Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

In The Evening

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So it’s another Friday night, I am sitting in my office trying not to be distracted by the number of phone calls that are coming in to my landline (yes, I still have a landline) which are cold calls for crap that I will not buy or sign up for or be tricked into giving away info about myself or my sex habits or food preferences. Gone are “the good ole days” when my house phone would ring and there was an actual person on the other end of the line that I cared about. I only kept my landline for my Dad who was living with dementia. He lost many memories and was often very unsure about things around him but he KNEW my phone number. I was his lifeline from a better time. I kept that landline for him so he would always be able to find me. Sometimes life is about the small things that make us feel loved and safe.

I wish he could find me now. There are days in my life that I do not do well with:  May 15, June 9, June 11, September 28, October 12, January 30, February 6. My list used to be shorter but as I lose people in my life I find it growing. Like the last flower in a field I find myself turning against the wind, trying to be brave. Where have all the flowers gone? Where are the bees? I need to feel the warm of the sun on my face. I want to be embraced by the love that was once mine to have that I often ignored or mistreated.

I am oddly emotional this evening. I am tired. I do not want to adult today. Today I wanted to spend time with my Dad in the worst way but he had other plans. I am sad because I MISS THEM. The people in your life are your greatest gift, they know all of your secrets good, bad and scary and they choose to love you anyway. Cherish them.

Sabotage

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I rained on my own parade. Today was not a good day. There was a snowstorm today. I like to tell myself that I am Okay, that I can survive anything but I have a secret. It’s a lie. I was blessed/cursed (depending on my mood it could be one or the other) to have one parent with serious mental illness. I like to think that I am above that affliction and that there is nothing in the world that can get under my skin. If I work hard enough and fight the gallant fight I will always overcome whatever obstacles lie in my way even when I am the obstacle.

My mother had anxiety about everything. The TV, the weather, medicine, news of any kind. You name something, anything and she had a fear or a superstition or a complaint about it. She couldn’t calm the thoughts that raced through her mind and often screamed out when her nerves gave her a run for her money. Yes, she was one odd duck but she was my mom. I learned to become who I wanted in spite of her shortcomings as a parent and  with no solid direction as to which way to start this race.

I picked up more than a few unhealthy habits form her. Instead of finding a way to deal with something that is bothering me, I simply picked up on her cue to avoid any bad situation by stuffing a bag of chips down my gullet.  Man, there is nothing like a sugar high when your anxiety is running off the scale and you need (not really) to feel the rush from a case of the jitters brought on by too much crap.  I HATE WHEN I DO THAT!

I was not kind to myself today. I tried to have a good day. I kept busy. I did not watch storm coverage. I filled my (trapped indoors by a storm) day with chores. My house is sparkly. I was trying so hard not to dwell too much on the fact that I was stuck inside that my anxiety get the better of me. I fed those emotions with crap that I don’t care about or for that matter, particularly like but I did it. Why? I learned to calm my anxiety that way… my mother self medicated so I self medicated. BAD, bad idea; but, I am learning to learn from my mistakes. I do not enjoy the hangover from food burnout. I have come to enjoy eating healthy to feel healthy. I am feeling better now. Tomorrow is a new day. There is no more giving up on myself. I need to work harder on not giving into my inner demons by letting them have their way. I am not a spoiled child that needs to be told yes over and over again in order to feel validated. I stopped being the worst example of myself over a year ago. I am not going back to that dark place ever again if I can help it.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Oh to be 50!

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February 6th. It seems like an ordinary day and for most people I am sure it is. It is one of my toughest days to get through every year. Brenda was born on this day 1967. I write about her every year on her day. Love does not diminish just because the one you loved has gone, it simply becomes something quieter, something different. The tears that are rolling down my cheeks right now are a mix of sadness and joy; sad for the things we will never do together and joy for the acceptance and love she always gave me. Just because you have siblings does not guarantee you will enjoy them but I was lucky. She was my kid sister, my friend, my confidant, my partner in crime, mine.

She would have been 50 years old today. I can’t help but wonder if her beautiful red hair would be a slight shade of pink from the subtle grey hair I am sure she would be trying not to take ownership of. Would her beautiful face be wrinkled from time? Things I will never need to know the answers for.

The girl I grew up with was shy, timid almost. I swear she was born with a broken heart. She did not know her worth. As the saying goes,”you only accept the love you think you deserve.” So yes, you guessed it; her taste in men was HORRIBLE! We were both so young living life trying to find a path to our own happiness. Why didn’t I see she was hurting? Why didn’t I know enough to help her get away from those bad influences? Now, I have the experience of life behind me to understand but not then.

