Tag: wizard

I Can Only Be Me

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I can never be anything other than what I am. I am not a prize in a box of cereal. I am not MORE than what I appear to be. I am ME. No bright lights, no sparkle. One of my biggest downfalls is that I tend to LIVE too large and people than have grand expectations of me. Would it surprise you to know that I don’t always know what to do? or how to react? or even know the right things to say to make YOU feel better about yourself? Well, it’s true. I say the things I want someone to be smart enough to say to me. Sometimes the one leading the charge needs someone else to take charge.

I can only be me. If you make me into something other than that, it is on you. I apologize if when you pull the curtain back there is no wizard.  Fantasies can be like that all fire and brimstone and no substance. It is usually  just ground cover for the uncertainty I carry hidden under a fake smile everyday. I wonder how many of you have to talk yourself into participating in your own life just one more day, everyday?

I have been on this journey (back to the version of me I like the best) for ten months now. It never gets any easier. Everyday I fight with myself about food. What should I eat? When should I eat? Am I getting enough protein? Chicken again !?! Funny but when I grazed on food, like a barn animal, I never once worried about what was in my food unless it made me feel icky. Now that I am on program I am always thinking about food! Last week at my WWs meeting the discussion turned to boredom. Boredom with the food choices, boredom with the all the label reading, boredom with the meetings.  I am not sure it is boredom that kills the process. Maybe it is the always behaving? Maybe I don’t manage my emotions (over real or imagined indiscretions) well and my doubt starts to float to the top?

This week when I went grocery shopping I forced myself to buy some new snacks. I bought some biscotti, some wasabi soy beans (scorcher), and some baked pea “cheatos”. I am not bored. I am falling into the “I know what I am doing so therefore I can now bend the rules and have some fun with the wiggle room I have convinced myself I deserve! “zone. I need to be careful! The negativity demons are always lurking in the dark corners waiting for me to slip and fall. It is far easier to walk off with wounded prey than it is to take down a healthy member of the herd.

I sometimes have doubts that I have what it takes to continue on this journey. I need to do this. I really want to do this. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I am not a quitter. I will find the strength to keep going. Only on a weight loss journey will you hear the words I am a loser, so I can learn to be a winner!  =  )

I can only be me. Advice I need to listen to more often? Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

Twenty Weeks, Five Days

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I am obsessed with my birthday. I always have been, I probably always will be.  Somewhere in the course of my life, I have convinced myself that if I have a problem; I can (if I try hard enough and believe in magic) fix whatever ails me by my birthday. For the record, it has never worked. Why I keep traveling down the same road looking for Trish Nirvana is beyond me. (Smacks self in head). There is something to be said though for the optimism that I feel whenever I make this declaration of achieving greatness by my birthday.

In the depths of my soul I believe in myself. It loses strength somewhere on its way to the top. I am never able to hold onto that self-belief very long. Fear is not what keeps success in myself from fruition. It is my unwillingness to accept that as a human being I have value, a worthiness that is mine and mine alone simply because I am alive. I don’t know why I am so hard on myself. I am the one who keeps my dreams at bay. I am the one who gives up on herself. I am the one who cradles my feelings. I am the one who dodges affection. I am the one who avoids the truth.

Dorothy held onto a belief (not to mention she had no other choices) if she got herself to the Emerald City the Wizard would help solve her problems and get her back home.  With her goofy sidekicks and a few miss-steps she learned to rely on herself, ok except for the part where the flying monkeys carry her ass off. She never needed the Wizard to rescue her, she needed herself.  Perhaps the Yellow Brick Road is our life path. We place the bricks each day. Where it leads to is up to us.

I started my brickway many times and in various directions. The time has come for paths to connect and roads to end. I have been lost for far too long. It is time to take up my journey once again, traveling my road one brick at a time. I owe it to myself. I am worthy. I have goofy sidekicks, who I love more than I care to admit. I am stronger with them by my side. I know I have what it takes to see this journey through to the next journey.

Flying monkeys beware. I am ready for your bad asses.

Twenty weeks and five days from now I will still be Trish. It will be my birthday. My life will not magically fall into place on this day but I remain optimistic.  = )