I start my routine in the darkness of early morning. I have been following this particular routine for many years. Sometimes under the guise of wisdom I try to change my set patterns for a new bag of tricks,which in all honesty, is the same routine only with more swearing caused from not applying my new found wisdom correctly. What? ; ) Sometimes I am such a dumbass! Do I get points for stubbornness? Having routines helps me to stay on point. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself grumbling over being bored. Routines can be so mundane… I fall out of love with having order where once there was chaos. Silly right? Everybody wants peace but if Peace and I go steady too long I get antsy. That is why I created cheat day. It can only happen once in a while and I can’t waste a cheat on something I could have everyday. You know like going hog wild and ordering croutons with my salad. Really? That’s all you got?
No! What I mean is that I allow myself to do or have something I really want. I won’t give into the dark thoughts that swim in the recesses of my mind. Those thoughts try to undermine my success by throwing guilt at the windows. Screw that! I think I have finally learned that it is ok to have a treat every once in a while as long as I stop and ask myself first, “Is this what you really want? or are you needing something else? like validation? or a hug? or some new pants?” Turns out sometimes I am not really looking for something to eat. I am looking for a nap, or a hug or clothes that fit.This morning while I was trying to decide if I should wear a pair of pants that fit or wear the baggier pants, I realized something. It feels great (wonderful and inspiring) to have more choices. Instead of trying to figure out what I am still able to squeeze myself into I have to figure out what won’t fall down around my ankles. It’s a nice choice to have!
This time around the Sound I have approached my weight loss efforts in a totally different way. I’ve changed my routine. I have not bought ONE frozen prepared entrée. I have made a lunch everyday. I have made better fruit and vegetable choices. I have been more patient with myself. I no longer hide my eating; instead I have expressed my needs and fears to my hubby. I am not obsessing over every ounce that I consume. I am having fun. I bought a Jawbone just so I could see if I can beat my own steps from the previous day. When I make a choice to eat something that is off the “grid” I try to leave a few bites behind. THIS IS HUGE for me. I was raised with the thought that leaving something leftover on your plate was not being thankful for what you were given. Horse pucky! It is my educated choice about the non nutritional value of that double dipped, chocolate swirl, caramel sticky bun surrounded with nuts, gooey heaven on my plate. I only really want you because I am tired or stressed or any other myriad of excuses. It is okay to just have a taste. I can live without you BUN of DOOM! I’d much rather enjoy my new way of living than hang out with you anyway.
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be
Every step I take brings me closer to my destination. I love the summer months.Summer brings longer days, brighter skies, adventure, BBQs, baseball, the heat, thunderstorms and humidity =( I hate humid days. It curls my hair and my mood. I feel like Velcro. I fish through my clothes searching for the most breathable fabrics I own. Any type of real activity leaves you feeling like a moist towelette you get from a fried chicken place. YUCK! but it’s Summer… so suck it up Buttercup!
When Summer slips into the months of August and the earliest parts of September I start dreading the coming Fall. I hate this part of summer. It is the time when I start taking inventory of what I have that fits versus what I have that I have grown out of. My recent past has been spent in turmoil over the things that I grew way to fluffy to squeeze into. I mean who doesn’t love a nosh at a family BBQ? or ice cream every weekend? even if it is at the expense( or expanse )of your waist line and your health?
This summer I am in the same exact situation but from a different perspective. I have been eating healthier, making the best choices I can. I have lost enough weight that most of my “go to” line of clothes floats on me. Oh no, I need clothes. I hate to shop. I am bad at it. Worry, anxiety, stress, tears … this moment is being interrupted by a feeling I have inside me that says, “it’s okay, you are doing great things for yourself. This is not a race. This is your life, live it on your terms.” I have taken inventory in my closets and dressers. I have clothes that I can wear. There will be no unplanned nudity from wardrobe malfunction. My hard work is beginning to pay off. I am learning to enjoy the fact that my clothes feel better against my skin. I no longer feel like I am being held hostage by my underwear. There is no pinching or bunching at the seams from any of my clothing. YEAH ME!
