August

It s a Saturday morning late into the month of August. I am sitting in my chair in my office (comfort zone) where I like to pretend, plan, and hope for better. Whatever that better might be…sex, job, weight, hair style. I am a lousy adult. I hate most everything that goes along with adulting: working, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, decisions, decisions, decisions, and responsibilities that never end. Hell, I don’t want them in my life let alone have a list! The older I get the more I realize that what I am really looking for is PEACE. Peace with myself. The time for growing into the person I thought I wanted to be is gone. Instead of working on myself I have been trying to catch a ride to anyplace that will take me away from myself. Huh? I know, right?

I let this  happen to me (September 1,2018) today. I walked into my grocery store and almost bumped into someone I went to WWs with. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I avoided eye contact, pretended that I had not seen this person, and walked in the opposite direction in search of my binge food. Have I lost my flippin’ mind? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I find a way back to the surface? I was embarrassed. I stopped trying to be a successful WW. If you know me you can see it quite plainly. Avoiding this person only filled me with shame and anger. Not healthy emotions. I have eaten crap all day today in a backwards attempt at masquerading how I am feeling.

Life is precious so why does it feel so mundane to me? Maybe this is what getting old is really about… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone… Autumn is closer now than I ‘d like. I am not going to struggle with myself anymore over this bullshit. No more obsessing about my weight… I just can’t do it anymore. It is not helpful. Good bye sauces. good bye granola bars, good bye Nutella, good bye peanut butter (I will miss you most). Good bye to all the carb heavy things my demons crave. Good bye processed food. Good bye I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M (tissue?) Cheese? I am sorry, but we have to break up. It’s me not you. No, that’s a lie. It is you. Our relationship is not healthy.

I log over 12,000 steps a day! I feel every step. My legs push their pain on me. My legs and knees are my enemy. My lungs scream for air. I cringe at the thought of stairs.   Menopause has given me heart palpitations as a gift. I miss bending over to tie my sneakers. Jeans? Oh, don’t even get me started. I am certain that by now none of my favorite hoodies fit or my pants or my winter coat… maybe shivering in the cold while I am naked, will count as exercise and some of my frozen tundra will just chip off !?! 

It is never too late to try once again, so I am told. I still have some misadventures left in my soul.  Cry Havoc! and slip loose the dogs of war! What say you? Do I still have fight in me or should I lie down in a field of flowers and await the vultures? I may slip and falter but I  will never give up or live my life lying down.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

 

 

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