Category: Ponderances

For questions I can’t seem to find the answers to.

So Is This How Old Feels?

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…and if it is can we start a different game? For the first time in my recent history I just may feel as old as I actually am. I am not feeling well. I feel tired, run down. I am typing this blind right now because my eyes are burning so badly that I can not focus even with my glasses on. Ever since my episode of A-fib I have not been sleeping well, more from my own worries than whatever it is that my heart is doing. Yes, I am doing my adulting. I have an appointment with a cardiologist so let the testing begin ( and may the odds ever be in your favor). My symptoms are keeping quiet for the most part and my life is sort of back to the hot mess it has always been.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have never had the misfortune of being unwell. I am usually the one who takes care of everybody else. My poor hubby is worried about me in a way I don’t think he has ever been before. I love him for that but all of the hovering is making me nervous. He has no idea how to help me. His role has always been to comb my ruffled feathers back into place when a hair gets across my ass or I am upset over something small, trivial and of the utmost importance to me and me alone.

I am back to me. The me that was in this (better eating for a better me) for the long haul before the holidays hit. I shopped, I logged, I conquered. Well at least I did better with my choices this week and that, in my book, is a win. I feel like I accomplished something good for myself. I feel like I can continue to learn, live and succeed as a WW.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

Surprise!

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It is nearly midnight. As I shift my position on the bed it hits me. I am suddenly in a panicked state. I rush to sit up wondering to myself why my head is pounding so hard when I realize it is my heart going haywire and not my head at all. I am sweating and I am hot. I can’t seem to get my breath. My ears are throbbing as the blood rushes through my veins. I rip my sweatshirt off. I place my hand on the cold wall of my bedroom, trying to calm myself down and concentrate on my breathing. My chest feels heavy and my breathing is labored. My heart is beating so hard my ribs hurt. I pull off my t-shirt and attempt to stand. I am dizzy and my legs are wobbly.  I make my way to the bathroom directly across from our bedroom. I am scared but I am trying desperately to remember what I have been taught.

I take in the deepest breath that I can manage and force myself to cough. I need to make my heart rate slow and return to rhythm or fall into the likelihood of this situation escalating. I sit down on the toilet, draw in another breath, force another cough and bear down like I need to go to the bathroom. “C’mon, relax Trish. This is just A-fib. You know what you are supposed to do. Breathe, cough, bare down. Why is it that time seems to move so slowly and so rapidly at the same time? Is this what a time loop feels like?

I am in A-fib for six or seven minutes before my heart rate begins to slow and return to its normal beats. I am exhausted. My ribs hurt. I feel light headed probably from my exaggerated breathing but at least my heart is back on pace. I walk back into my room to sit on the edge of my side of the bed. I spend a few minutes trying to decide what to do. I know I will be out cold in a relatively short period of time. I clear my mind of all of the scariest of scenarios, put my t-shirt back on, climb under my covers and hope that I will awaken. I am tired so very tired…

I have been an active WW for nearly a year now. I am still a work in progress. I make mistakes. I am trying not to let the mistakes I make define who I am. I will not give up. I learn something new almost everyday. Before you ask, yes, I called my doctor. I went to see her physician’s assistant today. They ran a few tests and took my blood. I have had episodes of palpitations before but never one that has woken me from a sound sleep in the middle of the night. It is a good idea before starting a life style change (DIET) to have a check up with a physician of your choice. I always do. I would like to add that periodically you should check back in with said doctor and discuss any and all changes that may be occurring or that you have concerns about. I wish had.

I did something I loathe when other people do it. I didn’t ask for help. I did not wake my hubby. I did not call my doctor to talk with her about how crappy I have been feeling lately. All of these things are dangerous to ignore. I have recently come to realize that I am NOT on this life journey by myself. I am not alone. Who knew? Not me.

 

Bleak Friday

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I was awake before my alarm this morning. It is Black Friday. Looks like I didn’t make it through the looking glass and Alice  will have to carry on for another year without me while I try to figure out how to get back through the rabbit hole.  I am not the winning contestant on The Voice. I am not any wealthier. I am not married to a man twenty years younger than I am. My vacation is over. I take this week off every year, dreaming for a different outcome. An outcome that never comes to fruition.

