No, I am not talking about the Charles Dickens novel. The higher the goal you set for yourself the bigger the ladder you may need to reach it. I am sitting here in my little corner of the world slightly peeved. What is with the harsh amount of rain that I can hear and feel pounding my roof? I hate the RAIN. It makes me too introspective and gloomy. The only time I think I enjoy rain is on a hot summer night when the air needs to be refreshed. I am in a fowl mood. Yes, I said fowl. I really wanted to eat my favorite Friday night supper; grilled chicken breast with the grilled veggies and a pita. It is raining outside like Noah has been resurrected, sent on a mission to repopulate the world once the Almighty is done flooding evil doers into the afterlife. I won’t go out to my local pizza shop to get soaked just to eat chicken = ( So now I am grumpier than a two year old who refuses to nap.
I have realistic expectations of reaching my goal this time. I am trying not to let my good intentions get too far out in front of me. I am still making really good choices when it comes to my meal planning. I am allowing myself to be in my moments and enjoy the trip. I am rediscovering the person I have always been. I surprise myself everyday. I noticed for the first time today I can see my hands and face have slimmed down. Sometimes though I feel impatient, like tonight because it is raining. I want to rush through to the end of the story before all of the characters have been developed. WHY? I will get there when I get there. I am feeling more confident with myself. I feel younger than I have in a long time. Being really overweight made me feel worn down and tired all of the time. Now I feel like I could walk all day and dance all night. Go ME!
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be !
In just a few short days it will be my birthday. I am only telling you this because, in truth; I hate my birthday. It is void of everything but high expectations. Every year as my birthday month approaches I grow more and more antsy. I want the grandiose sparkly birthday gathering with cake and presents and stuffs I just don’t need. What I get is usually way more sedate and boring. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry and every year I fail.
I know I am being foolish. I know it is a day on the calendar that is special only to me but I have always wanted it to be bigger than that. I suppose that is the little girl in me that never got to have a birthday party(everyone I knew was on summer holiday). I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t want to be a growed up. I am a Lost Girl. I never liked that Pan’s club was boys only. I mean really if it hadn’t been for Tink and Wendy what would have happened to those lost boys?
I guess I hate my birthday because it means I get older. Age is a perception thing. When you are young you wish to be older and when you are older you wish to be younger. An AGE old battle no one wins. I can’t stop time or change the past( which I despise) the only way is forward, which we call the present, that sometimes is difficult for me to find the gift in.
This year I would like to pause and thank you for being part of my life. I forgive you for not being what I needed in the past. Birthdays remind me of how far I have come. They remind me of how much further I can go. With you I have grown into an adult that I am proud to call me. Because of you I have been given immeasurable amounts of love and guidance and support. My friends and family have always been there to rejoice in the anniversary of my coming into being. I am sorry for taking you for granted. Having said that though I must also admit I am not enjoying the grey hair you keep giving me, enough already. Let’s have some fun this year. What do you say we keep our expectations low? our spirits high and surround ourselves with relaxation? Also, a spa day would be nice but we can talk later, Okay?
As February is preparing to make its exit into March, I am taking a few moments to think about the good things I managed to do for myself. Instead of wallowing in the sorrow I allow to consume me every year on Brenda’s birthday, I went back to WWs. I wanted to do something positive for myself on her day. Put a different twist on the day. I made a commitment to myself. Live for the day you awake to. Do the best you can with the moment you are in. Be kinder to yourself. Everyone makes bad choices but one bad rock does not spoil a stone wall. Listen to how you feel. If you are angry verbalize why. Even if no one else is listening, you hear you. It’s OK to let go.
Let go of the emotions that keep you tied to the version of yourself that you don’t like. Stop calling yourself bad names. When left alone with my thoughts sometimes they (I am)are mean to me. I alone allow myself to be negative over small slights of weakness or anger or sorrow. Why? Have you ever just asked yourself why? No? Me either. Odd but true the people in your life love you just as you are. So why do I suck at liking myself? I set my self expectations way too high above my limitations that’s why.
My back is finally on the mend, most of my mobility has returned which is just wonderful. Every February during school vacation a group of gaming geeks gather for a weekend of gaming. It is about the exchanging of ideas, bad food and the great company of people you love that you haven’t seen in a year. Not my cup of tea but it makes the hubster happy so I tag along. I spend my weekend being the trophy wife and running around fake shopping and exploring with my best gal pal, Jadira. This year my bestie was ill with a bad bout of bronchitis and I was a stiff painful back muscle cramp. We both tried to have a great weekend but in truth I would say on a scale from disastrous to cool we mellowed out somewhere around ehh, it was ok.
I tried to stay on program as much as possible. I even went to a WWs meeting on Saturday just like I was at home. Yippee for me. I am trying to stick to my guns, to become a better version of myself. For the first time in more than a few years I feel like I can do this.