Tag: journey

My SELF Steam

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Where does a person learn about self-esteem? Are we born with a sense of our own abilities and gain confidence from applying this knowledge? Or do we learn to have self-esteem from the people in our lives?  We all have parents, well I hope that you did. I was not raised in a family that showered me with praise. I loved my parents but often I was ridiculed and yelled at for shortcomings, real and imagined. I think that is why I struggle  with who I think I am versus who I think I should be.

I discovered I had talent in my youth. I used those abilities to seek out praise. I can sing. I am witty in a twisted way that often makes people laugh out loud in the most inappropriate times and places.  I have a sharp mind and can recall the most remote of details in books or places I have been. I can recall scenes from movies in near perfect lines. I very rarely forget a person’s name or how we met. I am not amazing or brave or strong. I reveal these factoids because it is my darkest secret. I would be nothing without my talents.

I started this journey because I was tired of all the lies I was telling myself.Tomorrow will be better. There will be more money. There will be more time. I have worth. I am beautiful. I was putting my health and emotional well being through hell. I just wanted to be better, feel better. I took charge of my own happiness and slowly since February I have been living a better life for myself. Until… I took a little detour this weekend. I strayed from my path. I gave in to the demons in my head whispering that I needed to take a little break from how good I have been doing.  I gave in.

The closer it gets to Christmas the more alone I feel. My Dad is gone and I have nothing to fill the void.The funny thing about my self-esteem is that I used to think that I needed to keep feeding its flames in order to achieve any lasting success. I have been feeling badly about all of the bad choices I made this weekend. I am a different person now! It’s time to take what I have learned from this side step,leave the rest behind and move forward. I am not going to let the sad part of my psyche drive the choices in my life anymore. I deserve more for myself. I am sitting here writing this because I needed to shout this from the rooftops!!!! but it is too damn cold outside so my blog will have to do.

Here’s to me! I am in charge of my own happiness! Having a few bad days doesn’t make a lifetime unless you continue along the same horrible path. I will not give up . I will not give in. I will make it to goal for myself because I want it. I will get there under my own SELF STEAM!

Self-esteem…

noun
noun: self-esteem
  1. confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect
    Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE
taking a different path

What what?

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Wait a minute! Breathe…

My thoughts don’t always jump from my brain cake to the page so easily. I have had my apple cart pushed over and all of my wares have rolled to the nearest gully. In the quiet moments of my day , my emotions hit me like a wave. I am struggling not to let them brim over and make me cry. Everyone in my life wants to know if “I’m Okay” and I am not sure how to answer that. A vase with a crack might still hold water but would you trust it on your best coffee table?

I am not young. I am not old. Whenever I was with my Dad, I felt like a little girl. I was loved. I was protected. I was safe. Now I am without him. Will I be Okay? Yes, in time. I have to fill the void in my soul with something meaningful. I just don’t know what that will be yet. It is not the fall that kills, it is the sudden stop. I was holding my own until everyone left and all of the gatherings were finished. The moment I exhaled to relax and regroup, my emotions slammed into me. I have cried a lot this past week. I sometimes forgot to eat or I didn’t feel like eating. I will be honest with you, I tracked my food very liberally. I didn’t step too far out of bounds but I did stray. The difference is the old me would still be in bed, still eating, still crying, still trying to figure out what to do next. I would be angry, mostly at myself, I am sure, but…

I don’t do that anymore. I want more from myself. I want more out of my world around me. I spent too many years agonizing about being enough. Good enough, pretty enough, happy enough. ENOUGH!!!! I have always been just what I needed. The only standards I need to live by or up to are my OWN! If you don’t like that your life is a standing pile of POO, step away from the pile. Make a new path, find a new way. Everyone’s journey has different roads. Just keep truckin’ . When I start to swirl in my own self-doubt I quietly remind myself that my Dad believed in me. I will not give in to my dark thoughts. It only takes the smallest spark of hope to accomplish BIG things.

You are beautiful. You are important. You are enough. Believe in the power of YOU!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE-Ever!

Journey on

A heartbeat…

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…that is all it takes. One heartbeat between life and death. He was a good man. He had a family. He loved the people in his life in the best possible way; by being there. This man was my Dad. I love him. He taught me to live, to be kind, to drive a car, change a tire, whistle like nobody’s business. All of the very best things that I am are because of him. He was my biggest fan and my most favorite companion. I get my singing talent from him. He loved a good laugh and horrible jokes. To me he will always be my SUPERHERO.

He could yodel and had a great Tarzan yell. He loved country (& Western) music and dabbled in turning a tune or two. He believed in a higher power and tried never to miss church. He was a good man. He had a wife and three daughters. He loved us with his whole being. My Dad never had much but was always ready to share what he could.

Over time my Dad lost many things, a daughter, a wife, precious siblings, memories he wanted to know. My Dad had vascular dementia. He never lost me. I had him in the palm of my hand. I protected and cared for him with everything I had. We made memories that will last me the rest of my life. My Dad passed away last night. There will never be a day that I won’t miss him. There will never be a day that I am not thankful for all the wonderful memories we made.

“You know that I love you Dad?” Yes, I know. I love you too, sweetheart.”

Go dance in the stars Pop… You are finally FREE!!!!assorted 014

 

Adventure Anyone?

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Life is pleasant unplanned for, wonderment. Growing up I can honestly tell you that I didn’t have many friends. Most of my friends were related to me or were kids in my neighborhood. School can often be a lonely place. If you are different from the norm it can be a brutal battlefield. Open season by others who lack the maturity to realize that it is the person(s) who are different that usually make the greatest effort to be better to you than the shits you hang around with. I survived public school. I was bullied; I became a bully. I am not proud of either experience but I walked away with life lessons I will never forget. I became a strong believer in random acts of kindness. I often sing in the middle of a store, a museum, or town square. I engage people in conversation about the loveliness of the day or an article of clothing that looks nice on them. I embrace my life with a joy I did not know growing up and I am a better person for it. Because I changed my attitude my life changed.

I am blessed to have amazing people in my life. My hubby has taught me so much about myself that I didn’t want to believe was true. I have the BEST bestfriend anyone could ever want. I belong to a book club that is filled with life affirming, positive, intelligent, well spoken females who inspire me.  I learn something new about friendship from these ladies every time we meet. I have learned to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you =  )

Yesterday I had the pleasure of undertaking an adventure with two ladies I met at hockey. Yes, I said hockey. My hubby is a HUGE hockey fan. As long as there has been hockey in our city we have held season tickets. I am more of a casual fan of the game. Often while hubby is engrossed in the goings on of the game I am being a social butterfly. That is how I met Christine and Allyson. Chris was doing duty at our team Booster Club table and I was trying to annoy her. Instead, I made her laugh (one of my more endearing qualities) I think. Allyson, whom I casually met at a game is friends with Chris. We met during intermission in between periods; a time spent by the diehards, hitting the bathroom, consuming snacks, trading stories about the shared love of the game and gossip. In time we became friendly.

Our first attempt at adventure in the last days of July showed me what great people they really are. Summer can be a busy time, we finagled our schedules to converge so these two could try to teach me all about kayaking. Our adventure day dawned with soaking rains. Time to break out Plan B. I find Plan B helps me to separate the true hearted from the PIAs (pains in the ass); sad but true. A like minded person will be willing and able to adapt to a new course of action and adventure while a PIA becomes like their moniker. Whining ,unless we are going to a winery, is just not cool. I have to hand it to these two. We adventured on. After some thinking we settled upon a walk around The Tower Hill Botanical Garden. We all got in a great walk, met some wonderful older generational people coming to Tower Hill for an event, and talked through a grand spectrum of life events. We found we have a lot in common besides the hockey. While we ate lunch we agreed to meet again before the doldrums of winter make life grey.

Yesterday we all piled into Christine vehicle and made our way to Gloucester, MA to have brunch at Sugar Magnolias. This place held up to my every expectation. I have eaten there once before. I found them just as wonderful this time around. Great food, small town feel, not mad expensive. The girl at the counter even remembered me =) . After we finished eating we headed over to Hammond Castle. We walked around the grounds before going into explore the castle’s secrets. The day was muggy and overcast. The sound of the ocean crashing over the rocks always makes my soul shine. I could have stood in that backyard all day and just watched the ocean but a catering service was setting up for an afternoon wedding and we were in the way. OOPS
We paid the admission and wandered through the castle. I am guessing insulation wasn’t a big thing back in the 1920s. It was stifling hot and the rooms smelled like a tomb. Still we had fun. I even sang in the Great Room and the gift shop. I couldn’t help myself 😉 After about an hour of roaming through the many landings and rooms we decided we needed fresh air and ice cream.
I had a lot of fun and we plan on more adventures soon. Thanks again for a great day.

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It Didn’t Happen…

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Sometimes an adventure doesn’t go the way I envision it. The stars don’t align, my destination is inexplicably closed, my vehicle misbehaves. I can get angry or I can find the adventure in the Missed Adventure I have been dealt. Find the joy where you are. This past weekend stuff went awry. I ventured out with a friend from work for an afternoon of fun. Our plan was to walk the Quabbin Reservoir, visit a winery (for some shenanigans) and hit Rose 32 Bread for lunch. And that’s when… the grapes hit the fan.

Okay so maybe that’s a little over the top but things didn’t go as planned. I came home from my usual Saturday morning meeting/weigh in. I fed hubby and the cat (PIMYA). I rechecked my notes, maps, and snackies and set out. I sent a text to my friend letting her know I would be in her neighborhood by 10 o’clock. I was driving up Route 9 towards the Brookfields when I realized I hadn’t yet gassed Bessie up for our adventure. When things start to go wrong, the fallout gathers speed rather quickly. If you are not careful the whole day can be ruined. I’m a worrier by nature so I was starting to feel a little stressed. “Breathe, Trish, just breathe” Yes, I talk to myself, who doesn’t? I am a firm believer that a positive outcome can be achieved if you keep trying for one = )

After much fanfare and a few false starts I finally made it to my friend’s house. I am an easy travel companion; I don’t mind if others want to join our band of mayhem and mischief makers so our duet became a quartet and we headed out. The ride to the winery was the best part of our morning trip. The road and surrounding scenery were awe inspiring and beautiful. I try to give credit when and where it is warranted. Having said that, notice I make NO MENTION of this winery by name or give it free publicity. It simply didn’t live up to it’s glowing reputation. Our band of merry makers arrived just shy of 11 o’clock. The grounds were manicured, beautiful, and void of any activity. I checked my phone for the time. They should be opened. Hmm?

The early bird doesn’t always catch the worm. Sometimes he snags a crabby apple. Just our luck =( The best way to get and keep a repeat customer is to give them something to come back for. I offer nothing here except that I was greatly disappointed by the failure of this part of our journey. I give credit to my fellow adventures who let their obvious disappoint roll off their backs. We simply finished up and MOVED ON. Being in the right mind set makes the difference between success and failure. We  ventured down to the road a bit and found a slice of Heaven in the way of a local café/bakery.

Did you live near a local bakery when you were growing up? To know the smell of fresh baked wonderfulness makes my inner child squee with a delighted happiness I can only compare to a paid day off, an early winter thaw, finding money on the sidewalk = pure JOY. I read the offerings mindfully and chose wisely. I was not disappointed. The bread fresh, made on site, all of the components equally fresh and eye appealing.Rose 32 Bread made the sour memory of the winery fade into a minor glitch in an otherwise perfect day.

The key to success? Be prepared for what may come your way. Our adventure didn’t turn out the way it was planned. I met a new friend (hi, Jordan!). I reconnected with a cute little girl who has turned into quite the young woman (hi, Sadie!). My coworker (Kim) was patient, fun, and generous; never complaining once about the turn of events. All in all our Missed Adventure turned out nicely. I try to approach my WW journey with the same winning attitude. I try my best to make the best choices for myself. I stop and take a deep breath when things feel like they are slipping from my grasp. I adjust my plan and move on. I don’t always succeed but I never give up.

 

 

 

 

For the Love of a Popsicle

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OMG it has been HOT. No, I am not complaining . I am stating the facts. Summertime used to mean heading out everyday after my dad got home from work and hitting a local swim spot. After I learned to drive it was trips to Hampton Beach, Newport and other lovely coastal beaches. Now that I am older (sounds as horrible as it feels) as soon as I get home from the J-O-B, it is kick the shoes off, turn the air conditioner up full blast and whine as I watch bad afternoon TV. Oh! for the love of a popsicle! What the hell has happened to me?

It has been too uncomfortable to eat much of anything. I have no interest in any food. I know!?! who is this girl and what happened to Trish? but it is true. The bad part it’s tougher to stay on plan when there is an unplan in charge. I have been back to WWs since the beginning of February. My choices and determination are harder to manage. I like to call this portion of our trip THE CLIMB. Why? It has more to do with the length of time spent on the road than it does with the results I am seeing. Will I survive the climb? Sure, I will. The real question?  can I survive the plateau?

I am heading for the mental plateau. It is a scary place. Stay too long at Casa Plateau and find your resolve starting to wane. Don’t stay long enough you run the risk of ending your journey before it really picks up steam. Let’s be honest, learning new healthy habits is a lot of work. It tires a gal out. It fills me with a huge sense of self-fulfillment but sometimes I don’t want to do this anymore. What to do? Time to mix it up! Try a different exercise, eat KALE( no,just kidding), take stock in where you are, where you want to be. Could be it is time to leave the comfort zone of what works and try a few new untried curiosities. Don’t allow yourself to become bored in this journey. The cost of bad decisions while bored is immeasurable. Just ask anyone who has ever done a home perm! Never give up on the person you are meant to be. It is okay to have doubt; just don’t forget you are the one in charge. Journey on…

 

 

Just a Number

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because you are worth it

I think often in our quest to a better version of ourselves we forget we are more than just a number. THAT ugly number you start with is really a stepping stone on your way to a happier, healthier you.  What brought me to Weight Watchers may not even be close to the reason you joined. That is the great thing about each of us. We are alike yet we stand apart. Unique in our own way.

I was on vacation this week. I am not good at relaxing. I am not always good at adulting either but I never give up. I tried to approach this week from a different view point. I didn’t plan out any of my meals. OH NO! I didn’t “Karenize“. I just went with the flow. You know what? I am Okay. I feel good about the choices I made for myself this week. I didn’t grub down and fill myself with foods I have been saying no to. I stayed on plan as much as I could. I went out to dinner with my hubby. I spent time with my Dad. I read. I watched some TV I have had saved on our DVR for eons. I was IN my moments.

I am more than a number on a scale. I will face whatever the outcome of my choices have led me to. I am worth my journey. I believe in myself. I CAN do anything I set my mind to. Winning this war is about coming prepared for the battles.  I used to be my biggest obstacle like a rockslide in the middle of the road. I got in my own way. I blocked my path. I have since made peace with myself.  This week I focused on the positive things I see in myself, Non Scale Victories, intangible but powerful. I ran up three flights of stairs, without stopping(not out of breath). I walked the long way around to my doctor’s appointment. My face looks thinner when it stares back at me from the mirror. I have “found” my collar bones  =  )  I have more energy. My mind is more focused.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Choose to be happy, to believe in yourself. Trust that you are learning how to live a better way. You are more than a number my friend, you are amazing!

 

 

 

Friday Night Life

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Every Friday, after my work week has come to an end, I sit at my laptop reflecting. I plan out what bills I have versus what bills I have money to pay. Who else in the room? I didn’t think I was alone. Owing money, even if it is for a necessity, is not a feeling I welcome. Sometimes I feel like I work for nothing. Not the truth,that’s the way I feel sometimes then again who doesn’t feel that way?

Weight loss can feel like that. I can be in midst of a wonderful spell of decision making. Getting in a workout or two, planning my meals carefully, living in my moments. Sometimes though in the back of my mind I feel like I am working for nothing. I am the first one to admit, it is usually after I talk myself out of eating a brownie or a piece of candy I didn’t really need in the first place. Damn, I really wanted that! And damn again. I wish the reward for refusing to sabotage myself was bigger! As if wishing made it so. How amazing would it be to look in the mirror after turning down a delectable sweet and see I look smaller. I do look smaller. It has taken a lot of work. Often I want to quit but I don’t.

Whenever I feel like I just don’t want to do this(weight loss journey) anymore, I remind myself that I deserve to be the best example of me. Anything I achieve is worth the work I put in. I am worth the work. I am a force, strong and beautiful. I can achieve anything as long as I remember that I am capable of great things,if I put the effort in  = ). I try to remain positive and move through whatever it is that I have thrown into my path. I make my own obstacles. There is a certain level of fear a true WW carries around with them. I hear my fear whenever I  am struggling with my self confidence. Self doubt is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Don’t go it alone. Ask for help. Your leader can be so much more to your success if you just reach out to them. They do not always have all the answers but all the really good leaders know how to listen. The absolute best ones make you laugh and think and feel. They have all lived the same struggle as us.

Nobody goes through life without making a few wrong turns. I like to think of life as a road trip you take with a best friend. Enjoy the adventure, take note of your surroundings, don’t panic if you get lost. See where that wrong turn takes you. It might be a better view or stop and ask for direction. Live in your moments. Enjoy the adventure and learn to be patient with yourself. It takes time to change. Be happy you have time to change. Donate the clothing you have shrunk out of to a good cause. You help someone else in need and that warm feeling you get should be reward enough = ) I know it is for me.

Give yourself permission to restart a bad day.  A bad minute only turns into the day if you let it. Never Give Up on the person you are meant to be.

What Makes Us Different…

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makes us the same.

It starts early in my day on Fridays. I start thinking about what I want to blog about. I worry no one will read my thoughts or worse that no one will care.  Sometimes I wonder if the effort I put in is worth it. Then I remember this blog is for me. I write as a way to keep myself in check. I share how I am feeling in the hopes that what I have to say helps one person to realize that they are not alone. We all struggle with something :  loneliness, depression, weight, beauty, stress from a bad marriage, death of a loved one…the list is endless. What makes us different makes us the same.

I started this weight loss journey again in February. I decided it was time for me to change my outlook (I had painted it grim, I was buying my own lies hook, line, and sinker). I forgot how to be happy, to live in my moments. I had spent so much time and energy trying to be the best daughter to my Pops, who suffers with dementia, that I had stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about me. I should have reached out for help. Maybe, I wouldn’t have gotten so lost if I had just stopped and asked for direction.

I throw a wall of emotions out in front of me to keep me safe from prying eyes. I make people laugh so I won’t cry. I sing because I am in distress. I eat because I am angry and I don’t know how to use that negative energy in a positive way. I decided that those things that are sometimes true about me needed to be changed. I needed to change. I am learning to own my anger. I don’t have to self-destruct. I am bigger than that. I am worth more than that. I am learning to laugh from joy. I sing because it makes me happy. I  try to talk myself out of my anger. I am trying to let go of things I am unable to change.  I am growing as a person, not in the waistband, a first for me.  = )

The truth is everyone is afraid to get hurt. Life is not a free ride. It comes with pain and disappointment. It has moments of grief and anger. It is the longest, most intense adventure you will ever undertake. You deserve to be in every messy, wonderful, emotion filled moment of it. Learn to be kind to yourself. You do it for other people, learn to value yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the way things have gone in the past. Live for the now.

You have the chance to be a better version of you, right now.  You are strong enough to stand up for what you want. There is no need to feel guilty about being successful at being you. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

What makes us different makes us the same  =  ) We can do this Cupcake!

 

 

What’s IT Worth?

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Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )