Minute by Minute

What!?! Today was one of those days. You know the kind of day I am talking about. Everyone you talk to or run into is in a mood. C’mon people Monday happens every week. By now you should know what to expect but somehow some of you are still surprised by what you have left over or left undone from Friday. No need to be grumpy! That is why we have Tuesdays!

I had my own pile of craptastic things to deal with today not to mention I forgot how HANGRY I can get when I am trying to make my next “first” week back the most amazing week ever! All day today I was entertaining the feed thoughts. Someone would comment on the time, I would be thinking, “I need something crunchy and salty”. I was at a meeting I swear I could smell roasted chicken. Thoughts of stuffing my face just as soon as I walked into the house from work. No I didn’t, I had coffee. Yeah, disappointed too but I promised myself I would get back to me and so I am struggling but I am TRYING to do better and that has to count for something…I don’t know? maybe a cookie? No I am just joking.

Getting back into the swing of things sometimes means minute by minute conversations with myself about my whys. whyMy whys can change daily.  One thing remains constant my desire to do better for myself because I am worth the work.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Reign, rein, rain

Reign  : to rule over
Rein    : a restraining influence, power to direct or determine
Rain    : condensed moisture of the atmosphere falling visibly in separate drops. A large or overwhelming quantity of things that fall or descend.

I HATE rain. Listen, I know it is good for the earth, the soil, flowers… blah, blAH, BLAH! It washes away the bird poop on my Jeep, the earth worms are swimming in it, and my socks are wet.  Thank the higher being for RAIN! Well, if you don’t mind;  Hell, even if you do mind, I will sit this round out. The sky cries and I want to cry right along with it. How is it that I have gotten to this golden age of I should know better and yet I find myself struggling today to make the good choices. I wanted to sleep today for the entire day but… life has needs.

I feel like I am in a Snickers Bar® commercial. Crabby and out of sorts. Unhappy and argumentative.

So… I ate but I wasn’t hungry for food. I am hungry for satisfaction. When will I be satisfied will what I have, with who I am? with the man I married? WHEN? There will never be a singing career, there will be no fantastic voyages, there will never be any children. Once upon a time I had big dreams of being more than the small insignificant life I lead. All gone like dust in the wind… I wonder if anyone else ever feels this sad when it is raining. Or is it just me?

To go outside I need to wrap myself in plastic wrap to avoid the unavoidable soggy that will invade every available warm dry spot. My hair will curl and frizz, my mood sinks lower and lower. I know in the place where I keep my truths I am in that lovely phase right before my cycle. I become a roller coaster of emotion. Medical professionals call them mood swings. Trust me when I warn you there are days I have to be careful not to swing at your head with a metal folding chair. I know in three to five days this level of sadness will dissipate and I will once again be Fragging Happy Poppins, Mary Poppins’ crazed half sibling, but until then I can’t stand myself or the rain or people.

Rant Over

What should I learn from this? Weather does not really reign over how I am feeling about myself or life. It is just a convenient excuse for me. I alone have the power to rein in how I handle my emotions and last but still overwhelming; my hatred for rain has not diminished one skosh since childhood. I was having several bad moments so I decided to make them into a frosted cupcake, lesson learned, mischief managed. MOVE ON!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Less Points!

Is there a point? to this madness!?

I thought it was tough before. I was SO wrong. The everyday reality of what I have chosen is sinking in. The longer I am on program the harder it becomes. Every time I lose ten pounds I also lose a point. At the beginning of this journey it was very hard to get all of my points eaten. Some nights carried a surplus and I while I had moments of hunger, I could manage it. Now my points pool is shrinking. There is less room for error. I move more. I make better choices. I have given up sugar. I am hungry. I am not happy. Some days I do not want to eat one more leaf of lettuce. Some days I want butter on my toast.

What’s the point? My point? I have been trying so hard to be good, I stopped having fun. My efforts have started to feel like a chore. I hate chores. Time has come for me to relax my grip on what the scale may or may not say and have a piece of BUTTERED toast once in a while. I won’t die. I won’t put weight back on. Maybe I will be less grumpy. Maybe I will start to have fun again. Winter is my toughest challenge. I hate that the days feel longer with less LIGHT. I need to dig deep just to survive this. I can do it.

I am also wiser than I was before. I will not quit. I am not be walking away. The last time I did that I racked up the pounds. The negative voices lulled me into a false sense of “It’ll be okay. You can fix it tomorrow.” This time I am not listening to that nonsense. This time I am holding onto this like a squirrel with its prize. I will not let go. I will figure it out. I will.


Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be