Little slips of silliness that sometimes spew volumes of wisdom at you, my favorite part of a fortune cookie. I have been having a difficult time being myself lately. I have allowed myself to drift away from my “yellow brick road” (the journey I want to be on) for a path I like to call, “The PATH of Self Loathing”. If I waste to much of my energies on hating myself I lose my way. It becomes nearly impossible for me to get back to the journey that makes me the most content. I know better but sometimes I don’t want to be better. Sometimes I just want to be allowed to sulk, to be uncooperative and shitty. Not wise on my part at all. I am having trouble at night sleeping without being awoken by night terrors. Bad mojo I can’t seem to shake. Something has to change.
I’m sorry. I am not apologizing to you. I apologizing to myself for my own misguided, misplaced misbehavior. Sure, I got bored with adhering to the WWs way of life but that is no reason to just pack it up and pack it in. So what is really going on with me? I have no answer. Life is truly a verb, in other words, I need to stop feeling poorly about myself and just do the things that make me like the me that I am.
The ancient Chinese symbol about the delicate balance of life is yin yang. I have always been drawn to yin yang. This is how I view my life. I let my life become distorted with negativity. It is time I stop, rest, assess, formulate a plan, move forward and embrace the positive. I need this.
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be
Nothing is a waste of time if you learn something from it. My fortune from Chinese take-out. Funny how that small statement started a flow of ideas and feelings for me. When you are a child you reason like a child. There is an innocence in childhood that most adults grow out of or abandon and I have always wondered why. I was more forgiving as a child. Open to possibilities and dreams. Have you ever surfed the sky on a cloud filled day? Shaped the clouds into dragons and lady bugs and all sorts of fine things? I catch myself watching the skies now. I don’t see the magic as much just the gloom of the season. When did I become a grown up? I wanted to live in Neverland and be one of the Lost Girls. Not to ever have to grow old or tired with responsibilities I didn’t want or ask for. Youth is wasted on the young. Once you become an adult you spend the entirety of your remaining years trying to recapture what you once so foolishly wasted. What happens to INNOCENCE when it dies? The song Puff the Magic Dragon makes me cry. I am Jackie Paper. Once I believed. Now I am uncertain.
Just before Thanksgiving I had a kick ass viral cold. It left me vulnerable in many ways. It also reminded me that being in control really is a delicate balance of every little thing being in the right place at exactly the right time. All it takes is one thing going awry and the whole parade falls apart. It is time to turn my plane into a different wind current. I need to get myself back to being careful about what it is I eat. My choices matter. I am a way better person when I eat to live and not live to eat. I need to put the care of my Dad into someone else’s capable hands before either one of us gets hurt.