For the Love of a Salad

Do you have a favorite food? That one dish you would sacrifice all of your weeklies for? The one dish you dream about? Laugh, if you want but my all time favorite thing in the world is a garden salad with grilled chicken from Steve’s Pizza in West Boylston. Yes, I weigh the chicken. I count the Syrian pocket that comes with it. The only thing I truly CAN NOT figure out is their dressing. It makes the salad that dish I would sacrifice every one of my weeklies for.  Yes, I log the dressing too! even if it is creatively.  ;  )

I am learning to recognize the taste of the food I eat. Food has always been my bestfriend and my worst enemy. In the past I have used food as a mood stabilizer. A difficult admission but I spent years running away from myself, my dreams, my life. I would eat with no other purpose than to distract myself from unpleasantness. Numb my inner demons instead of deal with real issues. My own feelings of loneliness, self-hatred, fear. I wasn’t taught coping skills as a child. It’s a poor excuse to keep leaning on in adulthood. Who knew it would take me almost a lifetime to stand up to myself and demand more because I finally understand my worth.

I refuse to let food push me around anymore. I am the boss of me. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am trusting myself to make the best choices from what is available. I have given myself permission to be flawed. Perfection is not truth in advertising, Photoshop is. Live your life. Never Give Up on the person you are meant to be. Food is my bio-fuel not my friend or my council.

 

Friday Night Life

Every Friday, after my work week has come to an end, I sit at my laptop reflecting. I plan out what bills I have versus what bills I have money to pay. Who else in the room? I didn’t think I was alone. Owing money, even if it is for a necessity, is not a feeling I welcome. Sometimes I feel like I work for nothing. Not the truth,that’s the way I feel sometimes then again who doesn’t feel that way?

Weight loss can feel like that. I can be in midst of a wonderful spell of decision making. Getting in a workout or two, planning my meals carefully, living in my moments. Sometimes though in the back of my mind I feel like I am working for nothing. I am the first one to admit, it is usually after I talk myself out of eating a brownie or a piece of candy I didn’t really need in the first place. Damn, I really wanted that! And damn again. I wish the reward for refusing to sabotage myself was bigger! As if wishing made it so. How amazing would it be to look in the mirror after turning down a delectable sweet and see I look smaller. I do look smaller. It has taken a lot of work. Often I want to quit but I don’t.

Whenever I feel like I just don’t want to do this(weight loss journey) anymore, I remind myself that I deserve to be the best example of me. Anything I achieve is worth the work I put in. I am worth the work. I am a force, strong and beautiful. I can achieve anything as long as I remember that I am capable of great things,if I put the effort in  = ). I try to remain positive and move through whatever it is that I have thrown into my path. I make my own obstacles. There is a certain level of fear a true WW carries around with them. I hear my fear whenever I  am struggling with my self confidence. Self doubt is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Don’t go it alone. Ask for help. Your leader can be so much more to your success if you just reach out to them. They do not always have all the answers but all the really good leaders know how to listen. The absolute best ones make you laugh and think and feel. They have all lived the same struggle as us.

Nobody goes through life without making a few wrong turns. I like to think of life as a road trip you take with a best friend. Enjoy the adventure, take note of your surroundings, don’t panic if you get lost. See where that wrong turn takes you. It might be a better view or stop and ask for direction. Live in your moments. Enjoy the adventure and learn to be patient with yourself. It takes time to change. Be happy you have time to change. Donate the clothing you have shrunk out of to a good cause. You help someone else in need and that warm feeling you get should be reward enough = ) I know it is for me.

Give yourself permission to restart a bad day.  A bad minute only turns into the day if you let it. Never Give Up on the person you are meant to be.

That Unknown Part of Me I Can’t Let Go

You were like a Spring rain. Intense with high potential for damage. Just like a storm you left someone else to do the clean up, me. In your wildest dreams I bet you never imagined one little girl could leave behind such devastation. Hearts were broken, lives ruined; and yet the sun came out. The sun always shines after a storm. Even the heavens want the world to know there is light after darkness.

You taught me to be brave. You forced me to embrace my life. You have brought me places I wouldn’t go myself, you made me participate in my own life. All it took was you dying. So very sad , so very true. Why did you self destruct? Why didn’t you try harder to leave him? why didn’t you value yourself like I valued you? why didn’t you believe in the wonder that was you?

I have lost my way without you. I like to pretend I am above my feelings. I am drowning in my own pool of denial. The more I try to lie to myself about how I am doing the deeper the pool becomes. My tiny craft is taking on water. I am unable to bail the water fast enough. I am circling the drain wondering where all my time has gone off to adventure without me.

I am becoming an old lady without you. I used to wonder what that unknown part of me was. I finally figured it out. It’s the shards of my broken heart. Just when I think I am in a good space, I feel their pain as they push against my soul. Your laugh I hear only in dreams. Your smile a faded memory that mocks me from photographs. I miss the sound of your voice. I am afraid if I let you go, I will lose what little I have left of you.