Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

Jan Brady and I

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Marcia, Marcia, Marcia…we all know how that episode of the Brady Bunch goes. Jan felt overshadowed by the wonderfulness that was her older sister. All Jan wanted was to be noticed. To be her own person in her own right.

Middle Child Syndrome.The one that everyone sees but nobody notices.

I think that’s why I fell in love with singing.I know not where you thought I was going with this, right?. I love to sing. I guess you could say that I am in love with the sound of my own voice; I sing that much. There is nothing in this universe that makes me feel more vibrant and alive than when I can belt out a tune.

I find myself by getting lost in the emotion of the words and the sound of the arrangement. I am freed from all the stresses that dot my everyday life. When I sing I am autonomous, no one and nothing can hurt me. My soul is free and I feel like I could be anything. I don’t worry that people will look at me and not see.

I sing at church, in the rain, at work, at Target while I grocery shop. I bet you are wondering if I am any good? People tell me that I am but in my heart I really don’t care if I’m not. I sing for me because it makes me HAPPY. So how can I lose?

That One Person

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Everyone needs that one person. You know who I am talking about. That one person who sees through the lies, sees through the fear, sees through the walls you have put up to keep yourself safe. That one person who will hold you accountable for your actions. I have been very blessed to have had three; my kid sister, my hubby, my BFF.

I am sure there have been others that were not fooled by my guises but only these three ever made me face myself. Others have told me of my short comings not out of love but annoyance. Like the casual co-worker who thinks they know how best to fix your life. We all know the truth behind that. People in glass houses shouldn’t own rocks, or throw them either. The only real way to fix your life is to do it yourself.

It is also one of the toughest things you may ever do. In order to fix what you think is wrong with your life, every thing in and around you needs to be looked at and sorted. People tend to do things because the outcome feeds a need. Give a smile to get a smile if you get my drift.  The older I become the more restless I feel. I am not so sure of myself any more. For the first time in my life I feel old. Will I ever be able to let go of the memories of being let down by the adults in my life who should have lifted me up instead of put me in my place?

I want to be able to let go of things that are unhealthy to keep clinging onto, hoping that I will remember them differently. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Falling down teaches a toddler how to walk. Somehow when we get older we are afraid to fall. Is it because we might not be strong minded enough to try to stand up? to try just one more time? I need to accept that failure on any level is the only true way to know success when I finally achieve it. It is ok to be flawed that what makes each of us unique.

Not Where I Want to BE

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“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be” how true the quote, how cutting the remark. And yet, couldn’t it just be the most motivating, awe inspiring thing you’ve heard in a long time?
I need this. Hell, I need something. Lord knows I haven’t felt inspired in months. WWs as a whole has been lackluster of late. I am not interested in a plan that constantly changes. I am interested in a plan that consistently changes me for the better. I swear I no sooner “learn” the new WW program and poof new version 2.0 is now in effect. Really? C’mon.
Dear fellow WW members,
You want to know the inside story to great success? You.  That’s it, just you. Amazed? Well you should be.  Eat like your life depended on it, because in reality it does. I can not believe I have let myself keep me hostage all these years. I am tired of being my own worst enemy. I am done hurting myself for my shortcomings. I have wasted so much of my precious life waiting to become the best me. Maybe I am already the best me. The BEST friend, the BEST wife, the BEST person and I just refuse to see that I am okay. My goal? to learn to accept who I truly am versus who I think I should be and just be happy in the moment.

If I Only…

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What was the one experience that completely changed your life? What happened? How did it change your life?

If I Only Knew Then What I Know NOW…

Could have, would have, should have. I am my own worst enemy. I am good at it. I have been beating myself up all of my life; well for most of it anyway.  I dwell on my failures instead of my success.

If only. I often find myself repeating that in my head. If only I had been prettier, smarter, quicker.

If only I had more ambition I could have been… sound familiar?

The truth is I didn’t know then. I am certain I wouldn’t have wanted to know. Who wants to know they will be a fat, unhappy teenager who will grow into a fat, unhappy adult?  that it is a lot harder to walk away from sadness you have been forced to carry around in order to keep peace in a stressful situation? No one’s childhood is made of sunshine and lollipops. Mine was a mess of mental hospitals, medications, psychiatrists and therapy groups. My mother never once got any better. My dad worked all the time. I think he was overwhelmed by the seriousness of my mother’s mental issues.

There were three of us girls. We were left to our own devices.  We learned to eat around the goings on in the house. My mother bought more junk than food. Anything with a Hostess label was a prize; chips, cookies, pizza every payday. My dad is the one who cooked the healthy stuff, which he didn’t do often because he was always working.

I am like a helium balloon let loose to the sky. At first rush of freedom I soar up, up  ,UP but a breeze or a wind current always captures that helium balloon and becomes the master. Self-worth is a difficult concept for me to hold onto. My dream? to be able to nurture myself into something wonderful, amazing and awe inspiring. One day I want to be free. Accept me for who I am just as I am. No more self-hate. Why is it that I can’t accept myself?

Why Ask Why?

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The coolest question ever, maybe. I used to drive my Mom crazy asking her questions. It seems I have been searching for something my whole life. Aging has not changed my ways. I am always asking why, I am always searching for an answer. My life doesn’t change if I don’t ask for the things I need, the things I want and the things I want to understand. I write my thoughts down to help myself sort out the crap. I was drawn to blogging.  It is easier for me to articulate my feelings and set them afloat on the world wide web than it is to make yet another journal no one will ever read. I want to be heard. I want to be seen; not looked at or through. I want to matter.

So why ask why? when the questions stop coming and the answers evade there is no need to find the end of the rainbow, or the cure for cancer, or why puppies make me happy and Christmas makes me cry. Why ask why? I am not ready to give up on the answers.

Time to Try Something New

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Well I have decided to change things up a bit and blog at a new site. It may take me awhile to figure this new setup out but in time I will overcome the obstacles in my way. WWs has canceled my early morning Sunday meetings. Time to try something new…

Seems that WWs was not turning a profit from the early morning meeting. Not an attendance problem but rather too many success stories. In simpler terms there were too many people at this meeting that made it to lifetime goals. Reaching lifetime guarantees  participants free meetings.

Talk about double standards. I have to ask myself if I want to be associated with a organization that on one hand  wants me to succeed but on the other hand not at the cost of them losing my valuable status as a person unable to overcome my weighty issue thus insuring WWs continued revenue for years to come.

I am stronger than them. I am Trish hear ME roar!

There are things I want to accomplish in my life.One of those things is to be of a normal size so that I never have to shop specialty stores again unless I want to. Enough with the talking it is time to buckle down, head to the task and conquer the world.