It has been a really long time since I have felt this relaxed in my own skin = ) Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Anyone want to go shopping?
Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?
IT… is an intangible feeling; a Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel? Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride? I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.
I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy. The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward. Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.
Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself? I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.
Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip = )
Two simple words and yet it is the hardest undertaking. “I couldn’t help myself” is heard whenever someone gives into a temptation. I say it myself like it is the best solution to explain away a natural urge to want things. A fitting excuse for when you have gone too far over your limitations, purchased something you wanted instead of needed or eaten that one small thing you couldn’t live another minute without and then eating way more than you wanted to.
Help Yourself. You have to make that choice. Help yourself or continue down the path you are on. No one can make you a better you, except you. You have to want to be better. It is not always easy to pick your health and well being over every other thing going on in your life. It is OKAY to want happiness. Happiness does not come in a box wrapped in pretty paper and a ribbon. Happiness is a state of mind that needs constant attention to help it last. Choose to nurture yourself and happiness is easier to sustain. Help yourself. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
Let IT GO…whatever it is that is holding you back. Claim your life. Every rotten, wonderful moment of it. You are worth your best effort. Forgive yourself. You don’t have to be your toughest critic. Why is it we are all willing to cut our loved ones some slack but not ourselves? Perfection is a farce; a carnival mirror that plays tricks with your mind. Learn to see yourself as others see you: kind, intelligent, loving, friendly, determined. Ugly self-thought serves only one purpose, sabotage. Stop doing it! You are amazing! You just have to believe in yourself.
It only takes a spark to ignite a fire. Be the spark in your own life. I stopped believing in myself. I was lost for a very long time. My road has been mostly an uphill climb because I made it that way. I allowed the darkness of my inner turmoil to take over who I know I am. It nearly cost me every part of who I grew to be; the wonderful things that I liked about myself. We all have wonderful things about ourselves. You know its true. Ask that one person in your life that LOVES you just the way you are. What do they like about you? You may be surprised to find out that it has NOTHING to do with your appearance and more to do with the intangibles, like the gentleness of your love or your ability to see the goodness in people or…?
I got tired of feeling tired and sad. I missed happiness. I choose to help myself. Be well. Believe in the power that is you. YOU can do this! Help yourself = )
That’s my problem I spend way to much time wondering and not enough time doing. I need to get some stuff done. I have clouds to put my head in. I have Spring coming in soon and I am not ready. I am that oak tree stuck in my acorn waiting to emerge from my shell, take root and become magnificent. The story of my life. I have told myself for the better part of my life that I am a misfit. I don’t belong. I am unwanted. All lies. Lies I tell myself. I am sure most people tell themselves lies just to get through another day. The photos of your life tell you things about yourself you are unwilling to see on your own. If you were to look at mine you would see that I set myself apart from others so I can avoid rejection. Like unplugging the TV before the electricity quits. Who does that? why do I do that? everyone is afraid of rejection, of not fitting in, of being set apart from everyone else we so desperately want to be like. I sabotage myself. I kick me before anyone else can. I am afraid to be happy.
I went to my doctor yesterday. She is worried about me. I am worried about me. I like my doctor. She is kind. She listens. She counsels. She genuinely wants me to turn my path around so my health doesn’t decline any further than I have let it. 10/12/08 I weighed 174lbs. By 03/03/15 yeah ok way more than that. Why? because I threw my success away. I left WWs. I abandoned myself by the side of the road broken down, helpless.
I have something to tell you. I cheated on you. I am so sorry. We had some good times you and I. It wasn’t you. You did everything right. You were always right there for me. I am the cause of our failure. Our relationship didn’t last because you worked harder than I did. I lost faith in us. We have not once ever finished our dance. I punish myself the only way I know how. I walked away. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel like I was alive. You gave me purpose. A dream to pursue. If I told you I was ready to finish our dance would you take me back? do you have enough faith in me? I hope you will always be in my corner, waiting for me to be willing.