Why do people feel the need to squeeze me so tightly with their needs? I feel cornered. I just want to turn tail and escape. I just wanted a week away from the noise. I wanted to bask in the freedom of letting people fend for themselves. I do not have the answers! I am not the FIXER! Why do people look to me for the calm that is missing in their lives?

You want the truth? Most days I am so anxious I want to throw up. I don’t want to get dressed let alone partake in living but I do it. Why? because I have wasted enough of my life waiting for a better day to rear its head. This is who I am. I have spent a good portion of my life running away from myself. Today I feel lonely. I feel like I wasted another week of vacation over trivial crap I will never care about.

What I really wanted for my vacation was to get away, from the job, co workers, from myself. I wanted some time alone to grieve. My hubby had to work so I needed to get up early everyday to take him to work. He doesn’t drive. No going anywhere to have fun unless I could be back for around 2 every afternoon. No time to get anything done. No time to cry, or write, or be alone.

What did I learn? Next time I will shut off my cellphone. Next time I will take a different vacation if my job denies my hubby’s vacation time again. Next time I will have a plan in place to have an adventure that I want to do. I need to remember to be true to myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. I forgot to ensure my own happiness. I foolishly  let down my radar. I got burned. My bad, won’t happen again.

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Avalanche

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I don’t always know what to do. I am the first one to admit that. Why people take it upon themselves to believe otherwise is beyond me. They are only fooling themselves. I went to my WW meeting last week. I was down at the scale. Usually that is enough to make me happy and ready to face my next week. I guess a few things have been feeding off of my psyche lately. People hearing me yet not listening to a word I say.  Me returning the favor in kind. It happens. I plan on being in my day, everyday but some times I catch myself not really being where I am supposed to be. That’s when my conversations sound more like yes, Dear. Yes, I am listening, uh huh….yada yada yada but I am the guilty person not really listening. I hate when I do that. I hate it more when I am full in the knowledge that I am doing it.

I am trying to live in a small space of happiness that I create for me. I am still struggling over the loss of my beloved Pops. The rush of powerful emotions that bubble up to the surface before I can stop the well of tears is ripping me apart. My frantic swim against the roll of the tide started Saturday afternoon and finished sometime Tuesday. I crawled back to a set of bad habits looking for comfort. Surprise there was no comfort, only anger at myself for making a really bad choice. avalance1 I have been desperately trying to stay above the onslaught of debris. I feel like I just barely survived an avalanche. Once again I found myself at the edge of that cliff. Do I keep climbing to get to my goal? or is it time to turn tail and head back to base camp to lick my wounds? I was going to quit. I know how to quit. I am rather good at it, actually. It is not what I want for myself anymore.

Should I stay or should I go? It is equally difficult to choose either path. Quitting something comes with a certain level of relief, anger and grief. The last time I quit this weight loss journey was nearly ten years ago. Ten years I have floundered. Ten years I have been hating myself. Why? because I quit. I disappointed myself. Continuing my quest to my version of a better me also a hard sell. Taking personal inventory,checking supplies and getting up the steam to hit the trail again also comes with new doubts and fears. I have decided my best chance of being happy lies with continuing my journey forward.

Never under estimate the power of a kind word or two. At my lowest point this week someone told me how good I am looking. They commended me on the hard work I am putting in. Those words came to me when I needed them the most. I am going to try something new this trip around; I am not going to quit.  I try very hard to be happy, confident,welcoming and full of joy even though some days it is the farthest thing from the truth. I am not the only person in pain. I don’t want that pain to define who I am. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am strong. I am brave. I do have the right stuff. I am beautiful, just breathe and BELIEVE!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

My SELF Steam

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Where does a person learn about self-esteem? Are we born with a sense of our own abilities and gain confidence from applying this knowledge? Or do we learn to have self-esteem from the people in our lives?  We all have parents, well I hope that you did. I was not raised in a family that showered me with praise. I loved my parents but often I was ridiculed and yelled at for shortcomings, real and imagined. I think that is why I struggle  with who I think I am versus who I think I should be.

I discovered I had talent in my youth. I used those abilities to seek out praise. I can sing. I am witty in a twisted way that often makes people laugh out loud in the most inappropriate times and places.  I have a sharp mind and can recall the most remote of details in books or places I have been. I can recall scenes from movies in near perfect lines. I very rarely forget a person’s name or how we met. I am not amazing or brave or strong. I reveal these factoids because it is my darkest secret. I would be nothing without my talents.

I started this journey because I was tired of all the lies I was telling myself.Tomorrow will be better. There will be more money. There will be more time. I have worth. I am beautiful. I was putting my health and emotional well being through hell. I just wanted to be better, feel better. I took charge of my own happiness and slowly since February I have been living a better life for myself. Until… I took a little detour this weekend. I strayed from my path. I gave in to the demons in my head whispering that I needed to take a little break from how good I have been doing.  I gave in.

The closer it gets to Christmas the more alone I feel. My Dad is gone and I have nothing to fill the void.The funny thing about my self-esteem is that I used to think that I needed to keep feeding its flames in order to achieve any lasting success. I have been feeling badly about all of the bad choices I made this weekend. I am a different person now! It’s time to take what I have learned from this side step,leave the rest behind and move forward. I am not going to let the sad part of my psyche drive the choices in my life anymore. I deserve more for myself. I am sitting here writing this because I needed to shout this from the rooftops!!!! but it is too damn cold outside so my blog will have to do.

Here’s to me! I am in charge of my own happiness! Having a few bad days doesn’t make a lifetime unless you continue along the same horrible path. I will not give up . I will not give in. I will make it to goal for myself because I want it. I will get there under my own SELF STEAM!

Self-esteem…

noun
noun: self-esteem
  1. confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect
    Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE
taking a different path

I Can Only Be Me

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I can never be anything other than what I am. I am not a prize in a box of cereal. I am not MORE than what I appear to be. I am ME. No bright lights, no sparkle. One of my biggest downfalls is that I tend to LIVE too large and people than have grand expectations of me. Would it surprise you to know that I don’t always know what to do? or how to react? or even know the right things to say to make YOU feel better about yourself? Well, it’s true. I say the things I want someone to be smart enough to say to me. Sometimes the one leading the charge needs someone else to take charge.

I can only be me. If you make me into something other than that, it is on you. I apologize if when you pull the curtain back there is no wizard.  Fantasies can be like that all fire and brimstone and no substance. It is usually  just ground cover for the uncertainty I carry hidden under a fake smile everyday. I wonder how many of you have to talk yourself into participating in your own life just one more day, everyday?

I have been on this journey (back to the version of me I like the best) for ten months now. It never gets any easier. Everyday I fight with myself about food. What should I eat? When should I eat? Am I getting enough protein? Chicken again !?! Funny but when I grazed on food, like a barn animal, I never once worried about what was in my food unless it made me feel icky. Now that I am on program I am always thinking about food! Last week at my WWs meeting the discussion turned to boredom. Boredom with the food choices, boredom with the all the label reading, boredom with the meetings.  I am not sure it is boredom that kills the process. Maybe it is the always behaving? Maybe I don’t manage my emotions (over real or imagined indiscretions) well and my doubt starts to float to the top?

This week when I went grocery shopping I forced myself to buy some new snacks. I bought some biscotti, some wasabi soy beans (scorcher), and some baked pea “cheatos”. I am not bored. I am falling into the “I know what I am doing so therefore I can now bend the rules and have some fun with the wiggle room I have convinced myself I deserve! “zone. I need to be careful! The negativity demons are always lurking in the dark corners waiting for me to slip and fall. It is far easier to walk off with wounded prey than it is to take down a healthy member of the herd.

I sometimes have doubts that I have what it takes to continue on this journey. I need to do this. I really want to do this. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I am not a quitter. I will find the strength to keep going. Only on a weight loss journey will you hear the words I am a loser, so I can learn to be a winner!  =  )

I can only be me. Advice I need to listen to more often? Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

Holiday

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I wasn’t sure if I could make it through today. I was not looking forward to this Thanksgiving. I gleaned something about my myself and my Pops. He is in the things that I do. He lives in my heart and soul not in any one thing he ever gave me. That cowboy hat I have in the closet does not hold his essence; I do. He is not in the Army trunk that once housed his khakis. He is in my thoughts while I peel the potatoes for his favorite stuffing. He is in the warmth of the kitchen as things simmer. I can hear his laughter amongst the laughter of my guests enjoying the football game.

NEW TRADITION ALERT! I decided I was not going to make a turkey, so I didn’t. This year for the first time I prepared a spiral ham.  I needed to step away from all of the memories that I associate with this holiday. Many of them are NOT pleasant. I wanted to be free. Many past Thanksgivings have been ruined by my quintessential family:  arguments, flying food, insults, drunken behavior and trips to the ER for stitches. Thanksgiving makes me grumpy and short tempered. I do all of the work. I am the one who allows herself to get frazzled. I am the one who obsesses about everything being “perfect”. No one else cares. They just want to eat, relax and have some fun.

I let go of my old tired tradition and ate, relaxed and had some fun.

 

Less Points!

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Is there a point? to this madness!?

I thought it was tough before. I was SO wrong. The everyday reality of what I have chosen is sinking in. The longer I am on program the harder it becomes. Every time I lose ten pounds I also lose a point. At the beginning of this journey it was very hard to get all of my points eaten. Some nights carried a surplus and I while I had moments of hunger, I could manage it. Now my points pool is shrinking. There is less room for error. I move more. I make better choices. I have given up sugar. I am hungry. I am not happy. Some days I do not want to eat one more leaf of lettuce. Some days I want butter on my toast.

What’s the point? My point? I have been trying so hard to be good, I stopped having fun. My efforts have started to feel like a chore. I hate chores. Time has come for me to relax my grip on what the scale may or may not say and have a piece of BUTTERED toast once in a while. I won’t die. I won’t put weight back on. Maybe I will be less grumpy. Maybe I will start to have fun again. Winter is my toughest challenge. I hate that the days feel longer with less LIGHT. I need to dig deep just to survive this. I can do it.

I am also wiser than I was before. I will not quit. I am not be walking away. The last time I did that I racked up the pounds. The negative voices lulled me into a false sense of “It’ll be okay. You can fix it tomorrow.” This time I am not listening to that nonsense. This time I am holding onto this like a squirrel with its prize. I will not let go. I will figure it out. I will.

 

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Face Plant

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I have been fighting with myself since my last weigh-in. I am HUNGRY! I know it is more of a psychological voice messing with my Feng shui than true hunger . I have been on program since February of 2016 with a minimal amount of not following program. I have tracked every bite, lick, taste, and tempting thought.  I have tried very hard not to hide my eating from my hubby but I fell on my face just now. I could blame it on my upcoming cycle. Song lyrics are running through my mind ( I enjoy being a girl ) but I won’t.

I ate. I am putting myself under a lot of pressure which is causing me unresolved stress. This will be my first big holiday without my Dad. I threw myself a pity party, irrational tears and all. I hid my binge snacking from my hubby just now. I have let myself down. I feel sick from all the sugar and I am disappointed that I gave in to the voices of doubt in my head. I ate but I didn’t choose wisely. I fell off the wagon and hit the ground. I told myself that this trip around I would reach out and ask for help. So I just went an had a chat with my hubby. Turns out he plans to keep right on loving me =  ) I need to listen to my inner little girl right now. I am afraid. I have doubts about not being strong enough to weather the storm. No more letting fear win. I am loved. I am wanted. I have worth. I am strong. I am beautiful. I will not let a few hours of self-made terror rule my life. I am the BOSS of me! I had a weak moment but I am feeling much better.

I needed to vent that!!!! Off my chest, out of my mind, clean slate. So now what? I know what. I will simply continue on my path. One flat tire doesn’t stop a road trip. Smart people call AAA fix the flat and move on down the road. I can do this! I need to plan my meals better. I think I am hungry because I am not eating enough bulk. I need to add free freshies. Salad or fruit with my lunch. Drink more water. Get out and get in a walk before the sun sets. This winter is definitely going to be challenge for me but I will win. I have worked far too hard to stop now. Damn you flying monkeys I will get to that Emerald City one way or another!!!!

Never Give Up On The PERSON You Are Meant To Be !