Tag: peace

I Can’t Stand the Rain

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The constant tap, tap, tap as the wind pushes the rain into my office window is beginning to irritate me. I know I am in a small minority of folks that genuinely dislike rain, but it is my truth. Rainy Days and Mondays always gets me down… The best place to be when it rains is sequestered inside with books or movies to catch up on. I think the only time I don’t hate the rain? in the dead heat of a summer’s day when the humidity just won’t break. Most times though that rain just lasts long enough to make a mess and change the humidity, not always for the best. Once upon a time when I was young there was nothing like the rain on a summer’s day. Cooling enough to wash the dust from my thoughts, feet splashing in the mini rivers as I skipped along trying to keep up as the rain ran into the storm drains. Curious about the clouds changing from angry to hopeful as I looked skyward. Truly magical to a kid, but those days are long over. I barely cloud surf anymore, though I admit it still holds magic for me. Hope floats.

This batch of rain is misplaced and unwanted. I am trying to embrace the discomfort of today. I am writing my blog. I am drinking tea. I am browsing/ shopping online. I am binge watching Disney. I mean it is only rain, right? I want to think about something other than the howling wind. It is not so dark anymore (9:28 a.m.) and the wind seems to be calming down a bit. SQUEE! 

I believe there will be no snow for this Christmas. It has just been too rainy and warm. On one hand I am happy (no shoveling) but on the other hand a touch sad. I like a white Christmas even if it is just a light dusting. There is something about (probably left over Bing Crosby vibes) the magic of snow which makes me feel as if the Universe is in its proper alignment, lol. I am wishing you all, the happiest of what the holidays can be about. Love the people in your life. You are enough. YOU are loved. You are amazing. Never Give UP ON the Person You Are Meant TO BE.

3:36 A.M. Sleep Derailed

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It is often in the small hours of the morning that I find myself awake, fighting off dreams that are searching for meaning. This morning is one of those mornings. I misplaced a favorite sweatshirt. I have been riddled with angst ever since I sought out its comfort and found I have NO IDEA where I have left it. Is it in my vehicle? No. Is it at my gym? NO. Did I leave it at work? Possibly… To the outside observer this all most seem trivial, but it worries me. I am not a fan of getting older. I have noticed that lately my hands are unable to button /unbutton tiny closures. I cannot see fine print as easily as I used to. My music is now MUZAK. WTF. Sometimes, more often than I like to admit, I am having a time remembering everything. I have become a list maker. A LIST MAKER (Key, dread filled muzak).

Hubby and I went to bed at 8:30 ON PURPOSE. WHO? have I BECOME? Well, I have zero ideas, but I will never stop trying to figure it out. I am having a hard time at the moment with my headspace. Menopause is a tough mistress. She takes (my youth), takes (my hair), takes (my humor) and the only things she is willing to give I do not want (wrinkles, weight gain, and, anger issues). Most days I am just fine. I mean I have to embrace whatever comes at me, eventually. I try to live every day with a positive twist but sometimes I carry the weight of my decisions on my shoulders which in turn becomes bad dreams where I feel like I am treading water wearing kitten heels and a white shimmering dress. [Spoiler alert…this is an obscure reference to Ginger Grant on Gilligan’s Island. I told you I am OLD…er] No one will rescue me, that is my job. I am capable. I am willing. I just need to stop being so hard on myself.

I recently watched a video; ok it was an Instagram reel but still. This guy was talking about how we as humans have to learn to lose people and be okay with it. He wasn’t talking about loved ones who die but people who walk away from our lives or that we walk away from. I learned that my “need” to ask my hubby a hundred times a day if he is okay is actually a leftover from childhood trauma. Why? because no one ever asked me if I was okay when I was a kid and I clearly was not. Mind Blown! I overthink everything. I have a hard time relaxing. I lack the ability to let go. I suffer with anxiety, who doesn’t? I don’t like people to know that but recently I have come to the conclusion that I do much better if I just admit I am having a tough day. Life can be a challenge on great days. I love a good challenge. I am not giving up on myself any time soon. Thanks for sitting with me while I thought through my nightmare. I think I will go back to bed and squeeze in between hubby and our cat and just wait for the dawn of a new day…Check you later…

Rolling Stone

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Sisyphus lives

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

The Wonder Of It All

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Have you ever just sit some place quiet and wonder about things? The place you choose doesn’t need to be fancy or even beautiful but it does have to offer or reflect a sense of calm. Well, it does for me at least. Lately I have been trying to figure out where in my timeline I swerved off my path. Not all changes that come to a life are planned or meaningful or meant to cause you pain. Once again I find myself at a rotary in my travels and I am not sure if I should take the second right or merge left.

I never hide or run from the fact that I can be a hot mess. “Normal” is a bullshit state of mind created by people who are unable or unwilling to admit that everybody struggles, themselves included. Sad for them because these types of people tend to keep themselves apart from others. They come off as aloof when in reality we, ( the divine inhabitants of the pool of hot messness ) scare the shit out of them or embarrass them or just plain make them feel uncomfortable, awkward.

The story of my life. I am okay with it, all of it. My life right now is in a state of flux. I think it may have started before I was forced to “see’ the changes around me but here I am. I am making waves with a new sense of who I am and what I am willing to “put up with”. I finally feel like I can stand on my own. No validation necessary. There are times however, when I miss what once was. I recently felt a surge of the happiness and good news vibe. It is an amazing feeling that makes you want to pick up the phone to call or text your BFF right away. It lingered only a moment but it happened. I am no longer a part of their lives. I allowed myself to feel unhappy for a touch of time and then put those negative thoughts away. Never waste time stirring an empty pot. I am loving where I am right now in my journey of discovery: new people, new challenges, passports, school, tour guide…my possibilities are endless.

In A Dream

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Or is it? a dream I mean. I think about you often. Once upon a time it was every moment of every day with every breath. I could not allow myself to accept that you had died. I still miss you. I would still give my life so you could have life but I am no longer crippled with sadness. Time does smooth a stone. Every year I tell myself that same little white lie, I will be strong. I will celebrate you…

You are there in the shadows waiting for me to give into the Mistress we call Sleep. I am sad. I am trying to stay awake, trying to make myself figure out what has triggered my tears. My soul knows but my mind does not want to give in. When I am lucky enough to see you in my dreams you are happy. There is a peace that surrounds you that escaped you when you were alive. Maybe that is just my deepest wish for you, that you found what you had spent all that time searching for. Today dawns the anniversary of your very last day. I like to think that we spent that day together but it is a lie. We talked but we were moving within our own lives, just like the days and months before your accident.

Sometimes in a storm we are unable to right our course or keep the boat from capsizing. I am sorry I didn’t realize you were in a storm. I love you. Love does not diminish with the years. I have a hard time recalling your voice now and that will only deepen as I age but your laugh is ever loud. Your beauty ever present.

The Light of a New Day

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There is a soft sound coming from somewhere near by, sweet and melodious but I can’t discern where it might be coming from. I am in that state between a dream in sleep and waking. I open my eyes. My room is still bathed in the shadow of early morning. My cat is sleeping beside my upper left thigh rolled into a ball, head tucked into tail. I carefully free my arm from the warm layers of blanket it has been cozy in to sneak a quick scratch to the cat. She lifts her head to look at me. I am greeted with a quick chirp. I love this cat. Hubby and I rescued her during the Big Life Shutdown (Covid-19). I can still hear the tune that stirred me. I am able to hear my inner voice quite clearly and I am sure it is me thinking about a song that I just can’t get out of my mind. I am awake in the light of a new day.

Some times life changes in ways that is unexpected and unwanted but it happens so pull up those big girl panties and show up. I am changing. I am not the person I once was. The person I strove to be in my younger years I now find distasteful. I surprise myself with how unready I was to be a grown up. Silly fantasy instead of planning a life. I could have gone to college. I could have been anything I wanted to work for but I chose a different path. I have no regrets. The less travelled road often reaps the best hidden gems; BUT, I can not undo the years where I felt like I was less than everyone. Was I not as intelligent, not as wise, not as beautiful as everyone around me? Maybe but unlikely. What was I? Complicit. No excuses. My sisters and I were raised without much expectation so I rose to that level. I was complicit in my own failure to achieve something greater than I had been exposed to .

I tried to never have any friends. I rarely reached out to family. I liked to pretend I was all alone in my misery. I really desperately wanted to be seen but I was more afraid to experience any more emotional pain. In my adult life I managed to find love and get married. I let my wall of defenses down long enough to allow myself to find love. Life changing in so many good ways. I think it is the real reason I have allowed myself to grow as a person. I was accepted as I was; not as a token to what I might be or what I could become. Just me, warts and all. I have love and I am still married.

People are so simple and yet so complex. We will do anything to make a friend and then everything to make them go away when they get “too close” or a conflict develops. Someone I was once very close with recently told me that over the past few years I had become increasing hard to be friends with. News to me. There were no warning flares, no “hey! you are being a bitch”, no “this isn’t fun anymore”…. just avoidance, from both of us. I think we both knew in the back of our minds that our friendship had seen better days. Our friendship started to feel like an old married couple who don’t want to face the truth of their dead love; we dragged our friendship around, until I made that step. I committed the worst deed. I spoke up. I fancied the idea of chasing after her, to make things better, to right whatever wrong I may have done; but, I stopped myself. I am better than that. I have learned how to say goodbye. I know what I am worth, what my time means to me. I am no longer interested in trivial bullshit I had no hand in creating.

In the light of a new day I know I will make other friends. I know I will let others drift away from me and I will be drifted away from but at the end of my days my life will still be better for all of it. The memories, the laughs, and yes, even the tears. I will miss her. She taught me many lessons, some life changing, some soul burning, some life affirming. You can’t make anyone like you. It has to be a gift freely given. No regrets.

In the light of a new day? I am enough just as I am.

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

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It is 5:30 in the morning on the 1st day of the last year in this decade. Yes. it is the last year of the decade! Nothing and no body starts at year one but at day one. Except in some cultures where you are born and considered to be nine months old, time spent in utero counts. Wish I could use that one when it comes time to retire. I am sitting in my office thinking about the year 2019. I am not a big fan of “the year was good to me, bad to me” time is elusive. It is the events and people within that year that make IT memorable. Let’s face it a lot of shitty things happen to each of us in a course of a year. People we love pass away, sometimes we get sick, or depressed. Jobs are lost, or change. New friends are gained. Some old friends are left by the wayside no longer fitting into what a person needs or wants. Life is ever moving,  just like time.

I haven’t really written much since July. I guess I needed a break from my thoughts. I love to write but sometimes if I am not careful it leads me down the path to depression. I find if I spend too much time in my own head I can’t escape my pain. The first part of 2019 was like many years before it, the same old dog and pony ride. I was angry. I am always angry. Most people I know might not believe that to be the case but it is true. I am angry. It is my greatest challenge and my biggest downfall. I decided sometime before my Auntie’s surgery to let anger take a vacation. I really needed a break from her so I sent her away.  I am better for it. My relationship with my hubby is better. I feel better around myself and other people. I even went back to WWs.

In retrospect I would have to say that I was good to 2019.  I found myself. Who I have always been but was afraid to be. I feel at peace with myself (right now, at this moment). I am trying to find my joy everyday. I am participating in my life and in my well being. I have made some new friends. Some of my other friendships are changing and I am okay with that. When a pond stays stagnant for too long its life force dies.  I am working on the things on my “bucket list”. I have even managed to get a few things crossed off. Silly, I know but a life not lived or not being able to find joy in is not living.

My wish for 2020? peace

The Pain of Being Me

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Some times I am not honest enough with myself; other times I am so honest I hurt my own feelings. I mean WTF? Imagine if I just let myself live in peace?!?!? Once again I find myself in a space I created, and an unsafe one at that. I am sure you have all heard the phrase ‘to paint oneself into a corner’.
beetlebailey Well, I am really good at doing that. Lately I have been getting to the end of my work day feeling exhausted, drained, and spent. I took a hiatus from trying to be healthy right around this time last year and well, just as you might think, I am fluffy. I am getting way to old to keep fighting with myself. The fight is over. No winner, just a draw. No rematch planned. I just can’t do this bugsbunny gif  to myself anymore.

I own all that is me. The things I have built into the legend that is me and the things that are just my sad truths. No more hiding, no more trying to conform. People will either  like me or not, their choice, not mine. Choose wisely. What is next for me? I really don’t know. I will continue to share things to my blog. I will continue to be a hot mess but from now on I am going to try my hardest to be less of a hot mess. I am picking up the pieces of my puzzle. I will keep trying to arrange them into some version of myself I can live comfortably with. I need to worry about my health before I find myself chasing after what I once took for granted.

I am watching old TV specials of Barbra Streisand as I free write (putting down what ever pops into my grey matter) this blog post. Somehow in the course of living I forgot how much I really love her voice. Perhaps there is still time in my life to SING because it makes me happy. Do you think that some people are just born with the talent to sing? I mean really sing without any voice lessons? Streisand helped me survive my teenage years. I would come home from school feeling friendless, angry, and ugly. I would turn up the volume on my mother’s Emerson stereo and sing every album I owned of hers. I would sing away all the hurt, disappointment, and uncertainty of school day. Her music would take me to a place of hope. Every note, every change in key, every breath carefully taken between key notes in the music or phrasing. My brain knows and can still reproduce every song even after all these years.  I still don’t need a pitch pipe.pitch pipe

 

August

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It s a Saturday morning late into the month of August. I am sitting in my chair in my office (comfort zone) where I like to pretend, plan, and hope for better. Whatever that better might be…sex, job, weight, hair style. I am a lousy adult. I hate most everything that goes along with adulting: working, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, decisions, decisions, decisions, and responsibilities that never end. Hell, I don’t want them in my life let alone have a list! The older I get the more I realize that what I am really looking for is PEACE. Peace with myself. The time for growing into the person I thought I wanted to be is gone. Instead of working on myself I have been trying to catch a ride to anyplace that will take me away from myself. Huh? I know, right?

