It’s quiet here in the house. Supper is over and the prep for tomorrow’s day is done. The TV has been shut off for the night. All I hear are the sounds of the keys as I type. A mesmerizing click, click, click as I tap out my thoughts from my grey matter onto my laptop. Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do? Every one lives their lives with some sort of routines in place, same bed time every night, eating at the same restaurants every week, shopping at the same grocery store on the same day of the week at the same time, week after week, month after month… the same, same, same things. It feels like being stuck on a merry go round of doom.
Most people I know find comfort in the routine of living. There are no surprises to shock the system. A person can figure out where their niche is and live happily within its confines. I get restless. This sort of day in and day out repeat episodes of Happy Days drives me mad. Anger is a very dangerous emotion for me. I have never really learned to do positive things with my negative feelings. I need to change that. As a child I thought that when I grew up I would be whole, “an adult”. This mysterious entity that left home every day, who went to work and did magical things like pay bills! Somehow in my child’s viewpoint I thought it meant I would have every good thing I ever wanted: I would be happy. I would have friends. I would be married with children (Oh yes, I wanted 10!) Life would be AMAZING! The problem with child like thinking is it never accounts for heartache, sickness, depression, disappointments. Everything in my kid dreams were hearts and unicorns.
I have a pretty good life. There are no children ( yes, I am still wounded by this) but I have a job and a hubby (a grumpy overgrown child man that I love) and a place to live and bills to pay. The glory of my life does not in anyway resemble my childhood notions and I am fine with that. I have a long road ahead of me; if I can find it from where I have been hiding in the woods of my life path. Avoiding things does not make them NON things. My truth? I allow my unhappiness to turn into anger and eating to hurt myself because instead of dealing with the negative emotions I try to choke them down with whatever I can sink my teeth into. It’s way past time to find a better way. I need to be better at being me. Say out loud why I am angry, own it, let it go so it can be energy for something good for me not something unhealthy.
Living is an action word. I need to do more of it.