Tag: health

Love Handles

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I was thinking in the shower this morning, while I was shaving my legs of all things, that lately I feel like my love handles have turned into carry-on luggage.

It is no big secret that I jumped off my wagon and pushed that bitch right off a cliff but the time has come for me to get back to the journey at hand. This morning I woke up with a feeling that there is a fast approaching corner that I am speeding into. I need a new wagon. I need to start managing my health in a different way.

Hockey starts next month and then in short order, my anger becomes a problem, for me. I turn this misplaced disappointment in on myself. I sulk, I feel sorry for myself, and then I eat things no serious diabetic should. I feel trapped by something that is not my passion. The days get shorter as well as my temper. I say hurtful things, sometimes to the people I love the most. Hockey and all things pursuant of hockey is my hubster’s passion, not mine.  His full on zest for hockey has killed all of the like I once held for this sport. Every year I promise myself not to sit at the booster club table and eat the candy…every year that promise lasts maybe ten minutes. I will not do this to myself this year.

If you really read my blog and not just “like” it to be nice, you know that I often say never under estimate what you mean to someone. I am always surprised when someone from WWs reaches out to me and asks how I have been or why I have stopped going or the level of kindness that is shown to me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I really like the back and forth when I am at a meeting. I have met many amazing people. I make them laugh, they make me think. I just wish the corporate side of WWs would stop reinventing their program EVERY YEAR! We all know that if you eat twice as much as you need, you will weigh twice as much as you should! I am always the one I hurt the most when I give up on myself. It is time I start to believe in what I am capable of again. I miss feeling wonderful, healthy, and alive!

I have been wanting to return for some time now but have lacked the faith in myself to overcome my fear of failure. Failure is a great teacher, even if she is a bitch to live with. Failure has taught me that I have the strength to try again. I am more than I think I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

 

 

muffintop
A movie? Seriously? 
muffin-top-baking-cups-2
muffin top anyone?

 

Friday Night Exhaustion

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I finally put it down for the night. My feet and lower legs are beginning to swell. I know because I feel tight in my own skin. I hate the way my feet feel at the end of a long day of chasing my own tail at work. Concrete is my harsh reality. It gives a person all sorts of grand things to complain about: leg pain, foot pain, back pain, shin splints. It is no joke.

I log about 12,000 steps a day at work. Pretty impressive for an old lady who is overweight. Fall is fast approaching and I need (want?) to be able to wear pants but I have outgrown most of the ones I own, again! I am tired of being tired. The Summer’s end will be here before I have any real time to adjust. I have a physical with my primary care physician coming up in October that I want to cancel. I know it comes with advice and judgment and self loathing. I have had just about enough of the self-hate. The photos of my life show me as I am FLUFFY. I have been in some sort of a fluff state since fifth grade. I am trying to unlearn bad habits still. I no longer have the desire to be thin and beautiful. I will settle for just being beautiful! I hope that is enough because that is all I have left to give. I want my good health.  It won’t happen if I keep exposing myself to dangerous elements.

I long to move onto other things beside my angst over eating healthy. I mean I have angst about wrinkles and grey hair and oh let’s not forget about the fact that as I sit here aging at an alarming rate my skin is beginning to get crepe-y, eww. crepeyskin

Getting older is not for the timid. I refuse to let it keep me from being in my life any longer. I have been in a dark space since late last year, October I am guessing. I felt like my attempt at weight loss had become more of a burden than it was worth. There was no fun or spontaneity! I don’t think I was ready for how much effort and determination there really is to accomplishing any lasting results. It had taken me a full year to lose just sixty pounds. I was angry. It seemed laborious and valueless. In my anger I forgot how good I was feeling, health wise.

I started to obsess about every little thing I put into my mouth (NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT PROCESS!!!!) and I felt like once again I was becoming about what I eat. Can I be happy today? I ate well yesterday! so yes! Can I go to the movies? I ate well all week! so yes!?! REalLy? I think this was my WTF moment. So in my usual fashion I just stopped caring about trying to do the right thing for me; which brings me to now… I have not actively been to WWs for months. The corporate WW mantra of POINT FREE foods (food with NO consequences) is a bold faced lie that is plied onto the hopes of people who struggle to lose weight when the focus should be about fixing your well being. TRUTH ALERT!  It is all about balance. I will be going back to my WWs meeting, for my friends I made there and because of the leader. They have helped me be a better version of myself way more than any corporate mantra ever has.

