Rolling Stone

Sisyphus lives

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

The Wonder Of It All

Have you ever just sit some place quiet and wonder about things? The place you choose doesn’t need to be fancy or even beautiful but it does have to offer or reflect a sense of calm. Well, it does for me at least. Lately I have been trying to figure out where in my timeline I swerved off my path. Not all changes that come to a life are planned or meaningful or meant to cause you pain. Once again I find myself at a rotary in my travels and I am not sure if I should take the second right or merge left.

I never hide or run from the fact that I can be a hot mess. “Normal” is a bullshit state of mind created by people who are unable or unwilling to admit that everybody struggles, themselves included. Sad for them because these types of people tend to keep themselves apart from others. They come off as aloof when in reality we, ( the divine inhabitants of the pool of hot messness ) scare the shit out of them or embarrass them or just plain make them feel uncomfortable, awkward.

The story of my life. I am okay with it, all of it. My life right now is in a state of flux. I think it may have started before I was forced to “see’ the changes around me but here I am. I am making waves with a new sense of who I am and what I am willing to “put up with”. I finally feel like I can stand on my own. No validation necessary. There are times however, when I miss what once was. I recently felt a surge of the happiness and good news vibe. It is an amazing feeling that makes you want to pick up the phone to call or text your BFF right away. It lingered only a moment but it happened. I am no longer a part of their lives. I allowed myself to feel unhappy for a touch of time and then put those negative thoughts away. Never waste time stirring an empty pot. I am loving where I am right now in my journey of discovery: new people, new challenges, passports, school, tour guide…my possibilities are endless.

Impossible!?

or is it I’m possible? Sometimes the things we want to accomplish in life are near impossible to obtain. Things and situations we feel we need in our lives can seem out of our reach: the perfect job, the perfect spouse, THE HOUSE of our dreams, the gaggle of cool friends. It can all be yours. You just have to believe in yourself, that your dreams are possible, and…then WORK your ass off to achieve your goals. I mean, sure, maybe there is no such thing as a perfect spouse but love eventually finds its way to most people. It can feel like perfection if the chemistry is right and both players are not ass hats. I never wanted perfect just someone to love; to love what we made together (our life), and to accept that our road might have twists, turns, adventures, and a never ending supply of sarcasm. I am thankful we both have jobs (far from perfect), we eventually bought a house we both love (not the dream house) and we have some pretty amazing friends.

Right now as I sit in my office waxing on, I can hear my Mr. Right yelling, “shoot the puck!” at his computer. I never used to believe in finding a Mr. Right but rather a “Mr. You’ll Do For Now” as I always seemed to get whoever was left! over. Funny how life surprised me, how it keeps on surprising me. I know he is watching or listening to a hockey game. He is in his happy zone even if it doesn’t always sound that way. I am happy, drinking coffee, planning adventures for the up coming summer season and feeling that my “dreams” are possible. It is possible for me to? do whatever I set my mind to.

Letting go of something that doesn’t fit into my life anymore is hard for me but I am getting to a better place about it everyday. Change what you can when you must. Accept that which is unacceptable. Acceptance is the key to becoming a better version of yourself.

Food for thought? One cannot unfry an egg nor can One drink from an empty cup.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

It Began With A Tear

It came from a song. I have the hardest time singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” It is not because I don’t know the words or that I can’t carry a tune. This is a song about longing, wanting something, or someone or an event that for some reason you can not have. Or maybe you once had it and now it is gone. Or say as in my case I believe it is where I will someday see the face of my kid sister, long since passed away, waiting for me on the other side of this life. Every time I start this song, I stop myself. I feel my emotion catch in my throat. I feel small, alone, and abandoned. A friend asked me today why I never finish this song. For the first time in a long time I told someone why.

I am a broken soul. Most days with a little flair and a jingle or two most people don’t see through the cloud of smoke I lay out. Loss of a loved one is the toughest things that we as survivors have to live with. Tears spill because love cannot be kept. Sometimes all of that love that I am trying so desperately to contain breaks free from my heart and rolls down my cheek. Love

I never realized until today how often I don’t finish this song. This song reminds me of what once was but is no longer. It is a wish, a dream, a fear, a hope, a wanting. It is beautiful. It is haunting. It makes me happy on a good day and crushes me on a bad day. I have a habit of singing in public without invitation. My quirk, my passion, my link to sanity. I promise you that I can sing. I sometimes embarrass the people I am with but singing makes my soul feel alive. If I can make one other person’s life better even for just a span of a moment I feel like maybe I am seen, that what I do matters, that I have a reason to be. For a very long time after my sister died, I felt empty. Singing changes my aura and fixes my broken.

