Go with the Flo…

Being a woman of a certain age I am on the cusp of finally getting to say goodbye to my Flo. That is if she would only just leave already. This time around she was off somewhere living the leisure life for nearly four months. I was settling into the “wow, I guess I am an old lady now” train of thought when I felt those old rumblings, negative thoughts, anxiety, edgy hunger and pain in my left side. Flo makes me feel more vulnerable, nervous. I don’t like it. Flo showed Wednesday while I was at work. All high and mighty, sporting high heels and dragging a fully packed wheelie suitcase with her. I have always had a love/hate relationship with Flo. She made me nervous in my carefree youth. She was a lot like me, capricious and carefree, but she always came riding in to save the day. I loved her then, appreciated her and sang her praises. I hated her too. Angry after I got married when she betrayed me, always around never letting me become someone’s mom. I want her to go but I want her to stay. If she goes I will never have to buy her supplies, ever again. Oh happy day. If she goes she takes the rest of my estrogen with her. My hair will thin, my skin will crepe, my life light dimming. Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?

In time I will get my opportunity to say my final goodbyes to Flo, begin the next chapter. I only hope I face the next half of my life( is there a half? or way less? only time will tell)with courage, humor, good friends, family, and adventure.

Stay tuned

Get Into The Groove

I feel like Stella. I need to find a way to get my groove back. Every day I find myself searching for something I lost along my way but what is it that I have lost? Well, my words for one. I used to be able to sit alone with my thoughts and bang out a blog post about how I was feeling, things I was experiencing, adventures I was having. I like to think that occasionally I made you laugh, cry, think, and maybe remember or appreciate the love you have been gifted with from the people in your life.

Life is in the doing. I guess I need to get back to the doing, going, pursuing, being in my life. I am saddened by the hatred I keep seeing in my feeds on social media. Fake news, fake people, fake lives. It distresses me. I have started to purge people from my lists that bring nothing to the table. No joy, no happiness, no laughter = (equals) no longer on my list of friends.  I am having a difficult enough time not losing my own happiness thread. I really don’t need people unhappy in their own circumstance dragging me into things I know nothing about that I want to know nothing about. I guess you can say I am being smart enough to come in from the rain.

I am not enjoying my journey into menopause. I think it is the most horrible gift the Creator ever bestowed on women. Don’t we suffer enough? I think I would have rather preferred to receive a telegram.



You are far too old to pro create stop

You will no longer be visited on by FLO stop

Love, your Creator stop

But… we ladies all know that is not what happens. I have noticed that some days I am so warm I could probably dry wet laundry. I am not a small woman. I have only occasionally felt the ickyness of boob sweat, eww so gross, no seriously never before in my life have my boobs been so prone to sweat, yuck. I even thought about buying TaTa towels® but l lack the confidence to buy them online. Can I get someone to please tell me why I find everything so worthy of tears? I have never been a big crier. My forte has always been ANGER. Resting Bitch Face a daily exercise when faced with a situation I wanted no part of. Now, I find myself crying over, I am sorry to say it but it is true, spilt milk.

There are other troubling things though I have not seen them yet, I am warned that my beautiful hair will thin as my waist line expands. Since I am already overweight I hope this part does not come true. I like my hair the way it is, on my head, and I really want my waist line to thin down. I have been working on the latter for some 25 years now! I’d really hate for the struggle to be over before I am truly ready to give up and throw in the TaTa towel®



outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Syncope? Well, almost…

Someone should have warned me to keep my hands inside the ride! You are at an amusement park. You have been waiting in line for over an hour to ride the “NEXT GREATEST RIDE” in all of the world. An attendant takes your ticket, you alight to your seat, someone comes along to make sure you are seated in an upright secure position, and just before that cutsie attendant flips the switch to START they throw out the legal and customary jargon “you are about to embark on a dangerous ride, blah, blah, blah, please keep hands and feet inside the ride at all times.” Well nobody warned me about this roller coaster!Roller_Coaster_Rules

In January I had an episode of irregular heart beats. I have been to a cardiologist. I was extremely relieved when the doctor told me my heart is fine! Yes, happy me ( I am jumping up and down, you just can’t see me). Seems it’s Mother Nature’s way of telling me, “Our fun together is not over. We are racing toward a new path called, MENOPAUSE! Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. You may experience turbulence and other strange and maniacal changes. Really? I finally make it to middle age and she wants to pick a fight with me?

