Is It Okay?

…if I decide that I am good enough JUST as I am? Is IT? I am done. I find myself on the path of middle age. Some of my dreams, wishes, desires will never come to fruition. I am many things. I am funny. I am a worrier. I obsess about things that worry me. When I love I throw everything that I am into it. Hurt me and it takes near a lifetime for me to trust you again. I am loud. I love to laugh. I love to sing. I love the people in my life. I guess I just want to know that the people in my life love me just as I am. Hot mess and all. I will always be overweight. Does that make me less valuable than someone who will always be skinny?

I am tired of rowing my boat in a circle. I have come to believe I have put my health on the skids by trying to hard to make changes to the ways I eat instead of the whys. I think it is time I under take a new approach by …yeah what should I do?

I feel like it is time to throw my hat into the ring and give this eat better to be better thing another go round. I miss feeling healthy. I miss my ankles and my skinny jeans. I miss laughing and meaning it. I miss the me that was smaller and full of life and hope. I am READY to try again.

The Shadow of Her Smile

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Her birthday has just passed. Her smile haunts my dreams. I am eleven years without her now,my heart still broken. The days and months got easier to live in but not her day. Every year I promise myself I will get through it without crying. Every year I fail. I miss her. I feel alone now. My secrets safe in the silence of her death. Things about me that only she ever knew. I wish I could let her go but I find that I can’t. I find myself talking to her whenever I am afraid or uncertain, like she is nearby.

As the years march by it gets harder to recall what she sounded like. In dreams we are free. In sleep every whisper is vibrant, every smile bright. I remember her love for me. She was the light in my soul. She knew I was broken but loved me anyway. Like a chipped cup you just can’t throw away. She made me feel like I could do anything. She looked up to me, not at me or through me.

It is the shadow of her smile that gets me through the tough days. I cherish the dreams in which she stops by. Young and happy she waits for me. Together we adventure. In my dreams we are the sunshine after the rain. I love you Breny. ❤