and water the cat, put on the coffee, back to the bedroom to take my morning vitamins and allergy pill. I decide not to go back to bed and lay down, as I try to walk by the end of the bed I falter and brush against your feet. I startle you awake. I am sorry and relieved at the same time.

I love you . I love you more than I let you know. I have become the person I am because you never give up on me. You are always by my side. You believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You a little quirky but, really? who am I? The best thing I ever did for myself was to believe that I was worth someone’s love. Will you be my love? We at this moment are growing old with each other and I for one love that.

One day there will be loss but for today I want to celebrate LIFE. This pandemic has really taken so much from people. I am so thankful I made it to my next birthday so many haven’t.  Love the people in your life. Be BOLD, be PRESENT, be giving and forgiving. The best  gift you ever have is LOVE. It is the only gift that gets stronger every time you share it. Thank you for being

a part of my life. Much Love.

A Funny Thing Happened

on my way to writing this post today. I had an idea in my old lady mind and then just like that…oh! it’s a butterfly. What? What did I want to wax on about? I actually got distracted by eye pain. My eye was OMG why was it hurting so bad? Have I been secretly poked by a mad chicken? What the hell is going on!?

I went out for a walk yesterday through Notre Dame Cemetery in Worcester MA for a little history, some fresh air, some outdoor beauty, a few laughs with my walking partner; I forgot my allergy pill…maybe that’s why my eye is bothering me. By the time I got home from my walk I was hot, itchy, and wheezing. Dude! Never forget an allergy pill! It feels like living through the Seven Hells ! and oh yeah, we are still trying to navigate this fk’n virus, live life, stay safe, be happy. This is the song that doesn’t end…

So I got up today to sing a song for another day. I remembered to take my allergy pill this morning, I attended my ZOOM meeting for my virtual WWs meeting. I had a good BFast and I went for an awesome walk today to repeat the joy of yesterday. Only today’s target was Hope Cemetery and St. John’s. Today was cooler and the sky more brilliant than yesterday. I felt none of the seasonal allergy woes from the other day. So for another day my fears of the virus have taken a back burner in my tunnel of anxiety. Phew.

I had a lovely afternoon but my eye was still twerking…wth? Hubby and I own a Maine Coon named Pepper. She is 15. I love/hate her. She is a sweet, beautiful, evil, vengeful queen with sharp claws who is part assassin. Maine Coons do not shed hair/fur. Their fur is ultra soft and long. When she looses hair it looks like little tumbleweeds. They actually roll across my hardwood floors. My cat has this weird need to tuck me into bed. She likes to lie on my chest with her butt facing me (no respect, right?). I found out this is actually a huge show of love. She lies like this to protect me. She makes biscuits as she purrs (like I can’t hear the music) until I fall asleep.

After my walk this afternoon my eye issue was really making nervous. I have an eye appointment this week but I wasn’t looking forward to maybe having to be seen on an emergency. I got my old lady magnifying glass and looked at my eye in the bathroom mirror. Maybe an eyelash? Mine are long. I have had a stray lash once or twice before. Are you ready? Somehow? one of her tail hairs got into my eye. I somehow managed to catch the tip between my fingernails and slowly pull it out of my eye. WOW! YES! I am okay. My eye is no longer puffy. The pain gone. That DARN Cat!

 

Untitled Four Days Ago…

Gotta love WordPress for the motivation. This post was really not untitled, it was abandoned. I stepped away from it because I was starting to crawl into that dark spot in my mind that always gets me into trouble and causes me to dwell too long on things that are irrelevant but that my anxiety princess likes to hold onto.true You know what I am talking about, yes, you do. I am good enough? Can I do this? Why is everything in such turmoil? Like being on a carousel that has gone hay wire. Except, I am the one who controls this ride. ME not the media, not the virus, not the fear…me. 

Okay, so maybe the virus isn’t helpful. ( I mean really, enough already, sigh) but this is what we are dealing with right now. I am safe. I am loved. I am needed. I AM ENOUGH. Tough times often define people. Thins out a crowd and let’s those strong enough to stand up to be seen. I wasn’t always strong. I picked it up along the way on my journey.  A girl can only cry so much either stay lost or find your way to something… Yes, I know that to some of you I seem larger than life, that people see me. It is only because I make them see. I was invisible for a long long time. In my youth I sort of skirted the outer parameters of life. People knew I was around but very few cared what was on the other side of the fence. Or at least that’s the way I always felt; until I felt love. Not parental love but love of friends, my husband, of people in and around my life. The people I have met at WWS,  people I have met at hockey, people I have met because I am bold enough to sing in public for absolutely NO REASON, people who needed other people to see them…

I see you. I see you’re anxious. We are all worried. Life can be so full of conflict. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that life is also filled with light, love, laughs. I hope that we are able to return to our most frequented paths soon. Being brave for me means refusing to give into fear, to stand up and find my way. I am often afraid and uncertain about what is coming up next in the queue of life but I am also determined to see what is next. You are never alone as long as I’m somewhere nearby =)

Much love and positive vibes until we cross paths again.