If I had a white flag or the strength to hoist it above my head I would throw it out there. I need for the snow to stop showing up wanting to play. I am old. The snow reminds me of just how old. My poor old lady body hurts everywhere. The time has come for me to deal with the mess I have become. I have been afraid for my well being as of late. I let the stress in my life steer my life. I have willing placed my tortured body in that precarious position of ill health looming. I have gained a lot of weight for no good reason. I like to punish myself for my short comings by not dealing with my problems as they are but rather as insurmountable walls of can’ t do, won’t do, doesn’t matter if I do. I always say no one can lie to you like you can lie to yourself.
I have grown tired of my lies. I seek peace. I want Spring and the beauty of new growth. The sun in my face. I want to wear a sun dress and walk the beach.I want to be young again with the whole of my life in front of me instead of behind me as I now find it. I walked away from my best success at losing weight because I was afraid of who I would be. I am still the same lost girl I was in grade school.
There are many things in my life that I don’t like to deal with. I have a difficult time putting my anger to rest. My ability to hate surprises me, sometimes. I have an older sister that most of my friends know nothing of. I like to pretend that we are not related. She is the skeleton in my closet. When we were younger we were closer but time and events of life changed all that. There are things that I wish I could tell her but we don’t speak; we yell, we judge, we let the pain in our lives keep us separate. She doesn’t know me anymore as much as I don’t know her. Sad I know. How could I love my kid sister so much but my older sister not at all? I don’t really have an answer for that. I am not sure I want an answer for it. I have grown accustomed to her not being a part of my life.