I Believe I Can…

WWs has decided to end the virtual Sunday morning meeting I attend. I am not happy about their shortsightedness. I have wanted to leave the WWs for sometime now, thanks for the assist corporate overlords. I have never been a fan of large meetings. I enjoy a smaller assemblance of people who are struggling with the same issues that I am. Smaller meeting sizes ensure that every voice has a better chance to be heard. Every participant feels included, valued, really seen. I feel like we became framily. I have made many friends over the years from my meetings. The corporate overlords have once again made the mistake of thinking that they know what I need better than I do.

The time has come for me to leave the nest. All these years I have been preening when I could have been flying. If this pandemic has taught me anything it is that I am stronger than I knew. I can lose weight. I am able to stick to a regimen of better food choices. I am capable of great things. It is all in my mindset. Negative thoughts and actions bring more negativity to a life. Positive thoughts and actions bring positive things. Life is about balance. Have I grown up? LOL! I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I am determined to see myself succeed. I am worth all of my best efforts. Today may very well be the last meeting I attend. The internet is full of FREE apps to track food intake, exercise, mental well being. I have taken steps to make my life better. I let go of some toxic people and toxic feelings I was holding onto. Maybe WWs is becoming toxic for me. The time to take a chance on myself has come.

I stayed at WWs all these years because I was afraid to fly. I didn’t trust my journey. I have confidence in my own power. I am not afraid. Let the journey take flight on a new path.

I GOT THIS

Fortune Cookie Wisdom?

Put out into the World that which serves you best. My way of saying,” be kind and see kindness returned, show love and understanding, be loved and understood. Put your best efforts forward, be rewarded with a job well done. I have not blogged for awhile. It is hard some days keeping my happy/healthy mindset in check. Let’s face it, most days the only thing people are thinking about is when will COVID finish running its course. Will we be okay? Will I be the next person to get sick?

It is increasingly more difficult to stay positive, to be happy, to be hopeful especially when the people in your life, people who mean everything to you are distressed. This weekend hubby and I raked our leaves, a chore I admit that I loathe and yet it felt like a day in the land of normal. The air brisk, the sky bright, the mood awesome. It felt AMAZING. We even managed to go out and buy a chest freezer without having to wait until our “item” would be back in stock. An all around stellar day. AND… then there was Sunday, {{{sigh}}}

My Sunday mornings have been the same routine since March. I get to wake up without an alarm (best feeling) I trudge out to the kitchen, start the coffee, gather laundry. I have a standing 8:30 am ZOOM meeting with fellow WWs many of whom I have become quite friendly with. I like to think of our group as a beautiful oasis in the midst in the Desert of Menusha. This lovely group of people boost my happiness quotient each week and I really miss someone when they don’t show up.

My usual Sunday started out well enough. Coffee was made, laundry was started, I was working on my bill pay and grocery list. I was making a second pot of Joe so I could sit and enjoy my meeting when the noises or lack of noises caught my attention. There is something to be said about an old fashioned wash tub and board. They never broke down UNLESS the operator did. My wash machine was doing its own version of “the Electric Slide”. Hubby and I bought a new washing machine shortly after we moved into our first home in 2012. I am grateful that she waited until deep quarantine version 1.0 was over before she decided to take one last spin. I am grateful that we will have a new machine before deep quarantine version 2.0 begins. Her breakdown took me away from my WWs, my thoughts, my friends, my enjoyment. Well , not entirely but I was distracted because of it.

My laundry is in limbo but only until tomorrow afternoon = ) I managed to finish my bill pay, go grocery shopping, do dishes, enjoy being. My day got a little sidetracked but it still ended up better than I thought it might.

UPDATE: 11/19/2020

I am happy to report that I really love my new machine. I have never been so excited to do laundry before. LOL

11/28/2020 UPDATE…to the update: I somehow forgot? was distracted? dunno? missed posting this. So now that it is time for another blog post I am marrying my “now” thoughts to my “then” thoughts of 11/15/2020 so bare with me and try to stay along side whilst I take a run at this, Okay?

Earlier I was chatting about my friends from WWs. How important they are to me and how I often hope that in some small way I mean something to them. Never underestimate your power. What you represent/give/are to someone else when you are not aware can and does have the most awesome sparkle. On this trip around the sun I decided to be more of who I really am and less of what I think people want from me and you know what? I am happy. I enjoy people more. I want to see what the next day and the day after that brings.

I always wanted to be heard. I got so busy shouting, “HEY! What about me? look at me!” that I forgot how to listen. Listen to myself, to wait and listen to others, to hear what the people in my life are really asking for, to understand that they needed me to just BE there to be. I have never been able to keep still, to be calm, quiet, to just BE. I struggle to relax. I am better at it but just. I have my days. I try everyday to slow my roll, to listen to what I need, what you need, what is needed before I act. Who knew inner peace was such a workout?

Listening is a life skill that I am apparently going to spend the rest of my life learning to manage. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be. I’m not.

Frustratingly, frustrated with my frustration!

Image may contain: text that says 'You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward... just take the next step.'

I needed this today. I have been on a year of health for over a year now. I am at the spot in this journey where I usually throw in the towel and throw my health on the fire (fear of success?). I am off spot today. I have gained and lost the same two pounds for a month. I hate that I have wasted so much of my vitality chasing the perfect example of myself. I want to get to my goal. I need to begin an exercise regimen so I can firm up. I WANT TO EXERCISE! eventually I will but today F*ck you situps!

I promised myself I wouldn’t obsess about my journey yet here I am. It’s the only thing I can think about. Just stop.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming… I am worth this road trip. I deserve to be healthy. I will live in my moments not matter how fleeting. I choose happiness and peace of mind. A mis-step is just that not an entire walk.

I will make it to my goal. I want to physically feel better everyday. I am at the point in my journey where I have less than 20 pounds to go before I reach the next leg of my life called MAINTAIN, level out be at peace.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!

A Funny Thing Happened

on my way to writing this post today. I had an idea in my old lady mind and then just like that…oh! it’s a butterfly. What? What did I want to wax on about? I actually got distracted by eye pain. My eye was OMG why was it hurting so bad? Have I been secretly poked by a mad chicken? What the hell is going on!?

I went out for a walk yesterday through Notre Dame Cemetery in Worcester MA for a little history, some fresh air, some outdoor beauty, a few laughs with my walking partner; I forgot my allergy pill…maybe that’s why my eye is bothering me. By the time I got home from my walk I was hot, itchy, and wheezing. Dude! Never forget an allergy pill! It feels like living through the Seven Hells ! and oh yeah, we are still trying to navigate this fk’n virus, live life, stay safe, be happy. This is the song that doesn’t end…

So I got up today to sing a song for another day. I remembered to take my allergy pill this morning, I attended my ZOOM meeting for my virtual WWs meeting. I had a good BFast and I went for an awesome walk today to repeat the joy of yesterday. Only today’s target was Hope Cemetery and St. John’s. Today was cooler and the sky more brilliant than yesterday. I felt none of the seasonal allergy woes from the other day. So for another day my fears of the virus have taken a back burner in my tunnel of anxiety. Phew.

I had a lovely afternoon but my eye was still twerking…wth? Hubby and I own a Maine Coon named Pepper. She is 15. I love/hate her. She is a sweet, beautiful, evil, vengeful queen with sharp claws who is part assassin. Maine Coons do not shed hair/fur. Their fur is ultra soft and long. When she looses hair it looks like little tumbleweeds. They actually roll across my hardwood floors. My cat has this weird need to tuck me into bed. She likes to lie on my chest with her butt facing me (no respect, right?). I found out this is actually a huge show of love. She lies like this to protect me. She makes biscuits as she purrs (like I can’t hear the music) until I fall asleep.

After my walk this afternoon my eye issue was really making nervous. I have an eye appointment this week but I wasn’t looking forward to maybe having to be seen on an emergency. I got my old lady magnifying glass and looked at my eye in the bathroom mirror. Maybe an eyelash? Mine are long. I have had a stray lash once or twice before. Are you ready? Somehow? one of her tail hairs got into my eye. I somehow managed to catch the tip between my fingernails and slowly pull it out of my eye. WOW! YES! I am okay. My eye is no longer puffy. The pain gone. That DARN Cat!