This time next Friday I will be on vacation from everything for 9 glorious days! I need some time to just be quiet. I have taken up the reins again. No more obsessing. I am better than that. I want more than that. I know not facing something now doesn’t mean I don’t face it. Life has a way of slapping you when you need it most but want it least.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

And So The Story Goes…

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… Once upon a time in the Woo there lived a malcontent that went by the name of  Didi(disappointed damsel in distress). Okay, so maybe there are three Ds but did you really think I was going to call myself the girl with the Triple Ds? Not going to do it, nope.

I have had a very interesting July/August so far. I have made myself get out into the world for Saturday adventures with people in and around my life. It has RAINED every single trip. I must say that all of my companions have been great sports about the weird weather. The question is, what am I looking for? Why do I feel the need to chase peace? I am trying to have fun hitting some of my favorite spots with new people and exploring new places with companions I have adventured with before. Why does it feel like I am just going through the motions? When will I start to feel the wonder, the excitement, the rush of adrenaline from the unknown variables that make adventures enjoyable? Do you know the feeling I am talking about? It’s that child like awe of Christmas mornings, that intangible feeling of awesomeness from the things, the sights, the smells all around you.

It begins as it always does with the mere glimmer in my thoughts that I can do better, that I can be better. I am slowly returning to myself. I let myself get too caught up in the WWs mantra and lost me on the way. I am back on my journey. I am trying to make healthier food choices. I know what I am doing. I just have to believe I can do it. Hell, I have been doing this since I was in my 20s. I had zero confidence when I was younger. No belief in my own power. I felt at odds. There are no established rules about growing into the amazing person you are meant to be. It comes with self acceptance, friends that love you, people in your life who get you, and a glimmer of light that comes from your soul. Remember  just because you are able to recognize the beauty in others does not mean you are good at recognizing it in yourselves! I have always made the mistake that my beauty is less than someone else’s, which is an untruth. My beauty is uniquely mine.

I have truly been blessed and foolishly I have been wasting so much time feeling unworthy. Every time I embrace who I know I am, I am better. I do better. I believe in myself. It is my inability or my unwillingness to let go of my anger that harms me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I really need to break off from this toxic relationship. Yo, Anger it’s been real but you and me, we have to go our separate ways. I know you think you are protecting me but it’s a lie I like to trick myself into believing.

 

I face tomorrow with a renewed hope in myself. This time I will hold on so I can see what is on the other side of the rainbow. Never Give Up On The Person You Are meant To BE!

life-quote

I Stayed Too Long, I Strayed Too Far

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The time has come to pick up the pieces of my life once again, pull up my big girl panties and continue on from where I left the ride. The sad reoccurring theme to my life, the never ending cycle of circular logic. I EAT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY, I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I AM DISAPPOINTED. I FEEL SAD FOR FAILING, I AM SAD SO I EAT WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY WHICH MAKES ME EAT… it never ends.

I guess the real question should be why? Why do I always stop myself from completing my journey. When did I decide I had to “fix” myself? I don’t  know but I was a young girl possibly second or third grade. I think that would have put me in the eight years of age range. I am so tired of not being enough for myself. I am a good person. I like to think I am the type of human you might want to hang with. I have excellent communication skills. I love to laugh. I love with my whole being. I am tender hearted. Jeez zus ! I sound like an ad for a shelter animal. “Trish is a sweet old girl who is good around people. She is potty trained. She would do well in any home situation…”
 
I need to STOP trying to fix myself, relax, be in my life the way I want to be. I would love to move onto the next phase of my life’s journey. You know what phase I am talking about? That place in your psyche where you finally feel at home with yourself? Boldly facing the world and its haters;  telling them to go fuck themselves. I don’t need to change! I am beginning to realize that sitting through every WW meeting waiting to learn something new about food and its role in my life is foolish. Food is my drug of choice. Meeting or no the only true way out of this hell I live with is to work through it. No shortcuts, no lying to myself, no eating crap like I am a kid at a candy store.

Learn to alter my behavior for once not my clothes. Live through and experience all of it; the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, the joy, the exuberance, the love. I wasn’t kidding when I told you that while I may wander from my place in line, I will never leave the parade until the last float crosses the finish line.Dr.Seuss

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE.   = )

 

 

Piss and Moan Club…

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…T shirts are now available in the main lobby. Thank you for shopping at Get Over Yourself and have a pleasant day.

I have been feeling sorry for myself since June, maybe earlier. I have not been willing to address what is bothering me. I guess until now, Thanksgiving of all times, ironic much? Maybe it is just that I know I am hitting those magic years of menopause. I cry now for no real reason. That’s a new feeling for me. Almost like passing gas but I get no relief. Some days I feel like a gigantic sack of nonspecific, unwanted sorrow. I have been withdrawn, moody and aggravated. If a were a six year old I would have been given a nap and pep talk but I am not six. I always come to the same spot in my journey. I can’t seem to get over this bump in the road. I WON’T allow myself to go over the bump. This path I am struggling to follow would be a lot easier if I would just hear that tiny voice in my soul that says, “you’ve got this. Believe in who you are!” I was watching a movie the other day, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, and it got me thinking. I couldn’t help but feel maybe dieting is like this story line. I have allowed things in my life to steal my lightning. Maybe I have let too many things keep me from my goals. All it takes is one Lotus flower, or something else equally distracting and I leave my path. So I have been asking myself why? Why do I keep avoiding myself?

The thing is I want to be healthy not tiny. I have spent most of my adult years chasing some ideal I don’t really need or want. I hate to say this, but you know I am going to, I think I finally figured out how to be better to myself; by just DOING IT. I need to eat healthier for me not some bullshit ideal I have let fester in my mind all these years. I am not embarrassed my by size. The lies I have told myself repeatedly over the years are just that lies. Things like,” you are unlikely to succeed or I won’t ever be happy or loved or”… a million other peace stealing notions. The time has come for me to just be satisfied with the person I know I am, because I am okay just the way I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!

Recalculating…

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How badly do you want it? When I was younger I wanted it so badly I made poor choices and tried crazy things to get it. I bought into the whole parade of elephants. How marvelous you’ll look and feel. How everyone will notice your previously undiscovered beauty. How people will hang on your every word like you are spewing wisdom only your fountain can produce…and it was all horseshit and feathers.

You know what? I guess I don’t want it that badly anymore. All the years I have wasted chasing the perfect body size and for what? I lost weight once so I could have children, then I found out I was barren. Jokes on me. I lost weight so men could think of me more as a woman than a fishing buddy. It took me well into my thirties before someone wanted to tackle my box…PUN INTENDED. Jokes on me; hubby thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. I am tired of chasing that rainbow… take me as I am because I am done.

I always quit. My road is too long. The pain too great, the rewards are not there. But wait…

IMG_20170601_192732

 

…today I popped all the balloons I have been carefully inflating to have at that last pity party.

I have been creating a negative headspace for sometime now. I am angry because I have stopped actively pursuing my weight loss. I have not lost one pound in a YEAR! No, that’s not true;  I have gained and lost the same thirteen pounds for a year. I can see the path I want to be on but I have not been dedicated to reaching my destination. Maybe my GPS is broken? My Pops has been passed away for nearly a year, yet I still catch myself getting ready to go see him at the nursing home. I have something now I haven’t had in a very long while. TIME; I HAVE TIME!!!! So much of it that I am having difficulties filling it with positive things to do. I need to find something to plug into those afternoons that will keep me active, off the couch and engaged with people I enjoy.

I start a vacation very soon. I think I will take that time to make a plan, join a gym, return to program and once and for all cross finish line and start a new journey. Who  needs a perfect body? I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Tantrum VS Truth

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Welcome to this heavy weight battle for the championship of self-esteem. In this corner sporting cute Batman shorty pajamas and a new attitude: Truth.  Tough to beat, harder to fight… And in this corner Tantrum wearing an ice cream stained t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs. Her style is messy and unpredictable. Winner, winner chicken dinner? Again!?! with the groceries? Really?

This is proving to be an epic battle of the wills. Will I make healthy choices? Will I eat an entire container of Nutella? Will I keep going to WWs? If you are to buy into the WW weigh(pun)of life they try to make you believe that you can eat anything as long as you figure out the points. *TRUTH ALERT* yeah, not really. Right now I am eating cheese ravioli with cheese sauce, ground beef and hot sausage, because I LIKE IT. Following WWs I can have THIS but in order to fit it into program I should only smell {{{sniff, sniff}}} this and eat something else. Not going to happen. I know there will be no weight loss this week for me. (TANTRUM)

I was fighting the good fight. I was losing weight. I was working hard; and then just like that [snap of my fingers] I stopped. I want to set a goal for myself. I know I need to stop fecking’ around and find my exercise path. I need to re-examine my whys. [TRUTH]

I have allowed myself to fall back into the comfort of being disorganized, unprepared, worn out and worn down. I have been lying to myself that it is okay to overeat all of the tasty foods I can no longer have. All this time and I still fall for all of my old tricks. (TANTRUM)

I know I feel so much more alert and healthy when I make good choices. I am able to do so much more with my day when I am actively taking part in my health. I am a happier person. I enjoy being around the people in my life. I enjoy Feeling Good[TRUTH]

Why do I keep fighting with myself over my same disappointments? (TANTRUM)

What do I really want? I want to walk away from all the crap I have layered across my path. I want to embrace the peace I know I have in my life. I need to trust myself. I know what I am doing; I know what I need to do to be successful. I can do this.[TRUTH]

Bored, deprived, hungry, angry, disappointment…all excuses(TANTRUM)

No one is going to make me do this. I have to figure this it out on my own.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be. I’m not [TRUTH] = )

My Thin…

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…Is someone else’s fat.  Not a play on words but the gospel truth. I pretty much took this week off from the weighing, measuring, and giving two Flower pots about mindful eating. I was feeling sorry for myself on Tuesday, no real reason just a foul mood so I have been eating like I just got in a box of fresh rations. Suddenly the light bulb of recognition went off in my head that even though I have lost weight, I am still considered overweight, obese even(from a medical stand point). It frustrates me, so I fought back by not taking care of myself this week! I’ll show me! IMG_20170601_192732 Okay for a while but pity parties are real downers so tonight after one last huzzah I jumped back into the boxcar for the slow ride to The Land of Normal Sizes. There is more work to be done. I have started to think of myself in a new light. I am not fat. I am thinner. Well? I am thinner, than I used to be.

I am in a different space in my head now than I was in the past. I am fully aware of the fact that I alone empower my success or failure. I refuse to give up. I will keep trying. My thin is not your thin and that is ok. I refuse to allow myself to value who I am based on my weight or how I look. I went back to WWs because I wanted to feel healthy again. I wanted to be able to do more than what I have been able to do for myself in a long time.  My headaches are gone. My joints don’t ache as much anymore. My skin is clearer. My moods lighter. I guess my WHYs for losing weight are changing. I need to find new things to focus on so I have something to build into. I am worth all of my efforts good and bad. I know sometimes I am going to give into my bad self and consume mass quantities of junk but I have learned to STOP, REST, and ACCESS, even if it does take me a few days = ).

Commercial break is over. It is time to return to the show….

Never Give UP On Who You Are Meant To Be

think,think,think
put yourself first
taking a different path
soul shine

Welcome…

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outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

New Weigh

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I have always held the belief that OVER eating is more than just not knowing when you have had enough of a good thing. For me indulging in the dark arts ( cookies, cakes ) has always been about my fear and anger of handling/not handling my own pain or discomfort. Growing up feeling inadequate with no one to tell me life is a learning curve, that we grow as we grow was tough. When I needed to be comforted and no one was there, food always was. If I was busy stuffing food into my mouth I couldn’t cry about feeling unloved. Food was always on stand by for times when I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or enough of whatever magical ingredient seemed to have not been shipped with my arrival into the world.

Food can not make you happy for long. Just like its calories, it is an empty friend. The only thing it ever truly gives me is heartache. Food can not hold my hand or help me to see that I am strong enough to work my way through the hard times. Food does not build character it tears down whatever small foundation I may have managed to put together. Food has proven to me that I have real weaknesses. It has taught me I can easily be swayed by an over processed smartly wrapped package of nutrient void glob whenever I am trying to avoid myself. Problems do not go away simply because I prefer them to.

I made the choice to get better. I am the only one who can guarantee my success by never giving up on trying to become the best version of myself. I decided to make peace with myself. The road is not always easy to travel but, what an amazing journey I am on.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE