Face Plant

I have been fighting with myself since my last weigh-in. I am HUNGRY! I know it is more of a psychological voice messing with my Feng shui than true hunger . I have been on program since February of 2016 with a minimal amount of not following program. I have tracked every bite, lick, taste, and tempting thought.  I have tried very hard not to hide my eating from my hubby but I fell on my face just now. I could blame it on my upcoming cycle. Song lyrics are running through my mind ( I enjoy being a girl ) but I won’t.

I ate. I am putting myself under a lot of pressure which is causing me unresolved stress. This will be my first big holiday without my Dad. I threw myself a pity party, irrational tears and all. I hid my binge snacking from my hubby just now. I have let myself down. I feel sick from all the sugar and I am disappointed that I gave in to the voices of doubt in my head. I ate but I didn’t choose wisely. I fell off the wagon and hit the ground. I told myself that this trip around I would reach out and ask for help. So I just went an had a chat with my hubby. Turns out he plans to keep right on loving me =  ) I need to listen to my inner little girl right now. I am afraid. I have doubts about not being strong enough to weather the storm. No more letting fear win. I am loved. I am wanted. I have worth. I am strong. I am beautiful. I will not let a few hours of self-made terror rule my life. I am the BOSS of me! I had a weak moment but I am feeling much better.

I needed to vent that!!!! Off my chest, out of my mind, clean slate. So now what? I know what. I will simply continue on my path. One flat tire doesn’t stop a road trip. Smart people call AAA fix the flat and move on down the road. I can do this! I need to plan my meals better. I think I am hungry because I am not eating enough bulk. I need to add free freshies. Salad or fruit with my lunch. Drink more water. Get out and get in a walk before the sun sets. This winter is definitely going to be challenge for me but I will win. I have worked far too hard to stop now. Damn you flying monkeys I will get to that Emerald City one way or another!!!!

Never Give Up On The PERSON You Are Meant To Be !

It Always Comes Back to This…Singing

I can always tell when I have anger issues that go unresolved.
The more of my anger I hold in the wider I become. I am not really overweight. I am stuffed with unhealthy anger. As I slide the shower door open a wave of deja vu sweeps over me. I imagine if only for the briefest of moments the scene before me will be as if I am Dorothy alighting from her house, planted into a world of color and beauty and uniqueness where all my dreams wait for me, along the brick road wanting to be discovered and fulfilled; but,it is just my bathroom no magic, no hope, no dreams. In my mind I can see when my view of myself changed. Where in the grand scheme I belonged. Where I changed and become small and scared. I withdrew into a safe place. This place has grown tight and stale. I need to let go of my childish fears and OZ and be the adult I know is there.

In the back of my mind it is 1976. I am 12, the magic of life waiting to unfold.
My mother gave me her stereo for my birthday. She must have loved me very much. She knew I loved to sing. She knew I had it in my heart to become the next Streisand. She loved my voice. I think it was her way of giving me her undying support. My father worked a long time to buy her that stereo. It was an Emerson. You could actually lock the turntable by lifting it into the cabinet between its two side mounted speakers.

I loved that thing. I wore it out. Blew the amplifier, wore the turntable down so it wouldn’t turn any more. I was heartbroken. With that stereo I taught myself how to breathe, to let the notes float out of my soul and over the space in front of me. Singing has always made me feel beautiful. A beauty no one can take or borrow or change. Music makes me feel unbroken.

I have never had a formal lesson. I hear the melody in my mind and I know if it is in the right key. I know if it is my range, if I have enough vocal reserve to hit the high notes. I fly when I sing soaring to heights no one but I can reach. My dreams waiting for me not to be afraid.