It Began With A Tear

It came from a song. I have the hardest time singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” It is not because I don’t know the words or that I can’t carry a tune. This is a song about longing, wanting something, or someone or an event that for some reason you can not have. Or maybe you once had it and now it is gone. Or say as in my case I believe it is where I will someday see the face of my kid sister, long since passed away, waiting for me on the other side of this life. Every time I start this song, I stop myself. I feel my emotion catch in my throat. I feel small, alone, and abandoned. A friend asked me today why I never finish this song. For the first time in a long time I told someone why.

I am a broken soul. Most days with a little flair and a jingle or two most people don’t see through the cloud of smoke I lay out. Loss of a loved one is the toughest things that we as survivors have to live with. Tears spill because love cannot be kept. Sometimes all of that love that I am trying so desperately to contain breaks free from my heart and rolls down my cheek. Love

I never realized until today how often I don’t finish this song. This song reminds me of what once was but is no longer. It is a wish, a dream, a fear, a hope, a wanting. It is beautiful. It is haunting. It makes me happy on a good day and crushes me on a bad day. I have a habit of singing in public without invitation. My quirk, my passion, my link to sanity. I promise you that I can sing. I sometimes embarrass the people I am with but singing makes my soul feel alive. If I can make one other person’s life better even for just a span of a moment I feel like maybe I am seen, that what I do matters, that I have a reason to be. For a very long time after my sister died, I felt empty. Singing changes my aura and fixes my broken.

I try to go somewhere every Saturday. I must start this song every adventure and leave it mid verse. Somewhere in the presence of my own grief I forgot that this song means other things to different people. It is not my song and if I am going to start out on this journey I need to get to the end of the yellow brick road. So live like no one is watching, love with everything you have, make those memories and finish your song.

Life’s Twist…

of Fate put you on my path. There is this saying about people being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. One day a window of new possibilities opened and a gentle breeze blew in stirring the stagnant land. YOU were that breeze, an unexpected wonderful surprise. The moment I met you I felt that you landed on the wrong shore. A creature of rare beauty. Sometimes as people we forget that beauty isn’t always about a wrapper. Beauty is as much about the packaging as it is about the gift.

I want to thank you for “seeing” me. You are one of the lucky few that knows me without the façade of protection I throw up around me. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me think. You let me worry about you, you let me be your friend, you let me take care of you with a kindness or two. You let me into your world and for that I am a better version of myself. You were never meant to stay for more than a season. This time I found a piece of my soul that I thought I had lost to the sorrows of my past. Smooth now like sea glass the harsh edges refined into wisdom. I am sad to see you leave but it is your chance to spread your wings and fly.

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I am grateful to the universe for swinging your life’s journey through mine and even though we now travel on separate paths please know that I am always right where you can find me. Once there was a Raven…

Like A Hurricane

Once upon a time I was aging away from being considered young when I started dating my future (still mine) husband. I was the girl who was never going to get a guy, let alone marry one! It is almost 4 a.m., today marks that day in time when I wore a very large white dress and he donned a smart tuxedo. He waited for me at the altar. My Dad proudly walked me down the aisle, where he let me start a new life with the man that I love, and together we jumped into the abyss of married life. I was mentally so young and immature about love, all that it truly means. I was blinded by hope and a false sense of jubilation that I always thought would be there. Loving someone you are not related to is the TOUGHEST job in the world. It is not meant for the faint of heart. LOVE is the best gift you will ever get. LOVE is the best gift you can give, always, as it never misses its target audience, it comes in the right color and size. Love has its own energy by the sheer magic of awe it will continue to spread its good vibes. It is the toughest thing to let go of. Its strength can carry you over mountains. The truly blessed carry LOVE with them until the end of days.

