Category: WWs

Where old pounds go to wither

Happy Anniversary Baby!

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Got you on my mind. A catchy opening line from the Little River Band song. It’s really a song about a break up and the lingering feelings you have for that relationship. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my breakup with myself. Last year I decided I had had enough of mistreating myself and not loving who I am. So I let that destructive relationship go.

=  ) best thing I have done for myself in a long time. Today I am in a much better state of health but more than that I am happy with who I am. All it took was the spark of hope, a pinch of belief, support from the people in my life(thank you peeps),determination to reach for the stars and HARD WORK.

I am worth it. I am not the weak one. Failure is not in the trying and falling down. Failing is when you fall down and stay there. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be! I end my posts with this saying because it helps me to correct my path when I stray. I want to be the best example of myself.

Once upon a time … I felt like a beach ball with soft spots that wouldn’t stay concealed. Any idea how weary a gal can becoming spinning in her own circle of doom?  A self- perpetuating prophecy:   I can’t lose weight because I eat too much. I eat too much because I am angry. I am angry because I am unhappy. I am unhappy because I am heavy so I eat too much to distract my soul from my shortcomings which leads me to eat too much because I am angry that I can not let go of my anger so I cry because I know there has to be a better way but first I will eat this cake so I will “feel” better.  I was not getting better. I was harming myself. And the cycle needed to stop. So I took a chance on me. I stopped the cycle. I am living my moments and trying to take something good from them everyday. It hasn’t been easy, change never is but it is worth every rough patch and bump on the road. I accept sometimes mistakes will be made. I am just not willing to live in my mistakes instead I ty to learn from them and do better.

I found my true smile, not the one you paint on for other people. Do you know what I am talking about? Not the smile each of us use to cover anger and frustration, not that one, the other one, the real one you keep for yourself when you make the funny joke or solve the unsolvable puzzle or you are overjoyed by a random act of kindness or the smile love leaves you with. It is a simple thing, a true thing, beautiful really. It is contagious and makes even the most dour face shine. It costs nothing but it’s value is immeasurable when given away freely. Give one away today and see where it takes you.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!  =  )

 

New Weigh

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I have always held the belief that OVER eating is more than just not knowing when you have had enough of a good thing. For me indulging in the dark arts ( cookies, cakes ) has always been about my fear and anger of handling/not handling my own pain or discomfort. Growing up feeling inadequate with no one to tell me life is a learning curve, that we grow as we grow was tough. When I needed to be comforted and no one was there, food always was. If I was busy stuffing food into my mouth I couldn’t cry about feeling unloved. Food was always on stand by for times when I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or enough of whatever magical ingredient seemed to have not been shipped with my arrival into the world.

Food can not make you happy for long. Just like its calories, it is an empty friend. The only thing it ever truly gives me is heartache. Food can not hold my hand or help me to see that I am strong enough to work my way through the hard times. Food does not build character it tears down whatever small foundation I may have managed to put together. Food has proven to me that I have real weaknesses. It has taught me I can easily be swayed by an over processed smartly wrapped package of nutrient void glob whenever I am trying to avoid myself. Problems do not go away simply because I prefer them to.

I made the choice to get better. I am the only one who can guarantee my success by never giving up on trying to become the best version of myself. I decided to make peace with myself. The road is not always easy to travel but, what an amazing journey I am on.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

So Is This How Old Feels?

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…and if it is can we start a different game? For the first time in my recent history I just may feel as old as I actually am. I am not feeling well. I feel tired, run down. I am typing this blind right now because my eyes are burning so badly that I can not focus even with my glasses on. Ever since my episode of A-fib I have not been sleeping well, more from my own worries than whatever it is that my heart is doing. Yes, I am doing my adulting. I have an appointment with a cardiologist so let the testing begin ( and may the odds ever be in your favor). My symptoms are keeping quiet for the most part and my life is sort of back to the hot mess it has always been.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have never had the misfortune of being unwell. I am usually the one who takes care of everybody else. My poor hubby is worried about me in a way I don’t think he has ever been before. I love him for that but all of the hovering is making me nervous. He has no idea how to help me. His role has always been to comb my ruffled feathers back into place when a hair gets across my ass or I am upset over something small, trivial and of the utmost importance to me and me alone.

I am back to me. The me that was in this (better eating for a better me) for the long haul before the holidays hit. I shopped, I logged, I conquered. Well at least I did better with my choices this week and that, in my book, is a win. I feel like I accomplished something good for myself. I feel like I can continue to learn, live and succeed as a WW.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

Surprise!

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It is nearly midnight. As I shift my position on the bed it hits me. I am suddenly in a panicked state. I rush to sit up wondering to myself why my head is pounding so hard when I realize it is my heart going haywire and not my head at all. I am sweating and I am hot. I can’t seem to get my breath. My ears are throbbing as the blood rushes through my veins. I rip my sweatshirt off. I place my hand on the cold wall of my bedroom, trying to calm myself down and concentrate on my breathing. My chest feels heavy and my breathing is labored. My heart is beating so hard my ribs hurt. I pull off my t-shirt and attempt to stand. I am dizzy and my legs are wobbly.  I make my way to the bathroom directly across from our bedroom. I am scared but I am trying desperately to remember what I have been taught.

I take in the deepest breath that I can manage and force myself to cough. I need to make my heart rate slow and return to rhythm or fall into the likelihood of this situation escalating. I sit down on the toilet, draw in another breath, force another cough and bear down like I need to go to the bathroom. “C’mon, relax Trish. This is just A-fib. You know what you are supposed to do. Breathe, cough, bare down. Why is it that time seems to move so slowly and so rapidly at the same time? Is this what a time loop feels like?

I am in A-fib for six or seven minutes before my heart rate begins to slow and return to its normal beats. I am exhausted. My ribs hurt. I feel light headed probably from my exaggerated breathing but at least my heart is back on pace. I walk back into my room to sit on the edge of my side of the bed. I spend a few minutes trying to decide what to do. I know I will be out cold in a relatively short period of time. I clear my mind of all of the scariest of scenarios, put my t-shirt back on, climb under my covers and hope that I will awaken. I am tired so very tired…

I have been an active WW for nearly a year now. I am still a work in progress. I make mistakes. I am trying not to let the mistakes I make define who I am. I will not give up. I learn something new almost everyday. Before you ask, yes, I called my doctor. I went to see her physician’s assistant today. They ran a few tests and took my blood. I have had episodes of palpitations before but never one that has woken me from a sound sleep in the middle of the night. It is a good idea before starting a life style change (DIET) to have a check up with a physician of your choice. I always do. I would like to add that periodically you should check back in with said doctor and discuss any and all changes that may be occurring or that you have concerns about. I wish had.

I did something I loathe when other people do it. I didn’t ask for help. I did not wake my hubby. I did not call my doctor to talk with her about how crappy I have been feeling lately. All of these things are dangerous to ignore. I have recently come to realize that I am NOT on this life journey by myself. I am not alone. Who knew? Not me.

 

The Honeymoon…

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…is over! It’s official. The shiny newness of this lifestyle change that I have undertaken has worn off. The holiday season didn’t help much either. Well meaning people that foolishly think that in order to be in good cheer you must be over served, over hors d’oeuvred, over fed, and overwhelmed. Enough! I have had enough. When I started this ten months ago it was because I was living in the danger zone again. I left WWs on my own in 2008 thinking that I had conquered myself and my need to overfeed my demons. WRONG!

The only thing I successfully did was LIE to myself about my motives and my sadness. Addiction is the shittiest thing you can do to yourself. It is like one long bad date you wouldn’t let your best friend suffer through but you are going to take it on and WIN! All lies. I hate myself for all of the things that I think I should be able to control and can’t. I hate myself for not being perfect. I hate myself because it is easier than love.

No surprise but I did not enjoy my time off from work or the holiday season. Surrounded by people, none of them mine =  (   my first Christmas on my own. Yes, it is all on me. I chose not to be happy. Being content in your life takes work. My character flaw. There is no greater actress than the one who is bad at pretending to be happy. I wanted to sit on the floor of my closet with the doors closed and wail about all that I have lost. No one wants to see a clown cry but often the funniest person in the room hides the most tears. It amazes me that after all of my years of self inflicted ED injury I am still drawn to it in times of distress. Feed a soul that is hungry. What is it I hunger for?

The honeymoon may be over but my journey is not. I absolutely refuse to give in. My journey got harder because I put a roadblock up. I got complacent and a little bored. I sat down late last night. Angry and disappointed in how I have been treating myself, I decided to stop, rest, and access my situation. What do I need to change  in order to achieve my goal? The answer is always the same, my mind set. Accepting my truths, ugly sweater and all, works for me. Don’t buy food you can not trust yourself to be left alone with. Don’t even, just stop .

I can not eat sugar. I am a diabetic. It is a health risk for me. Sugar is not my friend. I am weak in its presence. I am unable to stop myself once I allow myself to partake of its sweetness. I am like a thirsty sponge in search of rain. I will eat and eat and eat until I make myself sick. It adds inches to my waistline and anger to an already sad soul. I am glad this holiday season is drawing to a close. For me, there is comfort in structure, odd but true.

I just had the courage to buy the bucket, now I need to make my list. Live your life! Spring is coming and adventure season will be here before I know it =  )

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be, I’m Not!

Ebb and Flow

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Life is about fluctuations. My weight fluctuates. My mood fluctuates. My interests. Think of something in your life and ask yourself if everything is the same as it has always been. I am betting not. I am on hiatus from my job until the very beginnings of the new year. I want to take this time to sit down, devote some serious time to writing and get back to my calm place. I missed WWs last Saturday. I have been struggling the last few weeks and while the scale has been kind to me; I have not been kind to myself. I have come to realize that I need to get to a meeting at least once a week. For myself to keep me on track, to keep my head in the game because it holds the best chance of success for me.

I find that when I am completely honest with myself and the people in my life I do better for myself. No more hiding my truth or going along to make someone else happy. It doesn’t mean that my truth needs to be your truth; it is mine and mine alone. I am unwilling to give up on myself. I have been donating the clothes that I no longer fit into. I would love to have a new wardrobe of pretty things. I have spent a good portion of my life dressed as a line backer. Someday my dream is to wear a dress without Spanks to smooth my line =  ).

I know that when I get on that scale tomorrow it will show that I have not lost. It will be right. I have not lost; I am winning! I am winning because this time I am not afraid to say I need help. This time I am not afraid of the “what ifs”. This time I want to be a better version of me. This time I am not willing to take less than my best effort. I am a survivor!

I am beautiful. I am strong. My ED will not run my life anymore! I am the boss!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Avalanche

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I don’t always know what to do. I am the first one to admit that. Why people take it upon themselves to believe otherwise is beyond me. They are only fooling themselves. I went to my WW meeting last week. I was down at the scale. Usually that is enough to make me happy and ready to face my next week. I guess a few things have been feeding off of my psyche lately. People hearing me yet not listening to a word I say.  Me returning the favor in kind. It happens. I plan on being in my day, everyday but some times I catch myself not really being where I am supposed to be. That’s when my conversations sound more like yes, Dear. Yes, I am listening, uh huh….yada yada yada but I am the guilty person not really listening. I hate when I do that. I hate it more when I am full in the knowledge that I am doing it.

I am trying to live in a small space of happiness that I create for me. I am still struggling over the loss of my beloved Pops. The rush of powerful emotions that bubble up to the surface before I can stop the well of tears is ripping me apart. My frantic swim against the roll of the tide started Saturday afternoon and finished sometime Tuesday. I crawled back to a set of bad habits looking for comfort. Surprise there was no comfort, only anger at myself for making a really bad choice. avalance1 I have been desperately trying to stay above the onslaught of debris. I feel like I just barely survived an avalanche. Once again I found myself at the edge of that cliff. Do I keep climbing to get to my goal? or is it time to turn tail and head back to base camp to lick my wounds? I was going to quit. I know how to quit. I am rather good at it, actually. It is not what I want for myself anymore.

Should I stay or should I go? It is equally difficult to choose either path. Quitting something comes with a certain level of relief, anger and grief. The last time I quit this weight loss journey was nearly ten years ago. Ten years I have floundered. Ten years I have been hating myself. Why? because I quit. I disappointed myself. Continuing my quest to my version of a better me also a hard sell. Taking personal inventory,checking supplies and getting up the steam to hit the trail again also comes with new doubts and fears. I have decided my best chance of being happy lies with continuing my journey forward.

Never under estimate the power of a kind word or two. At my lowest point this week someone told me how good I am looking. They commended me on the hard work I am putting in. Those words came to me when I needed them the most. I am going to try something new this trip around; I am not going to quit.  I try very hard to be happy, confident,welcoming and full of joy even though some days it is the farthest thing from the truth. I am not the only person in pain. I don’t want that pain to define who I am. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am strong. I am brave. I do have the right stuff. I am beautiful, just breathe and BELIEVE!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

My SELF Steam

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Where does a person learn about self-esteem? Are we born with a sense of our own abilities and gain confidence from applying this knowledge? Or do we learn to have self-esteem from the people in our lives?  We all have parents, well I hope that you did. I was not raised in a family that showered me with praise. I loved my parents but often I was ridiculed and yelled at for shortcomings, real and imagined. I think that is why I struggle  with who I think I am versus who I think I should be.

I discovered I had talent in my youth. I used those abilities to seek out praise. I can sing. I am witty in a twisted way that often makes people laugh out loud in the most inappropriate times and places.  I have a sharp mind and can recall the most remote of details in books or places I have been. I can recall scenes from movies in near perfect lines. I very rarely forget a person’s name or how we met. I am not amazing or brave or strong. I reveal these factoids because it is my darkest secret. I would be nothing without my talents.

I started this journey because I was tired of all the lies I was telling myself.Tomorrow will be better. There will be more money. There will be more time. I have worth. I am beautiful. I was putting my health and emotional well being through hell. I just wanted to be better, feel better. I took charge of my own happiness and slowly since February I have been living a better life for myself. Until… I took a little detour this weekend. I strayed from my path. I gave in to the demons in my head whispering that I needed to take a little break from how good I have been doing.  I gave in.

