Category: Ponderances

For questions I can’t seem to find the answers to.

Gnaw

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I love this word. If you are an over thinker, and I definitely am, this word is part of your everyday existence. Life is a balance beam routine that never ends. One has to learn early how to manage each aspect of daily living in order to have room for happiness and peace. Sounds contrite I know but it is my truth. I lie to myself about letting go of petty things or unhealthy emotions but often I let things fester or gnaw at me for what seems like an eternity.

I hate the saying “forgive and forget”. I CAN NOT do it. I know, I know I should be able to but I won’t allow myself. It is one of my biggest faults. If someone hurts me on a personal level I would rather be free of them then ever try to mend a fence. Having said that I also should tell you that I will relive “the last moment” we shared over and over a million times trying to figure out what I? could have done differently or better or nicer. Lately though I have come to a new thought, WHY? JUST WHY? Do I need to feel inadequate? inferior? was I in this relationship alone? was it already dying when we parted ways? I will no longer be chasing people. END OF STORY.

I can not change the way I feel about things unless I want it. The last thing I need is someone who acts like it is their job to change me. I have enough on my plate already. I am odd. I am wonderful. I am giving. I love to laugh and be silly. I have many wonderful qualities that I often shutter down because people I associate with do not “like” when I am me. I am slowly removing those persons from my vicinity.

Can we talk about the concept of extending the olive branch? Does that BS ever work? I often think I will extend an apology to someone who clearly thinks that I have done them some great amount of bodily harm, or I damaged their reputation or I ignored them or a million other silly make believe missteps. You know what it gets me? Yes, you guessed correctly!! DING ding, said offended person tries to shove the branch up my ass…good times. ANY time I have ever attempted to say mea culpa (my fault) I usually have a vitriol sandwich crammed down my throat whilst the “injured” person tries to feed my that F*kn branch via my lower alimentary canal. I no longer extend that branch. I have taken up gardening. I like olive oil so I am branching out. ( I will just leave this here)

News flash in order to move on from a place of hurt BOTH parties need to be on the same plain of thought and feeling, otherwise the effort put forth lands flat. Flatter than an opera singer trying to find her note. I am learning to let things fall away, to leave whatever is unhealthy aside so I don’t gnaw at the food in my house when my thoughts and feelings are gnawing at me.

Find your Joy! Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE !

I See You

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for all the things that you are. I see you for all the things you are capable of. I see you for the kindness you carry in your soul. I see the beauty of you that you keep missing. I see you in a way you don’t see yourself. Walking around wrapped in a blanket of self doubt never does anyone any good. True beauty is found in the things that you do, in what you say and in how you treat others. Kindness is an odd gift. You can be touched by kindness yet you can’t hold onto it. Its very nature demands that it be given away. That is its secret power. Its strength lies in the act of being given. It is not anyone’s to keep it needs to be shared.

My soul used to be so heavy from my own negativity about people, life, the world and its craziness. I never really allowed myself to appreciate kindness. The smile I wasn’t looking for. A word of encouragement from a total stranger. An unexpected day filled with a positive outlook. I have changed. Life threw some high speed curve balls at my head. I was set on a course that I did not know how to navigate. It left me feeling vulnerable and alone. I was angry for a long time. I wanted someone to blame for my losses. No matter how many times you cry yourself to sleep moaning the mantra “life is unfair” it is what it is. Being alive is hard, not living your life is harder. I finally got back to the business of living. And you know what? I am no longer angry.

It is what it is. I work really hard at being the kind of person I want to be. I want people to feel my soul shine when they are with me. I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. Believe that you are capable of great things and then go do the things. In time you will find your greatness. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved. Be kind because it matters.

I am, am I?

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Life is a strange journey. Last June I decided to stop being an ass, embrace my inner thin chick, make an unquiet peace with her, and try to get back to the business of losing weight so I can keep my good health. OH MY GAWD what was I not thinking? It has been a frustrating, sad, heart wrenching time in the world. Some days so filled with fear, apprehension and uncertainty that I can easily become anxious about every little thing. Yeah I know, preach. I am finding it very difficult to stay in the moment, to enjoy the peace that surrounds me.

A few years ago I used to blog about my weight loss. I learned a lot about high expectations from that failed exercise ( see what I did there{{{wink, wink}}} ?)! The pressure I put on myself to keep succeeding when I didn’t feel like circling the block anymore got to be too much and just like that [a quick snap of my fingers] I was back to being the “fat girl” with a killer smile, a quick line, a song … and a broken heart. I say broken because every time I walk away from the version of myself where I feel I belong a little more of who I know I am disappears.

The odd thing about losing weight is I know how to do that. It is staying in the mindset of healthy habits difficult to maintain. I have struggled all week with feeling enough. Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Have I exercised enough? ENOUGH of ENOUGH! I promised myself that on this leg of my life’s journey I would not give into that little girl lost that lives in my head. I AM ENOUGH! A mountain can not be climbed without effort. NO more obsessing. It is unhelpful, it is unhealthy, it is soul crushing. I deserve more from myself, for myself. I have always been enough. The scale does not define me! I DO!

Today for the first time I got to see “The Greatest Showman” on Disney +. I know I am late to the show( no pun intended) but that is what happens when you are afraid to go to a movie by yourself and no one else you know wants to see a musical. Live and learn but if you are a believer in everything happens for a reason then I wasn’t meant to see this movie until today.

The song THIS IS ME is me. I needed to hear those words. So often in my life I have felt like I was too broken to be valued, to have value. I was starting to slide back into that feeling…but an odd thing happened on my way to giving up on myself and it all started with a song. This journey is long. This journey is tough BUT I AM WORTH the journey! This is ME!

I have learned that I am not on the road by myself. Asking for help makes the journey easier to shoulder. I am strong. I am brave. I am. I can and I will…succeed, keep on keeping on, being in my moments, loving my life and all the wonderful people that help to make it worth the ride.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

And So It Begins…

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Over the course of last week(June 8th) the job called and summoned the hubster back to work. Joy and anxiety, two emotions that should not be holding hands, and yet…

The hubster and I work for the same company. We have two very different types of jobs.  While we occasionally see each other at work more often than not we do not see each other until the end of our day. I did not get a call back. At this moment my skill set is not needed. I know how anxious I am feeling being home alone; I can only imagine how he is doing right now at work without me. And so it begins…

I have missed the faces of my family, my friends, my co workers{sigh}. We are all bound by the rules of the Governor of Massachusetts to wear masks while in public spaces. Until further notice, while I am allowed to “see” my family, my friends, my co workers it has to be from a distance under the cover of a mask. This alone makes my soul heavy. My parents did their best to raise me to be kind, to be strong, to be open minded, to love with an open heart. I feel like all of those good qualities have been put through the ultimate test. I have chosen to let some friends quietly leave my circle. Why? their wheel house, too many wheels. I want what is best for them. I chose what makes my mental health better. I just don’t want to deal…Some times you can love someone for ALL the wrong reasons. You have to be strong and wise enough to set them free, to set yourself free.

I started writing this blog because I needed someone to talk to because the voices (my thoughts, not pyschosis) in my head were too loud, too negative, and were void of love. My anxiety and negative vibes so strong I couldn’t hear myself think. Writing what is on my mind helps My voice( the things that I really am, what I believe in) to be strong and loud. When my insecurities get too weird for me to manage writing helps me to filter out the menusha.

I have now been back to work for almost eight weeks. I don’t feel I am any safer or unsafer than before. I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Remember when you went through life everyday NOT worried you were going to end up a pandemic statistic? Me either. I am tired of watching the talking heads come to no good solutions. People are making me afraid of my own shadow. Remember when reckless behavior was sleeping around? hanging out with sketchy friends? smoking things? drinking? Now it is all about spoiled people thinking their rights are being infringed upon. Misplaced, dangerous anger never once fixed ONE SINGLE ISSUE! I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Every thing in the world is screaming to a halt. If we promise we have learned a lesson and we will try to behave, can we be let out of timeout?

 

 

Changes

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Some times I become very aggravated because life can feel like a cycle of routine where nothing ever changes, nothing is ever new, exciting, wonderful. AND…I am so wrong about that, so so wrong. I think if this viral attack on the world has taught me anything I can honestly say that life is ever changing. Life moves at its pace not mine. Slow your roll, I’ll get to it. i think I finally get it.

March 19, 2020 seems like a lifetime ago. Hubster and I had just finished lunch. We were spending a few moments as a couple before returning to our respective duties as employees, when all hell rained down. Everyone at our warehouse was furloughed immediately until further notice. 

Today is May 29, 2020 . We are in the 72nd day of together time! 72 days of every meal being made by me, every grocery run, every chore, every errand, every, Every, EVERY, eVeRy thing rests on me. I do it alone. I GOT ANGRY yesterday, over the top anger. Listen, I know it is my fault. I spent my childhood watching my Dad do everything for my Mom. I hated how she was. She was so damaged from her traumatic childhood she never truly lived a full healthy wonderful life and my Dad enabled her. I swore my marriage would be different. So I spoiled my hubby. BIG MISTAKE! My mistake. Just like my Dad, I am an enabler. 

No matter how much a person tries you can not unfry an egg. 

Having a blog is a wonderful thing. Having a blog is a terrifying thing. I can be myself at the keyboard. The only time I really feel pressure about what I write is if I think my MIL is trolling or I leak my frustrations out about my hubster. Truths even when they are only mine can hurt the people on its periphery. I was angry with myself so yes, I yelled and carried on at my hubby. He can be such a lump sometimes but he is my lump. In sickness and in health…traditional vows blah, blah, blah…Here is my view, my truth. iloveu

Loving is not easy. I often do not love myself.  True love is more than a feeling. It is actions. ACTION by its very nature is a verb. Love is something that dies when not shared or rejected but its strength so powerful that it won’t be forgotten. It can not be contained. Nor can it be controlled or measured or handed out. It is given willingly. It lasts. It takes commitment from all parties to remain true. Love defines each relationship in its own unique wonderful way. Never take anyone’s love for granted. It is the best gift they will ever give you.

I apologized for yelling. I could’ve handle that so much better, maybe next time. Who knows? Everything changes…even me.

He…She…US

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Every year the week leading up to Mother’s Day haunts me. My FIL died 24 year ago on May 8, 1996. My husband and I married only days later on May 11, 1996. If you are a believer in omens you would have walked away knowing there was a chance for better luck some place else and yet I stayed. Why did I stay? for the best of reasons, LOVE.

Love is a strange and wonderful thing. Our 24th wedding anniversary is around the corner just passed Mother’s Day. We have never had a honeymoon or a vacation to celebrate our union. There have been times when I wanted my freedom; to wallow in my sadness, to be unwanted. Lord knows I gave him permission to leave me after our failed attempts at becoming parents. Every person should have the right to pursue someone who wants or is capable of having offspring. Growing up I never would have dreamed that I was infertile but there it was staring me in the face… cold hard facts; a failure as a female. He stayed. Love is a strange and wonderful thing. Who is she? She has a aura. A light that draws people to her. Where does it come from? Why does it shine so bright?

He makes me feel like I am whole that I am beautiful. I am his everything. He is my everything. Our life together has not always been easy. Any thing worth having is worth working for. I am thankful for that everyday. I am grateful that we have had this time together minus the outside world of QUARANTINE CENTRAL. We are good for each other. He calms me down when I am ready to go AWOL. I provide him the stability of being his. I love him; he loves me. He fears for my safety, our safety. He listens to me when I am sure no one hears a word I say. He knows who I am and he loves me anyway. Love is a strange and wonderful thing.

Love the people in your life, every day is a gift worth working for. Happy Anniversary Big D. I love you.

 

Sister Act>>>Frustration & Doubt

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I thought about you for most of my day yesterday. I have thoughts …if you will indulge me. I say this from my personal experience with this journey. Frustration, boy….she can be a great friend or the worst enemy you’ve ever had. I find when I am frustrated with a project that she (Frustration) often helps me to take a moment which helps me plan a new strategy or new path. However, when I am uncertain what to do she can linger longer than she should and then I find myself full of her best friend Doubt. All I can say is when those two start hanging around, Failure ,Abandonment, and Anger are usually close behind looking to get their party on. These party guest sometimes take me years to clean up after so I suggest you DON’T entertain them! Frustration is not like Joy. We all know Joy is wonderful to have around but she is fickle and often leaves a party without anyone noticing she is gone until it is too late and the air has gone out of all the balloons. Am I right? Then you might feel a little Frustrated but you know deep down that when Joy returns you will try to enjoy her more so you let Frustration go. You have the power to have Joy or Anger or Frustration or any of her other friends when you need them. Those emotions tend to be controllers in our lives instead of us guiding their use. I have often left my own journey because I GAVE UP on the power of ME! I let all of my unnamed anger, frustration, doubt rule what I want, who I want to be.

I have often dumped Joy, Love, and Acceptance by the wayside because I felt unworthy to accept their unconditional friendship. Know Your worth. Stand up for the distance you have traveled on this journey. Bad feelings are temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS! You are worth all of the struggle. You are enough. You are stronger in ways you never give yourself credit for.

I had to learn to make peace with who I am. I did not become overweight overnight. I will not get healthy overnight either. This time I do this for the best version of myself. The one I love. The one I respect. The version of myself that has learned to be JOYFUL, LOVING, ACCEPTING. Sure I still feel Frustrated but I just stopped entertaining her and her motley crew. I busy myself with things that I enjoy and things have a way of calming down.

Don’t throw your successes away, keep fighting the good fight. I am proud of you!

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

Mulligan Anyone?

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A mulligan is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. Its best-known meaning is in golf, whereby a player is informally allowed to replay a stroke, even though this is against the formal rules of golf. The term has also been applied to other sports and games, and to other fields generally. The origin of the term is unclear. I lifted this definition from Wikipedia.
that-golf-swing

What if this is your chance? a do- over? Reach out to someone you have lost touch with.  Maybe it is someone you miss, apologize and make that relationship whole again. Or does there need to be a deep cleanse of your Facebook page? Unfriending is an option. I found myself tempted by the prospects of letting go of the toxicity that often comes with “social media”. I have set a few people free and in doing so I have set myself free. Maya Angelou has a saying “when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time!” If I had only heeded this advice more often than ignored it I would have been in a much better space right now. = )

Truths? Most people on the periphery of your life DO NOT GIVE ONE DAMN about you. I am learning real friends ask how you are. Real friends owl mail special things to your door on a rainy day. Real friends laugh with you. Real friends hold each other up, build bonds, offer help. Even if that help is just a video chat, a text, or a phone call. Everyone has a village. I am proud to say that my village has the best people. Some I chose, some chose me. My family, my book club ladies, my WWs peeps, co-workers, hockey peeps,  have all become more of an important part of my life. Something in my life I never dreamed of having, acceptance for everything weird thing that makes me who I am. You know what makes me stronger? and helps me see the next day and the next day and the day after that? YOU. So in case you still have not heard my message: you are important, you are beautiful, you are wanted, you are enough. I love you. I am always waiting in the wings. Curtains up!

(virus) We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important message. Love the people in your life while they are in your life. Life is a precarious balance between good and bad, love and hate. Be in your moments, all of them, make memories, be honest, be true to who you are not what people want. Try to leave warm thoughts of you with someone instead of a trail of sadness and anger. Try to be kind to everyone, self included. You will return to your busy lives soon enough.

this so me!

Untitled Four Days Ago…

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Gotta love WordPress for the motivation. This post was really not untitled, it was abandoned. I stepped away from it because I was starting to crawl into that dark spot in my mind that always gets me into trouble and causes me to dwell too long on things that are irrelevant but that my anxiety princess likes to hold onto.true You know what I am talking about, yes, you do. I am good enough? Can I do this? Why is everything in such turmoil? Like being on a carousel that has gone hay wire. Except, I am the one who controls this ride. ME not the media, not the virus, not the fear…me. 

Okay, so maybe the virus isn’t helpful. ( I mean really, enough already, sigh) but this is what we are dealing with right now. I am safe. I am loved. I am needed. I AM ENOUGH. Tough times often define people. Thins out a crowd and let’s those strong enough to stand up to be seen. I wasn’t always strong. I picked it up along the way on my journey.  A girl can only cry so much either stay lost or find your way to something… Yes, I know that to some of you I seem larger than life, that people see me. It is only because I make them see. I was invisible for a long long time. In my youth I sort of skirted the outer parameters of life. People knew I was around but very few cared what was on the other side of the fence. Or at least that’s the way I always felt; until I felt love. Not parental love but love of friends, my husband, of people in and around my life. The people I have met at WWS,  people I have met at hockey, people I have met because I am bold enough to sing in public for absolutely NO REASON, people who needed other people to see them…

I see you. I see you’re anxious. We are all worried. Life can be so full of conflict. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that life is also filled with light, love, laughs. I hope that we are able to return to our most frequented paths soon. Being brave for me means refusing to give into fear, to stand up and find my way. I am often afraid and uncertain about what is coming up next in the queue of life but I am also determined to see what is next. You are never alone as long as I’m somewhere nearby =)

Much love and positive vibes until we cross paths again.

The Road Untraveled

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I have never been one to sit at home. I never thought that in my lifetime I would be forced to stay home for any length of time and yet… Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Karma is a real thing. I am guessing She had a score to settle. Good times, not! Okay, enough bitchin’. I have things to say. If you are a part of my life, if you know me, not who you think I am; but, who I really am then you know that when I love it is always on a grand scale and when I hate that scale is SO MUCH LARGER.

I hate what this pandemic is turning everyone into. All the pettiness, all the conspiracies, the blame game, the stupidity, sadness, and anxiety. I get it. I am scared too. I do not want to lose the people in my life that I love. I refuse to turn into a small, petty minded, harsh jerk. In the words of a lady I met this past summer in a happy circumstance JUST STOP.
Stop and think for a moment that the older person 6 feet away from you might need to see your smile or hear you say hello or need help in a small way. You can do it and still be safe.

Everyday life is so busy and pressed for time that people have forgotten how to be kind. Just stop, smell the flowers, sing the song, go for a walk. I have done all of these every day that I have been on quarantine. I plan on doing them again tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. I hate that I no longer feel safe. Safety is like evil, people often take them both for granted. No one ever realizes how fragile their own lives are. If you are not careful with your own safety, people get hurt by it. If you don’t recognize evil in the world it can put your safety and those that you love in peril. JUST STOP.

I need you. I need you in my life. My world is so much smaller than it used to be. Stay home, get on each others nerves. Be grateful that you CAN get on someone’s nerves. I love each and every one of my friends for varied reasons. Some of you make me cry, some make me think, some push my buttons, some I like in small doses but I love each of you because you make me a better version of myself every time we are together. Be my friend and we shall journey on this adventure we call life.