The Empty Hanger

Sometimes I sit here and I feel at odds with myself, my world, my family. I am sure I am a huge NOBODY and what I say or do does not matter in the least to anyone, not even to me, but that is not reality just my anxiety. Do you know what you mean to someone? No guesses, truly know? I am betting that you don’t. I know I haven’t a clue. Every once in awhile if you are very lucky you meet someone that stands out in a crowd, someone that makes a difference to your world, someone that you are happy to know. I always strive to be this person. I want to make an impression you cannot easily walk away from. I want to be someone you remember in a wonderful way. While I am good at expressing myself on this side of the keyboard, in person I often feel awkward and stumbling.  In the privacy of my little office I can organize my thoughts and feelings and type away my fear, anger and frustrations with complete freedom.

I started writing in my youth to help combat my inner demons. My mother battled mental illness her whole life. As a result I grew up believing the worst of myself. Struggling with my worth, my identity, I was GIRL LOST. I have been fighting with myself for so long just trying to be something other than what I think I am. So who am I really? I am someone’s wife. I am someone’s daughter. I am someone’s niece. I am someone’s cousin. I am someone’s aunt. I am someone’s sister. I am someone’s best friend. I am someone’s last hope and someone’s first smile. I AM SOMEONE you will never forget.

Flowers would be nothing without bees. Small and insignificant yet mighty and powerful. DSC_0190I called out of work earlier this week when I returned, a coworker casually told me how she felt when she walked by my desk and noticed my lonely, empty coat hanger keeping watch over my desk. It was only after noticing how empty it looked without me that she felt a sort of sadness over my not being around. I know I looked at her with a measure of wonder. I can never tell her how much that touched my heart. Never underestimate what you mean to the people in and around your life. Bee something wonderful to the flowers in your life = )

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BEE!!!


…that word fell out of someone’s mouth today about me. I inspire people to be bigger than they allow themselves to be. News to me. I felt a little overwhelmed by the thought actually. I often feel like a stick living a quiet life trapped in a quagmire(cool word). Floating through my life not having any real affect on anyone. Funny what we are willing to believe about ourselves. Even stranger to try to accept what others hold onto about you. I know that often I like to hold onto a belief that is untrue. I tell myself I am unworthy. I don’t use that word specifically but the sum of all the other words that scamper around my head add up to UNWORTHY or HOPELESS or something along the lines of “what you want isn’t important”. I am important. I am beautiful. I am Trish. My value as a person is ten times what I believe it is. So why do I tear myself down? why do any of us do it?

There is always someone out there waiting in the wings to tell you bad things about the who that you are. It is something that I wish we as a people could learn to stop doing. Instead of throwing people under a bus why can’t we help them climb on board? be that hand that reaches out to help instead of slap you down? Funny thing about love and kindness it GOES NOWHWERE unless it is shared. In my encounters, with people that run through the valley of my life, I like to say something positive about themselves to them. Novel concept? maybe but I like the smile I get in return. I am honest and kind. I love the people in my life. I care about each one differently and yet the same. They stay in my life which speaks volumes about the type of person I am. Who I can be. People don’t venture into a garden for the bees ( well I am sure some might) they wander in to see the glory of the blooms contained within. People naturally are attracted to beauty. So maybe I am the garden in someone’s life, how cool is that?

Self-worth or an understanding of what you mean to yourself is often pushed aside or buried by people. I do it. You do it. It is ok to be. It is ok to like yourself just as you are. There will never be another you, EVER. Accept every wonderful and dark thing about you;  because this is it. Your show. Your time. A small belief in oneself can lead to such wonderful and amazing adventures.

I think I like inspiring people.