What Makes Us Different…

makes us the same.

It starts early in my day on Fridays. I start thinking about what I want to blog about. I worry no one will read my thoughts or worse that no one will care.  Sometimes I wonder if the effort I put in is worth it. Then I remember this blog is for me. I write as a way to keep myself in check. I share how I am feeling in the hopes that what I have to say helps one person to realize that they are not alone. We all struggle with something :  loneliness, depression, weight, beauty, stress from a bad marriage, death of a loved one…the list is endless. What makes us different makes us the same.

I started this weight loss journey again in February. I decided it was time for me to change my outlook (I had painted it grim, I was buying my own lies hook, line, and sinker). I forgot how to be happy, to live in my moments. I had spent so much time and energy trying to be the best daughter to my Pops, who suffers with dementia, that I had stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about me. I should have reached out for help. Maybe, I wouldn’t have gotten so lost if I had just stopped and asked for direction.

I throw a wall of emotions out in front of me to keep me safe from prying eyes. I make people laugh so I won’t cry. I sing because I am in distress. I eat because I am angry and I don’t know how to use that negative energy in a positive way. I decided that those things that are sometimes true about me needed to be changed. I needed to change. I am learning to own my anger. I don’t have to self-destruct. I am bigger than that. I am worth more than that. I am learning to laugh from joy. I sing because it makes me happy. I  try to talk myself out of my anger. I am trying to let go of things I am unable to change.  I am growing as a person, not in the waistband, a first for me.  = )

The truth is everyone is afraid to get hurt. Life is not a free ride. It comes with pain and disappointment. It has moments of grief and anger. It is the longest, most intense adventure you will ever undertake. You deserve to be in every messy, wonderful, emotion filled moment of it. Learn to be kind to yourself. You do it for other people, learn to value yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the way things have gone in the past. Live for the now.

You have the chance to be a better version of you, right now.  You are strong enough to stand up for what you want. There is no need to feel guilty about being successful at being you. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

What makes us different makes us the same  =  ) We can do this Cupcake!

 

 

What’s IT Worth?

Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )

 

 

TEN

On a scale of one to ten please rate your pain today. The little smiley/sad faces on the chart at the doctor’s office are there to help you express how you are feeling. You have the oil changed at your local car dealership or lube shop and they want you to fill out a survey. On a scale of one to ten  with one being the lowest score how would you rate your visit today? Were you satisfied, somewhat satisfied, depressed, ecstatic or just plain giddy? Questions, questions, questions. How am I ? I feel wonderful, alive and at peace. I am in a good place right now. I plan on enjoying this journey back to me. I am learning to live my life again. I am making better choices. I feel like I have new avenues to explore and adventures to take part in. I am watching my confidence bloom into an amazing bundle of hope. With hope anything is possible.

I had a great week. I guess I had my first real “feel good” non scale victory. I logged all of my food and all of my sins. I chose more than once not to take the easy way out by grabbing a fast snack. I am planning out more of my meals. I have returned to the all important making of shopping lists. I am reading my labels with better understanding. I am scanning labels I am unsure of and making educated purchases. Damn, it feels good. All it took was a glimmer of self belief. You really can start a fire with a spark.

I love getting up early on Saturday mornings to go to my meeting. I have promised myself to go and to stay for my meeting each week. So far so good  =  ) I have challenged myself to join water aerobics and buy a waterproof fitness band. I am trying to move more.

On a scale of one to ten? Yes, I am a TEN and not just two fives in the wrong place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Success?

A WW leader once said to me that without try….there would be no triumph. I am trying to put a little more umph into my try.  Last week I maintained at the scale. Still a victory, though at the time it felt hollow. Like when you are voted club president and there are only three of you; hollow. I went home a little down but I have not given up. I have been thinking.

What is success? I know what it reads in the dictionary. I define success as working towards a desired goal. I am the goal, not my weight. I want to be the best example of myself. When I smile I want it to be real not painted on to make someone else happy. I want to feel like I have done the best for me. I measure my successes with the small things. My bath towel goes a  little further around my middle, no more of my kibbles and bits sneaking out. My clothes are beginning to feel less snug all around. I have more energy. My level of self belief has grown. I am excited about what is next on this journey.

