I can never be anything other than what I am. I am not a prize in a box of cereal. I am not MORE than what I appear to be. I am ME. No bright lights, no sparkle. One of my biggest downfalls is that I tend to LIVE too large and people than have grand expectations of me. Would it surprise you to know that I don’t always know what to do? or how to react? or even know the right things to say to make YOU feel better about yourself? Well, it’s true. I say the things I want someone to be smart enough to say to me. Sometimes the one leading the charge needs someone else to take charge.
I can only be me. If you make me into something other than that, it is on you. I apologize if when you pull the curtain back there is no wizard. Fantasies can be like that all fire and brimstone and no substance. It is usually just ground cover for the uncertainty I carry hidden under a fake smile everyday. I wonder how many of you have to talk yourself into participating in your own life just one more day, everyday?
I have been on this journey (back to the version of me I like the best) for ten months now. It never gets any easier. Everyday I fight with myself about food. What should I eat? When should I eat? Am I getting enough protein? Chicken again !?! Funny but when I grazed on food, like a barn animal, I never once worried about what was in my food unless it made me feel icky. Now that I am on program I am always thinking about food! Last week at my WWs meeting the discussion turned to boredom. Boredom with the food choices, boredom with the all the label reading, boredom with the meetings. I am not sure it is boredom that kills the process. Maybe it is the always behaving? Maybe I don’t manage my emotions (over real or imagined indiscretions) well and my doubt starts to float to the top?
This week when I went grocery shopping I forced myself to buy some new snacks. I bought some biscotti, some wasabi soy beans (scorcher), and some baked pea “cheatos”. I am not bored. I am falling into the “I know what I am doing so therefore I can now bend the rules and have some fun with the wiggle room I have convinced myself I deserve! “zone. I need to be careful! The negativity demons are always lurking in the dark corners waiting for me to slip and fall. It is far easier to walk off with wounded prey than it is to take down a healthy member of the herd.
I sometimes have doubts that I have what it takes to continue on this journey. I need to do this. I really want to do this. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I am not a quitter. I will find the strength to keep going. Only on a weight loss journey will you hear the words I am a loser, so I can learn to be a winner! = )
I can only be me. Advice I need to listen to more often? Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!