 

Shakespeare on a Sunday

Most stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. I see no relevance in discussing my beginnings. Right now I seem to be stuck in the middle so let’s start this story here. I am up to my full figured waist in IT right now. I need to get my head out of my arse. Why is it so difficult to stop doing something that brings nothing good to your life?  I know what I need to do but I can’t seem to convince myself to do it.

Sometimes the only way to get to the other shore is to jump into the water and swim towards the opposing shore. No complaints, no carefully made plans just thrusting full throttle for something other than what is currently not working for you. To quote Shakespeare, from Hamlet ,”This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” … and yet somehow every day I make compromises and I am not true to myself.

As many of you know I married a man whose passion is anything hockey. Every fall I find myself at odds about the start of the season, the loss of free time, the crappy weather, the angst that comes with game day prep (and he isn’t even on the team!) and the sense of loss I feel over not feeling the adrenal rush that every other hockey groupie gets. I have made many friends because of this sport. I cherish them all.  BUT…I miss my freedom. What can not be changed must be embraced. I am writing this missive not because I am looking for sympathy but for clarity in myself. It is time to stop complaining about something that at least for the moment is unlikely to change. I am uncertain how to move forward but I need to.

I have often wondered why every time I go on a eating better for better health kick I can’t make it a lifestyle. Why does doing well become my new obsession? Why do I lack the ability to stop all the thoughts that crowd my mind about being hungry? about wanting? about feeling deprived? about feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t born with a magical metabolism that keeps me thin? I have no energy for these bullshit thoughts anymore. I just want to feel healthy. I want to climb a flight of stairs and not feel like I am going to die from lack of oxygen. I want to bend over and tie my shoes. I want to stop feeling tight in my own skin. I want to stop obsessing. I want to feel vibrant. I want to wear and buy clothes without Spandex being my only option. With all of the ever changing methods of WWs(not that I am blaming them) and my own personal demons I am left feeling like I am trying to climb Mount Everest over a piece of toast. That is just wrong. EAT THE TOAST. I know what to do. It’s time to do it.

I am going to mix things up with my blog, spend less time commiserating about my struggles. Write about the joy of life. I know it’s out there.

JOY
Joy

The Pain of Being Me

Some times I am not honest enough with myself; other times I am so honest I hurt my own feelings. I mean WTF? Imagine if I just let myself live in peace?!?!? Once again I find myself in a space I created, and an unsafe one at that. I am sure you have all heard the phrase ‘to paint oneself into a corner’.
beetlebailey Well, I am really good at doing that. Lately I have been getting to the end of my work day feeling exhausted, drained, and spent. I took a hiatus from trying to be healthy right around this time last year and well, just as you might think, I am fluffy. I am getting way to old to keep fighting with myself. The fight is over. No winner, just a draw. No rematch planned. I just can’t do this bugsbunny gif  to myself anymore.

I own all that is me. The things I have built into the legend that is me and the things that are just my sad truths. No more hiding, no more trying to conform. People will either  like me or not, their choice, not mine. Choose wisely. What is next for me? I really don’t know. I will continue to share things to my blog. I will continue to be a hot mess but from now on I am going to try my hardest to be less of a hot mess. I am picking up the pieces of my puzzle. I will keep trying to arrange them into some version of myself I can live comfortably with. I need to worry about my health before I find myself chasing after what I once took for granted.

I am watching old TV specials of Barbra Streisand as I free write (putting down what ever pops into my grey matter) this blog post. Somehow in the course of living I forgot how much I really love her voice. Perhaps there is still time in my life to SING because it makes me happy. Do you think that some people are just born with the talent to sing? I mean really sing without any voice lessons? Streisand helped me survive my teenage years. I would come home from school feeling friendless, angry, and ugly. I would turn up the volume on my mother’s Emerson stereo and sing every album I owned of hers. I would sing away all the hurt, disappointment, and uncertainty of school day. Her music would take me to a place of hope. Every note, every change in key, every breath carefully taken between key notes in the music or phrasing. My brain knows and can still reproduce every song even after all these years.  I still don’t need a pitch pipe.pitch pipe

 

Love Handles

I was thinking in the shower this morning, while I was shaving my legs of all things, that lately I feel like my love handles have turned into carry-on luggage.

It is no big secret that I jumped off my wagon and pushed that bitch right off a cliff but the time has come for me to get back to the journey at hand. This morning I woke up with a feeling that there is a fast approaching corner that I am speeding into. I need a new wagon. I need to start managing my health in a different way.

Hockey starts next month and then in short order, my anger becomes a problem, for me. I turn this misplaced disappointment in on myself. I sulk, I feel sorry for myself, and then I eat things no serious diabetic should. I feel trapped by something that is not my passion. The days get shorter as well as my temper. I say hurtful things, sometimes to the people I love the most. Hockey and all things pursuant of hockey is my hubster’s passion, not mine.  His full on zest for hockey has killed all of the like I once held for this sport. Every year I promise myself not to sit at the booster club table and eat the candy…every year that promise lasts maybe ten minutes. I will not do this to myself this year.

If you really read my blog and not just “like” it to be nice, you know that I often say never under estimate what you mean to someone. I am always surprised when someone from WWs reaches out to me and asks how I have been or why I have stopped going or the level of kindness that is shown to me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I really like the back and forth when I am at a meeting. I have met many amazing people. I make them laugh, they make me think. I just wish the corporate side of WWs would stop reinventing their program EVERY YEAR! We all know that if you eat twice as much as you need, you will weigh twice as much as you should! I am always the one I hurt the most when I give up on myself. It is time I start to believe in what I am capable of again. I miss feeling wonderful, healthy, and alive!

I have been wanting to return for some time now but have lacked the faith in myself to overcome my fear of failure. Failure is a great teacher, even if she is a bitch to live with. Failure has taught me that I have the strength to try again. I am more than I think I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

 

 

muffintop
A movie? Seriously? 

muffin-top-baking-cups-2
muffin top anyone?

 

August

It s a Saturday morning late into the month of August. I am sitting in my chair in my office (comfort zone) where I like to pretend, plan, and hope for better. Whatever that better might be…sex, job, weight, hair style. I am a lousy adult. I hate most everything that goes along with adulting: working, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, decisions, decisions, decisions, and responsibilities that never end. Hell, I don’t want them in my life let alone have a list! The older I get the more I realize that what I am really looking for is PEACE. Peace with myself. The time for growing into the person I thought I wanted to be is gone. Instead of working on myself I have been trying to catch a ride to anyplace that will take me away from myself. Huh? I know, right?

I let this  happen to me (September 1,2018) today. I walked into my grocery store and almost bumped into someone I went to WWs with. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I avoided eye contact, pretended that I had not seen this person, and walked in the opposite direction in search of my binge food. Have I lost my flippin’ mind? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I find a way back to the surface? I was embarrassed. I stopped trying to be a successful WW. If you know me you can see it quite plainly. Avoiding this person only filled me with shame and anger. Not healthy emotions. I have eaten crap all day today in a backwards attempt at masquerading how I am feeling.

Life is precious so why does it feel so mundane to me? Maybe this is what getting old is really about… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone… Autumn is closer now than I ‘d like. I am not going to struggle with myself anymore over this bullshit. No more obsessing about my weight… I just can’t do it anymore. It is not helpful. Good bye sauces. good bye granola bars, good bye Nutella, good bye peanut butter (I will miss you most). Good bye to all the carb heavy things my demons crave. Good bye processed food. Good bye I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M (tissue?) Cheese? I am sorry, but we have to break up. It’s me not you. No, that’s a lie. It is you. Our relationship is not healthy.

I log over 12,000 steps a day! I feel every step. My legs push their pain on me. My legs and knees are my enemy. My lungs scream for air. I cringe at the thought of stairs.   Menopause has given me heart palpitations as a gift. I miss bending over to tie my sneakers. Jeans? Oh, don’t even get me started. I am certain that by now none of my favorite hoodies fit or my pants or my winter coat… maybe shivering in the cold while I am naked, will count as exercise and some of my frozen tundra will just chip off !?! 

