Circle

Round and round, circular logic is the toughest thing to break free from. I talk myself out of and into the same situation ten times in a day. Why is it so flippin’ difficult to get back onto the path of eating better food to feel better? The older I get the more I find myself asking why? Why do I want THIS? Do I need to do this to myself over and over and over? I always walk away from my success. I came very close to walking away again but I am hanging on. I have been thinking about the whys and the wants and the needs of my path all week.

I am not going to walk away from the better version of myself this time. I have finally learned (the eating better, moving more, feeling alive, being happy) this is what I have wanted to be a part of my whole life. Sometimes a person has to get lost so they can find their way back home. I was in a weird { HEY! I notice you have wrinkles and grey hair} FUNK. I did not want to own the facts of who I am versus who I think I am or who I am sure I will become. I fell into the trap of being upset over something I have no control over. I stressed myself out because I no longer have that “Feck You I am 25” look . Now I am becoming that part of the OLDER crowd at gatherings and birthday parties. No one wants me to sit at the kids’ table anymore. Quite frankly that pisses me off. I mean who wants to sit with the old fogies? Not me! but the truth is I kind of sort of belong to that section of the orchestra now.

I wanted to grow into an elegant beauty like Lena Horne. Yup, you guessed it not gonna happen. Not with the neck wattle I am melting into. Lena Hornechicken-live3-1Dreams shatter like glass on a sidewalk. Sweep up the mess, move on.

 

For the Love of a Salad

Do you have a favorite food? That one dish you would sacrifice all of your weeklies for? The one dish you dream about? Laugh, if you want but my all time favorite thing in the world is a garden salad with grilled chicken from Steve’s Pizza in West Boylston. Yes, I weigh the chicken. I count the Syrian pocket that comes with it. The only thing I truly CAN NOT figure out is their dressing. It makes the salad that dish I would sacrifice every one of my weeklies for.  Yes, I log the dressing too! even if it is creatively.  ;  )

I am learning to recognize the taste of the food I eat. Food has always been my bestfriend and my worst enemy. In the past I have used food as a mood stabilizer. A difficult admission but I spent years running away from myself, my dreams, my life. I would eat with no other purpose than to distract myself from unpleasantness. Numb my inner demons instead of deal with real issues. My own feelings of loneliness, self-hatred, fear. I wasn’t taught coping skills as a child. It’s a poor excuse to keep leaning on in adulthood. Who knew it would take me almost a lifetime to stand up to myself and demand more because I finally understand my worth.

I refuse to let food push me around anymore. I am the boss of me. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am trusting myself to make the best choices from what is available. I have given myself permission to be flawed. Perfection is not truth in advertising, Photoshop is. Live your life. Never Give Up on the person you are meant to be. Food is my bio-fuel not my friend or my council.