…is over! It’s official. The shiny newness of this lifestyle change that I have undertaken has worn off. The holiday season didn’t help much either. Well meaning people that foolishly think that in order to be in good cheer you must be over served, over hors d’oeuvred, over fed, and overwhelmed. Enough! I have had enough. When I started this ten months ago it was because I was living in the danger zone again. I left WWs on my own in 2008 thinking that I had conquered myself and my need to overfeed my demons. WRONG!
The only thing I successfully did was LIE to myself about my motives and my sadness. Addiction is the shittiest thing you can do to yourself. It is like one long bad date you wouldn’t let your best friend suffer through but you are going to take it on and WIN! All lies. I hate myself for all of the things that I think I should be able to control and can’t. I hate myself for not being perfect. I hate myself because it is easier than love.
No surprise but I did not enjoy my time off from work or the holiday season. Surrounded by people, none of them mine = ( my first Christmas on my own. Yes, it is all on me. I chose not to be happy. Being content in your life takes work. My character flaw. There is no greater actress than the one who is bad at pretending to be happy. I wanted to sit on the floor of my closet with the doors closed and wail about all that I have lost. No one wants to see a clown cry but often the funniest person in the room hides the most tears. It amazes me that after all of my years of self inflicted ED injury I am still drawn to it in times of distress. Feed a soul that is hungry. What is it I hunger for?
The honeymoon may be over but my journey is not. I absolutely refuse to give in. My journey got harder because I put a roadblock up. I got complacent and a little bored. I sat down late last night. Angry and disappointed in how I have been treating myself, I decided to stop, rest, and access my situation. What do I need to change in order to achieve my goal? The answer is always the same, my mind set. Accepting my truths, ugly sweater and all, works for me. Don’t buy food you can not trust yourself to be left alone with. Don’t even, just stop .
I can not eat sugar. I am a diabetic. It is a health risk for me. Sugar is not my friend. I am weak in its presence. I am unable to stop myself once I allow myself to partake of its sweetness. I am like a thirsty sponge in search of rain. I will eat and eat and eat until I make myself sick. It adds inches to my waistline and anger to an already sad soul. I am glad this holiday season is drawing to a close. For me, there is comfort in structure, odd but true.
I just had the courage to buy the bucket, now I need to make my list. Live your life! Spring is coming and adventure season will be here before I know it = )
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be, I’m Not!
Life is about fluctuations. My weight fluctuates. My mood fluctuates. My interests. Think of something in your life and ask yourself if everything is the same as it has always been. I am betting not. I am on hiatus from my job until the very beginnings of the new year. I want to take this time to sit down, devote some serious time to writing and get back to my calm place. I missed WWs last Saturday. I have been struggling the last few weeks and while the scale has been kind to me; I have not been kind to myself. I have come to realize that I need to get to a meeting at least once a week. For myself to keep me on track, to keep my head in the game because it holds the best chance of success for me.
I find that when I am completely honest with myself and the people in my life I do better for myself. No more hiding my truth or going along to make someone else happy. It doesn’t mean that my truth needs to be your truth; it is mine and mine alone. I am unwilling to give up on myself. I have been donating the clothes that I no longer fit into. I would love to have a new wardrobe of pretty things. I have spent a good portion of my life dressed as a line backer. Someday my dream is to wear a dress without Spanks to smooth my line = ).
I know that when I get on that scale tomorrow it will show that I have not lost. It will be right. I have not lost; I am winning! I am winning because this time I am not afraid to say I need help. This time I am not afraid of the “what ifs”. This time I want to be a better version of me. This time I am not willing to take less than my best effort. I am a survivor!
I am beautiful. I am strong. My ED will not run my life anymore! I am the boss!
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be
As I sit to write this I realize that this is my eighth week on program. The time seems to have flown by. I am amazed by how much more alert, happy and full of energy I am. Don’t get me wrong I have struggled. Some days I struggle to hold it together all day long. I am not good at dealing with anger in a positive way. I have spent most of my life avoiding the emotional repercussions of anger. The more I try NOT to own a disappointment the larger that dress(anger is just disappointment in an ugly dress) becomes both emotionally and physically. The more effort I put into avoiding how I feel the more likely I am to calm those raw feelings with food.
I have been trying to choose better ways to deal with the things that cause me to get aggravated, frustrated, put out and worn down. I blog. I go for a walk. I call my bestie. I plan out summer field trips and adventures. I window shop for smaller clothing. Odd how a little honesty goes a long way. Some times I manage to talk myself out from under a bad mood or a bad day, sometimes not. What I’m learning is it is okay to get angry as long as I don’t allow that anger to control how I treat myself or other people.
I am beginning to notice my size is changing for the smaller. It is a wonderful, joyous feeling to put on a piece of clothing and realize it fits better. I actually have a little more moving around room. My shirts are getting longer in length as there is less of me to cover. I missed that feeling of accomplishment. It is a nice change to shout “Atta girl” out loud in my mind instead of the dark mutterings I used to actually listen too. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. You got this! Atta Girl!