I swear sometimes I can hear the granola whispering in the cupboard. I am an impulse snack buyer/try-er(which left unwatched becomes a dangerous game of cat and mouse) I write out a shopping list every week. Mine has all the usual and customary items: coffee, milk, yogurt,cookies,(can’t blame a girl for hoping) you know things you need; toilet paper, toothpaste, laundry soap,cookies, fruit, veggies, etc. I make a list before I leave to cut down on my cruise controlling while I am in the store. I look through weekly flyers for the grocery stores I am partial to going to. I try to set myself up to succeed in my efforts so that when I stroll through the doors in the early morning hours of Saturday to get weighed in I will feel confident knowing that I did my damned best to be a success.
Sometimes I swear the granola is whispering in the cupboard to the peanut butter about starting a revolt. I stopped buying smooth PB because he tempted me too much. Now I am dating his cousin PB2. He 2 is smooth but quieter and I am in a much better relationship with him than I ever was with his cousin. Amen for the quiet guys{wink}!
I was just thinking, ” you know it’s too bad someone couldn’t invent powdered chocolate…” and of course, dumbass! cocoa is powdered CHOCOLATE. I swear the granola is plotting, either that or I am sleep(cookie)deprived. It is way past my bedtime. Note to self: in the morning send the granola packing, things are not working out between us and the time has come for us to meet others who are healthier for our well being. Its been real but you have to go now.
Someone should have warned me to keep my hands inside the ride! You are at an amusement park. You have been waiting in line for over an hour to ride the “NEXT GREATEST RIDE” in all of the world. An attendant takes your ticket, you alight to your seat, someone comes along to make sure you are seated in an upright secure position, and just before that cutsie attendant flips the switch to START they throw out the legal and customary jargon “you are about to embark on a dangerous ride, blah, blah, blah, please keep hands and feet inside the ride at all times.” Well nobody warned me about this roller coaster!
In January I had an episode of irregular heart beats. I have been to a cardiologist. I was extremely relieved when the doctor told me my heart is fine! Yes, happy me ( I am jumping up and down, you just can’t see me). Seems it’s Mother Nature’s way of telling me, “Our fun together is not over. We are racing toward a new path called, MENOPAUSE! Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. You may experience turbulence and other strange and maniacal changes. Really? I finally make it to middle age and she wants to pick a fight with me?
Things have been going along quite well. Now when I feel my heart doing it impression of flight of the bumblee
I simply take a few deep breaths and calmly talk myself down from the rising panic I feel. Soon my rhythm returns to its norm and all is well in my world, until this Wednesday. I had Tuesday and Wednesday off from work, lovingly paid for with my vacation time. What should have been a joyous few days off turned into a roller coaster ride I was ill prepared for. Amazing to me how sometimes Life just balls up her fists and wants to challenge you to a duel. I am learning to be calm while I am trapped (with supplies, cable and heat) in the house. I was almost happy to spend Tuesday indoors during the storm. I avoided watching the news and I found ways (chores) to keep myself busy. I will not bore you with the details of the shovel fest that took place as I am sure many of you reading this took part in your own version. Hubby and I got up fairly early on Wednesday morning with big plans of hanging out together, getting things done and enjoying each other {wink, wink} but I woke up feeling off. Maybe I was getting my Spring cold?
I shrugged it off. There was much coffee (half-café because it is better for your heart) drinking in the morning. I was getting the laundry sorted, picking up around the house, playing video games…I never ate breakfast, 1st BIG MISTAKE. Coffee, even when it is powered down, is not good on an empty stomach. Hubby and I headed out for a light lunch. I did eat most of my lunch but as I was not feeling well I really only picked at my food. My hubby knew I wasn’t feeling well. I knew he knew because when something doesn’t work for me I will tell you every five minutes or so just in case I might not have mentioned in the last hour. Bad habit, all mine!!! sorry, not sorry; this is how my worry manifests itself.
One might think that I am wise beyond my years but that is a lie. I am strong-willed. Surprised? NO? I didn’t think so. I wasn’t going to let my illness get in my way. I informed my hubby I was off to see a man about a new set of tires for our Jeep. I dropped my dear one off at the house and went along my merry way to another venture. I should have just stayed home, 2nd BIG MISTAKE. Things were going along swimmingly at the tire store but my discomfort was growing. I was getting antsy pants sitting in the waiting area and the feeling I had been trying to ignore all day about being off was suddenly knocking at my chest. I asked to use the restroom. I barely made it through the door. Why is my vision fading out? my ears are ringing? Oh boy I feel so queasy. I somehow managed to lock the door behind me and sit down(hard) on the toilet seat. I stripped off my winter coat and in the process tore my hoodie and t-shirt off with it at the same time! Great! Now I am sitting in a public restroom(yikes! and yuck!) in my bra and jeans fighting to stay conscious! In case no one has ever told you, adrenaline is awesome!!! in small doses!
I am in full panic mode. Somehow I manage to text hubby that am I very sick and that I am in the bathroom at the tire store. I was so scared. Imagine this. If I pass out, someone will break down the door. I will be found sprawled on the floor wearing a bra and jeans. This terrifying thought helped me to focus on staying alert. My terror lasted fifteen L_O_N_G minutes. I have never come this close to fainting in public in the entirety of my life. My skin clammy, my breathing ragged, my vision fading, my ears ringing. After many cold paper towels on my face while chanting “do not pass out do not pass out” I could feel myself getting better. I sent hubby a text, redressed myself and got the hell out of Dodge as quickly as the tire tech guys could set me free.
I am fine! Low blood pressure with a side of low blood sugar, no Bueno! Taking care of yourself means learning to listen to what your body is telling you! Lesson learned!
like a tall glass of ice cold lavender lemonade on a scorching hot day. I think about my Saturday WWs meeting this way; a pause in an otherwise busy life. Once a week I weigh in, find my motivation and strength to face another challenge. Let’s face it life is hectic. Mine is filled with work, hobbies, hubby and various and sundry things I neither enjoy or want to participate in; but, adulting is about doing what’s right. Well, it is if you are trying to be a good adult = )
I have learned that my adventure in adulting is a whole lot easier when I am willing, when I am patient(toughest thing), when I ask questions and when I am honest with myself when I need help. I took a leap of faith in myself last February and walked back into a WWs meeting. I have been trying to go faithfully every week and I am proud to say I have missed only 3 or 4 meetings in over a year! There is more to my success though than meets the eye. I feel like it is time for me to sing the praises of the people I have met at my meeting. Here’s to the women who make my meeting fun, informative, inspirational, motivating, and well worth my time. I have come to know that I can lean on you for moral support when I am feeling low. You never tire of the questions I ask. And let’s face it you offer great advice.
This program would be nothing without your help. Amazing to me that each of you was once on my side of the scale. You overcame the obstacle of SELF. I draw inspiration from you whenever I feel myself sliding. I find myself asking, “What would Kathy do?” or “I want to write a blog post for Danielle!” I worry if Auntie Phyllis is not at my meeting. She may be the sweetest person I have ever met. Is she Okay? I like that Dixie laughs at my weirdness and sometimes gently reminds me to behave when my mischief needs to be managed. Everyone’s life story has its own path but for one hour a week in the early part of my Saturday you join me in my quest to a better self. I owe you a level of gratitude I can never repay. I look forward to our time together. You make me feel like I can accomplish whatever I work for.
Thank you for being the wonderful people that you are.
That moment: an event or a feeling that changes your life path. I have had a few moments in my time. That moment when I realized that I meant something wonderful to someone. That moment when you finally understand that you are OK just as you are. That moment when you decide that you are worthy of more than you have allowed yourself to believe. Moments make up your lifetime. We all have bad, uncomfortable moments but it is up to you what you do with them. Don’t let small mistakes become BIG problems. My moments have taught me many things. I am stronger than I thought. I am brave. I am capable. My moments have been valuable beyond measure.
Before I met him I thought I would always be alone. Before I married him I never knew how wonderful love was. Before I understood, I thought I was broken. Before I knew who I was I yearned for something more; now I am enough. Be in YOUR MOMENTS.
I have been on my current weight loss journey for a little over a year. I have been struggling lately but mostly in my head. I am scared that I don’t have what it takes to commit to always trying to make the best choices. I have been actively lying to myself during the month of February about how I can “do this on my own. I can quit WWs!” Really? Trish! How many times do you think you can strike your head on the cement without sustaining an injury? I have heard over and over from my WW leader that no one in their right mind after tripping over one stair picks themselves up and throws themselves down the rest of the staircase but I was willing to try and ALMOST did it!
I will not dwell on the recent misconduct during my private soirée (classy expression for pity party). I was behaving like a tired toddler in serious need of a nap. Tantrum is now over. It is okay to be afraid. Understanding where the fear comes from and working through those fears is new ground for me. There will be more mistakes I am sure but the one mistake I will not make is to stop what I am doing. I am just now starting to enjoy the healthier me. The girl with more energy and passion and willingness to be in the day.
Phase Two of my journey begins. This is the phase I have never ventured too far into before. I need to find an exercise program that I will like, that will grow with my needs. I need to be more aware of the good things that I do for myself. I need to make sure that I get enough water and oil into my daily routine. Code Dingo has been a tough experience for me lately. There is nothing worse than needing to GO, wanting to GO but the guests won’t leave. Whose fault is that? Mine, of course, because I haven’t been paying attention to what my body has been trying to tell me because I have been letting my demons “talk” too loudly in my quiet space. I have been distracted, even a little sad.
I was touched by the concern of a fellow WW. She gently reminded me that she cares about how I am doing. Sometimes you don’t know what you mean to someone else. Ask the questions! Show the concern. Trust me it is worth everything. A simple question can be the spark that lights the candle which shines down the path to a better way. Thank you for that spark ; )
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!!
Every child’s beach playset comes with the same equipment. A sand pail, a sieve, a spade, a rake, a watering can. Maybe there will be a few cutsie shapes to make molds with. My favorite thing in the world when I was a kid, playing in the sand on a beach. Sun on my back, the waves slapping the shoreline. I liked shifting the sand better than anything. I used to like to pretend I was sieving for gold. I miss the days when everything felt new and magical. It is true that youth is wasted on the young. I am just now beginning to understand how blessed I have been. I miss the innocence and wonder of youth, that nervous excitement about the unknown: the first crush of love, the first time a boy asks you out, the first kiss that follows…
I am just trying to figure out when my firsts? turned into my bucket list! Did it happen when my scales tipped more in favor of what has been left undone or have I come to learn that life is in the business of living instead of making plans to participate? Or is it truly an age thing? and is it more acceptable to say something is on your bucket list instead of owning up to a FIRST. There’s a first time for everything yet a bucket list item can be revisited as many times as warranted.
I find myself somewhere I have never been before yet it is not a first nor does it belong on a bucket list. I am comfortable. I have found my groove just like Stella. I have had glimpses of its beauty before but I felt unworthy to stay. I am enjoying being me. No flashing lights, no big signs, no sales pressure! Just me, the way I am! Come summer I will be hitting a beach, bringing my gear and sieving some sand. Who knows what kind of treasure I might find in the day!
Have I ever told you before that February is the LONGEST month of the year? Well, trust me, it is. February is the bottom of the barrel month for me. My ambition and energy are usually at an all time low. There is the slightest hint of Spring to the air but like a sealed box of jelly doughnuts it taunts me = ( I want to be able to come home from a day on the job, grab a quick snack and hit the great outdoors for a short walk around my block. Right now I am far too busy watching my walkway for ice patches so I don’t hurt my old lady bits.
Contrary to popular belief I do not bounce (unless my bra hookup goes awry)!Tonight I am supposed to be hitting a friend’s house to go to book club but I am worn out. I have decided to be kind to myself and stay home. I am going to turn the heat up in my house, wrap myself in a snuggly blankie and play online video games with my hubby = ) Sometimes even I forget to take care of my needs. I really need to sit, be quiet within my mind and listen to what my soul is telling me. Am I in a good place? Yes, I am. I am allowing myself to be at peace with who I am. I am enjoying my journey. I feel so much more alive. Even though I know happiness is fleeting and cannot be forced or saved; I might even take a risk and say that I am happy. I have given up worrying about whether or not happiness will last and instead I am enjoying its company while it is here.
Maybe wisdom really does come with age and life experience. Life is not about the destination but in the journey getting there.
Really? NOW? Spring you elusive imp, I needed you like two weeks ago. This winter season you have been teasing me with a string of mild days with absolutely the barest minimal amount of snow, and just like that, KaBOOM! you let Winter sink his teeth in. My bones are now beyond chilled. I was not looking forward to winter. The days are darker, colder, less friendly. I haven’t managed one really awesome adventure. I haven’t enjoyed one walk outside in the sunshine of an afternoon. Why? because everyone knows an afternoon in the winter lasts all of a ten minutes and is over before I get out of work. I get up in the dark, drive to work in the dark, drive home in the fading light of the day and end my day in the dark. I feel like a mole. Where’s my miner’s helmet?
I hate that I have to lug my HEAVY winter gear with me wherever I go. I was not looking forward to winter. Winter means me being less active. It was worse this year because I was experiencing some heart arrhythmias. I was taking it easy until I saw my doctor. I finally had my cardiologist appointment this week right before the storm. I have been given the green light to resume any and all activity I was participating in before my incident. I am pleased to tell you that my video game playing skills have not diminished one bit. I have seen the days start the climb into more daylight hours. I felt a surge of happiness. I was hoping to be able to start my Spring walking program early. Mother Nature really has a twisted sense of humor, doesn’t she? Bitch
I am over it now. Winter is grabbing at his last glory days before Spring. I made a promise to myself to make it to my goal. I don’t intend to let myself down. I may falter but I will never give up. I am not a quitter. Believe in the power of self.
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be, I’m not!
So it’s another Friday night, I am sitting in my office trying not to be distracted by the number of phone calls that are coming in to my landline (yes, I still have a landline) which are cold calls for crap that I will not buy or sign up for or be tricked into giving away info about myself or my sex habits or food preferences. Gone are “the good ole days” when my house phone would ring and there was an actual person on the other end of the line that I cared about. I only kept my landline for my Dad who was living with dementia. He lost many memories and was often very unsure about things around him but he KNEW my phone number. I was his lifeline from a better time. I kept that landline for him so he would always be able to find me. Sometimes life is about the small things that make us feel loved and safe.
I wish he could find me now. There are days in my life that I do not do well with: May 15, June 9, June 11, September 28, October 12, January 30, February 6. My list used to be shorter but as I lose people in my life I find it growing. Like the last flower in a field I find myself turning against the wind, trying to be brave. Where have all the flowers gone? Where are the bees? I need to feel the warm of the sun on my face. I want to be embraced by the love that was once mine to have that I often ignored or mistreated.
I am oddly emotional this evening. I am tired. I do not want to adult today. Today I wanted to spend time with my Dad in the worst way but he had other plans. I am sad because I MISS THEM. The people in your life are your greatest gift, they know all of your secrets good, bad and scary and they choose to love you anyway. Cherish them.
February 6th. It seems like an ordinary day and for most people I am sure it is. It is one of my toughest days to get through every year. Brenda was born on this day 1967. I write about her every year on her day. Love does not diminish just because the one you loved has gone, it simply becomes something quieter, something different. The tears that are rolling down my cheeks right now are a mix of sadness and joy; sad for the things we will never do together and joy for the acceptance and love she always gave me. Just because you have siblings does not guarantee you will enjoy them but I was lucky. She was my kid sister, my friend, my confidant, my partner in crime, mine.
She would have been 50 years old today. I can’t help but wonder if her beautiful red hair would be a slight shade of pink from the subtle grey hair I am sure she would be trying not to take ownership of. Would her beautiful face be wrinkled from time? Things I will never need to know the answers for.
The girl I grew up with was shy, timid almost. I swear she was born with a broken heart. She did not know her worth. As the saying goes,”you only accept the love you think you deserve.” So yes, you guessed it; her taste in men was HORRIBLE! We were both so young living life trying to find a path to our own happiness. Why didn’t I see she was hurting? Why didn’t I know enough to help her get away from those bad influences? Now, I have the experience of life behind me to understand but not then.
I freely admit when I think about my kid sister I always see her through rose colored glasses. That is the love I have for her. She wasn’t perfect. I am the one who put her on a pedestal. I am the one who tried to fix her brokenness. I am the one who didn’t see her truths because I didn’t want to look. She did some pretty shitty things to her life. I know now she was drowning, fighting to stay above water. She didn’t like herself. She never learned to forgive herself for her own shortcomings. She was convinced she wasn’t good enough. She spent her life trying to run away from herself instead of working her way TOWARDS something better. Once upon a time I was crying to her about my own struggles over my weight, my beauty, my self worth. I told her I would give anything to be like her because I thought she had everything. She sat very quietly listening to me and when she had enough of my pity party she said,” outer beauty is a prison. No one cares what I think or if I have a brain. They just look at me and make assumptions about my intelligence. They assign me a value. Men chase me like a prize to be won. I wish I were more like you; you have everything.”
Her words broke my heart but they made me see for the first time. We all struggle. We all have pain. I never got to tell her how much I loved her for all the things she was to me. She taught me so much about the power we all have but keep hidden in ourselves. After she died I came to learn from other people in her life just how much I meant to her. She admired me. I was her older sister and she was proud of me. ME!?! I am a better person because of our struggles together. Whenever I feel like I can’t go another step I try to remember that our journey together is not over just interrupted.
My favorite thing in the world when I was a kid, playing in the sand on a beach. Sun on my back, the waves slapping the shoreline. I liked shifting the sand better than anything. I used to like to pretend I was sieving for gold. I miss the days when everything felt new and magical. It is true that youth is wasted on the young. I am just now beginning to understand how blessed I have been. I miss the innocence and wonder of youth, that nervous excitement about the unknown: the first crush of love, the first time a boy asks you out, the first kiss that follows…
notsolargemarge 