If I Only…

What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

If I Only Knew Then What I Know NOW…

Could have, would have, should have. I am my own worst enemy. I am good at it. I have been beating myself up all of my life; well for most of it anyway.  I dwell on my failures instead of my success.

If only. I often find myself repeating that in my head. If only I had been prettier, smarter, quicker.

If only I had more ambition I could have been… sound familiar?

The truth is I didn’t know then. I am certain I wouldn’t have wanted to know. Who wants to know they will be a fat, unhappy teenager who will grow into a fat, unhappy adult?  that it is a lot harder to walk away from sadness you have been forced to carry around in order to keep peace in a stressful situation? No one’s childhood is made of sunshine and lollipops. Mine was a mess of mental hospitals, medications, psychiatrists and therapy groups. My mother never once got any better. My dad worked all the time. I think he was overwhelmed by the seriousness of my mother’s mental issues.

There were three of us girls. We were left to our own devices.  We learned to eat around the goings on in the house. My mother bought more junk than food. Anything with a Hostess label was a prize; chips, cookies, pizza every payday. My dad is the one who cooked the healthy stuff, which he didn’t do often because he was always working.

I am like a helium balloon let loose to the sky. At first rush of freedom I soar up, up  ,UP but a breeze or a wind current always captures that helium balloon and becomes the master. Self-worth is a difficult concept for me to hold onto. My dream? to be able to nurture myself into something wonderful, amazing and awe inspiring. One day I want to be free. Accept me for who I am just as I am. No more self-hate. Why is it that I can’t accept myself?

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