Friday Night Exhaustion

I finally put it down for the night. My feet and lower legs are beginning to swell. I know because I feel tight in my own skin. I hate the way my feet feel at the end of a long day of chasing my own tail at work. Concrete is my harsh reality. It gives a person all sorts of grand things to complain about: leg pain, foot pain, back pain, shin splints. It is no joke.

I log about 12,000 steps a day at work. Pretty impressive for an old lady who is overweight. Fall is fast approaching and I need (want?) to be able to wear pants but I have outgrown most of the ones I own, again! I am tired of being tired. The Summer’s end will be here before I have any real time to adjust. I have a physical with my primary care physician coming up in October that I want to cancel. I know it comes with advice and judgment and self loathing. I have had just about enough of the self-hate. The photos of my life show me as I am FLUFFY. I have been in some sort of a fluff state since fifth grade. I am trying to unlearn bad habits still. I no longer have the desire to be thin and beautiful. I will settle for just being beautiful! I hope that is enough because that is all I have left to give. I want my good health.  It won’t happen if I keep exposing myself to dangerous elements.

I long to move onto other things beside my angst over eating healthy. I mean I have angst about wrinkles and grey hair and oh let’s not forget about the fact that as I sit here aging at an alarming rate my skin is beginning to get crepe-y, eww. crepeyskin

Getting older is not for the timid. I refuse to let it keep me from being in my life any longer. I have been in a dark space since late last year, October I am guessing. I felt like my attempt at weight loss had become more of a burden than it was worth. There was no fun or spontaneity! I don’t think I was ready for how much effort and determination there really is to accomplishing any lasting results. It had taken me a full year to lose just sixty pounds. I was angry. It seemed laborious and valueless. In my anger I forgot how good I was feeling, health wise.

I started to obsess about every little thing I put into my mouth (NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT PROCESS!!!!) and I felt like once again I was becoming about what I eat. Can I be happy today? I ate well yesterday! so yes! Can I go to the movies? I ate well all week! so yes!?! REalLy? I think this was my WTF moment. So in my usual fashion I just stopped caring about trying to do the right thing for me; which brings me to now… I have not actively been to WWs for months. The corporate WW mantra of POINT FREE foods (food with NO consequences) is a bold faced lie that is plied onto the hopes of people who struggle to lose weight when the focus should be about fixing your well being. TRUTH ALERT!  It is all about balance. I will be going back to my WWs meeting, for my friends I made there and because of the leader. They have helped me be a better version of myself way more than any corporate mantra ever has.

This time next Friday I will be on vacation from everything for 9 glorious days! I need some time to just be quiet. I have taken up the reins again. No more obsessing. I am better than that. I want more than that. I know not facing something now doesn’t mean I don’t face it. Life has a way of slapping you when you need it most but want it least.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

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