Shakespeare on a Sunday

Most stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. I see no relevance in discussing my beginnings. Right now I seem to be stuck in the middle so let’s start this story here. I am up to my full figured waist in IT right now. I need to get my head out of my arse. Why is it so difficult to stop doing something that brings nothing good to your life?  I know what I need to do but I can’t seem to convince myself to do it.

Sometimes the only way to get to the other shore is to jump into the water and swim towards the opposing shore. No complaints, no carefully made plans just thrusting full throttle for something other than what is currently not working for you. To quote Shakespeare, from Hamlet ,”This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” … and yet somehow every day I make compromises and I am not true to myself.

As many of you know I married a man whose passion is anything hockey. Every fall I find myself at odds about the start of the season, the loss of free time, the crappy weather, the angst that comes with game day prep (and he isn’t even on the team!) and the sense of loss I feel over not feeling the adrenal rush that every other hockey groupie gets. I have made many friends because of this sport. I cherish them all.  BUT…I miss my freedom. What can not be changed must be embraced. I am writing this missive not because I am looking for sympathy but for clarity in myself. It is time to stop complaining about something that at least for the moment is unlikely to change. I am uncertain how to move forward but I need to.

I have often wondered why every time I go on a eating better for better health kick I can’t make it a lifestyle. Why does doing well become my new obsession? Why do I lack the ability to stop all the thoughts that crowd my mind about being hungry? about wanting? about feeling deprived? about feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t born with a magical metabolism that keeps me thin? I have no energy for these bullshit thoughts anymore. I just want to feel healthy. I want to climb a flight of stairs and not feel like I am going to die from lack of oxygen. I want to bend over and tie my shoes. I want to stop feeling tight in my own skin. I want to stop obsessing. I want to feel vibrant. I want to wear and buy clothes without Spandex being my only option. With all of the ever changing methods of WWs(not that I am blaming them) and my own personal demons I am left feeling like I am trying to climb Mount Everest over a piece of toast. That is just wrong. EAT THE TOAST. I know what to do. It’s time to do it.

I am going to mix things up with my blog, spend less time commiserating about my struggles. Write about the joy of life. I know it’s out there.

JOY
Joy

The Pain of Being Me

Some times I am not honest enough with myself; other times I am so honest I hurt my own feelings. I mean WTF? Imagine if I just let myself live in peace?!?!? Once again I find myself in a space I created, and an unsafe one at that. I am sure you have all heard the phrase ‘to paint oneself into a corner’.
beetlebailey Well, I am really good at doing that. Lately I have been getting to the end of my work day feeling exhausted, drained, and spent. I took a hiatus from trying to be healthy right around this time last year and well, just as you might think, I am fluffy. I am getting way to old to keep fighting with myself. The fight is over. No winner, just a draw. No rematch planned. I just can’t do this bugsbunny gif  to myself anymore.

I own all that is me. The things I have built into the legend that is me and the things that are just my sad truths. No more hiding, no more trying to conform. People will either  like me or not, their choice, not mine. Choose wisely. What is next for me? I really don’t know. I will continue to share things to my blog. I will continue to be a hot mess but from now on I am going to try my hardest to be less of a hot mess. I am picking up the pieces of my puzzle. I will keep trying to arrange them into some version of myself I can live comfortably with. I need to worry about my health before I find myself chasing after what I once took for granted.

I am watching old TV specials of Barbra Streisand as I free write (putting down what ever pops into my grey matter) this blog post. Somehow in the course of living I forgot how much I really love her voice. Perhaps there is still time in my life to SING because it makes me happy. Do you think that some people are just born with the talent to sing? I mean really sing without any voice lessons? Streisand helped me survive my teenage years. I would come home from school feeling friendless, angry, and ugly. I would turn up the volume on my mother’s Emerson stereo and sing every album I owned of hers. I would sing away all the hurt, disappointment, and uncertainty of school day. Her music would take me to a place of hope. Every note, every change in key, every breath carefully taken between key notes in the music or phrasing. My brain knows and can still reproduce every song even after all these years.  I still don’t need a pitch pipe.pitch pipe

 

Love Handles

I was thinking in the shower this morning, while I was shaving my legs of all things, that lately I feel like my love handles have turned into carry-on luggage.

It is no big secret that I jumped off my wagon and pushed that bitch right off a cliff but the time has come for me to get back to the journey at hand. This morning I woke up with a feeling that there is a fast approaching corner that I am speeding into. I need a new wagon. I need to start managing my health in a different way.

Hockey starts next month and then in short order, my anger becomes a problem, for me. I turn this misplaced disappointment in on myself. I sulk, I feel sorry for myself, and then I eat things no serious diabetic should. I feel trapped by something that is not my passion. The days get shorter as well as my temper. I say hurtful things, sometimes to the people I love the most. Hockey and all things pursuant of hockey is my hubster’s passion, not mine.  His full on zest for hockey has killed all of the like I once held for this sport. Every year I promise myself not to sit at the booster club table and eat the candy…every year that promise lasts maybe ten minutes. I will not do this to myself this year.

If you really read my blog and not just “like” it to be nice, you know that I often say never under estimate what you mean to someone. I am always surprised when someone from WWs reaches out to me and asks how I have been or why I have stopped going or the level of kindness that is shown to me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I really like the back and forth when I am at a meeting. I have met many amazing people. I make them laugh, they make me think. I just wish the corporate side of WWs would stop reinventing their program EVERY YEAR! We all know that if you eat twice as much as you need, you will weigh twice as much as you should! I am always the one I hurt the most when I give up on myself. It is time I start to believe in what I am capable of again. I miss feeling wonderful, healthy, and alive!

I have been wanting to return for some time now but have lacked the faith in myself to overcome my fear of failure. Failure is a great teacher, even if she is a bitch to live with. Failure has taught me that I have the strength to try again. I am more than I think I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

 

 

muffintop
A movie? Seriously? 
muffin-top-baking-cups-2
muffin top anyone?

 

August

It s a Saturday morning late into the month of August. I am sitting in my chair in my office (comfort zone) where I like to pretend, plan, and hope for better. Whatever that better might be…sex, job, weight, hair style. I am a lousy adult. I hate most everything that goes along with adulting: working, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, decisions, decisions, decisions, and responsibilities that never end. Hell, I don’t want them in my life let alone have a list! The older I get the more I realize that what I am really looking for is PEACE. Peace with myself. The time for growing into the person I thought I wanted to be is gone. Instead of working on myself I have been trying to catch a ride to anyplace that will take me away from myself. Huh? I know, right?

I let this  happen to me (September 1,2018) today. I walked into my grocery store and almost bumped into someone I went to WWs with. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I avoided eye contact, pretended that I had not seen this person, and walked in the opposite direction in search of my binge food. Have I lost my flippin’ mind? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I find a way back to the surface? I was embarrassed. I stopped trying to be a successful WW. If you know me you can see it quite plainly. Avoiding this person only filled me with shame and anger. Not healthy emotions. I have eaten crap all day today in a backwards attempt at masquerading how I am feeling.

Life is precious so why does it feel so mundane to me? Maybe this is what getting old is really about… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone… Autumn is closer now than I ‘d like. I am not going to struggle with myself anymore over this bullshit. No more obsessing about my weight… I just can’t do it anymore. It is not helpful. Good bye sauces. good bye granola bars, good bye Nutella, good bye peanut butter (I will miss you most). Good bye to all the carb heavy things my demons crave. Good bye processed food. Good bye I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M (tissue?) Cheese? I am sorry, but we have to break up. It’s me not you. No, that’s a lie. It is you. Our relationship is not healthy.