Twenty-five, 20 + 5, 25! I deserve a medal! No. All joking aside I am proud of my younger self for believing that I was enough just as I was to be loved. Choosing to let love into a life comes with a whole caravan of FEELS I was just not prepared for. There is RUSH, that emboldened fool that swells with awkward emotions like squee, childish joy, exuberance. There is Hope. I like her but sometimes she shines so bright I wish she came with a dimmer switch. FAITH, is a quiet creature. I have learned over the years to just accept what she is trying to teach me. Believe in the hereafter, believe in your journey, believe in yourself, believe in a higher being, just believe. HATE, this chick is just too intense for me, Every time we hang out she tries to ruin my life. I try NOT to see her as often as possible. Even now sometimes I find her lurking in the shadows waiting for her chance to jump at the tiniest of sparks. Her main hag is ANGER. I really dislike when these two are at the kitchen table together cooking up a scheme. Anger is just DISSAPPOINTMENT in an ugly dress. Over the years I have learned that their relationships are not healthy for me to hold onto if I want my relationships to be OKAY.

My hubster walked into my life and changed every single thing about life I thought was set in stone. BECAUSE of him I know I am wanted. I am loved. I am beautiful in a way that transcends looks. I am so much more than I ever imagined I could be. He once said to me that he knew I had built a wall around my soul to protect myself from getting HURT but he was smart enough to walk to the edge and peer in through the cracks in my foundation to see the beauty contained within. He had me at peered in through my cracks(pun intended)LOL. Our relationship has its ups and downs, all great rides do. There has been doubt of concept. There have been failed attempts at being parents. There have been times of despair. There has been loss. There has always been US, him and I . I love him like a hurricane.

Love the people in your life EVERY DAY is a GIFT. I am grateful for every day I am given. Anticipation is the most under rated emotion. Life is like a lottery ticket. Sometimes one just has to scratch the surface to find the prize inside.

I am, am I?

Life is a strange journey. Last June I decided to stop being an ass, embrace my inner thin chick, make an unquiet peace with her, and try to get back to the business of losing weight so I can keep my good health. OH MY GAWD what was I not thinking? It has been a frustrating, sad, heart wrenching time in the world. Some days so filled with fear, apprehension and uncertainty that I can easily become anxious about every little thing. Yeah I know, preach. I am finding it very difficult to stay in the moment, to enjoy the peace that surrounds me.

A few years ago I used to blog about my weight loss. I learned a lot about high expectations from that failed exercise ( see what I did there{{{wink, wink}}} ?)! The pressure I put on myself to keep succeeding when I didn’t feel like circling the block anymore got to be too much and just like that [a quick snap of my fingers] I was back to being the “fat girl” with a killer smile, a quick line, a song … and a broken heart. I say broken because every time I walk away from the version of myself where I feel I belong a little more of who I know I am disappears.

The odd thing about losing weight is I know how to do that. It is staying in the mindset of healthy habits difficult to maintain. I have struggled all week with feeling enough. Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Have I exercised enough? ENOUGH of ENOUGH! I promised myself that on this leg of my life’s journey I would not give into that little girl lost that lives in my head. I AM ENOUGH! A mountain can not be climbed without effort. NO more obsessing. It is unhelpful, it is unhealthy, it is soul crushing. I deserve more from myself, for myself. I have always been enough. The scale does not define me! I DO!

Today for the first time I got to see “The Greatest Showman” on Disney +. I know I am late to the show( no pun intended) but that is what happens when you are afraid to go to a movie by yourself and no one else you know wants to see a musical. Live and learn but if you are a believer in everything happens for a reason then I wasn’t meant to see this movie until today.

The song THIS IS ME is me. I needed to hear those words. So often in my life I have felt like I was too broken to be valued, to have value. I was starting to slide back into that feeling…but an odd thing happened on my way to giving up on myself and it all started with a song. This journey is long. This journey is tough BUT I AM WORTH the journey! This is ME!

I have learned that I am not on the road by myself. Asking for help makes the journey easier to shoulder. I am strong. I am brave. I am. I can and I will…succeed, keep on keeping on, being in my moments, loving my life and all the wonderful people that help to make it worth the ride.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

SSDD+1

It’s quiet here in the house. Supper is over and the prep for tomorrow’s day is done. The TV has been shut off for the night. All I hear are the sounds of the keys as I type. A mesmerizing click, click, click as I tap out my thoughts from my grey matter onto my laptop. Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do? Every one lives their lives with some sort of routines in place, same bed time every night, eating at the same restaurants every week, shopping at the same grocery store on the same day of the week at the same time, week after week, month after month… the same, same, same things. It feels like being stuck on a merry go round of doom.