I let this  happen to me (September 1,2018) today. I walked into my grocery store and almost bumped into someone I went to WWs with. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I avoided eye contact, pretended that I had not seen this person, and walked in the opposite direction in search of my binge food. Have I lost my flippin’ mind? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I find a way back to the surface? I was embarrassed. I stopped trying to be a successful WW. If you know me you can see it quite plainly. Avoiding this person only filled me with shame and anger. Not healthy emotions. I have eaten crap all day today in a backwards attempt at masquerading how I am feeling.

Life is precious so why does it feel so mundane to me? Maybe this is what getting old is really about… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone… Autumn is closer now than I ‘d like. I am not going to struggle with myself anymore over this bullshit. No more obsessing about my weight… I just can’t do it anymore. It is not helpful. Good bye sauces. good bye granola bars, good bye Nutella, good bye peanut butter (I will miss you most). Good bye to all the carb heavy things my demons crave. Good bye processed food. Good bye I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M (tissue?) Cheese? I am sorry, but we have to break up. It’s me not you. No, that’s a lie. It is you. Our relationship is not healthy.

I log over 12,000 steps a day! I feel every step. My legs push their pain on me. My legs and knees are my enemy. My lungs scream for air. I cringe at the thought of stairs.   Menopause has given me heart palpitations as a gift. I miss bending over to tie my sneakers. Jeans? Oh, don’t even get me started. I am certain that by now none of my favorite hoodies fit or my pants or my winter coat… maybe shivering in the cold while I am naked, will count as exercise and some of my frozen tundra will just chip off !?! 

It is never too late to try once again, so I am told. I still have some misadventures left in my soul.  Cry Havoc! and slip loose the dogs of war! What say you? Do I still have fight in me or should I lie down in a field of flowers and await the vultures? I may slip and falter but I  will never give up or live my life lying down.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

soul shine
Never stop trying
I am NOT BROKEN
Loving yourself

 

 

And So The Story Goes…

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… Once upon a time in the Woo there lived a malcontent that went by the name of  Didi(disappointed damsel in distress). Okay, so maybe there are three Ds but did you really think I was going to call myself the girl with the Triple Ds? Not going to do it, nope.

I have had a very interesting July/August so far. I have made myself get out into the world for Saturday adventures with people in and around my life. It has RAINED every single trip. I must say that all of my companions have been great sports about the weird weather. The question is, what am I looking for? Why do I feel the need to chase peace? I am trying to have fun hitting some of my favorite spots with new people and exploring new places with companions I have adventured with before. Why does it feel like I am just going through the motions? When will I start to feel the wonder, the excitement, the rush of adrenaline from the unknown variables that make adventures enjoyable? Do you know the feeling I am talking about? It’s that child like awe of Christmas mornings, that intangible feeling of awesomeness from the things, the sights, the smells all around you.

It begins as it always does with the mere glimmer in my thoughts that I can do better, that I can be better. I am slowly returning to myself. I let myself get too caught up in the WWs mantra and lost me on the way. I am back on my journey. I am trying to make healthier food choices. I know what I am doing. I just have to believe I can do it. Hell, I have been doing this since I was in my 20s. I had zero confidence when I was younger. No belief in my own power. I felt at odds. There are no established rules about growing into the amazing person you are meant to be. It comes with self acceptance, friends that love you, people in your life who get you, and a glimmer of light that comes from your soul. Remember  just because you are able to recognize the beauty in others does not mean you are good at recognizing it in yourselves! I have always made the mistake that my beauty is less than someone else’s, which is an untruth. My beauty is uniquely mine.

I have truly been blessed and foolishly I have been wasting so much time feeling unworthy. Every time I embrace who I know I am, I am better. I do better. I believe in myself. It is my inability or my unwillingness to let go of my anger that harms me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I really need to break off from this toxic relationship. Yo, Anger it’s been real but you and me, we have to go our separate ways. I know you think you are protecting me but it’s a lie I like to trick myself into believing.

 

I face tomorrow with a renewed hope in myself. This time I will hold on so I can see what is on the other side of the rainbow. Never Give Up On The Person You Are meant To BE!

life-quote