I freely admit when I think about my kid sister I always see her through rose colored glasses. That is the love I have for her. She wasn’t perfect. I am the one who put her on a pedestal. I am the one who tried to fix her brokenness. I am the one who didn’t see her truths because I didn’t want to look. She did some pretty shitty things to her life. I know now she was drowning, fighting to stay above water. She didn’t like herself. She never learned to forgive herself for her own shortcomings. She was convinced she wasn’t good enough. She spent her life trying to run away from herself instead of working her way TOWARDS something better. Once upon a time I was crying to her about my own struggles over my weight, my beauty, my self worth. I told her I would give anything to be like her because I thought she had everything. She sat very quietly listening to me and when she had enough of my pity party she said,” outer beauty is a prison. No one cares what I think or if I have a brain. They just look at me and make assumptions about my intelligence. They assign me a value. Men chase me like a prize to be won. I wish I were more like you; you have everything.”

Her words broke my heart but they made me see for the first time. We all struggle. We all have pain. I never got to tell her how much I loved her for all the things she was to me. She taught me so much about the power we all have but keep hidden in ourselves. After she died I came to learn from other people in her life just how much I meant to her. She admired me. I was her older sister and she was proud of me. ME!?! I am a better person because of our struggles together. Whenever I feel like I can’t go another step I try to remember that our journey together is not over just interrupted.

I miss you, Breny.

Love You,

Brenda and Trisha ,<3
me,our Pops,Brenda
pretty women

Trish

Yes, that Tiara is mine = )

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Once upon a time…the very best fairy tales start this way but then again so do some of the very best lies. I am not in a good space right now. I am trying very hard to focus on the whys. Why did I choose to go back to WWs? Why am I still doing this to myself year after year after year? Why are my attempts at redemption often so short lived? Why don’t I know how to just BE? In my past whenever I would gain weight (and trust me when I tell you I am really great at that) I was always hiding from something or running away. If I just eat this sandwich I won’t have to think about where I am going to get the money to pay the rent. Or I am still alone/unmarried but this Chinese food will distract me. Or I wanted to be a singer but I work in a distribution center because I have no faith in myself or confidence in my abilities so I am going to pound out this box of cookies instead of pursuing my dreams.  The days of numbing my feelings with food are not totally gone but I handle them better. My bad moments don’t turn into week/month long affairs.

There is nothing to hide from anymore. I am married and have been for over twenty years. Happily too I might add, even though sometimes I forget that and take my relationship for granted (dumbass). Not being able to accept the love that is given to me is MY character flaw. I have always allowed myself to believe that I am damaged goods simply because I struggle with my self image. I tell myself I am not pretty, I am not smart enough, I am not?

 

tiaraOnce upon a time there was a girl who believed she could sparkle = ) My tiara may be a little dented and some of my glitter has rubbed off but I am still here working for a better me. I will struggle but I will not give into myself just because I am having a streak of doubt with a side of anger served on a warm bed of what do I do next? Chin up Princess there is still much work to do.

I have finally learned…Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Happy Anniversary Baby!

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Got you on my mind. A catchy opening line from the Little River Band song. It’s really a song about a break up and the lingering feelings you have for that relationship. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my breakup with myself. Last year I decided I had had enough of mistreating myself and not loving who I am. So I let that destructive relationship go.

=  ) best thing I have done for myself in a long time. Today I am in a much better state of health but more than that I am happy with who I am. All it took was the spark of hope, a pinch of belief, support from the people in my life(thank you peeps),determination to reach for the stars and HARD WORK.

I am worth it. I am not the weak one. Failure is not in the trying and falling down. Failing is when you fall down and stay there. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be! I end my posts with this saying because it helps me to correct my path when I stray. I want to be the best example of myself.

Once upon a time … I felt like a beach ball with soft spots that wouldn’t stay concealed. Any idea how weary a gal can becoming spinning in her own circle of doom?  A self- perpetuating prophecy:   I can’t lose weight because I eat too much. I eat too much because I am angry. I am angry because I am unhappy. I am unhappy because I am heavy so I eat too much to distract my soul from my shortcomings which leads me to eat too much because I am angry that I can not let go of my anger so I cry because I know there has to be a better way but first I will eat this cake so I will “feel” better.  I was not getting better. I was harming myself. And the cycle needed to stop. So I took a chance on me. I stopped the cycle. I am living my moments and trying to take something good from them everyday. It hasn’t been easy, change never is but it is worth every rough patch and bump on the road. I accept sometimes mistakes will be made. I am just not willing to live in my mistakes instead I ty to learn from them and do better.