I log over 12,000 steps a day! I feel every step. My legs push their pain on me. My legs and knees are my enemy. My lungs scream for air. I cringe at the thought of stairs.   Menopause has given me heart palpitations as a gift. I miss bending over to tie my sneakers. Jeans? Oh, don’t even get me started. I am certain that by now none of my favorite hoodies fit or my pants or my winter coat… maybe shivering in the cold while I am naked, will count as exercise and some of my frozen tundra will just chip off !?! 

It is never too late to try once again, so I am told. I still have some misadventures left in my soul.  Cry Havoc! and slip loose the dogs of war! What say you? Do I still have fight in me or should I lie down in a field of flowers and await the vultures? I may slip and falter but I  will never give up or live my life lying down.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

 

 

Friday Night Exhaustion

I finally put it down for the night. My feet and lower legs are beginning to swell. I know because I feel tight in my own skin. I hate the way my feet feel at the end of a long day of chasing my own tail at work. Concrete is my harsh reality. It gives a person all sorts of grand things to complain about: leg pain, foot pain, back pain, shin splints. It is no joke.

I log about 12,000 steps a day at work. Pretty impressive for an old lady who is overweight. Fall is fast approaching and I need (want?) to be able to wear pants but I have outgrown most of the ones I own, again! I am tired of being tired. The Summer’s end will be here before I have any real time to adjust. I have a physical with my primary care physician coming up in October that I want to cancel. I know it comes with advice and judgment and self loathing. I have had just about enough of the self-hate. The photos of my life show me as I am FLUFFY. I have been in some sort of a fluff state since fifth grade. I am trying to unlearn bad habits still. I no longer have the desire to be thin and beautiful. I will settle for just being beautiful! I hope that is enough because that is all I have left to give. I want my good health.  It won’t happen if I keep exposing myself to dangerous elements.

I long to move onto other things beside my angst over eating healthy. I mean I have angst about wrinkles and grey hair and oh let’s not forget about the fact that as I sit here aging at an alarming rate my skin is beginning to get crepe-y, eww. crepeyskin

Getting older is not for the timid. I refuse to let it keep me from being in my life any longer. I have been in a dark space since late last year, October I am guessing. I felt like my attempt at weight loss had become more of a burden than it was worth. There was no fun or spontaneity! I don’t think I was ready for how much effort and determination there really is to accomplishing any lasting results. It had taken me a full year to lose just sixty pounds. I was angry. It seemed laborious and valueless. In my anger I forgot how good I was feeling, health wise.

I started to obsess about every little thing I put into my mouth (NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT PROCESS!!!!) and I felt like once again I was becoming about what I eat. Can I be happy today? I ate well yesterday! so yes! Can I go to the movies? I ate well all week! so yes!?! REalLy? I think this was my WTF moment. So in my usual fashion I just stopped caring about trying to do the right thing for me; which brings me to now… I have not actively been to WWs for months. The corporate WW mantra of POINT FREE foods (food with NO consequences) is a bold faced lie that is plied onto the hopes of people who struggle to lose weight when the focus should be about fixing your well being. TRUTH ALERT!  It is all about balance. I will be going back to my WWs meeting, for my friends I made there and because of the leader. They have helped me be a better version of myself way more than any corporate mantra ever has.

This time next Friday I will be on vacation from everything for 9 glorious days! I need some time to just be quiet. I have taken up the reins again. No more obsessing. I am better than that. I want more than that. I know not facing something now doesn’t mean I don’t face it. Life has a way of slapping you when you need it most but want it least.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

Head Space

In the interest of better living I have decided to stop torturing myself with the world of WWs. I want other things in my head space, positive things. I find the longer I try to conform to the plan the more lost and depressed I become. This in no way means that I am quitting. Sometime in my future I may once again embrace the culture of WWs, I just need to find who I used to be. This has been quite the relationship but when something that has been good for you becomes something else, you have to be wise enough to take a step back and figure out if where you are headed is where you want to go.
I need to put my WWS experience away for safe keeping. I need to travel a different path for awhile. I am sorry WWs but from now on you’re only someone that I used to love.

The time has come in my journey for me to find where I let myself out on the side of the road. I learned food basics along time ago. In my quest toward ” solve for X” I put aside my truths in exchange for a dream that I built on wet cocktail napkins and cheap party tricks. Somewhere I convinced myself that if I could just fix my fat self  I would have more in my life. There’s in nothing wrong with what is in my life. I bought my own lie. I guess it’s true what they say (who ever “they” may be) that with age come wisdom. It is time I believe in my own power again, find what makes me happy…and today for the first time in more than six months I did.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself. I wander around lost in my head unable to tie my laces and finish the race. I find if I listen to my heart I usually find my way back.  Oh! Look! I am right where I left me = )  Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE!

Where Am I Going?

O-M-G will Spring ever get here? I swear if the sky spits one more snowflake at me I-AM-GOING-TO-CRACK. I am now at that part of my circular journey where I am at the beginning again. Bursting at the seams on all of my favorite clothes, swearing that this time it will be different because of course I am different {really?} The thing about lying face up in a gutter on a busy street is it gives a person a weird perspective. Everyone is so much taller. All joking aside, I have hit rock bottom. I am so disappointed in myself. I have been careening down this slope at break neck speed not trying to gain any type of control on my descent. Wanting to change and affecting change are two very different roads.

I have been unwilling to put forth any real hard work. I let my determination fizzle away like a dropped ice cream melting on a sidewalk on a hot day. Why? Why don’t I care enough about myself to want to be the better version of me for any length of time, why?

Because being a SLOTH takes very little effort.

sloth

Today is another chance to change. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. All of my emotions right below the surface, close to the cuff just in case I NEED them right away. I allow myself to become overwhelmed with possibilities before any situation truly presents itself. Definition of a perfectionist? All or nothing. My life journey is not perfect neither is anyone’s for that matter. Why do I always approach everything as if I can’t have any mistakes or my efforts are for nothing? Flawed belief system. Gives me the excellent excuse to simply stop trying, except I am also insanely stubborn. There will be no waving a white flag, no surrender, no. Not while I still have a fighting chance of being a better me.

Here’s to my thirty-ninth second chance! (raising my cup of coffee high) I’ve run this course before let’s see if this time I don’t crash and burn. I know it will take sometime before I start to feel better. There is a long road ahead of me but I am always up for a grand adventure. I will have to learn to listen to my body again. I need to get back to eating on a schedule to maintain healthy blood sugar levels. I am diabetic and lately I am having episode of the shakes, which are dangerous peaks and valleys in my blood sugar levels caused by eating JUNK. giphy

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

UPDATE: I summoned all of my left over courage this morning and drove myself to a WWs meeting. The house was packed. I haven’t been to a meeting in a month. I am up just over 2 lbs. Excellent considering I had spent this whole time building it up to be a weight gain of MAMMOTH Proportions. My journey continues…

If She Knew What She Wants

Whenever I am really quiet I hear a small voice screaming from the depths of my soul. She is my true self; the one that wants to be free but I refuse to let her into my life. I wish I could sort out what I want from what I need. My biggest fear? I will get to the end of my life and be the same hot mess that I am right now. I want to stop. I am not interested in punishing myself anymore. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect in my WW journey. Changing out terrible eating habits for better eating habits is a job that never ends. One bad choice on my part and I spiral out of control, sometimes for years. When I say bad choice I don’t mean potato at supper instead of salad, I mean I get bored or angry or frustrated and then I just decide to stop going any further. I cave in on myself. I have been brooding about how I walk away from myself since before Christmas letting my anger fester, growing more and more discontent with myself.