I try to go somewhere every Saturday. I must start this song every adventure and leave it mid verse. Somewhere in the presence of my own grief I forgot that this song means other things to different people. It is not my song and if I am going to start out on this journey I need to get to the end of the yellow brick road. So live like no one is watching, love with everything you have, make those memories and finish your song.

Life’s Twist…

of Fate put you on my path. There is this saying about people being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. One day a window of new possibilities opened and a gentle breeze blew in stirring the stagnant land. YOU were that breeze, an unexpected wonderful surprise. The moment I met you I felt that you landed on the wrong shore. A creature of rare beauty. Sometimes as people we forget that beauty isn’t always about a wrapper. Beauty is as much about the packaging as it is about the gift.

I want to thank you for “seeing” me. You are one of the lucky few that knows me without the façade of protection I throw up around me. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me think. You let me worry about you, you let me be your friend, you let me take care of you with a kindness or two. You let me into your world and for that I am a better version of myself. You were never meant to stay for more than a season. This time I found a piece of my soul that I thought I had lost to the sorrows of my past. Smooth now like sea glass the harsh edges refined into wisdom. I am sad to see you leave but it is your chance to spread your wings and fly.

.

I am grateful to the universe for swinging your life’s journey through mine and even though we now travel on separate paths please know that I am always right where you can find me. Once there was a Raven…

Like A Hurricane

Once upon a time I was aging away from being considered young when I started dating my future (still mine) husband. I was the girl who was never going to get a guy, let alone marry one! It is almost 4 a.m., today marks that day in time when I wore a very large white dress and he donned a smart tuxedo. He waited for me at the altar. My Dad proudly walked me down the aisle, where he let me start a new life with the man that I love, and together we jumped into the abyss of married life. I was mentally so young and immature about love, all that it truly means. I was blinded by hope and a false sense of jubilation that I always thought would be there. Loving someone you are not related to is the TOUGHEST job in the world. It is not meant for the faint of heart. LOVE is the best gift you will ever get. LOVE is the best gift you can give, always, as it never misses its target audience, it comes in the right color and size. Love has its own energy by the sheer magic of awe it will continue to spread its good vibes. It is the toughest thing to let go of. Its strength can carry you over mountains. The truly blessed carry LOVE with them until the end of days.

Twenty-five, 20 + 5, 25! I deserve a medal! No. All joking aside I am proud of my younger self for believing that I was enough just as I was to be loved. Choosing to let love into a life comes with a whole caravan of FEELS I was just not prepared for. There is RUSH, that emboldened fool that swells with awkward emotions like squee, childish joy, exuberance. There is Hope. I like her but sometimes she shines so bright I wish she came with a dimmer switch. FAITH, is a quiet creature. I have learned over the years to just accept what she is trying to teach me. Believe in the hereafter, believe in your journey, believe in yourself, believe in a higher being, just believe. HATE, this chick is just too intense for me, Every time we hang out she tries to ruin my life. I try NOT to see her as often as possible. Even now sometimes I find her lurking in the shadows waiting for her chance to jump at the tiniest of sparks. Her main hag is ANGER. I really dislike when these two are at the kitchen table together cooking up a scheme. Anger is just DISSAPPOINTMENT in an ugly dress. Over the years I have learned that their relationships are not healthy for me to hold onto if I want my relationships to be OKAY.

My hubster walked into my life and changed every single thing about life I thought was set in stone. BECAUSE of him I know I am wanted. I am loved. I am beautiful in a way that transcends looks. I am so much more than I ever imagined I could be. He once said to me that he knew I had built a wall around my soul to protect myself from getting HURT but he was smart enough to walk to the edge and peer in through the cracks in my foundation to see the beauty contained within. He had me at peered in through my cracks(pun intended)LOL. Our relationship has its ups and downs, all great rides do. There has been doubt of concept. There have been failed attempts at being parents. There have been times of despair. There has been loss. There has always been US, him and I . I love him like a hurricane.

Love the people in your life EVERY DAY is a GIFT. I am grateful for every day I am given. Anticipation is the most under rated emotion. Life is like a lottery ticket. Sometimes one just has to scratch the surface to find the prize inside.

I am, am I?

Life is a strange journey. Last June I decided to stop being an ass, embrace my inner thin chick, make an unquiet peace with her, and try to get back to the business of losing weight so I can keep my good health. OH MY GAWD what was I not thinking? It has been a frustrating, sad, heart wrenching time in the world. Some days so filled with fear, apprehension and uncertainty that I can easily become anxious about every little thing. Yeah I know, preach. I am finding it very difficult to stay in the moment, to enjoy the peace that surrounds me.

A few years ago I used to blog about my weight loss. I learned a lot about high expectations from that failed exercise ( see what I did there{{{wink, wink}}} ?)! The pressure I put on myself to keep succeeding when I didn’t feel like circling the block anymore got to be too much and just like that [a quick snap of my fingers] I was back to being the “fat girl” with a killer smile, a quick line, a song … and a broken heart. I say broken because every time I walk away from the version of myself where I feel I belong a little more of who I know I am disappears.

The odd thing about losing weight is I know how to do that. It is staying in the mindset of healthy habits difficult to maintain. I have struggled all week with feeling enough. Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Have I exercised enough? ENOUGH of ENOUGH! I promised myself that on this leg of my life’s journey I would not give into that little girl lost that lives in my head. I AM ENOUGH! A mountain can not be climbed without effort. NO more obsessing. It is unhelpful, it is unhealthy, it is soul crushing. I deserve more from myself, for myself. I have always been enough. The scale does not define me! I DO!

Today for the first time I got to see “The Greatest Showman” on Disney +. I know I am late to the show( no pun intended) but that is what happens when you are afraid to go to a movie by yourself and no one else you know wants to see a musical. Live and learn but if you are a believer in everything happens for a reason then I wasn’t meant to see this movie until today.

The song THIS IS ME is me. I needed to hear those words. So often in my life I have felt like I was too broken to be valued, to have value. I was starting to slide back into that feeling…but an odd thing happened on my way to giving up on myself and it all started with a song. This journey is long. This journey is tough BUT I AM WORTH the journey! This is ME!

I have learned that I am not on the road by myself. Asking for help makes the journey easier to shoulder. I am strong. I am brave. I am. I can and I will…succeed, keep on keeping on, being in my moments, loving my life and all the wonderful people that help to make it worth the ride.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

SSDD+1

It’s quiet here in the house. Supper is over and the prep for tomorrow’s day is done. The TV has been shut off for the night. All I hear are the sounds of the keys as I type. A mesmerizing click, click, click as I tap out my thoughts from my grey matter onto my laptop. Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do? Every one lives their lives with some sort of routines in place, same bed time every night, eating at the same restaurants every week, shopping at the same grocery store on the same day of the week at the same time, week after week, month after month… the same, same, same things. It feels like being stuck on a merry go round of doom.

Most people I know find comfort in the routine of living. There are no surprises to shock the system. A person can figure out where their niche is and live happily within its confines. I get restless. This sort of day in and day out repeat episodes of Happy Days drives me mad. Anger is a very dangerous emotion for me. I have never really learned to do positive things with my negative feelings. I need to change that. As a child I thought that when I grew up I would be whole, “an adult”. This mysterious entity that left home every day, who went to work and did magical things like pay bills! Somehow in my child’s viewpoint I thought it meant I would have every good thing I ever wanted: I would be happy. I would have friends. I would be married with children (Oh yes, I wanted 10!) Life would be AMAZING! The problem with child like thinking is it never accounts for heartache, sickness, depression, disappointments. Everything in my kid dreams were hearts and unicorns.

Best of Best 25 Life journey quotes ideas on Pinterest

I have a pretty good life. There are no children ( yes, I am still wounded by this) but I have a job and a hubby (a grumpy overgrown child man that I love) and a place to live and bills to pay. The glory of my life does not in anyway resemble my childhood notions and I am fine with that. I have a long road ahead of me; if I can find it from where I have been hiding in the woods of my life path. Avoiding things does not make them NON things. My truth? I allow my unhappiness to turn into anger and eating to hurt myself because instead of dealing with the negative emotions I try to choke them down with whatever I can sink my teeth into. It’s way past time to find a better way. I need to be better at being me. Say out loud why I am angry, own it, let it go so it can be energy for something good for me not something unhealthy.

Living is an action word. I need to do more of it.

