I have been fighting with myself since my last weigh-in. I am HUNGRY! I know it is more of a psychological voice messing with my Feng shui than true hunger . I have been on program since February of 2016 with a minimal amount of not following program. I have tracked every bite, lick, taste, and tempting thought. I have tried very hard not to hide my eating from my hubby but I fell on my face just now. I could blame it on my upcoming cycle. Song lyrics are running through my mind ( I enjoy being a girl ) but I won’t.
I ate. I am putting myself under a lot of pressure which is causing me unresolved stress. This will be my first big holiday without my Dad. I threw myself a pity party, irrational tears and all. I hid my binge snacking from my hubby just now. I have let myself down. I feel sick from all the sugar and I am disappointed that I gave in to the voices of doubt in my head. I ate but I didn’t choose wisely. I fell off the wagon and hit the ground. I told myself that this trip around I would reach out and ask for help. So I just went an had a chat with my hubby. Turns out he plans to keep right on loving me = ) I need to listen to my inner little girl right now. I am afraid. I have doubts about not being strong enough to weather the storm. No more letting fear win. I am loved. I am wanted. I have worth. I am strong. I am beautiful. I will not let a few hours of self-made terror rule my life. I am the BOSS of me! I had a weak moment but I am feeling much better.
I needed to vent that!!!! Off my chest, out of my mind, clean slate. So now what? I know what. I will simply continue on my path. One flat tire doesn’t stop a road trip. Smart people call AAA fix the flat and move on down the road. I can do this! I need to plan my meals better. I think I am hungry because I am not eating enough bulk. I need to add free freshies. Salad or fruit with my lunch. Drink more water. Get out and get in a walk before the sun sets. This winter is definitely going to be challenge for me but I will win. I have worked far too hard to stop now. Damn you flying monkeys I will get to that Emerald City one way or another!!!!
Never Give Up On The PERSON You Are Meant To Be !
I love my Pops. Everyone who knows me knows how much I care about this man. People often say to me how strong I am or brave or what courage it takes to face his illness. I never know quite know how to respond to that. I know if the tables were turned and I was the one who was ill my Dad would be there. It is the character you build with the help of your parents that makes you the person you become. My parents had their faults, who doesn’t? They also tried very hard to instill certain values in us girls. Work hard, love with an open heart, be kind to people, listen, be understanding. Give of yourself not because it is expected of you but because want to share who you are with others. Nice counts.
My Dad never graduated high school. He was from an era in time when quitting school to seek a job to help your family was encouraged. I am sure my grandparents would have loved it if all of their children had stayed in school and jumped for their share of the American dream but dreams don’t put food on your table. My Dad has always had a strong sense of taking care of one’s own family. Do what needs to be done so they are provided for. He was a great provider. I can remember him having two part time jobs to help round out his full time job just to make ends meet. My mother was really unable to hold down a job for any significant amount of time. Her mental illness always got in her way. Crippling her ability to cope with every day duties of keeping the house and kids in line. Often my Dad had to be both parents.
My Dad never gave up on my mother and loved her devotedly until the day she died. Funny, he doesn’t remember her now. Sad for me; blessing for him? Who am I to say? I only know in my heart I am glad my mother did not live to see my Pops robbed of his memory. She nearly lost her mind after my sister passed away. I sometimes think that’s why her health declined so fast after Breny died ; she was broken. Both of my parents were clingy after her passing. My phone would ring off the hook. They would often call me to make sure I was Okay. Annoying then, but now I realize how hurt they were by her passing and how afraid they were for me and my other sister. Loss was not easy for either of them.
I deal with my Dad’s loss everyday. He is still here, yet he is not. As the days go by I know my time being with him, laughing, living, crying and just being his kid are on the decline. He will not live forever despite my best efforts. I have become the parent to my parent. My parents taught me what to do. There is no bravery involved. Only love…and love can do anything. Love the people in your life while they are still here to share it.
What are you afraid of?
I have lived with some form of fear, well, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t afraid. I guess you could say fear has always been on my side. I was afraid of the dark as a child. I was afraid of my mothers’ rage. I was afraid to try new things or to look stupid in front of others. I am afraid of chickens and dolls with faces. I am afraid of losing myself to obesity. I am afraid that some day I will get dementia like my Pops. I am afraid of being homeless, jobless, abandoned.
The problem with fear is that it can be so powerful that you get frozen by it. It is difficult to free myself. Fear has a way of making you small. I forget sometimes that I am in control of how my day goes. I have the power to turn a bad day around. I am a force to be reckoned with when I stand up for myself. Being fearful makes you weary in a way that is hard to explain to a person who doesn’t understand what it is like to carry this burden.
Fear …I hate you. I hate how you fill me with self doubt.