Category: Ponderances

For questions I can’t seem to find the answers to.

Tantrum VS Truth

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Welcome to this heavy weight battle for the championship of self-esteem. In this corner sporting cute Batman shorty pajamas and a new attitude: Truth.  Tough to beat, harder to fight… And in this corner Tantrum wearing an ice cream stained t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs. Her style is messy and unpredictable. Winner, winner chicken dinner? Again!?! with the groceries? Really?

This is proving to be an epic battle of the wills. Will I make healthy choices? Will I eat an entire container of Nutella? Will I keep going to WWs? If you are to buy into the WW weigh(pun)of life they try to make you believe that you can eat anything as long as you figure out the points. *TRUTH ALERT* yeah, not really. Right now I am eating cheese ravioli with cheese sauce, ground beef and hot sausage, because I LIKE IT. Following WWs I can have THIS but in order to fit it into program I should only smell {{{sniff, sniff}}} this and eat something else. Not going to happen. I know there will be no weight loss this week for me. (TANTRUM)

I was fighting the good fight. I was losing weight. I was working hard; and then just like that [snap of my fingers] I stopped. I want to set a goal for myself. I know I need to stop fecking’ around and find my exercise path. I need to re-examine my whys. [TRUTH]

I have allowed myself to fall back into the comfort of being disorganized, unprepared, worn out and worn down. I have been lying to myself that it is okay to overeat all of the tasty foods I can no longer have. All this time and I still fall for all of my old tricks. (TANTRUM)

I know I feel so much more alert and healthy when I make good choices. I am able to do so much more with my day when I am actively taking part in my health. I am a happier person. I enjoy being around the people in my life. I enjoy Feeling Good[TRUTH]

Why do I keep fighting with myself over my same disappointments? (TANTRUM)

What do I really want? I want to walk away from all the crap I have layered across my path. I want to embrace the peace I know I have in my life. I need to trust myself. I know what I am doing; I know what I need to do to be successful. I can do this.[TRUTH]

Bored, deprived, hungry, angry, disappointment…all excuses(TANTRUM)

No one is going to make me do this. I have to figure this it out on my own.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be. I’m not [TRUTH] = )

Zero Words

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It almost equals the amount of F*@K$ I have to give today. As I sit here I am not feeling any attraction to the word muse. Is it possible I have run out of meaningful things to say? to share? Has my word well run dry? I don’t think so I am just exhausted and aggravated. Have you ever lost a friend? I don’t mean misplace them or leave them somewhere but walked away from, stopped enjoying, did not want them in your space, kind of lost?  I am not sure I ever really considered them as a friend.

I can not meet expectations I know nothing about.WHY AM I SO ANGRY? I’ll tell you why; because they dumped their emotions about my “betrayal” in my lap as if I was the only one participating in the relationship. When shit goes wrong as it sometimes does there is always more than one version of a story. Your version, my version, and, yes, ladies and gentleman, the TRUTH, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the TRUTH.

I am sorry you have anxiety but I am not nor have I ever pretended to be your shrink, or your pacifier or your medication. Own your illness. I own mine, all of them! I make no excuses for myself. I blame NO ONE for how I am. I try everyday to be a better version of myself. Funny how you seem to piss through friends and yet it is NEVER your fault. TOE PICK! Check yourself. I was wrong. I knew better. I refused to see the warning signs of the impending storm. Like a cornered cat you took your chance and lashed out at me. I am sorry I let you down. I will not wait for your apology because as usual you didn’t do anything wrong and one will not be forthcoming. Have a nice life. I will add you to my short list of DO NOT DISTURB, too disturbed ! this one is already too far gone.

The Empty Hanger

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Sometimes I sit here and I feel at odds with myself, my world, my family. I am sure I am a huge NOBODY and what I say or do does not matter in the least to anyone, not even to me, but that is not reality just my anxiety. Do you know what you mean to someone? No guesses, truly know? I am betting that you don’t. I know I haven’t a clue. Every once in awhile if you are very lucky you meet someone that stands out in a crowd, someone that makes a difference to your world, someone that you are happy to know. I always strive to be this person. I want to make an impression you cannot easily walk away from. I want to be someone you remember in a wonderful way. While I am good at expressing myself on this side of the keyboard, in person I often feel awkward and stumbling.  In the privacy of my little office I can organize my thoughts and feelings and type away my fear, anger and frustrations with complete freedom.

I started writing in my youth to help combat my inner demons. My mother battled mental illness her whole life. As a result I grew up believing the worst of myself. Struggling with my worth, my identity, I was GIRL LOST. I have been fighting with myself for so long just trying to be something other than what I think I am. So who am I really? I am someone’s wife. I am someone’s daughter. I am someone’s niece. I am someone’s cousin. I am someone’s aunt. I am someone’s sister. I am someone’s best friend. I am someone’s last hope and someone’s first smile. I AM SOMEONE you will never forget.

Flowers would be nothing without bees. Small and insignificant yet mighty and powerful. DSC_0190I called out of work earlier this week when I returned, a coworker casually told me how she felt when she walked by my desk and noticed my lonely, empty coat hanger keeping watch over my desk. It was only after noticing how empty it looked without me that she felt a sort of sadness over my not being around. I know I looked at her with a measure of wonder. I can never tell her how much that touched my heart. Never underestimate what you mean to the people in and around your life. Bee something wonderful to the flowers in your life = )

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BEE!!!

Darkness

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It sneaks up on you. One minute you are enjoying your moments and the next you can feel it creep along your spine, the darkness. I feel my skin pucker from goose pimples in anticipation of the dread that comes with the darkness. I hate mood swings. I fight them off everyday but the closer I get to the start of my cycle the worse they get. The longer they last and the more likely I am to be steps away from feelings of despair and failure. Have you ever had a fight with yourself and lost over something stupid and trivial? Yeah, I hate when I do that to myself too, but; it happens. No one is immune.

On one hand I LOVE being a girl and on other hand I LOATHE being a girl. I am not overly feminine. There are no feathers or fluff (except if I am talking about my waistline) and fashion is nearly foreign to me. I enjoy being female, my thought processes are very girly. I get so jealous if another female looks in my man’s general direction. I love the feel of my man, next to me, in me, with me, loving me. It makes my heart heavy with love that I am more than enough for him, that he finds me beautiful , that he thinks of me as his best BEST friend. He makes me feel like I am sexier than any super model.  He never gripes when I am angry and emotional during my cycle. He is sensitive to my discomfort. He never gives up on me.  He tries to soothe me and I am an asshole to him.

I LOATHE being a girl. It hurts. The shoes are small and I look dumpy in dresses. I hate feeling bloated and my flow tries to kill me every month. Last month I was in bed for two days, brought on by cramping, nausea and heavy bleeding. I wanted to scream but all I could muster were plaintive cries like a tiny kitten who has no idea how to help itself. I hate the world, I hate being alive. I hate that despite our best efforts, all this pain, bleeding and misery never got us any children. I hate that I want to eat everything and anything that might, even if it is for a few minutes, distract me or bring me comfort or happiness. Of course, that never happens. I over eat, over analyze, spend precious time contemplating bullshit I really do not give two shits about. And why? Why do I do this? because I have never been able to walk away from my true nature long enough to effect positive, permanent change. In a few days, I will feel better about myself, our life together and my weight loss efforts after FLO lets go of the hold she has on me.

I get up day after day trying to be a better version of myself. The struggles are real. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and roll in on myself but there is that small glimmer of hope in me that says, “Don’t give up!” I have been married to the same man for 21 years. I love him today as much as I did that first time I realized I had tripped over something real.

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Just Wonderful

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Whenever someone asks me how I am I always reply, I am just wonderful. Sometimes I mean it the exact way it comes out. I am just? wonderful = (     I am JUST wonderful!   I am just wonderful.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL and the truth lies there somewhere within.

I had a great week. I sit here most Friday nights and I update whomever it is sitting on the other side of these words and I recount my headspace. Was I in a good mood? Did I make better choices? How I am feeling emotionally about some of the craziest things in and around my life. Tonight I didn’t feel as if I had anything to say. Hubby and I stop in for supper at our favorite local pizza shop after my blog has been published every Friday. Tonight he made polite inquiries into when I might be ready to go get some “groceries”. He asked me how much longer I might need to finish up and he seemed quite surprised when I informed him I had not yet written ONE SINGLE WORD. He threw me a quizzical look and asked me if I was all right. Of course, I responded, “I am just? wonderful = (  ”

“What’s wrong?”

“I had a really good week food-wise. I don’t know what to write about. Maybe nobody really wants to hear I did ok this week, that I was in a good space and I just enjoyed my life. My blog is supposed to be about my WW struggles”

“I think you found your blog post. Write about doing well.” I frown.

“What if I jinx myself?” My hubby looks at me sideways, “Do you really believe that?”

I guess somewhere on some level my inner child must believe in the power of self-jinxing, why else would I hold onto such a ridiculous idea? Practice something new long enough it becomes a routine or a habit, hopefully a good one. Maybe that’s what is really going on. I have finally accepted this truth for myself; I feel wonderful and I like feeling well. I noticed this week that some old pieces of clothing, t-shirts mostly, that I keep for my “full” days are no longer comfortable to wear. So holding to my new philosophy of ‘if it does not fit, do not keep’, I have four bags of gently loved clothing to donate.

As soon as I took ownership for my well being I began to feel better. I work on being the better version of myself everyday.  #IAMJUSTWONDERFUL  thanks for asking  =  )

Is it okay to admit that I feel amazing? because I do! feel amazing that is ; )

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Learning to be kind to one’s self is the toughest feat

Welcome…

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outputto my world! Everything I need, that I have always wanted has always been within my reach. I just didn’t want to believe I could accomplish great things. Why is that? Why do I cast doubts? Why do you? why does anyone for that matter. Why is it easier to accept that someone else will do better, be better?

I wanted to have more weight off by now, instead I am maintaining. I am not bored with my lifestyle change, I am just drained. The soggy Spring and this new interesting journey the medical professionals like to call Menopause has taken me down a road I don’t get much happiness traveling along. I am trying not to give into my own bad self. I like where I am at this moment, on this particular stretch of the journey. I am finding out new and scary things about myself. Like, how I can twist a mood swing in just the right direction causing the airflow to change course and send a cool breeze along regions of my body that have secretly burst into flames (hot flash) ! Ok, maybe not but I have been surprised on more than one occasion by the sudden need to cry over a pet food commercial or the unexpected joy brought on by a silly meme on one of my social media sites from a few days previous. Things I have never entertained ideas of doing I am now making elaborate plans for. Why is that? Because life demands that you take part in it! The ride is intense and doesn’t last nearly long enough.

I guess everyone’s mid life crisis is a work of art.  Life is really a short journey we pack inappropriately for. Never pack sandals to go to a ski resort or wear a parka to the beach. What does that even mean? For me, living in the moment is a great idea but it lacks purpose. I need a focal point, a goal. At the end of my road I want people to remember me as a vibrant, beautiful force of nature who accomplished great things because I refused to give up. I have more things to do, see, dream, cry over and finish. I know tomorrow the scale will be less kind but I am ok with that. I have had a rough week so I paid less attention to WWs and more to myself and my well being.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Reign, rein, rain

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Reign  : to rule over
Rein    : a restraining influence, power to direct or determine
Rain    : condensed moisture of the atmosphere falling visibly in separate drops. A large or overwhelming quantity of things that fall or descend.

I HATE rain. Listen, I know it is good for the earth, the soil, flowers… blah, blAH, BLAH! It washes away the bird poop on my Jeep, the earth worms are swimming in it, and my socks are wet.  Thank the higher being for RAIN! Well, if you don’t mind;  Hell, even if you do mind, I will sit this round out. The sky cries and I want to cry right along with it. How is it that I have gotten to this golden age of I should know better and yet I find myself struggling today to make the good choices. I wanted to sleep today for the entire day but… life has needs.

I feel like I am in a Snickers Bar® commercial. Crabby and out of sorts. Unhappy and argumentative.

So… I ate but I wasn’t hungry for food. I am hungry for satisfaction. When will I be satisfied will what I have, with who I am? with the man I married? WHEN? There will never be a singing career, there will be no fantastic voyages, there will never be any children. Once upon a time I had big dreams of being more than the small insignificant life I lead. All gone like dust in the wind… I wonder if anyone else ever feels this sad when it is raining. Or is it just me?