The closer it gets to Christmas the more alone I feel. My Dad is gone and I have nothing to fill the void.The funny thing about my self-esteem is that I used to think that I needed to keep feeding its flames in order to achieve any lasting success. I have been feeling badly about all of the bad choices I made this weekend. I am a different person now! It’s time to take what I have learned from this side step,leave the rest behind and move forward. I am not going to let the sad part of my psyche drive the choices in my life anymore. I deserve more for myself. I am sitting here writing this because I needed to shout this from the rooftops!!!! but it is too damn cold outside so my blog will have to do.

Here’s to me! I am in charge of my own happiness! Having a few bad days doesn’t make a lifetime unless you continue along the same horrible path. I will not give up . I will not give in. I will make it to goal for myself because I want it. I will get there under my own SELF STEAM!

Self-esteem…

noun
noun: self-esteem
  1. confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect
    Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE
taking a different path

The Eye of the Beholder

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True beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. My face looking back at my own amazement over the realization that my face looks leaner. Gone are the full cheeks and double chins. I can’t help myself, I break into a full on smile nearly blinding myself with my own pearly whites! A huge NSV! I finally am noticing that all of my hard work is paying off.

There I am right where I left me! I knew I was somewhere close by. This is the version of myself that I feel like on the inside. The beauty matching on both sides. I feel like I  will accomplish anything I put my mind too. It is a wonderful feeling. I forgot how awesome being happy with myself felt. I have felt so beaten by life for so long that I forgot how happy felt. I am no fool, well, I try not to be. I know that happy is a fickle bitch and I should never completely trust that she will stick around but for right now I love her.

I am sitting in my office trying to get this to post and not fall asleep while typing. I am freezing, a side effect from the weight loss, and I have a headache. Holiday season has always been tough for me but I am determined not to eat my way through them this year. I am donating all of the clothes that I am shrinking out of to charity. I could store them in my closet, so I will have something to wear for when I “give up”, but I refuse to undermine my best efforts.  This time I will not give up; this time I will follow through. I will finish the entire course not just the front nine.

Everyday…I try to do better than the day before. I try to learn something new.  I try to remember to be thankful for one small thing.  I try to gently remind myself that I am made of the right stuff, that I deserve to know self acceptance. I talk to myself a lot! Thank God this time around I am actually listening = ) I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this and I will.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

I Can Only Be Me

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I can never be anything other than what I am. I am not a prize in a box of cereal. I am not MORE than what I appear to be. I am ME. No bright lights, no sparkle. One of my biggest downfalls is that I tend to LIVE too large and people than have grand expectations of me. Would it surprise you to know that I don’t always know what to do? or how to react? or even know the right things to say to make YOU feel better about yourself? Well, it’s true. I say the things I want someone to be smart enough to say to me. Sometimes the one leading the charge needs someone else to take charge.

I can only be me. If you make me into something other than that, it is on you. I apologize if when you pull the curtain back there is no wizard.  Fantasies can be like that all fire and brimstone and no substance. It is usually  just ground cover for the uncertainty I carry hidden under a fake smile everyday. I wonder how many of you have to talk yourself into participating in your own life just one more day, everyday?

I have been on this journey (back to the version of me I like the best) for ten months now. It never gets any easier. Everyday I fight with myself about food. What should I eat? When should I eat? Am I getting enough protein? Chicken again !?! Funny but when I grazed on food, like a barn animal, I never once worried about what was in my food unless it made me feel icky. Now that I am on program I am always thinking about food! Last week at my WWs meeting the discussion turned to boredom. Boredom with the food choices, boredom with the all the label reading, boredom with the meetings.  I am not sure it is boredom that kills the process. Maybe it is the always behaving? Maybe I don’t manage my emotions (over real or imagined indiscretions) well and my doubt starts to float to the top?

This week when I went grocery shopping I forced myself to buy some new snacks. I bought some biscotti, some wasabi soy beans (scorcher), and some baked pea “cheatos”. I am not bored. I am falling into the “I know what I am doing so therefore I can now bend the rules and have some fun with the wiggle room I have convinced myself I deserve! “zone. I need to be careful! The negativity demons are always lurking in the dark corners waiting for me to slip and fall. It is far easier to walk off with wounded prey than it is to take down a healthy member of the herd.

I sometimes have doubts that I have what it takes to continue on this journey. I need to do this. I really want to do this. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I am not a quitter. I will find the strength to keep going. Only on a weight loss journey will you hear the words I am a loser, so I can learn to be a winner!  =  )

I can only be me. Advice I need to listen to more often? Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!