Round and round, circular logic is the toughest thing to break free from. I talk myself out of and into the same situation ten times in a day. Why is it so flippin’ difficult to get back onto the path of eating better food to feel better? The older I get the more I find myself asking why? Why do I want THIS? Do I need to do this to myself over and over and over? I always walk away from my success. I came very close to walking away again but I am hanging on. I have been thinking about the whys and the wants and the needs of my path all week.

I am not going to walk away from the better version of myself this time. I have finally learned (the eating better, moving more, feeling alive, being happy) this is what I have wanted to be a part of my whole life. Sometimes a person has to get lost so they can find their way back home. I was in a weird { HEY! I notice you have wrinkles and grey hair} FUNK. I did not want to own the facts of who I am versus who I think I am or who I am sure I will become. I fell into the trap of being upset over something I have no control over. I stressed myself out because I no longer have that “Feck You I am 25” look . Now I am becoming that part of the OLDER crowd at gatherings and birthday parties. No one wants me to sit at the kids’ table anymore. Quite frankly that pisses me off. I mean who wants to sit with the old fogies? Not me! but the truth is I kind of sort of belong to that section of the orchestra now.

I wanted to grow into an elegant beauty like Lena Horne. Yup, you guessed it not gonna happen. Not with the neck wattle I am melting into. Lena Hornechicken-live3-1Dreams shatter like glass on a sidewalk. Sweep up the mess, move on.


So Is This How Old Feels?

…and if it is can we start a different game? For the first time in my recent history I just may feel as old as I actually am. I am not feeling well. I feel tired, run down. I am typing this blind right now because my eyes are burning so badly that I can not focus even with my glasses on. Ever since my episode of A-fib I have not been sleeping well, more from my own worries than whatever it is that my heart is doing. Yes, I am doing my adulting. I have an appointment with a cardiologist so let the testing begin ( and may the odds ever be in your favor). My symptoms are keeping quiet for the most part and my life is sort of back to the hot mess it has always been.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have never had the misfortune of being unwell. I am usually the one who takes care of everybody else. My poor hubby is worried about me in a way I don’t think he has ever been before. I love him for that but all of the hovering is making me nervous. He has no idea how to help me. His role has always been to comb my ruffled feathers back into place when a hair gets across my ass or I am upset over something small, trivial and of the utmost importance to me and me alone.

I am back to me. The me that was in this (better eating for a better me) for the long haul before the holidays hit. I shopped, I logged, I conquered. Well at least I did better with my choices this week and that, in my book, is a win. I feel like I accomplished something good for myself. I feel like I can continue to learn, live and succeed as a WW.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !


In just a few short days it will be my birthday. I am only telling you this because, in truth; I hate my birthday. It is void of everything but high expectations. Every year as my birthday month approaches I grow more and more antsy. I want the grandiose sparkly birthday gathering with cake and presents and stuffs I just don’t need. What I get is usually way more sedate and boring. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry and every year I fail.

I know I am being foolish. I know it is a day on the calendar that is special only to me but I have always wanted it to be bigger than that. I suppose that is the little girl in me that never got to have a birthday party(everyone I knew was on summer holiday). I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t want to be a growed up. I am a Lost Girl. I never liked that Pan’s club was boys only. I mean really if it hadn’t been for Tink and Wendy what would have happened to those lost boys?

I guess I hate my birthday because it means I get older. Age is a perception thing. When you are young you wish to be older and when you are older you wish to be younger. An AGE old battle no one wins. I can’t stop time or change the past( which I despise) the only way is forward, which we call the present, that sometimes is difficult for me to find the gift in.

Here goes:

Dear Birthday,

This year I would like to pause and thank you for being part of my life. I forgive you for not being what I needed in the past. Birthdays remind me of how far I have come. They remind me of how much further I can go. With you I have grown into an adult that I am proud to call me. Because of you I have been given immeasurable amounts of love and guidance and support. My friends and family have always been there to rejoice in the anniversary of my coming into being. I am sorry for taking you for granted. Having said that though I must also admit I am not enjoying the grey hair you keep giving me, enough already. Let’s have some fun this year. What do you say we keep our expectations low? our spirits high and surround ourselves with relaxation? Also, a spa day would be nice but we can talk later, Okay?



My Get Up and Go…

…has got up and went. I lived through the “winter that wouldn’t end” most of us in New England feel that way, I think. We are supposed to have four seasons on this coast. Spring is now relegated to a three week period of mostly cloudy, rainy, snotty days. And then just like biting into a ripe lemon SURPRISE! BOOM! summer explosion. I went from wearing a parka to shorts in a span of one week. And people say God doesn’t have a sense of humor. My allergies are kickin’ my ass three ways to Sunday. If it isn’t itching, it’s weeping or burning, my eyes silly, my eyes. I have a tickle that a cough can’t cure, and I must have blown my way through two BIG boxes of tissues. ENOUGH ALREADY! Kill me or move on. I am tired of feeling like a half step off. I take a little pill {allergy type not recreational type =) }to give me a little break. It gives me that feeling like my head is at the end of a string threatening to float away.

A feeling I hate…like I am not tied to anything I can hold onto. Those little pills give me some relief from my allergy symptoms but why is it that sometimes the cure is as bad as the disease?

The real question is; how do I get my groove back? Naps make me feel like I am an old Old OLD lady. Reading or relaxing for any amount of time right after work, especially if I am sitting on the sofa makes me nap, which makes me feel like an old lady,which I hate. Vicious circle, Yes? So I am stuck in this holding pattern waiting for? something, anything like maybe a nap?

Look past the mirror, look at your soul – love yourself. You are beautiful!

As I get older, which I HATE BTW, I feel like I have lost my inner child. Odd? I know but it is the way I feel = (
I am 50 (FUCK) and for the first time in my life I am faced with the knowledge that bucket list or no there are things I will never get to. In all honesty I have been really down. Just when you have yourself believing there is more rain than shine something draws your eye, your breath catches in your throat, tears begin. The thought that somewhere there is someone reaching out trying to help makes you realize that all is not lost. There are people who try to make the world a better place just by being kind.

Encouragement can come from the most unexpected places. I had a really bad day but this

via Look past the mirror, look at your soul – love yourself. You are beautiful! @SFTSorg @KseniaSolo.

made me feel like I am Okay.