Category: angst

In My Own Little Corner…

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In my own little chair… Rodgers and Hammerstein

I’m as mild and as meek as a mouse
When I hear a command I obey.
But I know of a spot in my house
Where no one can stand in my way.

In my own little corner in my own little chair
I can be whatever I want to be.
On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere
And the world will open its arms to me. https://youtu.be/zLzWe2FXMIA

I am a child of the 60s & 70s. There was no internet or shopping on Sunday, no cellphones, and color television was in its youth. Disney was a family event on Sunday nights on NBC (the peacock network) and we watched all of the magic as a family. I first saw Cinderella sometime in the early 70s, not animated but with the most beautiful people a five- or six-year-old girl could ever imagine were real. Our family did not own a color television until the late 70s. As I remember it was not a new purchase but a cast off from a relative who could afford to buy a newer model. The colors on our secondhand TV were skewed a little? People should not be orange hued. Stereo sound was not an option until the 80s, yet I thought our secondhand TV was the most magical gift. Remote control channel changing was not a bonus on this set so one of us (the children, of course) always had to be on the ready for a channel change, which meant dashing across the room to spin the dial. I never wanted this job, as I might miss something of importance in a commercial or the opening scene of a show.

I was smitten (still am) with this adaptation of Cinderella. The actress (Lesley Ann Warren) who played Cinderella was in my young eyes so beautiful, so timid, so brave, so many things I tried to manage my feelings for. I really believed she was in that kitchen by the hearth dreaming of a better place, a happier place, a place where she was not afraid, where she could be anything she dreamed she could be.

Where is the wonder that I once knew? The reality of being an adult is that we lose our ability to see the world as we once did. I am at that point in my own life where all of my “heroes” are leaving this plane of existence. Lisa Loring, Cindy Williams, Olivia Newton-John, Irena Cara, Robbie Coltrane, Kirstie Allie, Sidney Poitier. For the record, Lesley Ann Warren is alive, and hopefully is doing well. In my heart of hearts she will always be my favorite Cinderella although Brandy comes in a very close second place.

To all of the people who have sat in their own little chair dreaming of better versions of themselves or that which surrounds you. I see you. I hear you. We are all capable of being more than we accept. You are ENOUGH. You are LOVED. You are beautiful. You are a wonder! You are everything to those that you love. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

We are the music makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
    On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
    Of the world for ever, it seems.[2]

— Stanza 1 from Ode by Arthur O’ Shaughnessy 1873 borrowed by Roald Dahl for inclusion in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Rolling Stone

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Sisyphus lives

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

…Happily Ever AFTER

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After what? Hmm? Really, why do we have to wait for after? What if after never comes? I will be happy now in the present not AFTER : I own my own home, or get the best job, or wait until the debts are paid down. Happily ever after is an old timey way of feeling good about living through a rough patch, being greeted with fresh hope for the better tomorrows that may never come. Screw that.

We met at hockey. She was part of the staff of security guards at our local arena/convention center/concert venue. We hit it off. We have had some good belly laughs over the years. We have gossiped, chatted, compared war wounds, and held our heads as high up as we could manage when one of us got our wings clipped ( life decides to throw a curve ball ). She is the one I walk with whenever we both manage some time away from commitments, chores and other miscellaneous happenings.

She has always been the shoulder I seek to lean on when I need to lean. She never tells me to get over myself, or stop being a baby, or “grow up” she listens. She hears me. I hope she feels the same way about me. I try to be her sounding board when she wants to vent, “no strings attached”, no judgements thrown or made. She is indeed a rare find. Her and her hubby have not had the best of it lately. There have been too many doctor/hospital visits in the recent months. Yet, she still manages to be as open, upbeat, and well, her. Everyone takes a beating from life. You just can’t let it beat you in the race. Show up, participate, be your best self. She has taught me so much. Don’t just listen but hear what is said. Take in all of the beauty around you. She is the best kind of friend, in being herself I have become a better person.

I wonder if you realize how brave you are? how strong? how wise? Your life path is headed in a new direction. I will not leave you because that life path has become difficult. It just means that some days I will lead. All you have to do is call… I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved.