Most people I know find comfort in the routine of living. There are no surprises to shock the system. A person can figure out where their niche is and live happily within its confines. I get restless. This sort of day in and day out repeat episodes of Happy Days drives me mad. Anger is a very dangerous emotion for me. I have never really learned to do positive things with my negative feelings. I need to change that. As a child I thought that when I grew up I would be whole, “an adult”. This mysterious entity that left home every day, who went to work and did magical things like pay bills! Somehow in my child’s viewpoint I thought it meant I would have every good thing I ever wanted: I would be happy. I would have friends. I would be married with children (Oh yes, I wanted 10!) Life would be AMAZING! The problem with child like thinking is it never accounts for heartache, sickness, depression, disappointments. Everything in my kid dreams were hearts and unicorns.

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I have a pretty good life. There are no children ( yes, I am still wounded by this) but I have a job and a hubby (a grumpy overgrown child man that I love) and a place to live and bills to pay. The glory of my life does not in anyway resemble my childhood notions and I am fine with that. I have a long road ahead of me; if I can find it from where I have been hiding in the woods of my life path. Avoiding things does not make them NON things. My truth? I allow my unhappiness to turn into anger and eating to hurt myself because instead of dealing with the negative emotions I try to choke them down with whatever I can sink my teeth into. It’s way past time to find a better way. I need to be better at being me. Say out loud why I am angry, own it, let it go so it can be energy for something good for me not something unhealthy.

Living is an action word. I need to do more of it.

The Honeymoon…

…is over! It’s official. The shiny newness of this lifestyle change that I have undertaken has worn off. The holiday season didn’t help much either. Well meaning people that foolishly think that in order to be in good cheer you must be over served, over hors d’oeuvred, over fed, and overwhelmed. Enough! I have had enough. When I started this ten months ago it was because I was living in the danger zone again. I left WWs on my own in 2008 thinking that I had conquered myself and my need to overfeed my demons. WRONG!

The only thing I successfully did was LIE to myself about my motives and my sadness. Addiction is the shittiest thing you can do to yourself. It is like one long bad date you wouldn’t let your best friend suffer through but you are going to take it on and WIN! All lies. I hate myself for all of the things that I think I should be able to control and can’t. I hate myself for not being perfect. I hate myself because it is easier than love.

No surprise but I did not enjoy my time off from work or the holiday season. Surrounded by people, none of them mine =  (   my first Christmas on my own. Yes, it is all on me. I chose not to be happy. Being content in your life takes work. My character flaw. There is no greater actress than the one who is bad at pretending to be happy. I wanted to sit on the floor of my closet with the doors closed and wail about all that I have lost. No one wants to see a clown cry but often the funniest person in the room hides the most tears. It amazes me that after all of my years of self inflicted ED injury I am still drawn to it in times of distress. Feed a soul that is hungry. What is it I hunger for?

The honeymoon may be over but my journey is not. I absolutely refuse to give in. My journey got harder because I put a roadblock up. I got complacent and a little bored. I sat down late last night. Angry and disappointed in how I have been treating myself, I decided to stop, rest, and access my situation. What do I need to change  in order to achieve my goal? The answer is always the same, my mind set. Accepting my truths, ugly sweater and all, works for me. Don’t buy food you can not trust yourself to be left alone with. Don’t even, just stop .

I can not eat sugar. I am a diabetic. It is a health risk for me. Sugar is not my friend. I am weak in its presence. I am unable to stop myself once I allow myself to partake of its sweetness. I am like a thirsty sponge in search of rain. I will eat and eat and eat until I make myself sick. It adds inches to my waistline and anger to an already sad soul. I am glad this holiday season is drawing to a close. For me, there is comfort in structure, odd but true.

I just had the courage to buy the bucket, now I need to make my list. Live your life! Spring is coming and adventure season will be here before I know it =  )

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be, I’m Not!

My SELF Steam

Where does a person learn about self-esteem? Are we born with a sense of our own abilities and gain confidence from applying this knowledge? Or do we learn to have self-esteem from the people in our lives?  We all have parents, well I hope that you did. I was not raised in a family that showered me with praise. I loved my parents but often I was ridiculed and yelled at for shortcomings, real and imagined. I think that is why I struggle  with who I think I am versus who I think I should be.

I discovered I had talent in my youth. I used those abilities to seek out praise. I can sing. I am witty in a twisted way that often makes people laugh out loud in the most inappropriate times and places.  I have a sharp mind and can recall the most remote of details in books or places I have been. I can recall scenes from movies in near perfect lines. I very rarely forget a person’s name or how we met. I am not amazing or brave or strong. I reveal these factoids because it is my darkest secret. I would be nothing without my talents.

I started this journey because I was tired of all the lies I was telling myself.Tomorrow will be better. There will be more money. There will be more time. I have worth. I am beautiful. I was putting my health and emotional well being through hell. I just wanted to be better, feel better. I took charge of my own happiness and slowly since February I have been living a better life for myself. Until… I took a little detour this weekend. I strayed from my path. I gave in to the demons in my head whispering that I needed to take a little break from how good I have been doing.  I gave in.

The closer it gets to Christmas the more alone I feel. My Dad is gone and I have nothing to fill the void.The funny thing about my self-esteem is that I used to think that I needed to keep feeding its flames in order to achieve any lasting success. I have been feeling badly about all of the bad choices I made this weekend. I am a different person now! It’s time to take what I have learned from this side step,leave the rest behind and move forward. I am not going to let the sad part of my psyche drive the choices in my life anymore. I deserve more for myself. I am sitting here writing this because I needed to shout this from the rooftops!!!! but it is too damn cold outside so my blog will have to do.

Here’s to me! I am in charge of my own happiness! Having a few bad days doesn’t make a lifetime unless you continue along the same horrible path. I will not give up . I will not give in. I will make it to goal for myself because I want it. I will get there under my own SELF STEAM!

Self-esteem…

noun
noun: self-esteem
  1. confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect
    Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE

What what?

Wait a minute! Breathe…

My thoughts don’t always jump from my brain cake to the page so easily. I have had my apple cart pushed over and all of my wares have rolled to the nearest gully. In the quiet moments of my day , my emotions hit me like a wave. I am struggling not to let them brim over and make me cry. Everyone in my life wants to know if “I’m Okay” and I am not sure how to answer that. A vase with a crack might still hold water but would you trust it on your best coffee table?

I am not young. I am not old. Whenever I was with my Dad, I felt like a little girl. I was loved. I was protected. I was safe. Now I am without him. Will I be Okay? Yes, in time. I have to fill the void in my soul with something meaningful. I just don’t know what that will be yet. It is not the fall that kills, it is the sudden stop. I was holding my own until everyone left and all of the gatherings were finished. The moment I exhaled to relax and regroup, my emotions slammed into me. I have cried a lot this past week. I sometimes forgot to eat or I didn’t feel like eating. I will be honest with you, I tracked my food very liberally. I didn’t step too far out of bounds but I did stray. The difference is the old me would still be in bed, still eating, still crying, still trying to figure out what to do next. I would be angry, mostly at myself, I am sure, but…

I don’t do that anymore. I want more from myself. I want more out of my world around me. I spent too many years agonizing about being enough. Good enough, pretty enough, happy enough. ENOUGH!!!! I have always been just what I needed. The only standards I need to live by or up to are my OWN! If you don’t like that your life is a standing pile of POO, step away from the pile. Make a new path, find a new way. Everyone’s journey has different roads. Just keep truckin’ . When I start to swirl in my own self-doubt I quietly remind myself that my Dad believed in me. I will not give in to my dark thoughts. It only takes the smallest spark of hope to accomplish BIG things.

You are beautiful. You are important. You are enough. Believe in the power of YOU!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE-Ever!

Journey on

A heartbeat…

…that is all it takes. One heartbeat between life and death. He was a good man. He had a family. He loved the people in his life in the best possible way; by being there. This man was my Dad. I love him. He taught me to live, to be kind, to drive a car, change a tire, whistle like nobody’s business. All of the very best things that I am are because of him. He was my biggest fan and my most favorite companion. I get my singing talent from him. He loved a good laugh and horrible jokes. To me he will always be my SUPERHERO.

He could yodel and had a great Tarzan yell. He loved country (& Western) music and dabbled in turning a tune or two. He believed in a higher power and tried never to miss church. He was a good man. He had a wife and three daughters. He loved us with his whole being. My Dad never had much but was always ready to share what he could.

