Head Space

In the interest of better living I have decided to stop torturing myself with the world of WWs. I want other things in my head space, positive things. I find the longer I try to conform to the plan the more lost and depressed I become. This in no way means that I am quitting. Sometime in my future I may once again embrace the culture of WWs, I just need to find who I used to be. This has been quite the relationship but when something that has been good for you becomes something else, you have to be wise enough to take a step back and figure out if where you are headed is where you want to go.
I need to put my WWS experience away for safe keeping. I need to travel a different path for awhile. I am sorry WWs but from now on you’re only someone that I used to love.

The time has come in my journey for me to find where I let myself out on the side of the road. I learned food basics along time ago. In my quest toward ” solve for X” I put aside my truths in exchange for a dream that I built on wet cocktail napkins and cheap party tricks. Somewhere I convinced myself that if I could just fix my fat self  I would have more in my life. There’s in nothing wrong with what is in my life. I bought my own lie. I guess it’s true what they say (who ever “they” may be) that with age come wisdom. It is time I believe in my own power again, find what makes me happy…and today for the first time in more than six months I did.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself. I wander around lost in my head unable to tie my laces and finish the race. I find if I listen to my heart I usually find my way back.  Oh! Look! I am right where I left me = )  Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE!

Where Am I Going?

O-M-G will Spring ever get here? I swear if the sky spits one more snowflake at me I-AM-GOING-TO-CRACK. I am now at that part of my circular journey where I am at the beginning again. Bursting at the seams on all of my favorite clothes, swearing that this time it will be different because of course I am different {really?} The thing about lying face up in a gutter on a busy street is it gives a person a weird perspective. Everyone is so much taller. All joking aside, I have hit rock bottom. I am so disappointed in myself. I have been careening down this slope at break neck speed not trying to gain any type of control on my descent. Wanting to change and affecting change are two very different roads.

I have been unwilling to put forth any real hard work. I let my determination fizzle away like a dropped ice cream melting on a sidewalk on a hot day. Why? Why don’t I care enough about myself to want to be the better version of me for any length of time, why?

Because being a SLOTH takes very little effort.

sloth

Today is another chance to change. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. All of my emotions right below the surface, close to the cuff just in case I NEED them right away. I allow myself to become overwhelmed with possibilities before any situation truly presents itself. Definition of a perfectionist? All or nothing. My life journey is not perfect neither is anyone’s for that matter. Why do I always approach everything as if I can’t have any mistakes or my efforts are for nothing? Flawed belief system. Gives me the excellent excuse to simply stop trying, except I am also insanely stubborn. There will be no waving a white flag, no surrender, no. Not while I still have a fighting chance of being a better me.

Here’s to my thirty-ninth second chance! (raising my cup of coffee high) I’ve run this course before let’s see if this time I don’t crash and burn. I know it will take sometime before I start to feel better. There is a long road ahead of me but I am always up for a grand adventure. I will have to learn to listen to my body again. I need to get back to eating on a schedule to maintain healthy blood sugar levels. I am diabetic and lately I am having episode of the shakes, which are dangerous peaks and valleys in my blood sugar levels caused by eating JUNK. giphy

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

UPDATE: I summoned all of my left over courage this morning and drove myself to a WWs meeting. The house was packed. I haven’t been to a meeting in a month. I am up just over 2 lbs. Excellent considering I had spent this whole time building it up to be a weight gain of MAMMOTH Proportions. My journey continues…

If She Knew What She Wants

Whenever I am really quiet I hear a small voice screaming from the depths of my soul. She is my true self; the one that wants to be free but I refuse to let her into my life. I wish I could sort out what I want from what I need. My biggest fear? I will get to the end of my life and be the same hot mess that I am right now. I want to stop. I am not interested in punishing myself anymore. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect in my WW journey. Changing out terrible eating habits for better eating habits is a job that never ends. One bad choice on my part and I spiral out of control, sometimes for years. When I say bad choice I don’t mean potato at supper instead of salad, I mean I get bored or angry or frustrated and then I just decide to stop going any further. I cave in on myself. I have been brooding about how I walk away from myself since before Christmas letting my anger fester, growing more and more discontent with myself.

Depression is a merry go round I never truly get to escape from. Have you ever listened to the lyrics of the Pink Floyd song HEY YOU? It is the desperate cries of someone who feels invisible and wishes to be SEEN. I feel like people never really see ME. They see my persona, the shiny part of the mirror that deflects away from the broken shards that make up my soul. That persona draws people in like a moth to a flame.  HOLD IT! WAIT!! STOP!!! BULLSHIT ALERT!!!!

Is it okay to call bullshit on myself? The people in my life don’t always know when I am hurting or in a bad head space because I do my damnedest to keep them at arms length. Feeling invisible is on me no one else. {breathe, just breathe} No one is a mind reader. Sometimes I can’t make up my own mind so why would I falsely believe people don’t know me? or can’t see through what is causing me distress?

I don’t want to be like my mother. It was hard growing up in a family with a damaged parent. I am shrapnel in a wound that won’t heal. I am not sure how I ended up here feeling like this again. I feel like I am lost at the edge of the woods. I can see where I need to be but I am over run with anxiety about which path to take so I choose no path, which adds to my anxiety, which makes me spiral farther, which adds to my depression, which adds to…

I need to quiet the noise. I need to return to myself. I need to be the person I am. When I wander too far from myself all of my relationships suffer. I smile less, I worry more. I am dissatisfied with myself, my life, my hubby, my friends. I mope around. The only energy I am willing to spend is for napping.

Honestly, I have happy moments. I know that I am loved. I have wonderful friends. My lifemate stands as my rock. He steadies me when I feel all is lost. He angers me, he moves me, he loves me even when I don’t love myself. Is it possible to become a beautiful butterfly after the age of 50? I don’t know but I will never give up trying. The sun will shine again. Spring is here, more hours of sunshine and warmth are on the way. Adventure season starts soon. There are always going to be things in my life that need attention in order for me to feel my best. I need to learn to ask for help. [ What a novel idea = ) ] We are all on the same road trip called LIFE. Will you walk with me awhile?

I love this song from GODSPELL.

Let’s Talk

img_20180320_195524655283036148.jpg Little slips of silliness that sometimes spew volumes of wisdom at you, my favorite part of a fortune cookie. I have been having a difficult time being myself lately. I have allowed myself to drift away from my “yellow brick road” yellowbrickroad (the journey I want to be on) for a path I like to call, “The PATH of Self Loathing”. If I waste to much of my energies on hating myself I lose my way. It becomes nearly impossible for me to get back to the journey that makes me the most content. I know better but sometimes I don’t want to be better. Sometimes I just want to be allowed to sulk, to be uncooperative and shitty. Not wise on my part at all. I am having trouble at night sleeping without being awoken by night terrors. Bad mojo I can’t seem to shake. Something has to change.

I’m sorry. I am not apologizing to you. I apologizing to myself for my own misguided, misplaced misbehavior. Sure, I got bored with adhering to the WWs way of life but that is no reason to just pack it up and pack it in. So what is really going on with me? I have no answer. Life is truly a verb, in other words, I need to stop feeling poorly about myself and just do the things that make me like the me that I am.

The ancient Chinese symbol about the delicate balance of life is yin yang. I have always been drawn to yin yang. This is how I view my life. I let my life become distorted with negativity. It is time I stop, rest, assess, formulate a plan, move forward and embrace the positive. I need this.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

It Ain’t Over ‘Til…

…the fat lady sings. Ironic because I am always singing.   😉   turns out I am not ready to be “over”. I took some time off from following my WW path and got totally L-O-S-T.  Every time I get lost in myself, I gain weight. Irony at its best. I struggle every day. Every single day I pray for tomorrow, hoping things will be better without any effort on my part. I get angry when my prayers are not answered. Foolish much? I mistreat myself with food. I act like a petulant child that never seems to get her way. Even I am tired of me.

I have had enough of my bullshit. I need to have quiet time away from myself and the noise that is WWs. Right now my heart is just not in it. My life started to feel too much like a hamster on a wheel.  I even walked away from my writing. I have 5 posts sitting in my queue just waiting for me to hit publish…

I Stayed Too Long, I Strayed Too Far

The time has come to pick up the pieces of my life once again, pull up my big girl panties and continue on from where I left the ride. The sad reoccurring theme to my life, the never ending cycle of circular logic. I EAT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY, I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I AM DISAPPOINTED. I FEEL SAD FOR FAILING, I AM SAD SO I EAT WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY WHICH MAKES ME EAT… it never ends.

I guess the real question should be why? Why do I always stop myself from completing my journey. When did I decide I had to “fix” myself? I don’t  know but I was a young girl possibly second or third grade. I think that would have put me in the eight years of age range. I am so tired of not being enough for myself. I am a good person. I like to think I am the type of human you might want to hang with. I have excellent communication skills. I love to laugh. I love with my whole being. I am tender hearted. Jeez zus ! I sound like an ad for a shelter animal. “Trish is a sweet old girl who is good around people. She is potty trained. She would do well in any home situation…”
 
I need to STOP trying to fix myself, relax, be in my life the way I want to be. I would love to move onto the next phase of my life’s journey. You know what phase I am talking about? That place in your psyche where you finally feel at home with yourself? Boldly facing the world and its haters;  telling them to go fuck themselves. I don’t need to change! I am beginning to realize that sitting through every WW meeting waiting to learn something new about food and its role in my life is foolish. Food is my drug of choice. Meeting or no the only true way out of this hell I live with is to work through it. No shortcuts, no lying to myself, no eating crap like I am a kid at a candy store.

Learn to alter my behavior for once not my clothes. Live through and experience all of it; the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, the joy, the exuberance, the love. I wasn’t kidding when I told you that while I may wander from my place in line, I will never leave the parade until the last float crosses the finish line.Dr.Seuss

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE.   = )

 

 

Friday Night Freedom

I chose quiet over crowds. I chose silence over screaming. I chose to be comfortable in front of my laptop screen unwinding from my work day instead of going to a hockey game tonight with my hubby. I just need a break from all the noise. This is about me making some much needed quiet time for myself. I don’t often talk about what it is that I do for a living to pay my bills, I don’t want to bore the snot out of you. Let’s suffice to say that yes, I am gainfully employed and be done with that messy business. I think I can say with all honesty that we all have the same frustrations in common. I gave up a boring job in a boring department to move onto the bright lights of a job no one had before me. Nothing like jumping out of an airplane without a chute. I always wanted to learn to fly.

I have worked for the same company for just shy of thirty-four years! We are like an old married couple afraid to move on to greener pastures, finding comfort in each others existence but most days the sight of you turns my stomach. Wow! when did this happen you might be wondering? I think somewhere in the late 1990s if I were to wager a guess. But there is something to be said about the sameness of something. There is comfort in routine. I like to think that I am good at what I do. But…sometimes I just want to be an extra in a Hollywood production of “This COULD Be Your Life But It Isn’t” Change my routine, have some fun, think outside the box. When I first started my JOB I was barely nineteen. I often joke with new hires and visitors that when I started my job I was young and beautiful; now, I am just beautiful. The crowd laughs but it always makes me a little sad.

I now belong to that crowd of “not young anymore”. I have been downgraded to the  “matronly” category. Thank the Fountain of Youth gods I haven’t hit the “older than dirt, die or retire” set just yet. Not “old” old just older. I am not having an easy go at it. I feel out of step now. My life is ok, I feel vibrant and alive. It’s just I feel like all the people I work with are so much YOUNGER than I am. Once upon a time I was on their side of the tracks now I live on the dark side. Growing up I loved that Disney movie Freaky Friday but this is ridiculous. Some mornings I do feel like the crypt keeper. People around me ask for my sage advice; while I am honored it kinda bums me out. It bothers me more than I like to admit, must be my “age” hang up. I know I need to find my zone. I need to reacquaint myself with my inner child, find my internal fountain of youth. Maybe I am just suffering with that ‘lack of energy and enthusiasm (lethargy) which can be a sign of winter depression. Known medically as seasonal affective disorder (SAD)’. They actually have a depression syndrome called SAD!  How poetic. Nice that science finally admits that winter makes people sad! About damn time sciency people! About damn time.

I love Maxine. She is my spirit animal. I am already feeling better. I have enjoyed being alone with my thoughts. Time for me to get back into the mainstream of my life.

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To Be

 

Janus Man

JanusMeans “archway” in Latin. Janus was the Roman god of gateways and beginnings, often depicted as having two faces looking in opposite directions. The month of January is named for him. January is the month of reflection. We all look back on the year that is leaving and we worry about what is rounding the corner of what will become the new year. I stopped making New Year resolutions before I was out of my teen age years or did I? That is a question I have been chewing on since mid- December. I think my life long resolution remains; be the best version of yourself everyday!

In my heart of hearts I know I am a good person. In the words of Popeye,” I yam what I yam.” Popeye poster I refuse to waste anymore time on the year that has just ended. My life is not a script. There are no re-writes to be handed in, no rehearsals for opening night. This is it kid, your life in glorious Technicolor. I don’t always like the path I am traveling on. I whine. I complain. I cry. I carry around resentment like a toy poodle in a hand bag. I get so sick of myself I want to be anyone but ME. No matter where I try to run I am right there with ME baffled by own stupidity. I have had enough. I will not continue to punish myself for my shortcomings anymore.

I have finally accepted that I actually prefer to eat clean rather than to bog myself down with JUNK. It is okay to be kind to yourself. You are the only copy of the book called This Is Your Life. Below please find the love letter I have in my heart.

Dear Trish,

You have an amazing capacity for love, share it. You are friendly and welcoming to everyone around you; learn to be kinder to yourself. You give everyone else the chance at making things better. Extend the same patience to yourself. A smile and a heart felt compliment does more for a person’s soul than any amount of chocolate. Celebrate all the wonderful things that make up your life. You have great friends. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. Stop under estimating your ability to be the best example of yourself. Embrace who you are, look at where you have come from, make plans to get through the obstacles on your path and play on. You just have to BELIEVE in the power of you. Kudos to you for getting out of bed today = ).

Love….ME

I showed up today. I went out this morning in the gusty winds and drove myself straight to my favorite Saturday morning WWs meeting. I swallowed my pride and stepped onto the crusher of dreams, (key music), the Scale.  Guess what? The world has not ended or stopped turning. I was angry for a few minutes but I have to accept what I have done to myself once again in the guise of “taking a break”, “relaxing” or any of a hundred other excuses I could use. The time has come for me to pull up my Big Girl panties, dust myself off and return to my spot in the grand parade.

I did not enjoy my time away from program as much as I convinced myself I would. I really hate the way craptastic food makes me feel and look. When I stick to my version of the WW program, the things that work the best for me ; ), I am a much happier person. I am more positive in my approach to the world and its human beans. I like myself more. Eating in a healthy way helps me to live a better life for myself and the people in my life.
My road is long and arduous, the scenery (me) beautiful. I am making my journey worth every step I make.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be…EVER

Wise on Whys

I am honest. I am real. I try to be true to myself. Sometimes I pitch a fit and I am not kind to myself. I have never been able to figure out why I can’t be my own best friend but I  can’t. I have been trying for so long to accept myself, to like the person I am, and to be at peace with myself that I forget that once upon a time I was all those things. Children are wonderful at knowing who they are. Sadly most of that awesome self acceptance and awareness gets changed by adults who think they know better.

Once upon a time in small town America there lived a little girl with golden hair, a cherub face and a soul filled with the lightness of being. I am cursed with a memory that holds onto useless info as readily as a wrapper holds a candy. With knowledge comes power, sometimes that power is not a good thing. I was a golden child until I started school.I was happy to live in ignorant bliss, public education changed all that. My childhood in a nutshell, before going to school, I was precocious. I asked a lot of questions. I was encouraged to be bright and full of life. With the coming of age I was  required to be educated. Off to school I went, only to find out there were queues to stand in for everything, no one cares if you are bright, no one wants you to be full of life; they want you to be compliant, obedient.

And that’s where all the fun and frustration began…I lost my sense of awe. I stopped wanting to know why.

I have decided that I have had enough of being a jerk to myself. I stopped thinking about my whys. Every time I allow myself to forget my whys I fall flat on my face. One would think that at my age I would be wiseR but I am not. I have always sorted out my feelings by trying to hide them. Why? I have a right to experience how I am feeling yet I try to suppress or deny them. Why? My response to raw emotion is not pretty. I have never learned to find peace in the chaos. I was not allowed to “feel” my way through sadness or stress or anger. I found other coping skills. FOOD:  my lover, my enemy, my friend, my partner in crimes against crumbs.

I have learned many things about myself and this crazy WW program that I try (yes, sometimes I actually try) to live with. Nutella is not my friend neither is any other processed carby junk food which hates me but makes me crave for its attention. I often struggle with my whys. I started obsessing with my being overweight so many years ago now that I am not sure my original reason why is still valid. I have come to a place of understanding that I do not need to be a size 8 to be happy or to be loved or to be friended or valued. I know those things are not my WHYs.

Why do I worry about my whys? What are my whys? Do have any whys? The answer?

I WANT… to be a better example of myself. I WANT…truth over lies. I just WANT to be happy with the person I am and the honest effort I put into being me everyday. No strings, no promises, no bullshit. I WANT…to be able to breathe, to climb a flight of stairs (without going into cardiac arrest), to button jeans [without having to stuff my muffin top into the pockets], to let go of self loathing because hating myself is easier for me than love. I WANT to remember how wonderful it felt being that little girl who knew her whys. I love the way I feel when I eat food I don’t have to be angry about or worry over its negative effect on my health. When I eat/drink the right things I am not thirsty from diabetes. I don’t crave more junk. My moods are better. I like being with me. I am more optimistic in how I approach every single day.

I am over feeling angry about the program changes that have once again tipped my cart over. There are bigger concerns in my world. Today I found the path again that led me back to my WHY.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Updates

What is happening to our internet world? I go off to work, when I come home I find that Microsoft has updated my laptop without first warning me and yup, you guessed it threw my musings into a bin, literally. It took me the better part of two days to locate and restore my missing data. At first I thought I had picked up a virus, really just what every writer who uses a laptop as their medium needs, ERGH! Thank the writing GAWDS it was just an UPDATE!  Just as I got things back into some semblance of an order, Google did a thing with their drive !UPDATE ALERT! and I find myself once again chasing missing info.

I have missed you. Yes, it is true = ) don’t be embarrassed. I find peace sitting at my keyboard sharing myself, fears, wishes, dreams with someone who hears me. I went to my WWs meeting last week and I actually managed to lose a few pounds. WWs  corporate has reinvented the wheel and now EGGS are FREE ! Chicken breast, turkey breast, beans are FREE ! Yeah right and I am Ginger from Gilligan’s Island .

Ginger2 NOT!

Surprise people!!!! Foods you eat are not free. Some foods are packed with better nutritional value than other foods that doesn’t make them free! I came home filled with angst not joy. I have been angry all week. In the guise of freeness WWs has taken away points. I am pretty sure the small weight loss I had last week has packed its bags and moved  itself into my hips.

I know in my heart of hearts that if I walk away from this program I will return to it heavier than when I left. Stress eating you are the bane of my existence. Christmas time never stops being stressful. All the parties you “have to” go to, all the money you spend, all the BS of the prep work for a day most people have forgotten the true meaning for.

I know in time (when my clothes are choking me) I will work the program again. Right now I am just not feeling it. I just want to sleep until Spring. I am tired. I want to be ready to tackle this with all of my best efforts, right now it’s not what I am doing. I am at this party wanting to be anywhere else. I am not ready to embrace this new “FREE” food idea. Maybe tomorrow…