The Honeymoon…

…is over! It’s official. The shiny newness of this lifestyle change that I have undertaken has worn off. The holiday season didn’t help much either. Well meaning people that foolishly think that in order to be in good cheer you must be over served, over hors d’oeuvred, over fed, and overwhelmed. Enough! I have had enough. When I started this ten months ago it was because I was living in the danger zone again. I left WWs on my own in 2008 thinking that I had conquered myself and my need to overfeed my demons. WRONG!

The only thing I successfully did was LIE to myself about my motives and my sadness. Addiction is the shittiest thing you can do to yourself. It is like one long bad date you wouldn’t let your best friend suffer through but you are going to take it on and WIN! All lies. I hate myself for all of the things that I think I should be able to control and can’t. I hate myself for not being perfect. I hate myself because it is easier than love.

No surprise but I did not enjoy my time off from work or the holiday season. Surrounded by people, none of them mine =  (   my first Christmas on my own. Yes, it is all on me. I chose not to be happy. Being content in your life takes work. My character flaw. There is no greater actress than the one who is bad at pretending to be happy. I wanted to sit on the floor of my closet with the doors closed and wail about all that I have lost. No one wants to see a clown cry but often the funniest person in the room hides the most tears. It amazes me that after all of my years of self inflicted ED injury I am still drawn to it in times of distress. Feed a soul that is hungry. What is it I hunger for?

The honeymoon may be over but my journey is not. I absolutely refuse to give in. My journey got harder because I put a roadblock up. I got complacent and a little bored. I sat down late last night. Angry and disappointed in how I have been treating myself, I decided to stop, rest, and access my situation. What do I need to change  in order to achieve my goal? The answer is always the same, my mind set. Accepting my truths, ugly sweater and all, works for me. Don’t buy food you can not trust yourself to be left alone with. Don’t even, just stop .

I can not eat sugar. I am a diabetic. It is a health risk for me. Sugar is not my friend. I am weak in its presence. I am unable to stop myself once I allow myself to partake of its sweetness. I am like a thirsty sponge in search of rain. I will eat and eat and eat until I make myself sick. It adds inches to my waistline and anger to an already sad soul. I am glad this holiday season is drawing to a close. For me, there is comfort in structure, odd but true.

I just had the courage to buy the bucket, now I need to make my list. Live your life! Spring is coming and adventure season will be here before I know it =  )

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be, I’m Not!

My SELF Steam

Where does a person learn about self-esteem? Are we born with a sense of our own abilities and gain confidence from applying this knowledge? Or do we learn to have self-esteem from the people in our lives?  We all have parents, well I hope that you did. I was not raised in a family that showered me with praise. I loved my parents but often I was ridiculed and yelled at for shortcomings, real and imagined. I think that is why I struggle  with who I think I am versus who I think I should be.

I discovered I had talent in my youth. I used those abilities to seek out praise. I can sing. I am witty in a twisted way that often makes people laugh out loud in the most inappropriate times and places.  I have a sharp mind and can recall the most remote of details in books or places I have been. I can recall scenes from movies in near perfect lines. I very rarely forget a person’s name or how we met. I am not amazing or brave or strong. I reveal these factoids because it is my darkest secret. I would be nothing without my talents.

I started this journey because I was tired of all the lies I was telling myself.Tomorrow will be better. There will be more money. There will be more time. I have worth. I am beautiful. I was putting my health and emotional well being through hell. I just wanted to be better, feel better. I took charge of my own happiness and slowly since February I have been living a better life for myself. Until… I took a little detour this weekend. I strayed from my path. I gave in to the demons in my head whispering that I needed to take a little break from how good I have been doing.  I gave in.

The closer it gets to Christmas the more alone I feel. My Dad is gone and I have nothing to fill the void.The funny thing about my self-esteem is that I used to think that I needed to keep feeding its flames in order to achieve any lasting success. I have been feeling badly about all of the bad choices I made this weekend. I am a different person now! It’s time to take what I have learned from this side step,leave the rest behind and move forward. I am not going to let the sad part of my psyche drive the choices in my life anymore. I deserve more for myself. I am sitting here writing this because I needed to shout this from the rooftops!!!! but it is too damn cold outside so my blog will have to do.

Here’s to me! I am in charge of my own happiness! Having a few bad days doesn’t make a lifetime unless you continue along the same horrible path. I will not give up . I will not give in. I will make it to goal for myself because I want it. I will get there under my own SELF STEAM!

Self-esteem…

noun
noun: self-esteem
  1. confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect
    Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE