July

In just a few short days it will be my birthday. I am only telling you this because, in truth; I hate my birthday. It is void of everything but high expectations. Every year as my birthday month approaches I grow more and more antsy. I want the grandiose sparkly birthday gathering with cake and presents and stuffs I just don’t need. What I get is usually way more sedate and boring. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry and every year I fail.

I know I am being foolish. I know it is a day on the calendar that is special only to me but I have always wanted it to be bigger than that. I suppose that is the little girl in me that never got to have a birthday party(everyone I knew was on summer holiday). I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t want to be a growed up. I am a Lost Girl. I never liked that Pan’s club was boys only. I mean really if it hadn’t been for Tink and Wendy what would have happened to those lost boys?

I guess I hate my birthday because it means I get older. Age is a perception thing. When you are young you wish to be older and when you are older you wish to be younger. An AGE old battle no one wins. I can’t stop time or change the past( which I despise) the only way is forward, which we call the present, that sometimes is difficult for me to find the gift in.

Here goes:

Dear Birthday,

This year I would like to pause and thank you for being part of my life. I forgive you for not being what I needed in the past. Birthdays remind me of how far I have come. They remind me of how much further I can go. With you I have grown into an adult that I am proud to call me. Because of you I have been given immeasurable amounts of love and guidance and support. My friends and family have always been there to rejoice in the anniversary of my coming into being. I am sorry for taking you for granted. Having said that though I must also admit I am not enjoying the grey hair you keep giving me, enough already. Let’s have some fun this year. What do you say we keep our expectations low? our spirits high and surround ourselves with relaxation? Also, a spa day would be nice but we can talk later, Okay?

Love,

Trish

OUCH

help
help
If I had a white flag or the strength to hoist it above my head I would throw it out there. I need for the snow to stop showing up wanting to play. I am old. The snow reminds me of just how old. My poor old lady body hurts everywhere. The time has come for me to deal with the mess I have become. I have been afraid for my well being as of late. I let the stress in my life steer my life. I have willing placed my tortured body in that precarious position of ill health looming. I have gained a lot of weight for no good reason. I like to punish myself for my short comings by not dealing with my problems as they are but rather as insurmountable walls of can’ t do, won’t do, doesn’t matter if I do. I always say no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself.

I have grown tired of my lies. I seek peace. I want Spring and the beauty of new growth. The sun in my face. I want to wear a sun dress and walk the beach.

my happy thought
my happy thought
I want to be young again with the whole of my life in front of me instead of behind me as I now find it. I walked away from my best success at losing weight because I was afraid of who I would be. I am still the same lost girl I was in grade school.
who I am
who I am…
who I wish I could be
… who I wish I could be

There are many things in my life that I don’t like to deal with. I have a difficult time putting my anger to rest. My ability to hate surprises me, sometimes. I have an older sister that most of my friends know nothing of. I like to pretend that we are not related. She is the skeleton in my closet. When we were younger we were closer but time and events of life changed all that. There are things that I wish I could tell her but we don’t speak; we yell, we judge, we let the pain in our lives keep us separate. She doesn’t know me anymore as much as I don’t know her. Sad I know. How could I love my kid sister so much but my older sister not at all? I don’t really have an answer for that. I am not sure I want an answer for it. I have grown accustomed to her not being a part of my life.