Things have been going along quite well. Now when I feel my heart doing it impression of flight of the bumblee

I simply take a few deep breaths and calmly talk myself down from the rising panic I feel. Soon my rhythm returns to its norm and all is well in my world, until this Wednesday. I had Tuesday and Wednesday off from work, lovingly paid for with my vacation time. What should have been a joyous few days off turned into a roller coaster ride I was ill prepared for. Amazing to me how sometimes Life just balls up her fists and wants to challenge you to a duel. I am learning to be calm while I am trapped (with supplies, cable and heat) in the house. I was almost happy to spend Tuesday indoors during the storm. I avoided watching the news and I found ways (chores) to keep myself busy. I will not bore you with the details of the shovel fest that took place as I am sure many of you reading this took part in your own version. Hubby and I got up fairly early on Wednesday morning with big plans of hanging out together, getting things done and enjoying each other {wink, wink} but I woke up feeling off. Maybe I was getting my Spring cold?

I shrugged it off. There was much coffee (half-café because it is better for your heart) drinking in the morning. I was getting the laundry sorted, picking up around the house, playing video games…I never ate breakfast, 1st BIG MISTAKE. Coffee, even when it is powered down, is not good on an empty stomach. Hubby and I headed out for a light lunch. I did eat most of my lunch but as I was not feeling well I really only picked at my food. My hubby knew I wasn’t feeling well. I knew he knew because when something doesn’t work for me I will tell you every five minutes or so just in case I might not have mentioned in the last hour. Bad habit, all mine!!! sorry, not sorry; this is how my worry manifests itself.

One might think that I am wise beyond my years but that is a lie. I am strong-willed. Surprised? NO? I didn’t think so. I wasn’t going to let my illness get in my way. I informed my hubby I was off to see a man about a new set of tires for our Jeep. I dropped my dear one off at the house and went along my merry way to another venture. I should have just stayed home, 2nd BIG MISTAKE. Things were going along swimmingly at the tire store but my discomfort was growing. I was getting antsy pants sitting in the waiting area and the feeling I had been trying to ignore all day about being off was suddenly knocking at my chest. I asked to use the restroom. I barely made it through the door. Why is my vision fading out? my ears are ringing? Oh boy I feel so queasy. I somehow managed to lock the door behind me and sit down(hard) on the toilet seat. I stripped off my winter coat and in the process tore my hoodie and t-shirt off with it at the same time! Great! Now I am sitting in a public restroom(yikes! and yuck!) in my bra and jeans fighting to stay conscious! In case no one has ever told you, adrenaline is awesome!!! in small doses!

I am in full panic mode. Somehow I manage to text hubby that am I very sick and that I am in the bathroom at the tire store. I was so scared. Imagine this. If I pass out, someone will break down the door. I will be found sprawled on the floor wearing a bra and jeans. This terrifying thought helped me to focus on staying alert. My terror lasted fifteen L_O_N_G minutes. I have never come this close to fainting in public in the entirety of my life. My skin clammy, my breathing ragged, my vision fading, my ears ringing. After many cold paper towels on my face while chanting “do not pass out do not pass out” I could feel myself getting better. I sent hubby a text, redressed myself and got the hell out of Dodge as quickly as the tire tech guys could set me free.

I am fine! Low blood pressure with a side of low blood sugar, no Bueno! Taking care of yourself means learning to listen to what your body is telling you! Lesson learned!