Light It UP

She moves along the hall trying to feel her way to safety. A vague light shimmers in the near distance. It is hard to stay focused but she knows if she can get closer to where the light shines she will almost be out. Her breaths are rapid from fear. She can feel her heart beat against her chest. She hasn’t felt this type of fear, well since the last time it almost killed her.  Panic and you die. Keep your head in the game. THINK. She keeps repeating the mantra she taught herself so long ago. She forces herself to slow her forward progress and draw deep slow breaths into her lungs. You are ok. YOU are OK. You ARE oK. She is closer now. Is it the light of hope? That one feeling deep in your soul that tells you will survive.

I know I will be ok. I am always ok, it’s part of what makes me the hot mess I am = ) I don’t know why I feel the need to speak up perhaps it is because no one ever spoke up for me. I have a deep need to be heard. I know I talk to much. Sometimes I go to far and hurtful things escape my lips. Never corner a cat. I strike out and say hurtful things when I feel threatened. Problem is once the words let fly you can’t get them back or make them less painful to the recipient.

I wanted to be so much more than I allow myself to be. Give me wings and I’ll learn to fly; turns out I am afraid of heights 🙂 who knew? What happens to someone like me who found her bravery by defending the innocence of someone she loved? I am only fearless when I need to protect someone I love. My bravery? a false front I put on like a mask no on can see around. As people we only allow ourselves the love we think we deserve. I wish I grew up knowing what I was worth. I settle for less but I deserve more.

2 thoughts on “Light It UP

  1. You make me so sad. That you don’t even know how much you are worth! What a wonderful daughter that you are! You ARE worth so much more, I only wish you knew. Love you always. Andrea

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