I had lost faith in the power of me. It has been a long road back to finding that little girl that lives in my soul. She is the light in the tunnel of my mind, my guide through the rough patches. She carries the truths of who I am. She holds onto my hopes, my joy and the wonderment of being alive that sometimes gets lost amongst the chaos of being a grown up. She keeps the best things about me safe for when I remember I deserve to be happy; that I am worthy of success.

What is success? Never giving up on the person you are meant to be.

 

One of Those Days

It has been one of those days. Lately everyday has been one of those days. I don’t know how to get off the merry-go-round. Have you ever put something off, you know, didn’t do something or fix something simply because you held onto the silliest belief that the problem would just go away? Funny how life doesn’t work the way we want it to. My Dad will never be younger or healthier or more mindful. His yellow brick road has less turns left to it. His journey more complete than just begun. Once upon a time not so long ago he was a giant amongst men. He had a wife and children, a job that kept us all cared for. He loved to laugh and sing. In my eyes he could anything. As I sit across from him at the eye doctor I see him for the first time in a long time.

He has aged. He is still strong but is now shrunken in his frame. His eyesight betrays him and his hearing is off. His ears seem large to me but I am sure it is that silly straw cowboy hat he insists on wearing. His hands which once held me are now twisted from years of over use and arthritis. He asks me often why they ache. Maybe they are a reflection of the pain he has had in his life. I try not to think about my Dad someday being to old to be. I try to be in the moment whenever we are together. Make a new memory, forgive an old disagreement. I tell him often how much I love him. It is the one thing I fear he will forget. It would break me.

The only gift we have is TODAY. Live it, enjoy it, savor it, do something with it. Just don’t throw it away.

On The Road

I find myself on a road that I am all too familiar with. I feel angry, confused and just a little like a balloon with a pinhole leak. I don’t handle my anger well. I obsess about all of the details that have lead up to my anger. It takes all of my concentration to let go of my anger balloon. I want to be acknowledged. I want to feel that the thing that I am angry about is justified. That I am indeed right to be pissed off. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. Sometimes I over react. I allow a situation to spin out of control. When the shit hits the fan, and it always does, I am stunned. Caught with my eyes half closed. Will I ever learn? probably not. I am one of those hopeless romantics certain that tomorrow will be a better day.

I have too much faith in people. Trust in someone other than yourself and time and time again people let you down. Truth is I let myself down. Why do I expect more from others? I am a WANTER. I want to be happy. I want to be believe. I want to be someone other than who I think I am. I want money( who doesn’t). I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be the best example of me that there is but all of these wants are of a dream of unattainable desires that I don’t know how to acquire and sadly, even if all my WANTS came to fruition, I wouldn’t know what do with them.

Wanting is not a bad thing in small doses. Growing up I just wanted to feel safe. I have a hard time relaxing. I mean really relaxing, living in the moment. Whatever that moment is: joy, sadness, great conversation. I am always on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Looking over my shoulder, waiting for the wind to change directions. Something wicked this way comes… Mom is in a bad mood. Hide your prized possessions. Be careful what you say. Walking on eggshells. Uncertainty is a difficult feeling to let go of.

I am an adult with my own life. My mother passed away almost eight years ago. My father is living in a nursing home. For the first time in my life I have no responsibility to anyone but myself. I made it my job to ensure everyone else’s happiness yet I never mapped out a plan for myself. I didn’t realize the prison I made for myself had a key. A way out. This whole time I had this key with no idea what it was for. The time has come for me to free myself from false expectations. I hold onto beliefs of myself that are simply not who I feel that I am.

I loved the MTM show in my youth. I often sing the theme song, maybe it is time I learned to follow my dreams  = )

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it’s you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don’t you take it
You’re gonna make it after all 

The road to happiness is a journey many start but few finish. It is a state of mind, not a destination. Embrace who you are and learn to celebrate the wonder that is YOU.
 

Anchors Aweigh

little things to keep my ship sailing in the right direction
little things

Today I listened and heard and took grasp of the belief I had lost in myself. It started with a simple question. What ANCHORS help you stay on the path? What keeps you grounded? on course? It can be a person, an idea, a belief. I suppose in the right mind set it could be anything.
I have been traveling along, my path obscured by fog of my own doing. I got lost in the noise of my life. I put away the little things that had been helping me to steer my ship in the right direction.

I switched up my WWs meeting. I felt I needed a change; in me, my surroundings, my comfort zone. I am getting back into the feel of being a successful WW. The last time I joined (2007) I had a great stretch. I had a wonderful, zany leader that I learned to be inspired by. I lost 145.6 lbs in 14 months. I was on top of the world. One day our meeting leader said goodbye. Her husband serves in the military and when it is time to move, it is time to move. It felt like the ledge let go under my feet. I knew there would be others to lead but not like Janie. Still I believed I could maybe hold on. Slowly I lost my way. Life has a way of changing even if you are not ready or ill-prepared or ill-tempered. Life is a bitch and when Lola wants change she gets it. I call the grander things involving life, Lola, my way of making peace with the universe = )

I know that I am not alone on this path. I am blessed to have people, things, beliefs and ideas to keep me grounded. I have Janie to thank for setting me on my course but it is up to me to finish the ride. I have a keepsake tin where I keep my anchors. Some I found, some were given, some were made by Janie. Never underestimate who you are to someone else. You could very well be the extraordinary in someone else’s ordinary life.

I am liking my new leader. She is funny, she cares, she inspires.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. This is my belief ANCHOR.

Leap of Faith

You know that feeling you get after a  rain storm? The inhale of optimism, like anything is possible. The air smells fresh and all the grime has been washed away from the sidewalks. I have been like a raincloud overburdened with debris waiting for the right moment to unleash all and start anew.

I shut off the alarm early. I wanted to go back to sleep but that little voice inside my head was shouting, ” leap of faith, leap of faith, leap of faith.” I have been rolling around ideas in my little grey space for a while. I have lost belief in myself and the power of changing the things that need tending to. I let it happen. That shit stops now. I am my voice.

Choices made, I leave my house and drive to my new meeting. I feel a rush of confidence wash over me as I pep talk myself, push open the door and walk in. I know one of the weigh-in ladies. I CAN do this. I was only going to weigh in but that little voice was shouting” leap of faith, leap of faith” so I stayed. Mother Nature in concert with my decision opened her skies and the rains came down and I felt a wave of optimism I thought I had lost. Funny thing happened on the way to being disappointed I was inspired instead. Timing is everything. Right time, right place.

 

Twenty Weeks, Five Days

I am obsessed with my birthday. I always have been, I probably always will be.  Somewhere in the course of my life, I have convinced myself that if I have a problem; I can (if I try hard enough and believe in magic) fix whatever ails me by my birthday. For the record, it has never worked. Why I keep traveling down the same road looking for Trish Nirvana is beyond me. (Smacks self in head). There is something to be said though for the optimism that I feel whenever I make this declaration of achieving greatness by my birthday.

In the depths of my soul I believe in myself. It loses strength somewhere on its way to the top. I am never able to hold onto that self-belief very long. Fear is not what keeps success in myself from fruition. It is my unwillingness to accept that as a human being I have value, a worthiness that is mine and mine alone simply because I am alive. I don’t know why I am so hard on myself. I am the one who keeps my dreams at bay. I am the one who gives up on herself. I am the one who cradles my feelings. I am the one who dodges affection. I am the one who avoids the truth.

Dorothy held onto a belief (not to mention she had no other choices) if she got herself to the Emerald City the Wizard would help solve her problems and get her back home.  With her goofy sidekicks and a few miss-steps she learned to rely on herself, ok except for the part where the flying monkeys carry her ass off. She never needed the Wizard to rescue her, she needed herself.  Perhaps the Yellow Brick Road is our life path. We place the bricks each day. Where it leads to is up to us.

I started my brickway many times and in various directions. The time has come for paths to connect and roads to end. I have been lost for far too long. It is time to take up my journey once again, traveling my road one brick at a time. I owe it to myself. I am worthy. I have goofy sidekicks, who I love more than I care to admit. I am stronger with them by my side. I know I have what it takes to see this journey through to the next journey.

Flying monkeys beware. I am ready for your bad asses.

Twenty weeks and five days from now I will still be Trish. It will be my birthday. My life will not magically fall into place on this day but I remain optimistic.  = )