The Uneasiness Of Peace

The hardest truths to accept are self truths.  Everyone knows the world is round, that birds fly, turtles swim. My own truths? I want to avoid them, lie to myself, be dishonest. I will do most anything but accept the real truths of WHO I am. I was so blinded by emotional pain in my youth, I never planned on any future. I daydreamed of better days never realizing that I needed to take responsibility for myself. Make a plan, work the plan, make my dreams come to light.  I never believed in myself. I never thought I would ever be given the opportunity for “happily ever after”.  Failure has always been my seatbelt, closed in around me giving me the illusion I was being kept from harm. Failure has a way of marrying frustration over dreams not fulfilled and births a child named Discontent.

I taught myself to eat as a coping/comfort mechanism. I wish I hadn’t.  I find that when I am on a downward spiral that I don’t actually remember tasting my food. I have an uncomfortable courtship with love. I eat to fill the void where love should be.  Love should always be given and received no strings attached. Love isn’t meant to be dangled on a string like a prize at a Fair. Love should fill you with a light that no one can dim.

I hunger for acceptance but put little of myself out there for people to know. I have been pushed aside and laughed at too many times. I have few friends. I am not a hugger. If I feel someone is being unreal with me I don’t interact with them ever again. It is time to let go and set myself free.

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