Sunday September 20,2020…Odd date, right? Having nightmares in the wee small hours of this morning. I am not alone in my dreams. I sense you (my self loathing self) just out of reach. I know you are watching me as I try to work out the frustrations that keep me tossing and turning. I don’t always want to do the right thing. Sometimes I do not want friends or a husband or a place to live. I want to be free of everything that holds a person to the earth. The darkness I try hard not to entertain. Today it has the upper hand. I am not in a good mood.

Some youthful asshats chose the end of my driveway for their own private idea of a good time, no surprise they woke me up. How surprised they were when I yelled at them as I shone a flashlight into their car. “How stupid!” I seethed to myself when they asked to borrow said flashlight so they could locate a dropped shoe? I could have been armed with more than a light. I could have called the police. I could have done a lot of things. They drove away. Damage done. I was angry, wide awake and in the depths of a pit of darkness.

I ate my anger. It seems that old trick still doesn’t work but I thought I’d give it the old college try anyway. My anger hasn’t gone away so I guess the only way to get to a better place is to get moving to a better place. I have learned that when I pay attention to how I am feeling I can usually save myself the pity party. I wasted today. I could have made better choices with my food, with my energies, with all most every aspect of today. I want a Mulligan. In reality tomorrow is Monday, no Mulligan for me.

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