On The Road

I find myself on a road that I am all too familiar with. I feel angry, confused and just a little like a balloon with a pinhole leak. I don’t handle my anger well. I obsess about all of the details that have lead up to my anger. It takes all of my concentration to let go of my anger balloon. I want to be acknowledged. I want to feel that the thing that I am angry about is justified. That I am indeed right to be pissed off. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. Sometimes I over react. I allow a situation to spin out of control. When the shit hits the fan, and it always does, I am stunned. Caught with my eyes half closed. Will I ever learn? probably not. I am one of those hopeless romantics certain that tomorrow will be a better day.

I have too much faith in people. Trust in someone other than yourself and time and time again people let you down. Truth is I let myself down. Why do I expect more from others? I am a WANTER. I want to be happy. I want to be believe. I want to be someone other than who I think I am. I want money( who doesn’t). I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be the best example of me that there is but all of these wants are of a dream of unattainable desires that I don’t know how to acquire and sadly, even if all my WANTS came to fruition, I wouldn’t know what do with them.

Wanting is not a bad thing in small doses. Growing up I just wanted to feel safe. I have a hard time relaxing. I mean really relaxing, living in the moment. Whatever that moment is: joy, sadness, great conversation. I am always on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Looking over my shoulder, waiting for the wind to change directions. Something wicked this way comes… Mom is in a bad mood. Hide your prized possessions. Be careful what you say. Walking on eggshells. Uncertainty is a difficult feeling to let go of.

I am an adult with my own life. My mother passed away almost eight years ago. My father is living in a nursing home. For the first time in my life I have no responsibility to anyone but myself. I made it my job to ensure everyone else’s happiness yet I never mapped out a plan for myself. I didn’t realize the prison I made for myself had a key. A way out. This whole time I had this key with no idea what it was for. The time has come for me to free myself from false expectations. I hold onto beliefs of myself that are simply not who I feel that I am.

I loved the MTM show in my youth. I often sing the theme song, maybe it is time I learned to follow my dreams  = )

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it’s you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don’t you take it
You’re gonna make it after all 

The road to happiness is a journey many start but few finish. It is a state of mind, not a destination. Embrace who you are and learn to celebrate the wonder that is YOU.

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