I found my true smile, not the one you paint on for other people. Do you know what I am talking about? Not the smile each of us use to cover anger and frustration, not that one, the other one, the real one you keep for yourself when you make the funny joke or solve the unsolvable puzzle or you are overjoyed by a random act of kindness or the smile love leaves you with. It is a simple thing, a true thing, beautiful really. It is contagious and makes even the most dour face shine. It costs nothing but it’s value is immeasurable when given away freely. Give one away today and see where it takes you.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!  =  )

 

New Weigh

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I have always held the belief that OVER eating is more than just not knowing when you have had enough of a good thing. For me indulging in the dark arts ( cookies, cakes ) has always been about my fear and anger of handling/not handling my own pain or discomfort. Growing up feeling inadequate with no one to tell me life is a learning curve, that we grow as we grow was tough. When I needed to be comforted and no one was there, food always was. If I was busy stuffing food into my mouth I couldn’t cry about feeling unloved. Food was always on stand by for times when I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or enough of whatever magical ingredient seemed to have not been shipped with my arrival into the world.

Food can not make you happy for long. Just like its calories, it is an empty friend. The only thing it ever truly gives me is heartache. Food can not hold my hand or help me to see that I am strong enough to work my way through the hard times. Food does not build character it tears down whatever small foundation I may have managed to put together. Food has proven to me that I have real weaknesses. It has taught me I can easily be swayed by an over processed smartly wrapped package of nutrient void glob whenever I am trying to avoid myself. Problems do not go away simply because I prefer them to.

I made the choice to get better. I am the only one who can guarantee my success by never giving up on trying to become the best version of myself. I decided to make peace with myself. The road is not always easy to travel but, what an amazing journey I am on.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

So Is This How Old Feels?

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…and if it is can we start a different game? For the first time in my recent history I just may feel as old as I actually am. I am not feeling well. I feel tired, run down. I am typing this blind right now because my eyes are burning so badly that I can not focus even with my glasses on. Ever since my episode of A-fib I have not been sleeping well, more from my own worries than whatever it is that my heart is doing. Yes, I am doing my adulting. I have an appointment with a cardiologist so let the testing begin ( and may the odds ever be in your favor). My symptoms are keeping quiet for the most part and my life is sort of back to the hot mess it has always been.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have never had the misfortune of being unwell. I am usually the one who takes care of everybody else. My poor hubby is worried about me in a way I don’t think he has ever been before. I love him for that but all of the hovering is making me nervous. He has no idea how to help me. His role has always been to comb my ruffled feathers back into place when a hair gets across my ass or I am upset over something small, trivial and of the utmost importance to me and me alone.

I am back to me. The me that was in this (better eating for a better me) for the long haul before the holidays hit. I shopped, I logged, I conquered. Well at least I did better with my choices this week and that, in my book, is a win. I feel like I accomplished something good for myself. I feel like I can continue to learn, live and succeed as a WW.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

Surprise!

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It is nearly midnight. As I shift my position on the bed it hits me. I am suddenly in a panicked state. I rush to sit up wondering to myself why my head is pounding so hard when I realize it is my heart going haywire and not my head at all. I am sweating and I am hot. I can’t seem to get my breath. My ears are throbbing as the blood rushes through my veins. I rip my sweatshirt off. I place my hand on the cold wall of my bedroom, trying to calm myself down and concentrate on my breathing. My chest feels heavy and my breathing is labored. My heart is beating so hard my ribs hurt. I pull off my t-shirt and attempt to stand. I am dizzy and my legs are wobbly.  I make my way to the bathroom directly across from our bedroom. I am scared but I am trying desperately to remember what I have been taught.

I take in the deepest breath that I can manage and force myself to cough. I need to make my heart rate slow and return to rhythm or fall into the likelihood of this situation escalating. I sit down on the toilet, draw in another breath, force another cough and bear down like I need to go to the bathroom. “C’mon, relax Trish. This is just A-fib. You know what you are supposed to do. Breathe, cough, bare down. Why is it that time seems to move so slowly and so rapidly at the same time? Is this what a time loop feels like?

I am in A-fib for six or seven minutes before my heart rate begins to slow and return to its normal beats. I am exhausted. My ribs hurt. I feel light headed probably from my exaggerated breathing but at least my heart is back on pace. I walk back into my room to sit on the edge of my side of the bed. I spend a few minutes trying to decide what to do. I know I will be out cold in a relatively short period of time. I clear my mind of all of the scariest of scenarios, put my t-shirt back on, climb under my covers and hope that I will awaken. I am tired so very tired…

I have been an active WW for nearly a year now. I am still a work in progress. I make mistakes. I am trying not to let the mistakes I make define who I am. I will not give up. I learn something new almost everyday. Before you ask, yes, I called my doctor. I went to see her physician’s assistant today. They ran a few tests and took my blood. I have had episodes of palpitations before but never one that has woken me from a sound sleep in the middle of the night. It is a good idea before starting a life style change (DIET) to have a check up with a physician of your choice. I always do. I would like to add that periodically you should check back in with said doctor and discuss any and all changes that may be occurring or that you have concerns about. I wish had.

I did something I loathe when other people do it. I didn’t ask for help. I did not wake my hubby. I did not call my doctor to talk with her about how crappy I have been feeling lately. All of these things are dangerous to ignore. I have recently come to realize that I am NOT on this life journey by myself. I am not alone. Who knew? Not me.

 

The Honeymoon…

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…is over! It’s official. The shiny newness of this lifestyle change that I have undertaken has worn off. The holiday season didn’t help much either. Well meaning people that foolishly think that in order to be in good cheer you must be over served, over hors d’oeuvred, over fed, and overwhelmed. Enough! I have had enough. When I started this ten months ago it was because I was living in the danger zone again. I left WWs on my own in 2008 thinking that I had conquered myself and my need to overfeed my demons. WRONG!

The only thing I successfully did was LIE to myself about my motives and my sadness. Addiction is the shittiest thing you can do to yourself. It is like one long bad date you wouldn’t let your best friend suffer through but you are going to take it on and WIN! All lies. I hate myself for all of the things that I think I should be able to control and can’t. I hate myself for not being perfect. I hate myself because it is easier than love.

No surprise but I did not enjoy my time off from work or the holiday season. Surrounded by people, none of them mine =  (   my first Christmas on my own. Yes, it is all on me. I chose not to be happy. Being content in your life takes work. My character flaw. There is no greater actress than the one who is bad at pretending to be happy. I wanted to sit on the floor of my closet with the doors closed and wail about all that I have lost. No one wants to see a clown cry but often the funniest person in the room hides the most tears. It amazes me that after all of my years of self inflicted ED injury I am still drawn to it in times of distress. Feed a soul that is hungry. What is it I hunger for?

The honeymoon may be over but my journey is not. I absolutely refuse to give in. My journey got harder because I put a roadblock up. I got complacent and a little bored. I sat down late last night. Angry and disappointed in how I have been treating myself, I decided to stop, rest, and access my situation. What do I need to change  in order to achieve my goal? The answer is always the same, my mind set. Accepting my truths, ugly sweater and all, works for me. Don’t buy food you can not trust yourself to be left alone with. Don’t even, just stop .

I can not eat sugar. I am a diabetic. It is a health risk for me. Sugar is not my friend. I am weak in its presence. I am unable to stop myself once I allow myself to partake of its sweetness. I am like a thirsty sponge in search of rain. I will eat and eat and eat until I make myself sick. It adds inches to my waistline and anger to an already sad soul. I am glad this holiday season is drawing to a close. For me, there is comfort in structure, odd but true.

I just had the courage to buy the bucket, now I need to make my list. Live your life! Spring is coming and adventure season will be here before I know it =  )

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be, I’m Not!

Ebb and Flow

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Life is about fluctuations. My weight fluctuates. My mood fluctuates. My interests. Think of something in your life and ask yourself if everything is the same as it has always been. I am betting not. I am on hiatus from my job until the very beginnings of the new year. I want to take this time to sit down, devote some serious time to writing and get back to my calm place. I missed WWs last Saturday. I have been struggling the last few weeks and while the scale has been kind to me; I have not been kind to myself. I have come to realize that I need to get to a meeting at least once a week. For myself to keep me on track, to keep my head in the game because it holds the best chance of success for me.

I find that when I am completely honest with myself and the people in my life I do better for myself. No more hiding my truth or going along to make someone else happy. It doesn’t mean that my truth needs to be your truth; it is mine and mine alone. I am unwilling to give up on myself. I have been donating the clothes that I no longer fit into. I would love to have a new wardrobe of pretty things. I have spent a good portion of my life dressed as a line backer. Someday my dream is to wear a dress without Spanks to smooth my line =  ).

I know that when I get on that scale tomorrow it will show that I have not lost. It will be right. I have not lost; I am winning! I am winning because this time I am not afraid to say I need help. This time I am not afraid of the “what ifs”. This time I want to be a better version of me. This time I am not willing to take less than my best effort. I am a survivor!

I am beautiful. I am strong. My ED will not run my life anymore! I am the boss!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be