Recalculating…

How badly do you want it? When I was younger I wanted it so badly I made poor choices and tried crazy things to get it. I bought into the whole parade of elephants. How marvelous you’ll look and feel. How everyone will notice your previously undiscovered beauty. How people will hang on your every word like you are spewing wisdom only your fountain can produce…and it was all horseshit and feathers.

You know what? I guess I don’t want it that badly anymore. All the years I have wasted chasing the perfect body size and for what? I lost weight once so I could have children, then I found out I was barren. Jokes on me. I lost weight so men could think of me more as a woman than a fishing buddy. It took me well into my thirties before someone wanted to tackle my box…PUN INTENDED. Jokes on me; hubby thinks I am beautiful just the way I am. I am tired of chasing that rainbow… take me as I am because I am done.

I always quit. My road is too long. The pain too great, the rewards are not there. But wait…

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…today I popped all the balloons I have been carefully inflating to have at that last pity party.

I have been creating a negative headspace for sometime now. I am angry because I have stopped actively pursuing my weight loss. I have not lost one pound in a YEAR! No, that’s not true;  I have gained and lost the same thirteen pounds for a year. I can see the path I want to be on but I have not been dedicated to reaching my destination. Maybe my GPS is broken? My Pops has been passed away for nearly a year, yet I still catch myself getting ready to go see him at the nursing home. I have something now I haven’t had in a very long while. TIME; I HAVE TIME!!!! So much of it that I am having difficulties filling it with positive things to do. I need to find something to plug into those afternoons that will keep me active, off the couch and engaged with people I enjoy.

I start a vacation very soon. I think I will take that time to make a plan, join a gym, return to program and once and for all cross finish line and start a new journey. Who  needs a perfect body? I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

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