Over time my Dad lost many things, a daughter, a wife, precious siblings, memories he wanted to know. My Dad had vascular dementia. He never lost me. I had him in the palm of my hand. I protected and cared for him with everything I had. We made memories that will last me the rest of my life. My Dad passed away last night. There will never be a day that I won’t miss him. There will never be a day that I am not thankful for all the wonderful memories we made.

“You know that I love you Dad?” Yes, I know. I love you too, sweetheart.”

Go dance in the stars Pop… You are finally FREE!!!!assorted 014

 

Adventure Anyone?

Life is pleasant unplanned for, wonderment. Growing up I can honestly tell you that I didn’t have many friends. Most of my friends were related to me or were kids in my neighborhood. School can often be a lonely place. If you are different from the norm it can be a brutal battlefield. Open season by others who lack the maturity to realize that it is the person(s) who are different that usually make the greatest effort to be better to you than the shits you hang around with. I survived public school. I was bullied; I became a bully. I am not proud of either experience but I walked away with life lessons I will never forget. I became a strong believer in random acts of kindness. I often sing in the middle of a store, a museum, or town square. I engage people in conversation about the loveliness of the day or an article of clothing that looks nice on them. I embrace my life with a joy I did not know growing up and I am a better person for it. Because I changed my attitude my life changed.

I am blessed to have amazing people in my life. My hubby has taught me so much about myself that I didn’t want to believe was true. I have the BEST bestfriend anyone could ever want. I belong to a book club that is filled with life affirming, positive, intelligent, well spoken females who inspire me.  I learn something new about friendship from these ladies every time we meet. I have learned to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you =  )

Yesterday I had the pleasure of undertaking an adventure with two ladies I met at hockey. Yes, I said hockey. My hubby is a HUGE hockey fan. As long as there has been hockey in our city we have held season tickets. I am more of a casual fan of the game. Often while hubby is engrossed in the goings on of the game I am being a social butterfly. That is how I met Christine and Allyson. Chris was doing duty at our team Booster Club table and I was trying to annoy her. Instead, I made her laugh (one of my more endearing qualities) I think. Allyson, whom I casually met at a game is friends with Chris. We met during intermission in between periods; a time spent by the diehards, hitting the bathroom, consuming snacks, trading stories about the shared love of the game and gossip. In time we became friendly.

Our first attempt at adventure in the last days of July showed me what great people they really are. Summer can be a busy time, we finagled our schedules to converge so these two could try to teach me all about kayaking. Our adventure day dawned with soaking rains. Time to break out Plan B. I find Plan B helps me to separate the true hearted from the PIAs (pains in the ass); sad but true. A like minded person will be willing and able to adapt to a new course of action and adventure while a PIA becomes like their moniker. Whining ,unless we are going to a winery, is just not cool. I have to hand it to these two. We adventured on. After some thinking we settled upon a walk around The Tower Hill Botanical Garden. We all got in a great walk, met some wonderful older generational people coming to Tower Hill for an event, and talked through a grand spectrum of life events. We found we have a lot in common besides the hockey. While we ate lunch we agreed to meet again before the doldrums of winter make life grey.

Yesterday we all piled into Christine vehicle and made our way to Gloucester, MA to have brunch at Sugar Magnolias. This place held up to my every expectation. I have eaten there once before. I found them just as wonderful this time around. Great food, small town feel, not mad expensive. The girl at the counter even remembered me =) . After we finished eating we headed over to Hammond Castle. We walked around the grounds before going into explore the castle’s secrets. The day was muggy and overcast. The sound of the ocean crashing over the rocks always makes my soul shine. I could have stood in that backyard all day and just watched the ocean but a catering service was setting up for an afternoon wedding and we were in the way. OOPS
We paid the admission and wandered through the castle. I am guessing insulation wasn’t a big thing back in the 1920s. It was stifling hot and the rooms smelled like a tomb. Still we had fun. I even sang in the Great Room and the gift shop. I couldn’t help myself 😉 After about an hour of roaming through the many landings and rooms we decided we needed fresh air and ice cream.
I had a lot of fun and we plan on more adventures soon. Thanks again for a great day.

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