To go outside I need to wrap myself in plastic wrap to avoid the unavoidable soggy that will invade every available warm dry spot. My hair will curl and frizz, my mood sinks lower and lower. I know in the place where I keep my truths I am in that lovely phase right before my cycle. I become a roller coaster of emotion. Medical professionals call them mood swings. Trust me when I warn you there are days I have to be careful not to swing at your head with a metal folding chair. I know in three to five days this level of sadness will dissipate and I will once again be Fragging Happy Poppins, Mary Poppins’ crazed half sibling, but until then I can’t stand myself or the rain or people.

Rant Over

What should I learn from this? Weather does not really reign over how I am feeling about myself or life. It is just a convenient excuse for me. I alone have the power to rein in how I handle my emotions and last but still overwhelming; my hatred for rain has not diminished one skosh since childhood. I was having several bad moments so I decided to make them into a frosted cupcake, lesson learned, mischief managed. MOVE ON!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Sunshine

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Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.

Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.

The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?

Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.

Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.

Should I be Good?

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Should I be bad? Don’t be a fool you fool.

Right now, as I sit to write this it is 9:20 pm I haven’t the slightest idea what I am in the mood to talk about. There has been exactly ZERO important thoughts or events or moments this week. Can it be? that my life has hit the BLAH ZONE? That lovely time of year after Winter has been put to bed but before Spring has emerged from the shower? I think I have the BLAHs. Winter has been so, well , I don’t really have a cool word for it so let’s just go with cruddy. I haven’t lost any real weight but on the flip side I haven’t really gained any real weight so I am happy. Not a word one hears much from a career “dieter” sorry WWS but that’s what I am or at least it is how I always viewed myself until recently.

I have come to the Plain of Acceptance, that low lying area of grass where we set up the lawn furniture every Spring. Time to face the facts there are some things about me that I will never be able to change or unknow or unsee or unbreak.  I used to fight against the wind but now I like to set my kite to the current that will carry me somewhere I want to be. I have formed some new friendships while being wise enough to let others go. I am really starting to enjoy being healthier.  I am the choices I make. My life is happy and peace filled because I make it this way. Life is not easy. It is filled with pain and tears and disappointments but it is also filled with love and music and laughter. It is up to us what we want to fill our lives with. For too many years I let mine be filled with the sadness I didn’t want to have. Ignoring something doesn’t make it smaller or cause it to go away I have found that the harder I try to ignore something or not deal with an issue the LARGER it becomes and the larger I become.

Here’s the thing, I don’t have the answers. I have been chasing after answers since I was twelve and felt the first pangs of not fitting in, of being different, of not feeling comfortable in my own skin; and I am just done with it. I don’t want the answers anymore. I don’t need to know. I no longer care if I don’t “fit” in. I like being a misfit. It’s who I am, it’s what I do  = )

Life is the journey we are all on together = ) Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be

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The Ripple

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If you are very fortunate in life there are people who “get” you. My personal list happens to be on the short side. My life’s path has been blessed by many people, and yes, some of you have been really lovely but let’s be honest most of you don’t  “get” me. The pool of people in my life (people that I hold near and dear to my heart and soul) is rather small. I have never been quite sure if  I can attribute that to my unwillingness to meet new people or to the fact that most people are too judgmental and hurtful. Recently this pool of mine has lost some members. There was no lapse in coverage or a failure to renew. Their life cycles just stopped spinning.

Now, even though it is not true, I feel like I am spinning all alone. My cousin Mike was a kind, unique human being; and just like a flash of lightning he is gone.  Once again I find myself in the place of regrets, with thoughts unspoken and deeds undone. How did our lives end up on opposite shores? How do I tell you how much you have always meant to me? I can’t.  I can only hold onto my belief that somehow you know how golden we once were, before life and dreams of adulthood separated our paths. You will always live in my heart where I hold onto all the wonderful things from my life. You always made me laugh. You always listened when I was certain no one heard.  You were more than a ripple in the wave of my life. I owe you more than I can ever pay forward. You were one of the reasons I learned to fly. I hope you know that you are loved. I will forever miss you. Rock the Heavens. Lord knows they could use better music.

A ripple seems like a small thing until you realize how big its impact is. Be the ripple in the waves of someone’s life. wave