Unfettered

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Every Sunday I make my way to Shrewsbury to go to my WWs meeting. I buy myself a coffee, as a sort of enticement for a job well done or at least attempted, from my local Starbucks. More than once I have pinched, swiped, taken or asked if I could have a painted rock from the drive-thru window. I assure you it is okay. The rocks are left there in loving tribute to Zoe Wolfus, a Shrewsbury teen who died by suicide.

I never had the pleasure of knowing this wonderful human. Being a local to this area I have seen the write up for her from the obituary. I have read tributes to her on Facebook. I just wanted to say thank you to the Universe in hopes that somewhere she will feel that little spark of joy on a Sunday which makes all the difference and I am sure not just to me. Her friends and family paint the rocks as a way to pay her life forward. She wanted the world to be a better place.

Any time we choose kindness the world IS a better place. If you or a loved one needs help, ask for it. Someone is always willing to listen. Love is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Trust the people in your life to be there for you. As people we often go to extreme measures to save the littlest of creatures but we are fearful to ask for help for ourselves.

You are enough. You are loved. Believe in your beauty.

You Are Stronger Than You Know.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

The Tale of the Kiss and the Slap

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Or why the pain of rejection lingers. If a magical being flew into your life blessed one palm of a hand with a kiss and the other with a sharp slap which would you remember longer? Most might say the kiss because it was innocent, sweet and well, magical while the other was rude, disruptive and hurtful. Which one? It’s easy…the one that hurt. Pain whether it is physical or emotional tends to linger. We try to figure out what we did to deserve it or we waste energies trying to absolve ourselves. If you are an overthinker, like me, you turn over every minute, dissecting every detail. I have to tell myself to stop obsessing. When I was young and experiencing life on my own without the safety net of family, I did not know how to make friends. It is a skill set that, let’s be honest, we work at our whole lives. If you are blessed to have one close friend in your adult life, that you are not romantically involved with, congratulations! You have won the lottery! Sometimes relationships just stop working. We all enter into relationships because there is something there we are drawn toward. We need (OMG I SAID THE NEED WORD) to feel like a part of a larger picture or there is something we want that we might never have experienced before, or there is a beauty there we fall head over heels for. (THE KISS)

Why do relationships break down? BOREDOM? infidelity, having different life goals, age, maturity ? Yes, all of those things. I am saddened to say that sometimes there are other darker reasons : abuse, neglect, alcohol or drugs, betrayal. (THE SLAP) The relationship must end for the health of all involved. Some are successful with the breakdown while others spiral out of control. I use breakdown because no one feels up after a relationship ends. Well, I never do anyway. I used to be the one to spiral, not anymore. I know what I am worth. I want more for myself than what I used to settle for.

I am also not the same person I was before life slapped me around, lol. I am enough. I am a good person with a big heart. As I sit here writing this I realize that Once Upon A Time that wasn’t true, I was not a good person. I hated myself and things I wasn’t a part of. I carried around anger, hurt, disappointment … like they were accessories for my wardrobe. Often I was rude to people, disagreeable, because I was so unhappy with who I thought I should be instead of just being who I am. My younger sister taught me to see the vulnerability of life. If you look at something hard enough you learn to appreciate the work that went into making it a piece of art. My Dad thought the best of everyone he met, a rare quality. My husband was brave enough to scale my “wall of scorn” to learn who I was. I love him. He loves me. Our life together is no one else’s business. Have your opinions, I live my life. I love my life. I have learned to be a better person because of the people in and around my life.

Everyone who lives has regrets. I have few regrets. I love with my whole being. I am human, sometimes I am a queen sized ass hat. I try to own it all, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. I offer apology when it is offered in return. There have been people in my life who chose to be passive/ aggressive instead of working through a rough patch. I get it. Avoidance means that a person does not have to accept their roll in the souring of a friendship. It makes it easier to sell “the innocent victim roll” to everyone. I have been there and done that. It is an empty feeling because somewhere in middle of all that anger is the truth. Walking away takes strength. It is ok to be sad when you have a loss. Rest a bit, take stock in who you are, where you want to be and then go live your life. Go after whatever sparks JOY for you. GO after it. What ever that IT is.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Hello Darkness,

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my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again… Only this time I am the one pulling the strings, not the other way around. There is something going on in the background of my existence. I have been “not feeling well” lately. This whole be in your moments. Be happy in your life. Be grateful. I am trying to be content and adjusted but I am still struggling with the demons of to have or not to have. “it is only a cookie”, “a little bite”, “just this once”, but some times the landslide comes. I tumble down the side of my best intentions. I can feel myself slowly climb back onto the beast of self loathing because I want to give up. NOT TODAY !!! I DO NOT GIVE UP! Instead I choose me, my happiness, my life, my path.

I cannot entertain the silly notions I let loop in my mind. Yes, I am tired; I know I have less miles to go before I can safely exhale and take stock in all that I have accomplished. Today I will pick up my path where I laid my burdens down. Thankful in the journey and all I have learned about myself so far. Fake it until you make it , right ?!?

Why does change hurt so much? yet other times it is like a long awaited sigh of relief? I am unwilling to allow my worst self to take control of my well being. My life, and my perspective in my life has changed. There are days when I am in a constant battle over the joy a memory brings me and the anguish of trying new things. The problem with memories lies in the fact that emotion is what keeps us tied DOWN to them. We as humans try to hold onto happiness by recreating a favorite memory even if it is NOT A GOOD IDEA! Over the last few short years I went from being someone’s bestie to their DEAR friend. AM I happy for her but sad, angry and a little/lot hurt? YES…BUT!!! Our lives have changed. Her unique friendship skills are needed elsewhere. Her children are now mostly grown. I am no longer needed in the ways I once was. There is new found freedom for us both. Truth is; her new bestie needs her more.

She has no trouble finding new friends or new besties. I am not good at making new friends. I do poorly with the small things; sending cards, buying trinkets, remembering tiny details. I love with my heart and soul. I try to make you feel how much you mean to me in our moments. I will do most anything you ask. Movies? Let’s go! Lunch with your IN laws? Sure! Babysit a cat/dog or your house, drop everything to pick up that package from your stoop? Me, that’s all things I am, all the things I do, because YOU have value to me as a person and you are my friend. It hurts to be relegated to a new category. I feel uncomfortable in my new roll. Things I once would have easily shared I now keep to myself. I have found other people to hang out with. I enjoy my new friends but I miss what I once was a part of. I no longer chase anyone for their time. The other thing about change, no matter how badly you want something to be what it once was it can’t ever be. It just doesn’t work that way. The ultimate plan of the Universe? I don’t really know. I do know that there is no such thing as time travel. lol. Time has come for me to stand alone, to find new…?

I didn’t want to like you when we first met. I didn’t think my friend needed someone in his life with a premade family. Of course, I was wrong. I learned to love you. You are smart, beautiful, adventurous, caring, and so many things I admire. I used to joke that I would keep you over him. Funny, how time changes things. There is a season for everything in life, right? ETHFAR

But…we didn’t get to say good bye. WE just stopped trying to be friends.

I had major surgery in May. I am mostly fine but I am now realizing how mentally unprepared I was. I am a woman of a certain age and so menopause? will some day be in my future. I have a female reproductive illness and I had a shitty thyroid so my body is writing its own version of “when I am damned good and ready!” Seriously body stop being such a bitch. Hallelujah! for no hot flashes or sweats but MAJOR BOO for the tears over nothing, the sadness about my aging, the waves of anger I have never felt before, and my scar that I can not unsee! Anger and I have had an off again on again relationship for years so I foolishly thought I could handle these waves of emotion that sometimes feels soul encompassing. WRONG. I am not OKAY! Will I be OKAY? The answer is yes, in time. Right now I am happy treading water. I have done something with my health that I have always been unable to do before. I am making amazing choices for myself so my health gets better every day. I am proud of myself for finally choosing my well being.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS, inquire within

I love to go to museums. I have a huge interest in clothing from bygone eras. I love the theater. I love a good musical. I sing, no joking; all the time. I am no longer apologizing; it brings me joy and peace{kind of like Christmas but without the meaningless gift giving}. I love to adventure : walk trails, hike, shop, sail, browse a good sidewalk sale, drink great coffee, try a new hot spot. I love books, libraries and other centers of knowledge. I compliment complete strangers because being nice matters. I enjoy being amongst people I have things in common with. If any of this appeals to you LMK, K? we could so totally hang out. Who knows we could even end up BFFS? There is a position open = )

DISCLAIMER Some content is meant to be “tongue in cheek” no offense meant.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

LOST

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I am out too far. I cannot safely return to the shore. I have many more strokes to execute before I reach the other side. Dark thoughts haunt me as I tread water just managing to keep my head above the swirling darkness. I have come this way many times before. I never manage to make it to the other side…

Have you ever wanted to freeze your perfect moment in time? One of my favorite movie special effects happens with time freeze. All of the action is frozen except for the principle player and maybe one or two other key role players, a theatrical aside. Brilliant; until that is how you feel your life is unfolding. I plod along. I feel like I am finally gaining an understanding into why I rely on food so heavily to keep me happy and then I have an aside. I have been on program this time around for almost two years! I have been doing well. I know what I want. I know I can I break that tape across the finish line, and then I have an aside. I pause the action so I can freeze all the good things that I am doing with my life… so I can have an aside and misbehave.

WHY? wHy! whY?!?

It is late at night and in this moment I am LOST. I am surrounded by people I love who love me and yet I feel singular, alone, one. I feel abandoned, cast away to fend for myself. I blew up at my hubby yesterday over nothing and everything. The battle I rage against is mine and mine alone. I create the walls, the monsters, the self-hatred. THIS IS how my ANXIETY manifests itself. I begin to doubt everything that I am doing. I OVERTHINK the smallest of details. I have a difficult time remembering my worth. I feel like people can see the tears in my fabric, that like a prop I am not real.

I feel the rut of sadness fast approaching. I feel uneasy. I just want to have the strength to stay the course, putt through to the next hole. I head back to work, my regular routines in a few days. I know I will be able to do this. I just need to find a way to be honest when I am feeling overwhelmed. As my kid sister would say, “You are not lost. You just haven’t been this way before. All roads lead somewhere. You’ll figure it out.”

For her I will keep on until I figure it out and I am not lost anymore.

Owning It

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For the first time in my life Cinco de Mayo will have a whole new twisted significance. I will be in a local hospital in my city having major surgery during a pandemic. NO BIG DEAL…Who am I really? June 9th 2019 I accepted a healthier life challenge. I was planning a trip of a lifetime, with my friend Jadira, to Walt Disney World and to Universal Studios to see all things Potter. I was once again at a weight tipping point. Too fat to ride rides, too fat to fly without a seat belt extender, too fat in my own skin to feel healthy. I wanted to GO and let loose and feel real, feel like a kid again, to love myself and to accept myself for the beauty that is mine and uniquely my own. We went to Disney and to Universal February 2020 before the World fell sick. I flew without needing a seat belt extender. I HAD the TIME of my life! I accepted that challenge to get back to living and I ran with it. I believed I could. I do it every single day. I choose my path .

I have been living my life with every new day given. I carefully make better choices for myself where health, both physical and mental are my top self care priorities. My body is leaner. I feel better than I have for a very long time. It is a wonderful feeling to look in the mirror and feel a sense of accomplishment. I see a beauty there I thought I had killed.

My primary care physician would like to see me tip the scales at 165lbs. At my last weigh-in I was hovering around 184 LBS! A true fucking miracle! A weight I have not seen in 15 years. I show up every day to work on myself to become the best version of myself over and over because tomorrow will be better, I will be better. I am nervous about my surgery. I am afraid I will never be able to sing again. I worry my mental health will take a hit. I am afraid that ONCE AGAIN I will walk away from my best success because of the fear I am having a hard time managing and get FAT to the point of unhealthy…BUT…I will fight on. I will not give into my fear. I will reach out when I am in need. WHY? you might ask, because I GOT THIS. I am owning it.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

I Believe I Can…

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WWs has decided to end the virtual Sunday morning meeting I attend. I am not happy about their shortsightedness. I have wanted to leave the WWs for sometime now, thanks for the assist corporate overlords. I have never been a fan of large meetings. I enjoy a smaller assemblance of people who are struggling with the same issues that I am. Smaller meeting sizes ensure that every voice has a better chance to be heard. Every participant feels included, valued, really seen. I feel like we became framily. I have made many friends over the years from my meetings. The corporate overlords have once again made the mistake of thinking that they know what I need better than I do.

The time has come for me to leave the nest. All these years I have been preening when I could have been flying. If this pandemic has taught me anything it is that I am stronger than I knew. I can lose weight. I am able to stick to a regimen of better food choices. I am capable of great things. It is all in my mindset. Negative thoughts and actions bring more negativity to a life. Positive thoughts and actions bring positive things. Life is about balance. Have I grown up? LOL! I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I am determined to see myself succeed. I am worth all of my best efforts. Today may very well be the last meeting I attend. The internet is full of FREE apps to track food intake, exercise, mental well being. I have taken steps to make my life better. I let go of some toxic people and toxic feelings I was holding onto. Maybe WWs is becoming toxic for me. The time to take a chance on myself has come.

I stayed at WWs all these years because I was afraid to fly. I didn’t trust my journey. I have confidence in my own power. I am not afraid. Let the journey take flight on a new path.

I GOT THIS

Fortune Cookie Wisdom?

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Put out into the World that which serves you best. My way of saying,” be kind and see kindness returned, show love and understanding, be loved and understood. Put your best efforts forward, be rewarded with a job well done. I have not blogged for awhile. It is hard some days keeping my happy/healthy mindset in check. Let’s face it, most days the only thing people are thinking about is when will COVID finish running its course. Will we be okay? Will I be the next person to get sick?

It is increasingly more difficult to stay positive, to be happy, to be hopeful especially when the people in your life, people who mean everything to you are distressed. This weekend hubby and I raked our leaves, a chore I admit that I loathe and yet it felt like a day in the land of normal. The air brisk, the sky bright, the mood awesome. It felt AMAZING. We even managed to go out and buy a chest freezer without having to wait until our “item” would be back in stock. An all around stellar day. AND… then there was Sunday, {{{sigh}}}

My Sunday mornings have been the same routine since March. I get to wake up without an alarm (best feeling) I trudge out to the kitchen, start the coffee, gather laundry. I have a standing 8:30 am ZOOM meeting with fellow WWs many of whom I have become quite friendly with. I like to think of our group as a beautiful oasis in the midst in the Desert of Menusha. This lovely group of people boost my happiness quotient each week and I really miss someone when they don’t show up.

My usual Sunday started out well enough. Coffee was made, laundry was started, I was working on my bill pay and grocery list. I was making a second pot of Joe so I could sit and enjoy my meeting when the noises or lack of noises caught my attention. There is something to be said about an old fashioned wash tub and board. They never broke down UNLESS the operator did. My wash machine was doing its own version of “the Electric Slide”. Hubby and I bought a new washing machine shortly after we moved into our first home in 2012. I am grateful that she waited until deep quarantine version 1.0 was over before she decided to take one last spin. I am grateful that we will have a new machine before deep quarantine version 2.0 begins. Her breakdown took me away from my WWs, my thoughts, my friends, my enjoyment. Well , not entirely but I was distracted because of it.

My laundry is in limbo but only until tomorrow afternoon = ) I managed to finish my bill pay, go grocery shopping, do dishes, enjoy being. My day got a little sidetracked but it still ended up better than I thought it might.

UPDATE: 11/19/2020

I am happy to report that I really love my new machine. I have never been so excited to do laundry before. LOL

11/28/2020 UPDATE…to the update: I somehow forgot? was distracted? dunno? missed posting this. So now that it is time for another blog post I am marrying my “now” thoughts to my “then” thoughts of 11/15/2020 so bare with me and try to stay along side whilst I take a run at this, Okay?

Earlier I was chatting about my friends from WWs. How important they are to me and how I often hope that in some small way I mean something to them. Never underestimate your power. What you represent/give/are to someone else when you are not aware can and does have the most awesome sparkle. On this trip around the sun I decided to be more of who I really am and less of what I think people want from me and you know what? I am happy. I enjoy people more. I want to see what the next day and the day after that brings.

I always wanted to be heard. I got so busy shouting, “HEY! What about me? look at me!” that I forgot how to listen. Listen to myself, to wait and listen to others, to hear what the people in my life are really asking for, to understand that they needed me to just BE there to be. I have never been able to keep still, to be calm, quiet, to just BE. I struggle to relax. I am better at it but just. I have my days. I try everyday to slow my roll, to listen to what I need, what you need, what is needed before I act. Who knew inner peace was such a workout?

Listening is a life skill that I am apparently going to spend the rest of my life learning to manage. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be. I’m not.