Once upon a time…the very best fairy tales start this way but then again so do some of the very best lies. I am not in a good space right now. I am trying very hard to focus on the whys. Why did I choose to go back to WWs? Why am I still doing this to myself year after year after year? Why are my attempts at redemption often so short lived? Why don’t I know how to just BE? In my past whenever I would gain weight (and trust me when I tell you I am really great at that) I was always hiding from something or running away. If I just eat this sandwich I won’t have to think about where I am going to get the money to pay the rent. Or I am still alone/unmarried but this Chinese food will distract me. Or I wanted to be a singer but I work in a distribution center because I have no faith in myself or confidence in my abilities so I am going to pound out this box of cookies instead of pursuing my dreams. The days of numbing my feelings with food are not totally gone but I handle them better. My bad moments don’t turn into week/month long affairs.
There is nothing to hide from anymore. I am married and have been for over twenty years. Happily too I might add, even though sometimes I forget that and take my relationship for granted (dumbass). Not being able to accept the love that is given to me is MY character flaw. I have always allowed myself to believe that I am damaged goods simply because I struggle with my self image. I tell myself I am not pretty, I am not smart enough, I am not?
Once upon a time there was a girl who believed she could sparkle = ) My tiara may be a little dented and some of my glitter has rubbed off but I am still here working for a better me. I will struggle but I will not give into myself just because I am having a streak of doubt with a side of anger served on a warm bed of what do I do next? Chin up Princess there is still much work to do.
I have finally learned…Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be