It is never too late to try once again, so I am told. I still have some misadventures left in my soul.  Cry Havoc! and slip loose the dogs of war! What say you? Do I still have fight in me or should I lie down in a field of flowers and await the vultures? I may slip and falter but I  will never give up or live my life lying down.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

 

 

Friday Night Exhaustion

I finally put it down for the night. My feet and lower legs are beginning to swell. I know because I feel tight in my own skin. I hate the way my feet feel at the end of a long day of chasing my own tail at work. Concrete is my harsh reality. It gives a person all sorts of grand things to complain about: leg pain, foot pain, back pain, shin splints. It is no joke.

I log about 12,000 steps a day at work. Pretty impressive for an old lady who is overweight. Fall is fast approaching and I need (want?) to be able to wear pants but I have outgrown most of the ones I own, again! I am tired of being tired. The Summer’s end will be here before I have any real time to adjust. I have a physical with my primary care physician coming up in October that I want to cancel. I know it comes with advice and judgment and self loathing. I have had just about enough of the self-hate. The photos of my life show me as I am FLUFFY. I have been in some sort of a fluff state since fifth grade. I am trying to unlearn bad habits still. I no longer have the desire to be thin and beautiful. I will settle for just being beautiful! I hope that is enough because that is all I have left to give. I want my good health.  It won’t happen if I keep exposing myself to dangerous elements.

I long to move onto other things beside my angst over eating healthy. I mean I have angst about wrinkles and grey hair and oh let’s not forget about the fact that as I sit here aging at an alarming rate my skin is beginning to get crepe-y, eww. crepeyskin

Getting older is not for the timid. I refuse to let it keep me from being in my life any longer. I have been in a dark space since late last year, October I am guessing. I felt like my attempt at weight loss had become more of a burden than it was worth. There was no fun or spontaneity! I don’t think I was ready for how much effort and determination there really is to accomplishing any lasting results. It had taken me a full year to lose just sixty pounds. I was angry. It seemed laborious and valueless. In my anger I forgot how good I was feeling, health wise.

I started to obsess about every little thing I put into my mouth (NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT PROCESS!!!!) and I felt like once again I was becoming about what I eat. Can I be happy today? I ate well yesterday! so yes! Can I go to the movies? I ate well all week! so yes!?! REalLy? I think this was my WTF moment. So in my usual fashion I just stopped caring about trying to do the right thing for me; which brings me to now… I have not actively been to WWs for months. The corporate WW mantra of POINT FREE foods (food with NO consequences) is a bold faced lie that is plied onto the hopes of people who struggle to lose weight when the focus should be about fixing your well being. TRUTH ALERT!  It is all about balance. I will be going back to my WWs meeting, for my friends I made there and because of the leader. They have helped me be a better version of myself way more than any corporate mantra ever has.

This time next Friday I will be on vacation from everything for 9 glorious days! I need some time to just be quiet. I have taken up the reins again. No more obsessing. I am better than that. I want more than that. I know not facing something now doesn’t mean I don’t face it. Life has a way of slapping you when you need it most but want it least.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

Head Space

In the interest of better living I have decided to stop torturing myself with the world of WWs. I want other things in my head space, positive things. I find the longer I try to conform to the plan the more lost and depressed I become. This in no way means that I am quitting. Sometime in my future I may once again embrace the culture of WWs, I just need to find who I used to be. This has been quite the relationship but when something that has been good for you becomes something else, you have to be wise enough to take a step back and figure out if where you are headed is where you want to go.
I need to put my WWS experience away for safe keeping. I need to travel a different path for awhile. I am sorry WWs but from now on you’re only someone that I used to love.

The time has come in my journey for me to find where I let myself out on the side of the road. I learned food basics along time ago. In my quest toward ” solve for X” I put aside my truths in exchange for a dream that I built on wet cocktail napkins and cheap party tricks. Somewhere I convinced myself that if I could just fix my fat self  I would have more in my life. There’s in nothing wrong with what is in my life. I bought my own lie. I guess it’s true what they say (who ever “they” may be) that with age come wisdom. It is time I believe in my own power again, find what makes me happy…and today for the first time in more than six months I did.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself. I wander around lost in my head unable to tie my laces and finish the race. I find if I listen to my heart I usually find my way back.  Oh! Look! I am right where I left me = )  Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE!