I Stayed Too Long, I Strayed Too Far

The time has come to pick up the pieces of my life once again, pull up my big girl panties and continue on from where I left the ride. The sad reoccurring theme to my life, the never ending cycle of circular logic. I EAT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY, I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I AM DISAPPOINTED. I FEEL SAD FOR FAILING, I AM SAD SO I EAT WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY WHICH MAKES ME EAT… it never ends.

I guess the real question should be why? Why do I always stop myself from completing my journey. When did I decide I had to “fix” myself? I don’t  know but I was a young girl possibly second or third grade. I think that would have put me in the eight years of age range. I am so tired of not being enough for myself. I am a good person. I like to think I am the type of human you might want to hang with. I have excellent communication skills. I love to laugh. I love with my whole being. I am tender hearted. Jeez zus ! I sound like an ad for a shelter animal. “Trish is a sweet old girl who is good around people. She is potty trained. She would do well in any home situation…”
 
I need to STOP trying to fix myself, relax, be in my life the way I want to be. I would love to move onto the next phase of my life’s journey. You know what phase I am talking about? That place in your psyche where you finally feel at home with yourself? Boldly facing the world and its haters;  telling them to go fuck themselves. I don’t need to change! I am beginning to realize that sitting through every WW meeting waiting to learn something new about food and its role in my life is foolish. Food is my drug of choice. Meeting or no the only true way out of this hell I live with is to work through it. No shortcuts, no lying to myself, no eating crap like I am a kid at a candy store.

Learn to alter my behavior for once not my clothes. Live through and experience all of it; the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, the joy, the exuberance, the love. I wasn’t kidding when I told you that while I may wander from my place in line, I will never leave the parade until the last float crosses the finish line.Dr.Seuss

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE.   = )

 

 

Piss and Moan Club…

…T shirts are now available in the main lobby. Thank you for shopping at Get Over Yourself and have a pleasant day.

I have been feeling sorry for myself since June, maybe earlier. I have not been willing to address what is bothering me. I guess until now, Thanksgiving of all times, ironic much? Maybe it is just that I know I am hitting those magic years of menopause. I cry now for no real reason. That’s a new feeling for me. Almost like passing gas but I get no relief. Some days I feel like a gigantic sack of nonspecific, unwanted sorrow. I have been withdrawn, moody and aggravated. If a were a six year old I would have been given a nap and pep talk but I am not six. I always come to the same spot in my journey. I can’t seem to get over this bump in the road. I WON’T allow myself to go over the bump. This path I am struggling to follow would be a lot easier if I would just hear that tiny voice in my soul that says, “you’ve got this. Believe in who you are!” I was watching a movie the other day, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, and it got me thinking. I couldn’t help but feel maybe dieting is like this story line. I have allowed things in my life to steal my lightning. Maybe I have let too many things keep me from my goals. All it takes is one Lotus flower, or something else equally distracting and I leave my path. So I have been asking myself why? Why do I keep avoiding myself?

The thing is I want to be healthy not tiny. I have spent most of my adult years chasing some ideal I don’t really need or want. I hate to say this, but you know I am going to, I think I finally figured out how to be better to myself; by just DOING IT. I need to eat healthier for me not some bullshit ideal I have let fester in my mind all these years. I am not embarrassed my by size. The lies I have told myself repeatedly over the years are just that lies. Things like,” you are unlikely to succeed or I won’t ever be happy or loved or”… a million other peace stealing notions. The time has come for me to just be satisfied with the person I know I am, because I am okay just the way I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!

Recalculating…

How badly do you want it? When I was younger I wanted it so badly I made poor choices and tried crazy things to get it. I bought into the whole parade of elephants. How marvelous you’ll look and feel. How everyone will notice your previously undiscovered beauty. How people will hang on your every word like you are spewing wisdom only your fountain can produce…and it was all horseshit and feathers.

You know what? I guess I don’t want it that badly anymore. All the years I have wasted chasing the perfect body size and for what? I lost weight once so I could have children, then I found out I was barren. Jokes on me. I lost weight so men could think of me more as a woman than a fishing buddy. It took me well into my thirties before someone wanted to tackle my box…PUN INTENDED. Jokes on me; hubby thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. I am tired of chasing that rainbow… take me as I am because I am done.

I always quit. My road is too long. The pain too great, the rewards are not there. But wait…

IMG_20170601_192732

 

…today I popped all the balloons I have been carefully inflating to have at that last pity party.

I have been creating a negative headspace for sometime now. I am angry because I have stopped actively pursuing my weight loss. I have not lost one pound in a YEAR! No, that’s not true;  I have gained and lost the same thirteen pounds for a year. I can see the path I want to be on but I have not been dedicated to reaching my destination. Maybe my GPS is broken? My Pops has been passed away for nearly a year, yet I still catch myself getting ready to go see him at the nursing home. I have something now I haven’t had in a very long while. TIME; I HAVE TIME!!!! So much of it that I am having difficulties filling it with positive things to do. I need to find something to plug into those afternoons that will keep me active, off the couch and engaged with people I enjoy.

I start a vacation very soon. I think I will take that time to make a plan, join a gym, return to program and once and for all cross finish line and start a new journey. Who  needs a perfect body? I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Tantrum VS Truth

Welcome to this heavy weight battle for the championship of self-esteem. In this corner sporting cute Batman shorty pajamas and a new attitude: Truth.  Tough to beat, harder to fight… And in this corner Tantrum wearing an ice cream stained t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs. Her style is messy and unpredictable. Winner, winner chicken dinner? Again!?! with the groceries? Really?

This is proving to be an epic battle of the wills. Will I make healthy choices? Will I eat an entire container of Nutella? Will I keep going to WWs? If you are to buy into the WW weigh(pun)of life they try to make you believe that you can eat anything as long as you figure out the points. *TRUTH ALERT* yeah, not really. Right now I am eating cheese ravioli with cheese sauce, ground beef and hot sausage, because I LIKE IT. Following WWs I can have THIS but in order to fit it into program I should only smell {{{sniff, sniff}}} this and eat something else. Not going to happen. I know there will be no weight loss this week for me. (TANTRUM)

I was fighting the good fight. I was losing weight. I was working hard; and then just like that [snap of my fingers] I stopped. I want to set a goal for myself. I know I need to stop fecking’ around and find my exercise path. I need to re-examine my whys. [TRUTH]

I have allowed myself to fall back into the comfort of being disorganized, unprepared, worn out and worn down. I have been lying to myself that it is okay to overeat all of the tasty foods I can no longer have. All this time and I still fall for all of my old tricks. (TANTRUM)

I know I feel so much more alert and healthy when I make good choices. I am able to do so much more with my day when I am actively taking part in my health. I am a happier person. I enjoy being around the people in my life. I enjoy Feeling Good[TRUTH]

Why do I keep fighting with myself over my same disappointments? (TANTRUM)

What do I really want? I want to walk away from all the crap I have layered across my path. I want to embrace the peace I know I have in my life. I need to trust myself. I know what I am doing; I know what I need to do to be successful. I can do this.[TRUTH]

Bored, deprived, hungry, angry, disappointment…all excuses(TANTRUM)

No one is going to make me do this. I have to figure this it out on my own.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be. I’m not [TRUTH] = )

My Thin…

…Is someone else’s fat.  Not a play on words but the gospel truth. I pretty much took this week off from the weighing, measuring, and giving two Flower pots about mindful eating. I was feeling sorry for myself on Tuesday, no real reason just a foul mood so I have been eating like I just got in a box of fresh rations. Suddenly the light bulb of recognition went off in my head that even though I have lost weight, I am still considered overweight, obese even(from a medical stand point). It frustrates me, so I fought back by not taking care of myself this week! I’ll show me! IMG_20170601_192732 Okay for a while but pity parties are real downers so tonight after one last huzzah I jumped back into the boxcar for the slow ride to The Land of Normal Sizes. There is more work to be done. I have started to think of myself in a new light. I am not fat. I am thinner. Well? I am thinner, than I used to be.

I am in a different space in my head now than I was in the past. I am fully aware of the fact that I alone empower my success or failure. I refuse to give up. I will keep trying. My thin is not your thin and that is ok. I refuse to allow myself to value who I am based on my weight or how I look. I went back to WWs because I wanted to feel healthy again. I wanted to be able to do more than what I have been able to do for myself in a long time.  My headaches are gone. My joints don’t ache as much anymore. My skin is clearer. My moods lighter. I guess my WHYs for losing weight are changing. I need to find new things to focus on so I have something to build into. I am worth all of my efforts good and bad. I know sometimes I am going to give into my bad self and consume mass quantities of junk but I have learned to STOP, REST, and ACCESS, even if it does take me a few days = ).

Commercial break is over. It is time to return to the show….

Never Give UP On Who You Are Meant To Be

Welcome…

outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

New Weigh

I have always held the belief that OVER eating is more than just not knowing when you have had enough of a good thing. For me indulging in the dark arts ( cookies, cakes ) has always been about my fear and anger of handling/not handling my own pain or discomfort. Growing up feeling inadequate with no one to tell me life is a learning curve, that we grow as we grow was tough. When I needed to be comforted and no one was there, food always was. If I was busy stuffing food into my mouth I couldn’t cry about feeling unloved. Food was always on stand by for times when I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or enough of whatever magical ingredient seemed to have not been shipped with my arrival into the world.

Food can not make you happy for long. Just like its calories, it is an empty friend. The only thing it ever truly gives me is heartache. Food can not hold my hand or help me to see that I am strong enough to work my way through the hard times. Food does not build character it tears down whatever small foundation I may have managed to put together. Food has proven to me that I have real weaknesses. It has taught me I can easily be swayed by an over processed smartly wrapped package of nutrient void glob whenever I am trying to avoid myself. Problems do not go away simply because I prefer them to.

I made the choice to get better. I am the only one who can guarantee my success by never giving up on trying to become the best version of myself. I decided to make peace with myself. The road is not always easy to travel but, what an amazing journey I am on.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

Choices

I start my routine in the darkness of early morning. I have been following this particular routine for many years. Sometimes under the guise of wisdom I try to change my set patterns for a new bag of tricks,which in all honesty, is the same routine only with more swearing caused from not applying my new found wisdom correctly. What? ; )  Sometimes I am such a dumbass! Do I get points for stubbornness? Having routines helps me to stay on point. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself grumbling over being bored. Routines can be so mundane… I fall out of love with having order where once there was chaos. Silly right? Everybody wants peace but if Peace and I go steady too long I get antsy. That is why I created cheat day. It can only happen once in a while and I can’t waste a cheat on something I could have everyday. You know like going hog wild and ordering croutons with my salad. Really? That’s all you got?

No! What I mean is that I allow myself to do or have something I really want. I won’t give into the dark thoughts that swim in the recesses of my mind. Those thoughts try to undermine my success by throwing guilt at the windows. Screw that! I think I have finally learned that it is ok to have a treat every once in a while as long as I stop and ask myself first, “Is this what you really want? or are you needing something else? like validation? or a hug? or some new pants?” Turns out sometimes I am not really looking for something to eat. I am looking for a nap, or a hug or clothes that fit.This morning while I was trying to decide if I should wear a pair of pants that fit or wear the baggier pants, I realized something. It feels great (wonderful and inspiring) to have more choices. Instead of trying to figure out what I am still able to squeeze myself into I have to figure out what won’t fall down around my ankles. It’s a nice choice to have!

This time around the Sound I have approached my weight loss efforts in a totally different way. I’ve changed my routine. I have not bought ONE frozen prepared entrée. I have made a lunch everyday. I have made better fruit and vegetable choices. I have been more patient with myself. I no longer hide my eating; instead I have expressed my needs and fears to my hubby. I am not obsessing over every ounce that I consume. I am having fun. I bought a Jawbone just so I could see if I can beat my own steps from the previous day. When I make a choice to eat something that is off the “grid” I try to leave a few bites behind. THIS IS HUGE for me. I was raised with the thought that leaving something leftover on your plate was not being thankful for what you were given. Horse pucky! It is my educated choice about the non nutritional value of that double dipped, chocolate swirl, caramel sticky bun surrounded with nuts, gooey heaven on my plate.  I only really want you because I am tired or stressed or any other myriad of excuses. It is okay to just have a taste. I can live without you BUN of DOOM! I’d much rather enjoy my new way of living than hang out with you anyway.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Words on a Wednesday

Every step I take brings me closer to my destination. I love the summer months.Summer brings longer days, brighter skies, adventure, BBQs, baseball, the heat, thunderstorms and humidity =(    I hate humid days. It curls my hair and my mood. I feel like Velcro. I fish through my clothes searching for the most breathable fabrics I own. Any type of real activity leaves you feeling like a moist towelette you get from a fried chicken place. YUCK! but it’s Summer… so suck it up Buttercup!

When Summer slips into the months of August and the earliest parts of September I start dreading the coming Fall. I hate this part of summer. It is the time when I start taking inventory of what I have that fits versus what I have that I have grown out of. My recent past has been spent in turmoil over the things that I grew way to fluffy to squeeze into. I mean who doesn’t love a nosh at a family BBQ? or ice cream every weekend? even if it is at the expense( or expanse )of your waist line and your health?

This summer I am in the same exact situation but from a different perspective.  I have been eating healthier, making the best choices I can. I have lost enough weight that most of my “go to” line of clothes floats on me. Oh no, I need clothes. I hate to shop. I am bad at it. Worry, anxiety, stress, tears … this moment is being interrupted by a feeling I have inside me that says, “it’s okay, you are doing great things for yourself. This is not a race. This is your life, live it on your terms.” I have taken inventory in my closets and dressers. I have clothes that I can wear. There will be no unplanned nudity from wardrobe malfunction.  My hard work is beginning to pay off. I am learning to enjoy the fact that my clothes feel better against my skin. I no longer feel like I am being held hostage by my underwear. There is no pinching or bunching at the seams from any of my clothing.  YEAH ME!

It has been a really long time since I have felt this relaxed in my own skin = )  Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Anyone want to go shopping?

What’s IT Worth?

Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )