It is difficult to be “in” everyday. We all do it. Walk through a day instead of being in the day. Maybe it happened the last time just a few days ago when you had to sit through a work meeting or maybe it was at a function you didn’t want to go to like a graduation or a wedding. My point is we all do it. I do it as a way to preserve my sanity; play along to get along. I hate that about myself. Every time I walk through a day I lose a tiny piece of myself. I am tired of giving me away for no return on my investment.
I find, for myself, that every time I do this my ANGER grows. I become less happy. My resentment level builds to a point where I feel like a cat whose fur has been rubbed the wrong way, putting me on edge. I feel boxed in with no hope for escape. It needs to stop. I am letting go of my anger, again. I want Anger to leave and take her nasty friends, Fear and Loathing with her. Whenever we hang out together I am the one who suffers. I start to question all of my life choices. I am 50. Let’s be honest my anger about wrong path taking should have been set on the right road along time ago. I didn’t follow my dreams because I was afraid. Afraid to live.
I hold a grudge against myself for letting myself down over and over. Self-loathing doesn’t change anything. The only thing I accomplish by being angry with myself is fulfill my own prophecy about not amounting to much. Hold a person up to high expectations and the common man will do whatever it takes to rise to the occasion, to prove his worth, to be given the chance for better and bigger things. I just want my chance. I know in the depths of my soul that I am capable of being so much more than I allow myself to be.
I need a positive change. I will post at least one positive thing a day. I will make it about something that I do or accomplish for me. I am worth the time. Today I made the choice to be happier with myself just the way I am. All my flaws and all the things I like about myself; the whole package = )