…and I how I escaped. On this crazy journey to the best version of myself I wandered a little from my path and entered the comfort zone. That false plateau with the fluffy comfortable furniture and tasty snacks where nothing EVER seems to happen.
Last year during this same stretch of September my beloved Pops passed away. I have struggled to stay on my path since. I will not give up. I absolutely refuse to go back to where I once was.
While dearest hubster and I enjoyed vacation earlier this month, I took the time to throw myself out of the comfortable place. I have been lounging in there for too long. It’s been a great party, Pity, but really you must be going now. Do you think I’ll ever learn? not to give into my darker side? I hope someday I will be stronger.
I am proud of myself; I am into my second completed week of going to the gym! {Enthusiastic cheer} and this morning I went with a friend to my very first Tai Chi class. I loved it! Thank you Christine = ) I left there feeling calmer, relaxed and refreshed. After class we took time to get in a two mile walk. Stress is an everyday life occurrence for people in all walks of life. Some days I handle it well, others not so much. For most of this week I was not in a good head space. I miss my Pops. It seems surreal to me that he has been gone for a year; I have struggled with a depression brought on by his passing and the void it left in my life.
I didn’t have things going on in my life to fill the space where he once was. I have spent most of the past year maintaining the weight I am currently enjoying. VICTORY! VICTORY! If you know me you have an idea how HUGE that is. My usual operating parameter is to go full on eat until my soul is numb and broken. I am just not interested in punishing myself anymore for feeling sad. I lost a wonderful human being. There will always be a void but it has gotten smaller because the sadness is slowly changing into peace and acceptance of the situation. I am different. I have changed. I want to be in my life even when it is ugly and uncomfortable.
It is time I return to myself and the things I find joy in. Wherever I go I take myself along. It’s time to put my grief in my pocket and test the world again. I am most happy when I am honest about my feelings. I am most successful when I give myself permission to fail. I learn the most by never giving up.
Who wins? Who loses? Not me. I know better. I know I am loved by everyone in my life, except by ME the one who matters the most in this relationship with the world. All because a long time ago before I learned how to reason like an adult someone crushed my soul by comparing me to someone I wasn’t. “Oh, why can’t you be like…” If I had been the person I am now I would have told that well meaning aunt to PISS OFF. I am not, nor will I ever be, anything more than who I already am. This aunt used to snide remark me all the time because I was “bigger” than my sisters. I still am by almost six whole inches. What this aunt meant was that I was heavier; therefore, I was of less value. “No one wants a fat wife.” “Girls are supposed to be thin and beautiful.” “You don’t need seconds” Seriously? The first time I ever remember throwing up because of eating anxiety was at her house.
There are always consequences for the choices we make. I chose to make some bad choices while on vacation. I had FUN oooooooooooooooooooooooh but I made myself sick. I got caught up in a very serious game of Cat and Mouse. I am getting way too old to keep falling for the same one liners but fall I do and usually very hard.
notsolargemarge 