Depression is a merry go round I never truly get to escape from. Have you ever listened to the lyrics of the Pink Floyd song HEY YOU? It is the desperate cries of someone who feels invisible and wishes to be SEEN. I feel like people never really see ME. They see my persona, the shiny part of the mirror that deflects away from the broken shards that make up my soul. That persona draws people in like a moth to a flame.  HOLD IT! WAIT!! STOP!!! BULLSHIT ALERT!!!!

Is it okay to call bullshit on myself? The people in my life don’t always know when I am hurting or in a bad head space because I do my damnedest to keep them at arms length. Feeling invisible is on me no one else. {breathe, just breathe} No one is a mind reader. Sometimes I can’t make up my own mind so why would I falsely believe people don’t know me? or can’t see through what is causing me distress?

I don’t want to be like my mother. It was hard growing up in a family with a damaged parent. I am shrapnel in a wound that won’t heal. I am not sure how I ended up here feeling like this again. I feel like I am lost at the edge of the woods. I can see where I need to be but I am over run with anxiety about which path to take so I choose no path, which adds to my anxiety, which makes me spiral farther, which adds to my depression, which adds to…

I need to quiet the noise. I need to return to myself. I need to be the person I am. When I wander too far from myself all of my relationships suffer. I smile less, I worry more. I am dissatisfied with myself, my life, my hubby, my friends. I mope around. The only energy I am willing to spend is for napping.

Honestly, I have happy moments. I know that I am loved. I have wonderful friends. My lifemate stands as my rock. He steadies me when I feel all is lost. He angers me, he moves me, he loves me even when I don’t love myself. Is it possible to become a beautiful butterfly after the age of 50? I don’t know but I will never give up trying. The sun will shine again. Spring is here, more hours of sunshine and warmth are on the way. Adventure season starts soon. There are always going to be things in my life that need attention in order for me to feel my best. I need to learn to ask for help. [ What a novel idea = ) ] We are all on the same road trip called LIFE. Will you walk with me awhile?

I love this song from GODSPELL.

Let’s Talk

img_20180320_195524655283036148.jpg Little slips of silliness that sometimes spew volumes of wisdom at you, my favorite part of a fortune cookie. I have been having a difficult time being myself lately. I have allowed myself to drift away from my “yellow brick road” yellowbrickroad (the journey I want to be on) for a path I like to call, “The PATH of Self Loathing”. If I waste to much of my energies on hating myself I lose my way. It becomes nearly impossible for me to get back to the journey that makes me the most content. I know better but sometimes I don’t want to be better. Sometimes I just want to be allowed to sulk, to be uncooperative and shitty. Not wise on my part at all. I am having trouble at night sleeping without being awoken by night terrors. Bad mojo I can’t seem to shake. Something has to change.

I’m sorry. I am not apologizing to you. I apologizing to myself for my own misguided, misplaced misbehavior. Sure, I got bored with adhering to the WWs way of life but that is no reason to just pack it up and pack it in. So what is really going on with me? I have no answer. Life is truly a verb, in other words, I need to stop feeling poorly about myself and just do the things that make me like the me that I am.

The ancient Chinese symbol about the delicate balance of life is yin yang. I have always been drawn to yin yang. This is how I view my life. I let my life become distorted with negativity. It is time I stop, rest, assess, formulate a plan, move forward and embrace the positive. I need this.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

It Ain’t Over ‘Til…

…the fat lady sings. Ironic because I am always singing.   😉   turns out I am not ready to be “over”. I took some time off from following my WW path and got totally L-O-S-T.  Every time I get lost in myself, I gain weight. Irony at its best. I struggle every day. Every single day I pray for tomorrow, hoping things will be better without any effort on my part. I get angry when my prayers are not answered. Foolish much? I mistreat myself with food. I act like a petulant child that never seems to get her way. Even I am tired of me.

I have had enough of my bullshit. I need to have quiet time away from myself and the noise that is WWs. Right now my heart is just not in it. My life started to feel too much like a hamster on a wheel.  I even walked away from my writing. I have 5 posts sitting in my queue just waiting for me to hit publish…