Help Yourself

Two simple words and yet it is the hardest undertaking. “I couldn’t help myself” is heard whenever someone gives into a temptation. I say it myself like it is the best solution to explain away a natural urge to want things. A fitting excuse for when you have gone too far over your limitations, purchased something you wanted instead of needed or eaten that one small thing you couldn’t live another minute without and then eating way more than you wanted to.

Help Yourself. You have to make that choice. Help yourself or continue down the path you are on. No one can make you a better you, except you. You have to want to be better. It is not always easy to pick your health and well being over every other thing going on in your life. It is OKAY to want happiness. Happiness does not come in a box wrapped in pretty paper and a ribbon. Happiness is a state of mind that needs constant attention to help it last. Choose to nurture yourself and happiness is easier to sustain.  Help yourself. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

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Let IT GO…whatever it is that is holding you back. Claim your life. Every rotten, wonderful moment of it. You are worth your best effort. Forgive yourself. You don’t have to be your toughest critic. Why is it we are all willing to cut our loved ones some slack but not ourselves? Perfection is a farce; a carnival mirror that plays tricks  with your mind. Learn to see yourself as others see you:  kind, intelligent, loving, friendly, determined. Ugly self-thought serves only one purpose, sabotage. Stop doing it! You are amazing! You just have to believe in yourself.

It only takes a spark to ignite a fire. Be the spark in your own life. I stopped believing in myself. I was lost for a very long time. My road has been mostly an uphill climb because I made it that way. I allowed the darkness of my inner turmoil to take over who I know I am. It nearly cost me every part of who I grew to be; the wonderful things that I liked about myself. We all have wonderful things about ourselves. You know its true. Ask that one person in your life that LOVES you just the way you are. What do they like about you? You may be surprised to find out that it has NOTHING to do with your appearance and more to do with the intangibles, like the gentleness of your love or your ability to see the goodness in people or…?

I got tired of feeling tired and sad. I missed happiness. I choose to help myself. Be well. Believe in the power that is you. YOU can do this!  Help yourself =  )

 

 

 

A Tweener

As I stood in line waiting to head for lunch today an elderly woman behind me tugged at my shirt. I guess to neaten up my appearance but she nearly caused my pants to meet my ankles, without my permission! I turned to smile at her, hiked up my pants and wondered to myself whether or not I should try on some new outfits  =  )

Yup this is me; who I have become, a tweener. I thought being a tween was an age thing. I have come to learn it’s also the feeling of frustration in the weighting zone. I am stuck BETWEEN sizes. Soon the clothes that have been living in my closet and not on me will fit once again. I am happy but I am fighting with myself over my rising impatience. Nothing that is worth having ever comes at an easy price. The sad thing about instant gratification is that the exuberant feeling of ultimate happiness lasts just a little bit less each time. People chase happiness. Instead of enjoying the moment we are in, we tend to chase after yet another beam of sunshine as if there isn’t enough sun at the beach we call life.

Truth be told I slowly became overweight. It has taken me the greater part of my life to become the hot mess I was. I don’t ever recall saying to myself, “damn it sure is taking me a long time to get heavy!” so why do I worrying about getting less fat? It is hard not to crawl into the negativity blanket my mind has woven for me. Rolled tightly into a ball in the corner it feels so warm and inviting, but I know the truths that lie there. Ugly, mean rumors and lies that I allow my psyche to feed me. I alone erode my self confidence. Having a little confidence in the power of you is a good thing. It’s that little voice inside your head that says, ” you can do this! keep going, never give up!” Confidence gives you the strength you need when you think you can’t do something one minute more. It gives you the courage to walk on.

It is Okay to be a tweener. It  gives you the luxury of taking a deep breath and resting a moment so you can right your course if need be or to carry on to the next challenge. Perhaps my body knows better than I do that a steady pace is better than blowing all of my energy on the first lap.  Relax in the journey, take it all in, make a moment. I rejoined my journey to the Land of Normal Sizes in February. I am better prepared this time. I know I am the one leading this adventure. I can enjoy the trip or complain for the whole ride. The easier path lies in the attitude. I choose to be in my moments good and bad. Hopefully I will learn a few things about myself. I am pretty sure I already have  =  )

 

Eleven

Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself.  I chose my health over my anger. =  ) Yea me!!!

I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.

Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.

Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

 

The Sea of Uncertainty

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I made boats out of paper when I was a child. I liked to float them in the gutter after a rainstorm. I’d skip along the sidewalk and watch the little boats tumble over the debris in the water. I used to like to pretend that I was on one of those boats in the midst of an adventure looking for unicorns and dragons searching for uncharted land to call my own.unicorn dragon 

Children are birthed into this world knowing all the secrets. They carry all the wonderful things about humanity on their tiny shoulders. Not knowing of what the world holds for them infants sleep, they coo, they cry, wanting for their basic needs to be taken care of. It is in the growing up into a person that they learn disappointment, deceit, love, kindness, confidence, anger.

What a wonderful thing it would be if humanity could start raising their children to be more humane. Patience, love, acceptance, and understanding in healthy doses instead of anger, disappointment, cruelty. How amazing we would all be.

On The Road

I find myself on a road that I am all too familiar with. I feel angry, confused and just a little like a balloon with a pinhole leak. I don’t handle my anger well. I obsess about all of the details that have lead up to my anger. It takes all of my concentration to let go of my anger balloon. I want to be acknowledged. I want to feel that the thing that I am angry about is justified. That I am indeed right to be pissed off. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. Sometimes I over react. I allow a situation to spin out of control. When the shit hits the fan, and it always does, I am stunned. Caught with my eyes half closed. Will I ever learn? probably not. I am one of those hopeless romantics certain that tomorrow will be a better day.

I have too much faith in people. Trust in someone other than yourself and time and time again people let you down. Truth is I let myself down. Why do I expect more from others? I am a WANTER. I want to be happy. I want to be believe. I want to be someone other than who I think I am. I want money( who doesn’t). I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be the best example of me that there is but all of these wants are of a dream of unattainable desires that I don’t know how to acquire and sadly, even if all my WANTS came to fruition, I wouldn’t know what do with them.

Wanting is not a bad thing in small doses. Growing up I just wanted to feel safe. I have a hard time relaxing. I mean really relaxing, living in the moment. Whatever that moment is: joy, sadness, great conversation. I am always on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Looking over my shoulder, waiting for the wind to change directions. Something wicked this way comes… Mom is in a bad mood. Hide your prized possessions. Be careful what you say. Walking on eggshells. Uncertainty is a difficult feeling to let go of.

I am an adult with my own life. My mother passed away almost eight years ago. My father is living in a nursing home. For the first time in my life I have no responsibility to anyone but myself. I made it my job to ensure everyone else’s happiness yet I never mapped out a plan for myself. I didn’t realize the prison I made for myself had a key. A way out. This whole time I had this key with no idea what it was for. The time has come for me to free myself from false expectations. I hold onto beliefs of myself that are simply not who I feel that I am.

I loved the MTM show in my youth. I often sing the theme song, maybe it is time I learned to follow my dreams  = )

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it’s you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don’t you take it
You’re gonna make it after all 

The road to happiness is a journey many start but few finish. It is a state of mind, not a destination. Embrace who you are and learn to celebrate the wonder that is YOU.